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Claire Danes (the one in the red bikini) looks like a loooong piece of pulled taffy. I want to grab one of her hands, then grab one of her feet and use her like a jump rope.

Angela Chase is looking a bit grouchy! She's probably mad because that beach umbrella has bigger chichis than she does. It's okay, Angela. That beach umbrella will never have a best friend like Rayanne Graff.

Here's Claire looking like me in a bikini while vacationing with her boyfriend, Hugh Dancy, in Italy.

This dick bag is more like Dumb Bitch of FOREVER. 33-year-old Daniel Everett of Michigan wore this t-shirt to a supposed sex meeting with what he thought was a 14-year-old girl. It wasn't a sex meeting. It was a sting! He was arrested and charged with being a total dumb piece of trash. He was also charged with child sexual abuse and using the Internet to attempt child sexual abuse.

Why wasn't Chris Hansen there to "greet" him. Chris always has the best one-liners. He would've said, "Why, hello there? World's Greatest Dad, Eh? More like World's Worst Pedo."

He only wore this t-shirt because his "On the internet, I'm a 15-year-old girl" t-shirt was in the dirty laundry.

Source

Thanks Midwest Trash

As if the song wasn't bad enough, Hayden Panatroll had to release a video for this "Stars are Blind" knock-off. Watch this shit with the sound turned off, because her troll yodeling gave me a headache that lasted for hours. The bitch can't even sing "DRANKS" right. It's DRANKS, not "DRAAAAANKSS."

It's not right that she's trying to be sexy. It makes me feel uncomfortable and it should be illegal. It's like soft-core troll porn. It's only missing Mini-Me and his lizard tongue.

VIA ONTD

According to InTouch Weekly, Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr are no longer licking each other's pussies. Miranda has apparently already picked herself up a rebound and his name is Greasy Bear aka Fat Elvis aka Brandon Davis. SUCIO! You would save money on lube by fucking Greasy Bear, but your dignity would never be the same. That's if you have dignity in the first place.

Miranda and Greasy Bear reportedly did fuckey fuckey times back in November but they both denied it. Recently, they were spotted "canoodling" at two clubs in NYC. Canoodling with Greasy Bear must be like taking a vaseline shower.

A witness said, "They were full on making out. They didn’t seem to care who saw." A source said that Miranda always goes to Greasy Bear when she has a fight with Orlando. Her spokesbitch denies she's split with Orlando.

I mean, how does one even start fucking Greasy Bear? Did she slip on his greasy puddle and accidentally land on his dick made of lard? I'm the whoriest whore whoever whored and I still wouldn't get with that. Ok.....I lie. I'd lick the tip, but just because I like the taste of Crisco.

Look on the bright side! At least, it's not a picture of him sticking his crackhead tongue into her other hole. Maybe he's just passing her an acid tab.

Here's Jeff Conaway and his equally insane girlfriend, Vikki Lizzi, at a Benchwarmers party last night in Los Angeles. It looks like "Celebrity Rehab 2" really worked out for him. If you stare into his eyes long enough, you can probably get contact high.

Why didn't have this kind of Barbie when I was a kid? This bitch is hot. Christian groups don't think so. They are throwing their bibles at Mattel, saying this new "S&M" Barbie is nothing but filth. Yeah, but that's why she's hot.

Mattel modeled their new Mega Whore Barbie after the comic book character Black Canary.

The group Christian Voice said, “Barbie has always been on the tarty side and this is taking it too far. A children’s doll in sexually suggestive clothing is irresponsible – it’s filth.”

She still looks classier than a Bratz doll. I swear, I've seen at least one Bratz doll working the train tracks in nothing but a thong and thigh-high boots.

I hope S&M Barbie is followed by Pig Bottom Ken. He comes equipped with a harness, double-sided dildo, ball gag and anal beads. What am I saying? Ken is already a pig bottom.

Thanks Karye

There's already been rumors that Katherine Heeeeeigl's character on "Grey's Anatomy" is going to be killed off and UsWeekly claims they know how Izzie is going to meet her maker. Her maker is Satan by the way. I'm just stating the obvious. A source told them that Izzie is going to get a brain tumor.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan will come back to the show and Izzie will see his character in visions brought on by her tumor. WTF? This is some "Days of Our Lives" shit.

The source said, “[Producer] Shonda [Rhimes] and the writers are pissed at her. It’s their way of screwing with her. She won’t know whether she’s going to live or die.”

The brain tumor is a good start, but they need to go all the way. Make that cunt shave her head and then put Izzie into a loooooong coma, but make sure she's in every scene. That way Katherine just has to lay there without saying a word. Scratch that. They would totally give her an Emmy for that shit.

The Mac Dude only broke up with Drew Barrymore less than a week ago, but he's already found a rebound. Some source told OK! Magazine that this morning, while we were in our beds dreaming of cotton candy penises (seriously, that was my dream), Kiki and Justin Long were holding hands and being gross in NYC.

The source said, "Justin was holding Kirsten's hand while walking around downtown NYC in the SoHo area. They looked like they had stayed out all night and Justin had bloodshot eyes, but Kirsten was all over him and kept leaning in to kiss him." Kiki loves bloodshot eyes. She also loves eye boogers. She probably ate those off him. And he sucked off the leftover food that gets stuck her snagtooth. Well! They are both dirty birds. Dirty celebrities like being dirty together.

Up until today, I figured Justin was just some nothing actor who got lucky with the Mac commercials. But I decided to IMDB him and he's been in a lot of shit. He was the voice of Alvin in the "Alvin and the Chipmunks" movie!! I'd hit it for that reason alone. Imagine him saying, "I'm gonna cum all over your titties" in his Alvin voice? Amazing....and sexy.

Oh and they probably broke up before their first orgasm together. Kiki texted "It's OVER" to him, right before she came. That's how she works.

Surprise, surprise. Bret Michaels and Rock of Love 2's winner, Ambre Lake, broke up. Like they were ever together. You know what this means? Yup, Rock of Love 3 will be back on Vh1 early next year. This kind of sucks, because the genital warts I caught from watching last season were just starting to clear up.

This time around Bret is filling his tour bus with a bunch of skanks and bringing them on the road with him. They will travel across the country with Bret on a month-long-tour. Most of the skanks will feel right at home since they probably grew up in a trailer.

Each time the tour bus stops in a new city, the whores will complete in challenges and one will be left off the bus. It will be called Rock of Love Bus.

This shit is not about finding love. This shit is about watching a bunch of chicken heads get drunk and do ho shit in their natural environment.

I will only watch this show if the sexy bitch on the right in the picture above is in it. Who am I fooling? I'm going to watch it anyway. I can't wait for the Waffle House challenge. You know there's going to be one.

Reese Witherspoon cleans up well, but Jakey would still look sexier in that gown - IDLYITW

Ben & Jerry's gives Elton John his own ice cream - Towleroad

Brad Pitt is an Inglorious Bastard - Just Jared

Holly Madison dresses like my high school's resident slut. And no that wasn't me - Hollywood Tuna

More from Gis Bundchen's classy ass photo shoot for V Magazine - Egotastic!

Everything is fake on Lisa Rinna (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Justin Timberlake's memaw should be his new publicist - Lainey Gossip

Scooby-Doo on CSI - Cityrag

Holly and Bridget hate Kendra - Hollywood Rag

Posh is just an ordinary alien - Popsugar