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The epidemic continues! Dumb bitches that have no business being inside a recording studio are still trying to make music. Hayden Panatroll is the latest skank to terrorize eardrums with her new single, "Wake Up Call." Ryan Seacrest played that shit this morning on KIIS-FM.

The only song this troll is allowed to sing is the "Lollipop Guild." I mean, when your song makes Parasite Hilton's "Stars are Blind" sounds like Bob Marley, it's time to pack up your auto-tuner and call it a fucking day.

And here's a "Wake Up Call" for Hayden: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Hayden's vomit inducer is below. Click here if you can't listen it, but consider that a sign.

Alicia Douvall, the welfare-version of Jordan (and that's saying A LOT), recently put her titties under the knife for the 14th fucking time! Tittay abuse! Alicia's doctors told her to stop tinkering with her Ziploc sacks, but she can't stop.

The "glamour" model told The Sun, "I know it will kill me. But I'd rather die trying to sort things out. My last boob job was a disaster. One of the implants left my chest really lumpy, so I needed to sort it out." Methinks the implant was lumpy, because it was trying to escape from this skank's body!

Alicia needs to stop this shit. Her titties have been through enough. Alicia needs to spend her time finding a cure for cancer or learning how to tie a cherry stem with her twatty. Anything, but putting her boobs through more trauma. Those sad chest rocks need to be put on the Witness Protection Program.

Alicia is also the tramp who recently said her 12-year-old daughter wants a tit job. Alicia was spotted taking her daughter to the plastic surgeon's office last month. Alicia doesn't need another boob job, but she does need a lobotomy.

It took me a few minutes to realize that it wasn't crazy-eyed Tricia Walsh-Smith in that picture with Pat O'Brien. It's not Tricia, it's Betsy Stephens and she's Pat O'Brien's new fiancee. Betsy and Pat have been dating for five years. He told People that they are going to get married next Fall, "We're in love and in no big hurry. We don't know if it will take place – in Jamaica, New York, or Nantucket."

I can hear his wedding vows now, "Betsy, I wanna fucking go crazy with you. You are so fucking hot, and I wanna eat you, and I want you to suck my cock, and I want to fuck you. Let's do it, you are so fucking hot. Let's get crazy, get some coke." I know, totally romantic.

He also better remix the voicemails for their first dance. The NSFW voicemails are below. Yes, the Betsy he's talking about is the same Betsy he's going to marry. It's true love!

Thanks Kristina

Before we go any further, what the fuck is she holding on the cover? A wild turkey, a muff made out of her shaved off ass crack hairs? It's probably a rabid possum considering the theme for this photo shoot. This shit pisses me off! They have an extremely classy outfit and they choose this bitch to model it? A total waste.

There's only two women on the planet that can pull off ripped, assless, jean shorts and that's Shauna Sand and CoCo. Gis Bundchen looks like a twink bottom hustler who regularly works the truck stops. Shauna and CoCo would look like a couple of elegant Jordache Godesses.

Gis told V Magazine that she would only do "ass shots" for Mario Testino, “Only Mario [Testino] could make me take these pictures…. People are going to say my butt is showing too much in these but this is V Magazine! If you’re going to do something like that, you do it for V.” Bitch! We've seen you naked.

I hope the magazine also features an article on how I can make this outfit at home. And the candids of this shoot are way better.

See more pics of Gis looking like a trailer trash hooker at Just Jared.

Oh look. It's pictures of Fishsticks Paltrow without any paint on her face. Not bad, not bad. Actually, this is exactly how I prefer my Fishsticks. Greasy, organic and smug. If only I had a small bowl of tartar sauce.

I could also spend my entire afternoon playing "connect the pores" on her face. Endless hours of entertainment.

Fishy showed up to some boring shit at the Hamptons over the weekend. She didn't wear make-up just so she could hear everyone tell her, "OMG Fishy! You look so gorge without make-up." Blah. Blah.

Wait! Is that a glass of wine she's holding? Is that part of her daily diet of grass, wood chips and cloud water? She's in so much trouble if that isn't blueberry dirt juice.

