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Nicole Richie needs to stop stealing hot shit from my abuelita's closet. Nicole is trying sooo hard to look like a middle-aged housewife from the 70s who swings with her husband on the weekends, but she's starting to look like Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe and you know those two twats despise each other. They probably put "chunky" spells on one another.

Anyway, here's Dorthy Zbornak Roper Endora at a Cartier event last night. Fuggie Fug also wore a frock that would look better as a picnic tablecloth. Seriously, laminate that shit and put some friend chicken on it.

I also threw in some pictures of Common to add a little hotness to this post full of fug.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: I'm about to get on a flight to Vegas for a mini-vacay, so this might be my last post of the day. I'll try and post something later, but you know how I am. My body will probably drag me to the nearest bar and you should always listen to what your body says. Also, Friday, Saturday and Sunday will be light posting days for me. I'll be back to my regular schedule on Monday. That's if I don't get arrested for trying to do sexy times with Liberace's wax statute. It's possible!

Woe is JLo. All she wants in the world is to be a good mother to her Dragon Tales Twins. Well, that and she really wants a castle made out of diamonds, bronzer and animal fur. Anyway, a source told Closer Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) that JLo thinks nothing she does is good enough for her twinsies.

The source said, "Jennifer wants to be the perfect mother, but she crumbles if any normal little thing goes wrong. If the twins cry, she thinks it's because she's a bad mom, and bursts into tears herself. Marc had to sit her down and make her understand that she's a good mom and it's normal for babies to cry."

In JLo's defense, the DT Twins are probably only bursting into tears when Skeletor is around because they think he's going to devour their souls.

And PLEASE! Who the hell is this source?! They really want us to believe that JLo cries and also that she spends time with the DT Twins? The pr bitch she hired to make her look like mother of the year (No offense, White Oprah) is working overtime. From the picture above to the story about how she fired her nannies to this story! That pr bitch deserves a gold star.

The "source" goes on to say, "Marc is concerned that she's not eating properly or sleeping because she's obsessed with looking after the twins. If she leaves them with her own mother for a couple of hours to have some time off, she beats herself up about it and feels guilty. Marc has forced Jen to take some time off and have a massage to unwind, but she even struggled to relax during that. He wants her to stop worrying abut the kind of mother she's being and just enjoy it."

The laughs never end! I can't wait to hear the story about how JLo changes diapers. I mean, she doesn't even change Skeletor's diaper! Why would she change the diapers of her own baby?!

We already have 10 million reality shows featuring boring ass celebrities, why not add another one to the pile?! TV Guide reports that Janet Jackson will develop a new show for MTV. Janet will search churches, YMCAs and places like that to find the next big music star. She better search strip clubs too. There's some mighty fine talent in those joints.

The show will be shot in the next few months, before Janet goes off on her world tour.

Okay, I'm all for this as long as Troll Dupri co-stars in this mess! He's one of my favorite trolls, because he looks friendly and cheery. Not like those evil Olsen trolls! Troll Dupri looks like he'll dance a jig for you on command and rub your belly with his bald head when you're feeling down.

And LaToya Jackson better serve as the dance captain and stylist. If Janet doesn't involve Troll Dupri or LaToya in this shit, it's going to blow-o. Shit, it's going to blow anyway!

Here's Janet and Troll Dupri at some Cartier event last night.

I'm sure you've already heard the story of the woman who was denied the sexy by one of her Victoria's Secret thongs. The woman was on "Today" this morning where she explained her traumatic experience. You see, when she went to put the thong on to get her sexy on, the metal part slapped her in the eye. She had to go to the hospital and everything. Don't laugh. She almost DIED!!!!

Of course, the chick is suing VS and wants C-A-S-H.

I can't wait for this fucking trial. The grouchy thong must be vindicated! It will take the stand and say, "Your honor. I had no choice but to slap that nasty bitch! She kept putting her panty pudding all over me. It was self-defense!"

