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I'm beginning to think that the evil warlords of Hollywood are purposely butchering our beloved classics as part of a bigger plan to slowly destroy us all. And it's working. Variety reports that MGM is planning to do a MUSICAL remake of 1983's "Valley Girl." There goes the dagger. Straight into my non-existent heart.

The musical will use the movie's original story with 80s songs. The movie will SUCK DOG NUTS.

A "Valley Girl" movie without The Plimsouls, EG Daily, Josie Cotton or Deborah Foreman? This is sacrilegious. This is like rewriting the Bible.

You know who Hollywood is probably going to get for this mess? Miley Cyrus, Zac Efron, one of the Jonas Hos and they'll throw in Rumer Willis just to torture us even more.

Why ,Valley Girl?! Why couldn't they have taken "Reckless," "Teen Genius" or "Vision Quest" instead?! Anything but Valley Girl! I'm waiting for the day they finally take "Heathers." That will be the final nail.

Not only did Brit Brit sign over sole custody of SPF and JJ to KFed, but she has also agreed to pay his ass $20,000 a month in child support. He used to get $15,000 a month. He got a raise! $200 for the kids and $19,800 for him! Kids only need a box of animal crackers and a couple of Crayolas.

People reports that KFed's lawyer will also get $250,000 from Brit Brit for his work on the custody case.

So what does Brit Brit get in return? Peace and quiet! She can finally enjoy her glass of Boones Farms without some annoying ass kid tugging at her sweatpants, complaining about how hungry he is. Seriously, Brit got more visitations and an extra overnight. A source told E! that once the conservatorship of her estate ends, she will ask the court for 50/50.

The settlement papers haven't been filed, but it's pretty much a done deal. They were supposed to go to trial and now that's not going to happen.

Brit's lawyer said, "It was a victory for the whole family that they don't have to go to a trial." It's not a victory for us. Brit Brit and KFed's courtroom drama was going to be my summer guilty pleasure. What about the hours of entertainment we were going to get from that trial? What about us?! They are so selfish!

You know KFed is popping the Alize and Henny tonight.

For the zero of you out there that actually give a horse's vagina (DON'T CLICK ON THAT), Khloe Kardashian has broken out of the clink! She destroyed the jail bars and busted through the concrete walls. Not really, they just let her go.

Khloe served 173 minutes out of her 30-day sentence. She checked herself in this morning. TMZ reports that she was let go due to "overcrowding." That's because she takes up 3 jail cells! Not to mention that the prison guards were probably running from her she-hulk ass.

You know Wonky McValtrex is fucking pissed! Nicole Richie did 82 minutes, HoHan did 84 and Khloe only did 173.

Khloe's lawyer said, "Khloe was prepared to serve her entire sentence if that is what the Sheriff's Department had ordered. Having said that, she is, of course, happy to have been released and she is looking forward to fulfilling all the conditions of her probation."

Translation: PARTYYYYYY TIME!!!!

First of all, there's nowhere safe for your eyes to run. From the cokey snot in his nose, to the crack pox on his face to the moldy butter wedges in his mouth....it's all too much. That being said, I'd still sit on his face and use my ass suction to suck up the leftover coke out of his nose. I'm sorry. That was uncalled for.

Anyways, an arrest warrant was issued for Dreamboat Doherty after he didn't show up to a court hearing for the second time. Dreamy was supposed to be in court today to enter a plea on charges of causing criminal damages for allegedly attacking a female pap last summer. When he didn't show, an arrest warrant was issued.

A few hours later, the warrant was withdrawn and Dreamy's spokeswhore said, "The matter has been resolved and the warrant has been withdrawn."

That's fucking right! The court realized they were messing with the wrong crackie! Dreamy is above the law and they need to realize that. They've already fucked up by putting him in the chokey for a few days and they better not eff up again. If they do, Dreamy will sneeze on them and that will be the end of those dumb bitches!

The movie version of the Broadway musical "NINE" started out with a pretty hot cast, but now producers are filling the other roles with pieces of trash!

