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File this under: Can't she just buy a baby mouse instead? "Desperate Housewives" creator Marc Cherry opened his butterball mouth to UsWeekly and said that Eva LongWHORIA is trying to have a baby. Alert the fucking world! You know she made him announce that.

He said that Eva and Tony are "desperately trying to get pregnant." I love how he threw the name of his show in there. Marc went on to say, "After they phone their doctor, she promised me I will be the next call." Negative. The first call will be to their PR sluts to begin the baby whoring.

You better believe that if she's pregnant, she's going to sell everything. EVERYTHING. She's going to sell the baby announcement, the ultrasound pictures, her placenta, the umbilical cord and limited-edition jars of her amniotic fluid. Shit, if the price is right, she'll even sell her baby! She'll also talk about it day and night. Eva will even launch the Eva Baby Watch Channel. 24-hours of Eva LongWHORIA baby news! Barf.

Here's Eva on the set of DH looking like she just got off the graveyard-shift from her job at Howard Johnson's. There's a little nip action in some of the pics, just so you know. I pity the poor child who has to suck on those selfish things. Yes, Eva has selfish nipples. You can tell.

Page Six reports that 80-year-old pepaw Adam West might join the next cast of "Dancing with the Has-Beens." A source said, "Adam is in outstanding shape. He works out an hour a day and walks with his big dog on his farm in Sun Valley, Idaho." Walks with big dog on farm? Is that code for something I should know about? It sounds sort of sexy.

Adam's rep would not say that nothing is definite. The entire cast will be announced on August 25th. Just add the OG Batman to the long list of skanks who are rumored to be joining the cast. They include Chloris Leachman, Lance Bass, Toni Braxton, Jewel, Ty Murray and Florence Henderson.

Adam, Chloris and Florence are too good for that shit! They should be doing a sitcom together or starring in Werther's Originals commercials. But if Adam insists on doing the show, this should be his opening number:

VIA SOW

Sandy Allen, the world's tallest woman, passed away this morning at the age of 53. Sandy's cause of death is unknown. A family friend said that she was recently hospitalized for a blood infection, breathing trouble and kidney failure. She died at a nursing home in Shelbyville, Indiana.

Guinness World Records confirmed that Sandy is still listed as the world's tallest woman at 7'7". Supposedly there's a woman in China who is 7'9" but that hasn't been confirmed.

Sandy was always proud of her height and used it to teach school kids that it's okay to be different. Sandy also had a huge sense of humor. In the 1980s she was a regular at the Guinness World Records Museum in Toronto. She said, "I'll never forget the old Japanese man who couldn't speak English, so he decided to feel for himself if I was real."

Rest in peace, Sandy Allen! You will be missed.

Pamela Anderson was reportedly back with Tommy Lee, but she later brushed it off by saying she's just "living" with him while her house "gets built." There's a vagina rejuvenation joke in there somewhere. Anywhore, Pammy might be telling the truth, because E!'s Marc Malkin claims she has a new man.

This isn't just any new man, he's apparently royalty. She's a royal whore, so they make a perfect couple. The mystery dude is a member of Abu Dhabi's royal family. Pammy met him while visiting Abu Dhabi last June. She also announced that she's working with the royal family to build an ecofriendly bordello in the area. Okay, they're building a hotel. We say whore house, she says hotel.

Pammy and her new dude were seen out in West Hollywood this past weekend. She calls him Milk-Sheik, or Milk for short. Well, hopefully she's going to milk that dude for all he's worth. He sounds like he cums money.

She needs to marry that dude. I normally wouldn't advise that to a skank who has been married more times than she can count (seriously, she can't count that high), but she has to marry him without a prenup. Once she gets his money and leaves him, she'll have to join the witness protection program, but that's ok! She can cover her safe house in gold and diamonds.

*Image Removed Per Request From OK!*

And I'm not talking about SPF or JJ. I'm talking about Cheeeeeeetos and Sunkiiiiiiist! Look at JJ's face. He's thinking, "Is she going to share her Cheetos this time?" Sorry, kid. It's never going to happen.

I'm totally having this picture made into a beautiful velvet painting to hang over my toilet. It's that amazing.

VIA Breathe Heavy

Thanks Al

The Crackie of Camden is the #1 celebrity British people have nightmares about. Since that's the case, maybe she should play Freddy Krueger in the new "Nightmare on Elm Street" movie. She's already got the face for it. Awww! I shouldn't say that. It's just that she has a face only a drug dealer could love.

