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Just now I opened up my e-mail to find some shit from Star Magazine with the subject: Sean Connery Rushed to Hospital. Oh hell no! I was about to run outside, search for a baby squirrel and slap the nuts out of it! Thankfully, I read the rest of the e-mail before attacking an innocent animal.

Legendary James Bond star Sean Connery was taken to Northern Westchester Hospital in Mount Kisco, N.Y., on Friday afternoon after suffering a fractured foot during a golf outing, Star has learned exclusively.

When contacted, a rep for the 77-year-old Scottish actor said, "He's fine."

Phew! This shit was a close one. I mean, it is Friday the 13th and I'm still waiting for some fucked up shit to go down.

I can still fulfill one of my life goals of getting it on with every single James Bond.

Gwen Stefani is still knocked up? It feels like it's been years. She's still carrying because Gavin Rossdale is talking to E! News about their new baby's nursery. Mainly, paint colors. Celeb whoreswill talk about anything and obviously I'll post about anything.

Gavin said, "We don't know if it's a boy or a girl. Plus, we are going to put him in a black room. It'll be a goth baby so it doesn't matter if it is a boy or a girl." They don't know the sex, but they are going to put him in a black room? Someone slipped! Anyway, he's just having a laugh! They aren't going to paint the nursery black. They're just going to keep the baby in a coffin.

Besides, some dumb bitch told me that babies like black and white better. Something about how they respond to graphic, bold shit and can't see colors or something like that. I wasn't really listening because I was probably drunk. Just like I am now!

This afternoon has been filled with some fucked up news, so here's a little something to warm the cock of your heart. I know it's cockles, but I like cock better. Always have.

The Daily Mail brings us this lovely story of Muschi the pussy and Maeuschen the bear from the Berlin Zoo. The two met 8 years ago and they've been best friends ever since.

The two were only separated once and it was hell for the both of them. Last October, Maeuschen was transferred to a cage while her living space is being renovated. Muschi stayed by the bear's cage all day and all night. The zookeepers finally decided to let Muschi inside Maeuschen's cage. The two immediately had a quick cuddle and now they're happy again.

The zoo hos said they do absolutely everything together. They will both be released back into the living space this month.

I wonder how they do sex to each other? I'm joking! They don't love each other like that!

Tim Russert, host of "Meet the Press," has passed away from an apparent heart attack. He was only 58.

The NY Post reports that Tim collapsed at NBC's Washington news bureau. His family confirmed his death to The New York Times.

First R. Kelly (see below) and now this?! It really is Friday the 13th. We all just need to get back into bed and pull the covers over.

Rest in peace, Tim Russert.

What a pisser! A jury in Chicago just acquitted R. Kelly of all 14 counts of child pornography. The jury spent less than a day deliberating the case.

R. Kelly denied it was him in the video. His lawyers used "The Little Man" defense. They believe bitches digitally altered the sex tape to make it look like R. Kelly was in it. Even the victim denied it was her in the video.

The not guilty verdict came six years after R. Kelly was charged with videotaping himself having piss sex with a girl, who prosecutors say was 13 at the time.

Damn! You know that jury was filled with a bunch of golder-shower-loving sick ass bitches! I'm not surprised. R. Kelly better send the Wayans Brothers a big "THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY ASS" basket. "Little Man" saved R. Kelly!

DUH! One of my life goals is to do fuckey fuckey times with all of the pepaws who have played James Bond in the movies. So far I'm 0/6! FAIL!

Here's Pierce Brosnan doing pepaw sporty stuff in Hawaii yesterday.

Jennifer Garner and her daughter, Violet, were shopping for boring shit in Brentwood yesterday when Jen accidentally locked her keys in the car, along with her daughter. Drama! This is probably the most exciting thing to happen to them in yeeeeeaaars.

You know Violet just want some "me time." It's probably exhausting being around Jen all the time. She strikes me as one of those people that is always cheery and positive. Like all the time. You just want to shake those people and say, "Call me a dumb bitch! Slap me! Shoot me! Anything!" They would respond by saying, "I'm going to go take a walk and let you cool off." ACK! Those kind of bitches drive me crazy.

Anyway, Violet eventually figured out how to open the door and all was fine. Boooring.

Single George Clooney goes for a boat ride with his butt buddy - Popsugar

Kim Kardashian's ass is going to eat up those bikini briefs - Hollywood Tuna

Charlize Theron grabbing her own chichis - Egotastic!

The gayelles rule Hollywood - Cityrag

Mike Myers tries to make a funny about Justin Timberlake's peen - Hollywood Rag

Nikki Cox and Jay Mohr need to stay indoors - Just Jared

Edward Norton is a whiny little bitch - IDLYITW

Nast! Heidi Montag without much make-up (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Elizabeth Hurley thinks she's slick - A Socialite's Life

Daisy de la Hoya & Dave Navarro are madly in love - The Bastardly

Yes, it's this trick again! Sarah Larson visited Christian Audigier's offices yesterday to talk about a possible modeling job. And of course, she brought the paps with her. Christian gave Sarah some outfits to try on and "model" in. TyTy Baby would not approve. Sarah isn't smiling with her eyes. She's hardcore butt fucking with her eyes. I really want to trip that sofa over.

I know this ho needs to make cash now that George Clooney isn't putting money in the bank anymore, but, but can't she just shuttle off to Hustler's offices already. Better yet, homegirl needs to write a damn tell-all! I want all the greasy, shitty details of the Clooney's sex life.

Below is video of Sarah and Christian. It's a strange experience hearing her talk. I always say to myself, "She speaks?"

Johnny and Jenny attended some humanitarian event at STK in Los Angeles last night with Courtney Cox and her husband. I forget his name. This was one of John and Jenny's first public events together. A source told UsWeekly that the two were "canoodling" throughout the night. The source said, "they had their arms around each other. She was rubbing his back and whispering into his ear. They were touching each other non-stop all night." And then everyone barfed, Hazmat was called and it was just a big disaster.

I mean, I know Johnny does it good (or so it has been claimed) but damn! People were eating! That keep shit to yourself! Get a private room, closet or gutter!

You know, they sort of make a cute couple. Sort of....... It's only going to end with Jenny cutting up his favorite shirts with a kitchen knife while Alanis' first album plays in the background.