Name that celebrity camel toe - Cityrag

The Good Charlotte sisters are liars (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Chestica Simpson or Carrie Underwears? - IDLYITW

The fat cat epidemic - Jezebel

No Emmy for HoHan this year - Popsugar

Marla Maple Syrup still has it - Hollywood Tuna

Two annoying hags in Scotland - Lainey Gossip

Kelly Ripa with a rat's nest on her head - Hollywood Rag

AC Slater and his nude self. Not hot - Just Jared

Kate Moss' nippies take on Turkey - Egotastic!

The batshit horny CEO of Ryan Air, a cheap ass airline in the UK and Europe, held a press conference for the media to talk about boring plane shit. When the CEO was asked about the new configuration of their planned fleet, he responded, "So in economy it will be very cheap fares. Say 10 euros. And in business class it will be beds and blowjobs. In economy. In business, it will all be free including the blowjobs."

Damn! Is their HEAD flight attendant Wonky McValtrex? Seriously, this highly-inappropriate bitch is my new favorite person. I mean, he's just being competitive. ATA's seats made you feel like you've just been fucked in the ass.

Video is above and his "blowjob" promise is at the 45 second mark.

Thanks Kathleen

Now it's time for our daily check in with the Wino to see how she's holding up in the hospital. I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that doctors say she has an irregular heartbeat. The good news is that her heart still beats! Wild, I know. Next, you're going to tell me that Keith Richards still has a pulse.

The Sun reports that Wino's family plans to keep her in the hospital as long as they can in hopes that she'll finally beat drugs. A source said that this might be their one chance to sort her out for good. If Wino tries to flee the hospital, the family plans to go to court to try and keep her in.

Wino's daddy, Mitch, said, "Amy is doing fine. She is staying in as long as possible."

Methinks they should plant an ice pop vendor outside her door 24 hours a day. They should also figure out a way to fill her hospital room with artificial crack smoke. You know, so she feels at home!

It sounds like Kimora Lee Simmons and her hot man piece, Dijmon Honsou, need to have a little talk over stuffed crepes at IHOP. Seriously, all serious conversations should be done over stuffed crepes.

Anyway, People asked Kimo if she was engaged to her man. She said, "kind of." When asked if he gave her an engagement ring, she replied, "Well, kind of, not quite." Kind of?! Bitch, please! I'm "kind of" engaged to Prince Hot Ginge, but he doesn't know it yet. He "kind of" gave me an engagement cock ring too.

It sounds to me like Dijmon "kind of" doesn't want to be married to her ass and "kind of" bought that shit for herself! Kind of. Isn't "kind" an odd word? Kind. Yeah, it's weird.

When did AC Slater become such a fucking dirty ass tampon? His abs would look so much hotter if he would just shut his damn dick lips already! AC said that he's jealous of Tony Parker because he 's married to Eva LongWHORIA. That's like being jealous of someone for having a bad case of hemorrhoids.

AC said, "We never dated. Unfortunately. We met a long time ago, and she was always with somebody or I was with somebody. But we hit it off and I have the utmost respect for her. Tony Parker is a lucky guy. I was in (sic) her wedding. I walked her mum down the aisle."

It looks like being a slut paid off for Eva LongWHORIA because she dodged a major bullet. If she married the cheater known as AC Slater, she would be crying into Ken Paves beweaved loins every night.

Source

Another Spears girl has entered the world! Hide your sons! The National Enquirer claims 17-year-old Jamie Lynn popped out a baby girl at Mississippi Southwest Regional Medical Center in McComb, Ms. She delivered via C-section at 8:30 a.m. The new baby Spears weighed in at 6 pounds, 10 ounces.

It's been rumored that Jamie Lynn and Casey want to name her Cailynn or Cassie, a combination of their names. Let's hope she names her new little bundle of joyness, Cailynn Cheeto Spears. Of course, the Cheeto is after Brit Brit.

I'm sure we'll be celebrating another Spears birth when Baby Cheeto pops one out in a few months. I'm joking! Give her a couple of years.

Congrats to Baby Cheeto, JL and Casey! A round of Purple DRANK is on me!

UPDATE: People has confirmed that JL pushed out Baby Cheeto around 9:30 this morning. They have named her Maddie Briann. Let's try out that name, shall we? "Maddie Briann! Stop sucking all the freon out of our new AC unit!" Yeah, that works.