Javier Bardem was originally cast in the lead role, but he dropped out because he was too tired or something like that. Daniel Day-Lewis quickly replaced him. Nicole Kidman, Penny Cruz, Judie Dench, Marion Cotillard and Sophia Loren were announced as his female co-stars. Totally hot, right?

Well, now E! reports that Kate Hudson has joined the cast and Fuggie Fug is in talks for a role. NO! Way to meth it up. Kate will play a Vogue journalist named Stephanie. Fuggie might be up for the role of Saraghina, a whore. No, she's really a whore. If old-faced Fuggie joins this shit, they will have to change the title to "NINETY."

Daniel needs to stay away from the Fuggie. She will only piss on him! He likes milkshakes, not meth piss!

"There are worse things I could do.....Than to smoke a crack rock or two..."

Amy Wino was back out on the streets of London looking like a broke down Rizzo from Grease. Actually, she looks pretty cleaned up. New jacket, new belt, new shoes and her crack bush is covered up. Job well done, Wino.

Wino stepped out of her crack den to visit Blaaaake in the chokey. The Daily Mail reports that he will be sentenced on Monday. He could get up to 5 years in prison. If you stick your head out of the window on Monday morning, you will probably be able to hear Wino scream "BLAAAAAAKE" over and over again after the judge finally sends his haggard ass to the clink.

One of my life's goals is to get my picture taken by the police department. When my time finally comes, which it will, I want to know what to expect. Do you get more than one shot? Do they say "say cheese"? Is there a little birdie over the camera? Do they give you a proof sheet and allow you to choose your best shot? Do they have red eye remover? I always get red eye. Seriously, I have so many questions.

They must give you more than one shot, because how did Khloe Kardashian end up with a decent mug shot? She needed to "smile with eyes" more. Other than that, it's pretty good. TMZ also claims she's 5'10" and 145lbs. We'll let Khloe believe that. The scale really read, "Get off me, bitch!"

Below is Khloe partying with her sister Kim last night. They threw her a "Girl, You're Going to Jail!" party. You know how Kardashian trash does it.

Yes, I am still suffering from the terminal disease known as CarrotTopalitis. There's is nothing that can be done. I have a severe unnatural obsession with a mutant science experiment. I don't even know why, because I've heard it through the cherry tomato vine that Carrot's stick looks like a baby carrot on a pile of saffron. I don't care. I'd bounce on that mini carrot until it turned into baby food.

I am fully aware that he looks like Jackie Stallone on roids. Scratch that. I think Jackie is already on roids. Jackie Stallone on A LOT of roids.

Blame my disease. The fact that I'd let Carrot Top go fire balls deep is enough to have me institutionalized for the rest of my days.

Here's my favorite fire crotch leaving Dan Tana's in Los Angeles last night.

Jessica Biel should really put that hickey cover over her fake trout lips instead - Lainey Gossip

Brittany Murphy can touch her toes (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Reggie Bush shows it off in Spain - Towleroad

Audrina "Ceiling Eyes" Patridge is all about her tittays - Egotastic!

Rachel Bilson needs a new pair of shorts - Hollywood Tuna

Kelly Brook with some hot dude in a top hat - IDLYITW

Vanessa Hudgens is whoring herself out for some coffee brand - Just Jared

Schwarzenegger vs. Schwarzenegger - Cityrag

Mimi might terrorize Las Vegas - Hollywood Rag

Balthazar Getty giving Sienna Miller a breast exam - Popsugar

Chyna's long-lost daughter, Khloe Kardashian, turned herself into police this morning to begin serving her 30 day sentence for violating her probation. 24-year-old Khloe was arrested last March for DUI. She was given probation and was told to complete a booze education program and community service. She did none of that, so a judge ordered she-hulk to 30 days in the clink.

Khloe was surrounded by her skank family and cameras as she arrived at the Van Nuys court house this morning. TMZ reports that Kim and company dropped Khloe off and then went to eat. They know this shit is going to last a quick minute. Khloe is currently at Lynwood.

She will be out before I hit the publish button on this post.

Khloe is probably already the HBIC of Lynwood. The minute she stomped into the mess hall, the light fixtures started shaking, plaster started breaking off the walls and every bitch in there immediately bowed down to her. That giant bitch is scary!