This is a hard one, I know. They are the spitting image of each other. Separated at the crack house. The dude on the right is the infamous David Lee Roth imposter that has been going all over Canada pretending to be Diamond Dave. He's the dude that Canadian police pulled over while he was having an allergic reaction to nuts. He told them he was DLR. They believed him. They are stupid.

According to TheStar.com, the fake's name is David Kuntz of Cambridge. Why would you pretend to be David Lee Roth when you have an amazing name like David Kuntz. CUNTS! I would make all my friends and family call me Sir Cunts.

Not only has Sir Cunts fooled the police, but he recently convinced an entire bar that he was David Lee Roth. He even got onstage and performed with the house band. Everyone at that bar must have been drunk, high, blind and slow. I look more like DLR than Sir Cunts does!

Sir Cunts really needs to put down the meth pipe, take off all the scarves he bought in Tijuana and head to the nearest looney bin. When they ask why he needs help, he only needs to say, "I'm Sir Cunts and I want to be David Lee Roth." They will take it from there.

It's no surprise that everybody wants to rub their genitals all over Mark Ronson's luscious bod, but he's picky and won't fuck just any dirty whore. Oh well, there goes my chances. I'll just switch my focus to SamRo. I'll have better luck there.

During an interview, Mark talked about a certain singer that wanted to do sexy times with him. He said, "I’m not the sort of producer that shags every artist he works with. I’ve had enough offers, but I’m very picky. I’ve said no to a very famous, white, bland and very boring English soul chick, whom shall remain unnamed."

When the interviewer asked if he was talking about Joss Stone, Mark just smiled and winked. They don't call her Joss "Fucks For Tracks" Stone for nothing.

Why is that if someone like Justin Timberlake said this shit, I would stand on my toilet and scream douche at the top of my lungs. But when dreamy Mark Ronson says it, I swoon a little. I'm dickmatized by a dick I've never had. Pathetic!

....I think. Uma Thurman looks like she's trying to push out a doody bubble or maybe she's playing one of my favorite games: Pregnant Lady. Don't you do that? I love doing that shit. I stick out my belly, hold it and say, "Hello there, Baby Phoebe Shauna. Mommy loves you very much." And then I try to breastfeed myself, but I can never reach. I have seriously spent hours trying to lick my own nipple. Those of you that can, have received a beautiful gift from God. I'm jealous.

Maybe she's knocked up? If I was her, I would've been knocked up last week. Her fiance is some rich ass Swedish dude. Uma has money, but his money is even better! Here's more of Uma and her gas baby in Corsica.

Creepy. Brooke Hogan and her daddy's girlfriend are practically twins - Egotastic!

Why, hello there, Ewan McGregor - Lainey Gossip

HoHan's possibly fake chichis are looking juicy - Hollywood Tuna

Vintage Angie Jo pictures from when she was blonde - IDLYITW

John Barrymore is looking for the root of his gayness - Towleroad

Brit Brit trapped in an elevator for Vadge. At least the weave looks semi-clean - Popsugar

Miley Cyrus wants to be a positive role model. Cue the laugh track - Just Jared

Denise Richards chases the paps while topless (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Trout pouts off the hook - Cityrag

Tommy Girl's son is taking flying lessons. That's because he's trying to get away - Hollywood Rag

Kate Hudson's son, Ryder Robinson, is ready to let go of his hippie hair. Ryder wanted to keep that shit long, because his daddy has long hair, but now he's ready to chop it all off.

A source told Star Magazine that Ryder wants to look like his mommy's new fuck-buddy-of-the-month, Lance Armstrong. The source said, "Now that Lance is in the picture, Ryder wants Kate to lop off his locks so he can be as cool as Lance." This is what Kate gets for bringing her whores around her kid. What if her next piece is Carrot Top (this is likely)? Is Ryder going to want to get a perm and a dye?

Shaving it all off seems so fucking drastic. Ryder should ease into it. He should get "The Rachel" first, then "The Posh", and then he can get "The Lance."