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Katherine Heigl just can't help herself. She'll take any opportunity to be a grade a bitch. Heeeeiiiigl (sounds like phlegm) has decided not to submit herself as a possible nominee for the Emmys. Heigl won the supporting actress award last year for her fugly work on "Grey's Anatomy." I'm still asking for a recount.

The L.A. Times asked Heigl's annoying ass why she didn't submit this year, she answered, "I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the academy organization, I withdrew my name from contention. In addition, I did not want to potentially take away an opportunity from an actress who was given such materials."

Classic Heigl. Basically she's saying, "I'm golden and my caca doesn't reek, but the writers suck!"

This cunt from cuntville really needs to be put on a cunt filter. And yes I wrote "cunt" three times. Now, four times. That's what she does to me! Bitch just needs to swallow her cigarette and allow her pr bitches to do the talking for her.

Thanks Momus

As you already know and have been grossed out by, Gayken is expecting a papoose with his 50-year-old female friend, Jaymes Foster. Jaymes still hasn't popped out Gayken's spawn, but they are already planning to have more using advanced IVF therapy. A source said that the two lesbos have frozen their eggs and sperm for future fun.

Imagine what that freezer looks like? It's probably like Gay Pride Antarctica up in there. Gayken's spermies are entertaining Jaymes' fruit fly eggs with a full-on tribute to Cher.

The source said that Gayken and James really want two kids, so they are hoping to conceive again in March. That way Jaymes will pop another out in December 2009. “They’re both incredibly successful and wealthy, so money is certainly no object. And he just adores children. He is going to make a wonderful and caring father. There’s no doubt about that," said the source.

One is enough for Gayken! He's probably trying to create the gay version of The Osmonds. Scratch that. The Osmonds are the gay version of The Osmonds.

How I wish I was in the delivery room when baby Gayken comes popping out and takes one look at his hot daddy. He's going to scream, "I'm going back in!"

Local roving news reporters are comedians! In case you missed it, here's a clip of a totally hot news reporter going off after something flies into his mouth. Did one of Parasite Hilton's vag maggots grow wings, fly to the country and right into that dude's mouth, because he acts like he's just tasted death. I mean, I've had some fucked up things in mouth and I've never given that kind of reaction.

"I'm dying in this fucking country ass fucked up town!" He should write for the movies!

Thanks Char & Soulgrrl

A little baby unicorn has been discovered in Tuscay! Actually, it's a 10-month-old deer with a horn in the middle of its head. He lives in a nature preserve near Prato with his mommy and twin.

Some smart scientist person said this about baby unicorn, "This is a demonstration that the fabled unicorn, which we all know from icons and legends, probably was not just a fantasy. It was probably an animal like this one, with a natural anomaly."

Smart scientist person needs to try explaining this to Mimi. One glance at this picture and she immediately ordered Nick Cannon to pack up all her Hello Kitty luggage for their voyage to Italy! She's going to track down the "purdy unicornie friend" (that's what she calls him) and bring him back to the states as her personal healer and confidante.

Source

Thanks Mari

One of Blaaake's cell mates told The Sun that he was offered $40,000 to beat the crack out of Dreamboat Doherty. Richard Lyttle said Blaaake was afraid that Wino and Dreamy were licking each other's butts after he saw a couple of pictures of them together.

Richard said, “We were sitting in my cell and he said, ‘If you get Doherty for me I’ll give you £20,000.’ He kept saying, ‘Can you arrange it?’ and telling me to get some guys to his house. He knew the address. He said, ‘Amy’s obviously sleeping with him.’ He knew I used to be a doorman and knew some tough people. He said he wanted him smashed to pieces.”

When Richard was released from the chokey, Blaaake kept burning up his cell phone, begging him to beat down Dreamy. Richard finally reported him to the police, but they decided not to take any action.

If there wasn't a delicious box of Teddy Grahams in front of me asking to be devoured, I'd immediately paddle my ass over to England and scratch the meth out of Blaaake's face.

Blaaake is such a dumb dumb! If he really wanted to hit Dreamy where it hurts, he'd send over a baggie of coke spiked with vitamins and minerals. Dreamy would quickly go into a seizure. His body doesn't know how to handle anything remotely nutritious! Shit, I just gave Blaaake an idea.

Thanks Stoney

American Greetings unveiled the all-new Strawberry Shortcake today. She got her hair straightened, lost some weight, got a bigger head, put on some green contacts and put on a little bit of make-up. The company also said she eats fruit instead of gumdrops and chats on her cell phone instead of playing with her cat, Custard. NO! That's fine if they want to turn Strawberry Shortcake into Strawberry HOcake, but keep Custard! And what the hell does she need a celly for? To check in with her pimp?

You want to hear something even worse than Strawberry being without Custard? American Greetings is also planning to give the Care Bears a makeover this fall. They are going to lipo some of their fat out and give them longer eyelashes! NOOOO!!! They are going to look like whores too. Care Bear Whores! Can we just timeport back into the 80s? Please! It was so much simpler then.

Source VIA Jezebel

Thanks Roxy

When Naomi Campbell falls, nobody should laugh. Has anybody heard from the dude in the checkered shirt? His face will be on a milk carton soon.

Drunk ass Naomi was partying in Capri, Italy last night with her man, Marcus Elias, when she stumbled and hit the ground. I'm not even going to laugh out loud because I know she's watching. I'll lock myself in the bathroom and quietly cackle into a towel. I'm not taking any chances.

I'm all for grabbing dollas with your chocha to pay the rent, but shaking your goods on a moving truck to promote Kid Rock's new single?! You know, I'm even into them pole dancing on a moving truck, but not for Kid Rock! Ladies, you must draw the line somewhere. Is nothing sacred?

I'm not going to lie. If Phoebe Price asked me to put on a thong and drop it like like it's hot on a moving truck to promote her new candle lotions, I'd do it in a chicken cutlet minute.

Beyonce is behind this! She called up Solange (collect, of course) and said, "Hi Soly. I know you want to look extra hot on TRL, so I'm going to give you a little style tip. It's all the rage in Europe! Hop your ass down to the nearest Duane Reade and pick up some generic baby powder. Don't buy Johnson's either. You can't afford that shit! Then take a q-tip and put that shit all over your eyebrow. Everyone will love it and maybe you'll sell more than 5 CDs. Ciao Ciao!"

I mean, why does Solange have one powdered brow? If this was HoHan, we would know she just got a little too close to the Colombian sugar mound, but this is Solange we're talking about! She doesn't even know what coke looks like!

That being said, Solange has the right idea and I'm off to powder one brow.

I have to hand it to the movie executives that came up with this shit. Genius! They should get a complimentary footjob and Jamba Juice. Anyway, UsWeekly reports that Angie Jo and Jennifer Aniston will whip out their dicks and battle it out on October 24th. Both of these bitches have movies coming out on the same day. Angie's "The Changeling" will be out in limited release the same day Jenny's "He's Not That Into You: The Jennifer Aniston Story" comes out. Okay, I totally fucked with the title of Jenny's movie. But you know that was the working title!

Brandon Gray of Box Office Mojo thinks Jenny's going to win the battle, "Aniston is more relatable to moviegoers and can star in these romantic comedies or dramas more successfully than Jolie. Angelina has tried to have variety in her career, but time and time again, she goes back to these vixen or bad girl roles. She's had some success in those, but when she's strayed from it, she's flopped." Brandon meet the wrath of the Brangaloonies. Have fun!

Fuck both of these twats! Let's go support our main homegirl, Zac Efron, in High School Musical 3 instead. That buttfuck fiesta comes out on the same day.