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The friends that I'm talking about are Spliff and Vodka. Wino's other best friend, Crack Pipe, couldn't come out.

The Crackie of Camden was out in London early this morning doing what she does best. I'm jealous that she gets to walk around with a bottle of vodka like that. It would make me the happiest hobag in the entire world if I could just walk the streets with a huge bottle of vodka without getting lip from the police. Instead, I have to take the time to pour that shit into a water bottle. Wouldn't that be ironic if Wino actually had water in that vodka bottle? Yeah, not a fucking chance. It's probably liquid crack, if there is such a thing.

Here's Wino with Mick Whitnall and her hooker friends walking the streets this morning. When I first saw her acid wash jeans, I immediately thought, "Is this bitch on crack?!" But I really should have thought, "Is this crackhead on vegetables?!"

HoHan was mowed down by a bike while leaving a club with SamRo in NYC last night. Dyke hit by a bike! Her driver took her ass to the hospital and she was out by 4am. I'm sure she went home and got mowed down again by SamRo. I'm not sure what that meant, but it sounded lesbianey, so I threw it in.

Michael Lohan told the New York Post, "She's not hurt. That's all I really care about." Yup, I'm sure that's all he cares about. As soon as he found out about the accident, he called HoHan's lawyer first to see if he was in her will at all. The lawyer couldn't talk because White Oprah was on the other line.

Whoever hit HoHan's ass, did it on purpose. It's just natural instinct. You're riding down the street, you see HoHan walking out of a club, and you can't help but want to hit her ass. 25 points! Seriously, as long as SamRo wasn't injured, that's all I care about.

Here's our favorite cokey gayelles out and about in NYC a couple of days ago.

This is Alexandru Ionce and his wifey Livia from Canada. The welcomed their 18th child, a girl, into this cruel world last Tuesday. Yes, 18th. Ten plus eight. Michelle Duggar has some serious competition. Michelle is currently knocked up with her 18th.

44-year-old Livia's 17 other kids range in age from 20 months to 23 years old. 10 girls and 8 boys. None of them were twins and all except one were born naturally. Livia's got the Hoover Dam of coochies.

Livia said that they had hoped their 18th kid was girl, so things would be even. They aren't sure if they are going to keep having kids. Alexandru said, "We just let God guide our lives, you know, because we strongly believe life comes from God and that's the reason we did not stop the life. We let life come." Oh, I bet you did. Who knew that such an elf of a man could have such powerful spermies.

Alexandru works in the construction industry and Livia stays home with their fifty five million kids. They should put all those kids to work. Sweat shop! I'm sure Walmart would hook them up.

After giving birth to 17 babies naturally, I'm sure labor is a breeze. Livia doesn't even need to push. The baby just stands up and walks out of her vagina like nothing.

Below is an itty bitty picture of Alexandru, Livia and their 17 kids. Their kids' names are (are you ready?): Ioana, Alexandra, Anca, Adrian, Raluca, Alex, Lidia, Timothy, Sefora, Otniel, Miriam, Simion, David, Aaron, Naomi and Filip. Their newest kid's name is Abigail. I hope they make their kids wear name tags because their brains are going to explode trying to remember all those names.

And you thought the pictures of Vadge looking like a turtle's wet peen (NSFW) were bad. This is way worse! Vadge needs serious psychiatric help. I mean, high heeled sneakers? I went caca in my panties just from writing that. Smells like boiled brisket. Anyway, this is a cry for fucking help! Only whorey nurses and fitness-loving hookers from the 1980s wear high heeled sneakers. I'm sure Mimi wears them too, but she doesn't count!

SAVE VADGE!

I still haven't seen "The Dark Knight" yet. I know. If I don't see that shit by the end of this weekend, a warrant will be issued for my arrest. I'm pretty sure you're breaking some kind of law if you don't see this movie. Anyway, why should I bother seeing it when I've already seen Danity Kane's comic-book inspired video for "Bad Girl."

As much as I love the raggedy cotton ball known as Aubrey O'Day, this shit is bootleg. It looks like it was paid for with blowjobs and El Pollo Loco gift certificates. This shit also looks like porn. The porn version of Batman. Let's call it "Scatman" or "The Dark Niner."

Aubrey also needs to change the lyric "look at my eyes covered in Maybelline" to "look at my eyes covered in Maybelline, tar, molasses and crow feathers."

Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves took Baby Levi Strauss for a walk yesterday in Malibu. You're probably assuming that Baby Levi is in that stroller. You know he isn't. He's probably in that bucket, because Matthew thought it would be "totally rad" to carry him that way. He saw it in "National Geographic" or something. Matthew's bongo and his bong are riding safely in the baby stroller.

