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Since MiserAlba has given birth to Baby Honor she's been so smiley and cheery. I don't like that shit one bit! The grouchy, cunty, mean ass ho I've come to know and love has been MIA for a while. Well, she was back in Beverly Hills today, sort of.

MiserAlba seemed like her lovely grumpy self while spending some of that baby whorin' money. Things were going swell until MiserAlba's dumb bitch of a friend made her smile and laugh. NO! Why did she have to go and do that?!

I need MiserAlba to snap out of this "happy funk" and go back to being the cranky bitch who covers her face from the paparazzi and sneers at them as she walks by. I miss that bitch!

Miley, Miley, Miley..... This prostitot is never going to learn. Miley and personal cameras do not go together. So, someone hacked into poor little Miley Cyrus' iPhone and found these old pictures she apparently sent to Nick Jonas of The Jonas Hos. Miley, it's called the delete button. Use it!

Who took the picture of her with "fart lips" in the shower? Today's tweens are so weird. When I was her age we did normal shit like smoke crack, go to sex parties and spend the weekends selling our bodies on the streets. You know, kid stuff.

The guy who hacked Miley claims he found "worse" pictures of her that he's trying to sell. Excuse me while I go and delete all of my nude pictures from my phone. This could take me a while.

I didn't feel the earth shake this morning, so who knows if this is true. InTouch Weekly reports that the twin messiahs have landed on earth. Sources tell them that Saint Angelina gave birth at 6pm local time in Nice, France via c-section.

Naw, she didn't have a c-section. She just sort of sighed a little, turned over, queefed and then they magically appeared with two golden halos on their heads.

A spokesbitch for the hospital said the press would be notified "within minutes" after birth and that it would be posted on the hospital's website. No official announcement has been made. A source also told InTouch that Saint Angelina would be whisked away from the hospital within 48 hours of giving birth.

All I know is that when we get official confirmation, you better immediately get on your knees and pray to Brangelina. If you don't then expect to spend your after life in HEEEEELLLL. Who am I fooling? We're all going to hell anyway. Carry on!

P.S. - Those are wax figures in the picture above. Brad sort of has Ellen Degeneres hair.

UPDATE: The hospital's spokesbitch told Extra, "It is wrong information." And there you have it. Back to boozing!

Mitch Wino has officially become the White Oprah of Britain. This bitch just won't stop with his press releases and statements to the media. His statements always have "DUH" written all over them.

Mitch talked to BBC News about Wino's emphysema. He said, "I want people to understand - even if they give her one cigarette, they're causing her harm. My biggest fear is that she would die, but she won't die of a drug overdose. It won't be that quick. She would die, unfortunately, of emphysema... We would be talking about a very slow and painful death, gasping for air. I would ask any people who would supply her with substances to think on that."

Instead of giving ten million interviews a week, Mitch needs to stick a sausage in it and find ways to help his daughter. He's always telling the media that Wino's friends need to stop feeding her habit. Less talk, more action. I'd threaten to shank her friends or call the po-po on their skank asses. Shit, put her ass on "Intervention." Candy Finnigan will straighten her out.

He also said that Wino has 5 gigs between now and September. After September she won't perform for a while and instead will spend her time "relaxing and writing." Um...and doing crack. He forgot that one.

Here's Wino looking like a rockabilly chola hooker while leaving her house in Camden today.

Isn't this a lovely sight? Topless Sienna Miller kissing her new married boyfriend Balthazar Getty. Yes, that's his wifey's name, Rosetta, tattooed over his heart. I know you want to blame skanky Sienna, but she's not the one who's married with 4 kids. I mean, his youngest kid is not even a year old!

Sienna's vagina can't help it! Besides, we've all done sexy times with married men at one point or another, right? It's one of the final initiations into the "Slut Bags With No Morals Club."

The Sun has a few pictures of Sienna and Balthazar "canoodling" and kissing while on vacation in Italy. These dumb sluts seriously don't give a fuck. Sienna's vagina needs major therapy, because it obviously has major issues. And if Balthazar wasn't such a slimy skeeze, I'd hit it. I'm lying. I'd hit it anyway.

This shit is seriouly becoming a regular feature. After I posted Mischa Barton's cheap panties and Angelina Jolie's "weist" thinning massage hoop, you guys sent in even more shit found at the 99 Cent store. You are some cheap bitches! I just bought some generic sodie pop and dish liquid there. I'm sure that dish liquid is going to melt my dishes.

Above is a luxurious tank top featuring an Olsen Troll on its packaging. I'm sure it's part of their fashion line, The Row, which is only sold at the 99 Cent store and Barneys. The people that put this shit together really need their own Photoshop Award. They don't even fucking try.

