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Balthazar Getty wants you to know that he has split up from his wife of 8 years. You know, just in case you didn't figure it out for yourself after seeing pictures of him groping Sienna Miller's slut sacks (NSFW).

Balthazar issued this statement:

"Herro. My name is Balthazar and I'm a dumb, cheating whorebag who purses his lips in every stupid picture he takes."

No, this is what he really said:

"The breakdown of a marriage is a very difficult and painful experience especially when children are involved. In light of the fact that many pictures have surfaced in print and on the Internet which has caused myself and my family great embarrassment, I felt it necessary to at least acknowledge publicly that yes indeed my wife and I have separated and I will not be commenting any further."

Maybe he should've thought about that before he frolicked out in the open like a horny puppy. Wait, do puppies even get horny? That didn't sound right. Pupophilia is wrong.

Anyway, why couldn't Balthazar act like a normal person and keep his affair behind closed doors (aka the local Motel 6)? And Balthazar (I like writing his name) left his wife for the wrong slut. Sienna Miller is going to move on to the next dick before he can say "syphilis."

Source: People

The crack rock of Amy Wino's eye, Blaaake Fielder-Whatever, was sentenced to 27 months in the chokey this morning. Wino didn't show up for the fun and games, but Blaaake's hot mother Georgette was there.

I doubt she shouted "Blaaaaaaake" when he was sentenced. She probably just rolled her eyes, went outside, lit up her 30th fag of the morning, and then asked one of the reporters if she could borrow a few bucks. After she finished gossiping with the court clerk, she shuffled off to her day job tending bar at some pub where they call her G-Cakes.

You also know her house smells like the inside of an ash bin, and she probably has four cats named Johnny Rotten, Sid, Steve and Paul after the Sex Pistols. Love her.

Below is G-Cakes being hot outside of the court house. I also threw in Blaaake's mug shot. I'd hit it.

Thumbs down to thievery! Some cunts robbed Dreamboat Doherty! While Dreamy was coking it up performing in Spain, some dumb bitches broke into his crackie den and stole a $2,000 guitar and three of his blood paintings.

Dreamy came home yesterday to find his shit gone. Is he sure he didn't accidentally smoke that shit up and forgot about it? It was probably just one of his many drug dealers collecting payment. Dreamy needs to interrogate all 10,000 of his pussies. Knowing them, they were probably too cracked out to notice.

In 2003, Dreamy was sent to the chokey for six months for robbing the home of Carl Barat, one of his Libertines bandmates. Don't say this is karma! Karma doesn't exist for Dreamy.

Don't worry. Dreamy will get the last laugh! In a couple of days, the whores who robbed him will find themselves with some sort of rare STD only found in the jungles of Dreamy's house. That's what they get for fucking with a crackhead.

Source

If this isn't a sign that the troops need to come home then I don't know what is. Heidi Montag said that she's going to go to Iraq to perform for the troops. You know, because they haven't been through enough, so we might as well torture them with live singing from Heidi.

The plastic horsey told Extra (via People), “My brother was an airborne ranger in Afghanistan and Iraq. It’s very important to me and important to Spencer to support the troops and go over there." Heidi's stepbrother, who fought in Iraq, passed away last March after he fell off a roof in Colorado.

Spencer said that John McCain's daughter, Meghan, is going to help them get to Iraq, “I think Meghan McCain is helping organize Heidi and our Iraq trip. Her dad definitely has some pull with the military. I think she’s going to put that together for us.”

How about we send Twit and Twat to Guantanamo instead. They won't know the difference. That way we can lock them up and throw away the key. Nobody has to know! It will be America's little secret.

If Heidi Montag performs in Iraq, then the terrorists win.

This is the worst fucking Monday ever. I woke up with a hangover and I didn't even booze last night, my air conditioning is about to go on strike, my TV is acting wonk, I just ate the last Good Humor Strawberry Shortcake ice cream bar and now I find out that some skank is knocked up with Pharrell Williams' baby. And that skank is not me. Tuesday can't come sooner.

Page Six reports that Pharrell knocked up some model-type. I hope the skank gets really fat. I hope she gets fucking obese. I hope she gets cankles in her arms. A friend of Pharrell's said the whore is really pregnant, "Pharrell is extremely private and won't release any details."

This shit isn't right. Although, I think I just got pregnant from looking at a picture of his sexy weasel face. If I am pregnant, I'm going to hit him up hard for child support. And by "child support," I mean sexual favors.