Camila looks pretty hot for just having a baby. I'm assuming that bitch had the works after she gave birth. Every Hollywood bitch probably gets it. The doctors don't even ask anymore. As soon as baby pops out, they bring in the wet vac and make it all right again.

Matthew also went for a walk later in the day with Baby Levi Strauss and a "friend." GAY! And how can Matthew have two baby strollers? They can fit both of those things in his trailer home?

When something in your house breaks, a normal person would kick it or call it a "stupid cunt." Not Keith Walendowski from Milwaukee. When his lawn mower didn't start, he shot the bitch. You know he probably yelled, "Godamn stupid fucking lawn damn fucking mower!" when he shot at it.

One of Keith's lady friends, who lives with him, called the po po and got her old man arrested. What a bitch! He was probably interrupting her favorite "Mama's Family" re-run.

Keith was arrested and charged with felony possession of a short-barreled shotgun or rifle and misdemeanor disorderly conduct while armed. When asked why he shot the lawn mower, he said (read this with a raspy slur) "I can do that, it's my lawn mower and my yard so I can shoot it if I want." Pepaw has a point.

Keefs (that's probably what his friends call him because they are all drunks) faces up to an $11,000 fine and six years and three months in prison if convicted.

Keef's lady friend also told the police he was drunk at the time. You fucking think? Just from looking at his mug shot, I can smell the mixture of Early Times whiskey and Pall Malls.

That being said, I wouldn't hit it. Shocking, eh? Okay, I'm lying. I totally would if he shared some of his Early Times with me.

Source

Thanks Carol Ann

Ummm.....errr.....well.....um....the colors on her t-shit are pretty? I can't! What in Jack Skellington hell is going on with Vadge?! Is she injecting roids directly into her face now? Even international supermodel Phoebe Price is looking at these pictures thinking, "Damn. Her chicken cutlets are out of control. Bitch needs to rotate those things." And her roid twigs will haunt my daydreams!

I hope Lourdes is leading her mother to the nearest buffet, followed by a 6-month nap in an oxygen chamber. Calgon, take Vadge away!

Earlier this week, Balthazar Getty stated the obvious by announcing he has split up with his wifey after he was caught being slutty with Sienna Miller. TMZ reports that Balthazar has been e-mailing with estranged wifey, Rosetta, and saying shit like, "I love you." Sienna probably already dumped his ass. Married men aren't fun anymore when their separated from their wives. Kind of kills the thrill. Hollywood wives better put a dick belt on their husbands because Sienna is cumming for them!

A source claims that even though Balthazar's pepaw is a billionaire, he hasn't seen any of the family money. Rosetta supported his ass until he got the "Brothers & Sisters" job.

What is the point of being married to a Getty if you're not bathing in $100 bills every night? I mean, Balthazar is hot and everything, but he looks like he has an "innie" and I'm not talking about his belly button.

Rosetta better not take his skeezer ass back! Instead, she should make him think that if he does a bunch of shit for her, she'll take him back. She should make him videotape himself shutting a desk drawer on his peen. Or make him use his urethra as a mouth to say, "My name is Little Balthazar and I am stupid, fugly, piece of trash who ruins lives." I do that shit in the bathtub when I'm bored. Don't judge!

This is just an excuse to post another picture of Dollhouse Dude. He was my favorite part of this whole Brit/KFed custody fiasco. Dollhouse Dude is looking so.....sad. This bitch needs help! Ty Pennington and Fisher Price should team up to give him a makeover. He also might need help from Habitat for Humanity. Dollhouse Dude is going to be without a dollhouse soon. Sad. I'd send him mine, but I'm really attached to it. It's my favorite Sunday afternoon activity. Play with my dollhouse while getting plastered.

Anyway, the Brit and KFed custody battle is officially over for now. Yesterday, Commissioner Gordon signed off on the custody agreement. KFed gets sole custody of SPF and JJ with Brit Brit getting visitation rights. She currently has one sleepover per week and will get another one before the end of the year.

KFed will get $20,000 a month in child support. He used to get $15,000. Brit also has to pay off his $250,000 legal bill. Daddy Spears, who is in charge of her ass until July 31st, agreed to the settlement.

Brit Brit will probably ask for 50/50 custody once the conservatorship ends.

Damn, KFed and his attorneys probably celebrated with whores, hot wings and Henny. $250,000? I really should have been a lawyer. Too bad I hate wearing a suit. Seriously, lawyers might be happier if they could wear shorts and t-shirts to work. The only bitch that should be allowed to wear a suit is Rojo Caliente. She makes it looks effortless.

OK! Magazine asked KFed's lawyer why he needed the $5,000 a month increase and his lawyer said, "He's trying to contribute as much [of his own money] as he can. It's never been about the money." Cue laugh track.