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I was never much of a Dawson's Crack fan, let alone a fan of Katie Holmes. Lately, I have found myself on YouTube looking up Katie's old scenes to remember what she used to be like. It's sad. Tommy Girl has used his alien powers to suck out Katie's youth and any cuteness she ever had. Tommy better be paying her ass top dollar, because now she looks like an elderly, slow, lesbian turtle who puts on a fake smile even when she's given bad news. I mean, I bet if you went up to the robot bitch and said, "Katie, you only have 48 hours to live." She'd put on that creepy smile and say, "Ok! Can I make you some pancakes." Tommy Girl loves pancakes. Especially with strawberries and cream.

It's also strange that she looks like an old twink. How is that possible? Twinks are supposed to look young, but she manages to look like an elderly one. Bitch is a freak of nature.

Here's the old ass twink filming "Eli Stone" with the ex Mr. Angelina Jolie, Jonny Lee Miller.

Brenda Walsh will officially return to Beverly Hills to seek vengeance on those who have wronged her! Kelly Taylor better take refuge in the Peach Pit basement. The producers of the "90210" spin-off have announced that Brenda will be back. They can fire those other hos now, because the only bitch that belongs on that show has returned.

Shannen's spokeswhore also confirmed it, “Shannen is looking forward to returning to 90210." She's also looking forward to giving Kelly Taylor a concrete smile.

You know this crazy bitch is going to freak out and get fired AGAIN! Even a Valium overdose couldn't control Shannen's insanity. I just hope she goes out with a bang this time.

The producers said that Brenda will be a visiting drama teacher who comes to West Beverly High to direct a musical. Kelly is one of the counselors at West Bev.

A drama teacher?! This makes sense. Brenda proved she was a true thespian when she auditioned for "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof." Remember how that dumb slut Laura tried to kill herself in the theater after Brenda got the role? I hated Laura! Clip below:

VIVA BRENDA!

First of all, that dude in between Mimi and Nick is in deep prayer. He's asking God, "Please God, help me remember to address her as 'her butterfly highness' or it's back to working security at Rite-Aid."

Nick Cannon kept his bank account close as he left Mr. Chow last night. You know he uses Mighty Putty to keep her hand bonded to his. He's smart. Don't let that money of out of your sight!

Wait, is that bitch wearing pasties underneath her skin-tight dress? I hope they are shaped like Hello Kitty, unicorns or Mickey Mouse.

I'm also surprised that Mimi and Nick are still married. It's almost been 3-months! That's impressive. If they make it to one full year, I swear I'll give up dick for an hour.

Here's the butterfly tramp and her child bride at Mr. Chow last night. A broken Cristiano Ronaldo was also there. Those are the ugliest crutches ever. He could have taken time out from waxing his eyebrows to bedazzle that shit or something.

Did you know Dyan Cannon, star of "Heaven Can Wait," is like a 100 years old or something? Ok, she's really 71, but still! She looks hot for someone that was born during the Great Depression! I wonder if she lived in Hooverville?

She was also Cary Grant's fourth wife! Ancient! Anciently hot. Yes, I know she's been under the knife at least a dozen times, but she hasn't crossed over into Joan Van Ark territory, yet. I remember when I saw her on "Ally McBeal," and found out she was like 60 at the time! Memaw with a sexy bod.

Anyway, here's the total GILF leaving Mr. Chow on Thursday night. I also threw in some pictures of that old bag Doris Roberts. She's only 6 or 7 years older than Dyan.

Put down that fucking chocolate croissant and pay attention. Saint Angelina and the twin messiahs have been released from their hospital chambers in France to embark on their world tour. The pope has cancelled all of his travel plans and has given Saint Angelina and the chosen ones use of his pope mobile. Seriously, Angie Jo left the hospital this morning after giving birth a week ago. She needed the week to get lipo, a tummy tuck and a titty lift recover.

Angie Jo, Hard Knox and Vivi managed to beat the paparazzi rush and slipped out around 4 a.m. They joined the rest of the Brangelina holy family at Chateau Miraval. Paps were stationed on roof tops near the hospital, thinking that Angie would fly away in a helicopter.

One witness told People, "This group of people got into the van, very quickly. . . . It was all done in a hurry. And they were very quick organizing themselves inside. Very rapid. And then 'Pouf!' they were gone" DUH! That's how saints do it. They disappeared in a cloud of holy smoke and all that was left was a feather from Hard Knox's angel wings.

You know, I was really hoping some slick pap would get a clear picture of the chosen ones. That would have totally effed up their multi-million dollar picture deal. Quick! Somebody text Maddox and offer him a Hoveround in exchange for poloraids of the golden twins. That shit would make a kick ass default picture for my Facebook profile.

Image: Gallery of the Absurd - Source

Basically, "The Dark Knight" has already made a shit load of cash. The bitches at Warner Bros. are having a money party this weekend, where they will swim in pools of money, drink money martinis and wipe their asses with $100 bills.

It made $18.5 million on midnight screenings alone, breaking the midnight record set by Star Wars, Episode III, which made $16.9. George Lucas is a loser!

In total, it made around $63 million on Friday. It will probably make around ten billion dollars by the end of the weekend. "Batman Begins" made $48.7 million in its first weekend.

This is the thing, I really want to see TDK. I do. But a big movie means big crowds, which means BIG morons. Especially in this fucking heat. Heat makes morons even more moronic. And I have a fat mouth, so sometimes the word "cunt" just seems to creep out when I'm really annoyed. Before I know it, I'd have ten frat boys on my ass ( and not in a hot way). I don't need to spend the rest of my weekend in a hospital bed or jail cell. Nu uh.

I think I'll go see "Mamma Mia" instead. I hear it's fucking torture, but I'll bring Jack and ask the concession bitch to only fill my Coke halfway. You know, for my medicine.

Ami Dolenz - Star of "She's Out of Control" and also the star of such blockbusters as "Stepmonster" and "Witchboard 2." Below is the big makeover scene from "She's Out of Control." And by "big makeover," I mean they just took off her glasses, removed her braces, let her hair down and suddenly she's gorgeous.

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