Below are a couple of costume bags with Dubya and Rob Lowe on the cover. Hmmm....the Dubya one probably isn't Photoshopp. That's probably a real picture.

I don't think I've ever posted such a sad headline before. Sad on so many levels. The other day, I posted some story about David Lee Roth being pulled over by Canadian police because he was speeding. The cops found "David" in his car having some sort of medical emergency due to a nut allergy. It turns out that it wasn't David Lee Roth, but someone pretending to be him.

DLR told TMZ that it wasn't him and he's not allergic to nuts, but he is "allergic to is criticism." Is he sure he isn't allergic to nuts? I mean, one would think you would develop an allergy after working with all those nuts in Van Halen.

The Canadian police said the DLR's imposter has been scamming dumb bitches everywhere. He could be charged with obstruction of justice for giving a false name to cops. They also need to charge him with being pathetic enough to impersonate David Lee Roth. I think that charge carries an automatic death sentence.

All this talk of nuts has made me all sexy feeling in the private areas. Anybody have pictures of Mr. Peanut's peanut?

And is it just me or does DLR look like he's impersonating David Hyde Pierce in the picture above?

Thanks Kristina

Ronnie Wood, 61, of the Rolling Stones is reportedly getting it on with a slut old enough to be his granddaughter. The Daily Mail claims Ronnie has left his wifey of 23 years for an 18-year-old Russian cocktail waitress named Ekaterina Ivanov. He met her in some shady escort bar, so I'm sure the "cocktail waitress" title is just that, a title.

The teenage tart has been telling her Facebook friends that she's having a relationship with Ronnie.

Ronnie's spokesbitch spoke out by saying Ekaterina is a drinking partner and that Ronnie is in a bad way, "She is a drinking partner. When you're an alcoholic and your family are all telling you to stop drinking you simply find someone else to drink with. You can see how it happens, you end up pushing away the ones you love because you don't think straight."

The spokesbitch also said that Ronnie is drinking 2 bottles of vodka a day and that he's not even clear enough to check into rehab even though his wife is begging him to. Ronnie is still talking to his kids and wife, but he's mostly only with his teenage hooker.

Ronnie's wife, Jo, seems to be in denial. She said, "They're not boyfriend and girlfriend - not in that way."

I'm all for gold digging, but Ekaterina is not playing fair. Ronnie is a troubled pepaw with a booze problem.

This is going to end one of two ways. Ronnie is going to leave his teenage slut and she's going to release a tell-all along with a sex tape (pepaw porn is all the rage right now). Or Ronnie is going to leave his wifey and marry this tramp! Either way, it's not going to end pretty.

I'd rather wear shoes made out of rusty nails than Crocs, but I'm perfectly fine with kiddies wearing plastic vagina shoes. Yeah, I'm sure Rocco Ritchie really cares that I care. He does. Truth. Memaws and pepaws over the age of 90 and kiddies are the only people allowed to wear these things. I don't even think it's right to wear them while gardening. I mean, what if the sexy ass mail man comes along and you're wearing those things? They make your feet look like giant sand buckets. Not sexy.

Little Rocco wore multi-color Crocs while arriving at the Kabbalahahaha Center in NYC last night with his family. Maybe I should convert to Kabbalah. They obviously don't give a fuck if you show up looking like you've just rolled out of bed after a 9-hour bukkake session. At other religious services, they make your ass dress up like you've just come out of a Glamour Shots photo shoot. However, red is not really my color, so I don't think Kabbalahists would appreciate me asking if the red string comes in other colors. Besides, the red string would break in two as soon as it touched my evil ass wrist.

Here's more of Vadge and Guy doing it for the cameras last night.

Mega man-whore Anthony Kiedis and his chick of 3 years, Heather Christie, have thrown in the towel. Wait, does that towel still have Anthony's sweat on it, because if it does, hand it over. Anyway, People reports that they split in June.

Heather, a 22-year-old ex-model, is also the mother of his son, Everly Bear. I've always loved that name. It sounds like the missing Care Bear who spent his life being a groupie for the Everly Brothers. We should all name our kids after Care Bears. I'm taking Funshine Bear, so don't even think of it.

Heather told People, "Anthony is a great dad and I will love him forever for giving me the gift of life. I really hope he finds what he's looking for." She also forgot to thank him for giving her a serious case of herpes. I'm joking (I think).

Anthony won't stay single for long. I'm sure he'll be linked to some teenage child model any day now.

And I wonder who got to keep their optometrist? You can't share the same optometrist when you break up. That's just gross.