Dreamboat Doherty was also on the list at #4. Whoever is having nightmares about Dreamboat needs serious counseling. Actually, they need to be throw in the loony bin for the rest of the days. That just doesn't make sense. You have dreams about Dreamboat, not nightmares! Duh! It's in his name. My dreams about him usually leave me reaching for a baby wipe and a cigarette, if I ain't being too sublte.

The survey, conducted by Travelodge, asked 3,500 people which celebrity or politician they usually have nightmares about. Here's the top 10:

1. Amy Winehouse
2. Marilyn Manson
3. Gordon Brown
4. Pete Doherty
5. The Cheeky Girls
6. Simon Cowell/Kerry Katona
7. Cherie Blair
8. Jodie Marsh
9. Heather Mills
10. Alistair Darling

JODIE MARSH?! Okay, these people must be eating chocolate before bedtime. Where are the real monsters? Parasite Hilton? The Hogans? Tori and Dean? These are the hos that give me nightmares!

Source

The bitch that sent this to me will have nightmares tonight where a million dislocated elbows will dance around him. TRUST. I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is some fucked up shit right here. Fucked up shit with a side of not right piss.

Below is a video of Hungarian weightlifter Janos Baranyai popping out his elbow while trying to lift some heavy shit during his Olympics debut. His elbow comes out and just hangs there like a little walnut.

You see, this is exactly why I don't work out. This can happen to anyone. Yes, I know Janos was lifting heavy crap, but it can also happen when you're touching your toes or even walking down the street. Shit, I don't even know if I can walk anymore after watching this video. I don't want to chance it. So the next time someone asks me why I don't get my lazy ass off the sofa, I'm going to show them this terrifying video.

And if the video wasn't enough for you, visit the Daily Mail to see pictures. I'm sorry.

VIA Deadspin

International supermodel Phoebe Price made a triumphant return to the catwalks of Paris on Sunday night where she instantly became the toast of the town all over again! And by "Paris" I mean "Anaheim, CA." Disneyland to be exact. Downtown Disney to be exactly exact.

So what if it wasn't Paris! PP isn't one of those snob types that thinks their cutlets don't stink! She walked in a fashion show held in an outdoor mall, because she wanted to give back to the people! The people who made her the international sensation she is today! That and the organizers probably gave her a dinner voucher for the Rainforest Cafe. Who would turn that down?!

Here's more of our very own "Hot Babe of the Year" working it for of a bunch of people who have no idea who she is her thousands of fans at Downtown Disney. And also lounging in her luxurious dressing room. JLo is totally jealous.

When they first announced that "Shrek" would be made into a Broadway musical, I kind of rolled my eyes and continued to eat my Lucky Charms Treat. When they announced the entire cast, I still didn't think they would actually go through with hit. Well, they are and here's Brian d'Arcy James in full costume as Shrek. He looks like something I hocked up this morning. It was crunchy too. Should I be concerned?

This d'Arcy James dude better be making bank to get into this boogery mess every night. And sing in it! Although, if I saw him in costume in a dark bar, I'd probably want to get with him. Think of all the things you can do with those two horns! Bump and suck!

The caca fiesta known as "Shrek" opens tomorrow night in Seattle and will come to Broadway this November.

Look at what the possum dragged in! No, seriously, I think a possum dragged that skeezer from her corner and into the local park for this picture. This dirty dish towel of a woman claims she did secret sexy times with Casey Aldridge while Jamie Lynn was knocked up.

28-year-old Kelli Dawson said she began bumping shrooms with 19-year-old Casey last year. She told InTouch, "We were both really attracted to each other. He totally instigated it and pursued me. His friends would tell me that he liked me, that he thought I was pretty.” Well, he was lying to you, Kelli. I mean, about the pretty part.

Kelli went on to say that they fucked each other a few months before Jamie Lynn popped out a baby, “It just didn’t feel right. He had to deal with the baby coming, and it had to stop.” The last time they had sex was in March, but Kelli says they still "kiss occasionally."

Even Brit Brit's first husband, Jason Alexander, popped in to "confirm" Kelli's claims, “Kelli and Casey have been a couple on and off for a few years. They were a really tight couple, but I think it was hard for Kelli, having Jamie Lynn in the picture.” Was InTouch handing out Shakey's gift certificates to anybody who had anything to say about Jamie Lynn and Casey? What the hell does Jason Alexander know?! And I hate myself for the fact that whenever I hear the name "Jason Alexander," I don't think of the dude from Seinfeld, I think of this douche! That's a crime.

Kelli has no business running around with a 19-year-old anyway. She looks like she has 5 of her own kids to take care of and a $40-a-day meth habit to feed.