Last Wednesday night, Kenny Anderson was reading the paper and drinking his Sanka at his regular diner in Wilkesboro, N.C. when a minivan came cashing through the window and pushed Kenny into the counter. Kenny calmly grabbed his hat, put it back on his head and walked away.

Kenny went on "Today" this morning and told Meredith that he really didn't realize what had happened. He said, “It just knocked the breath out of me. I couldn’t breathe at first." Kenny was taken to the hospital, but he didn't have any major injuries or broken bones.

Was Brit Brit Spears in North Carolina last week? No, the woman driving the minivan said she lost control of the her vehicle and her brakes stopped working. Before busting through the diner, she also hit an SUV and two parked cars. She was not injured. "Lost control of the car" is a drunk bitch's way of saying, "I was WASTED!"

Kenny is seriously one calm pepaw. I would've ran off and quickly called my lawyers. The diner, the driver, the minivan maker, the bitches who installed the window and the city would all have lawsuits in their hands! Kenny doesn't seem to give an eff. He just wants another cup of coffee.

Source

Khloe Kardashian wasn't even in jail for 3-hours, but she still spoke to Ryan Seacreast on his KIIS-FM radio show this morning to talk about her life on the inside. She's such a fucking hardened criminal.

She said that as soon as she got to Lynwood, the drama started, "There were three bomb threats, and so they put me in solitary confinement. A warden came down to see me and said, 'You're the one causing all the problems here ... There's all these bomb threats, and we're thinking it's for you.' They released me early because I was a threat to the prison. But because of all these things, it's a blessing, and I was actually released early because I was a threat to the prison.""

They lied to her, because they are afraid of her. They knew that if they pissed her off, she would destroy that prison with just a few punches and kicks. She forgot to mention that when they told her they were letting her go, they also said, "Please don't hurt me. I have a family. Pleeeease! Pleeease. Mercy!"

Wait, maybe the bomb threat they were talking about is Kim Kardashian. She was in the area and if that bitch farts, dozens of people could be injured.

Khloe went on to say that she will never drink and drive again, "Honestly, I would never do it again...It's just not worth it...It's so much time." It was 3 fucking hours! I take shits that last longer than that. I know, I should see a doctor.

Nicky Kidman supposedly popped out a baby two weeks ago, but you wouldn't know that the bitch was pregnant at all. Nicky already has her skinny bitch body back. Although, I'm not sure she ever looked totally knocked up. Overdosing on botox seriously works wonders.

Sunday Rose must be the size of a rose petal. No wonder Nicky and Frosty have been out so much. They are able to take Sunday Rose with them. She sleeps at the bottom of Nicky's pocket.

Nicky also needs to pay a visit to Frosty's hairstylist. Her hair is like part memaw and part tween girl. It's fucking strange. Her hair is in the Twilight Zone.

Last night on "Brooke Knows Shit Best," Brooke interviewed potential roommates and one of them asked her who she was voting for in the presidential election. This is what she said, "You know what? I am actually not that much into voting. I think it’s kinda crazy that a woman is running, because I think that women deal with a lot of emotions and menopause and PMS and stuff. Like, I’m so moody all the time, I know I couldn’t be able to run a country, ‘cause I’d be crying one day and yelling at people the next day, ya know?"

No, Brooke. I don't know. The reason why you're such an emotional wreck is because of al the male hormones and roids you take. The fact that you're a Hogan doesn't help. Not all women are like that. It's just your fucked up family. And you couldn't run a country because you have shit for brains not because you're a woman. Wait, I take that back. Being President has nothing to do with being smart. Look at Dubya.

This is also reason #4,578 on why all the Hogans should not be allowed to breed anymore.

VIA E! Online

Fuggie Fug in a denim diaper. How fitting - Hollywood Tuna

It's Halle Berry's baby! Well, the back of her head anyway - Popsugar

Ashley Dupre's reverse tramp stamp is fugly - Egotastic!

Christina Milian's tramp stamp is fugly (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Rosario Dawson washing herself off with some garden hose - IDLYITW

Fishsticks and Vadge take the kids for a walk - Just Jared

The Watchmen trailer is here - Cityrag

Shirtless Becks - Why not? - Lainey Gossip

Is there a Project Runway gay romance? - Towleroad

Ashton Kutcher can't remember his own wedding anniversary - Hollywood Rag