Archives

Daisy De La Hoya, the muppet stripper from Rock of Love 3, has already effed her way through Bret Michaels, Dave Navarro and probably C.C. DeVille. It should be no surprise that she's reportedly bumping genital warts with Tommy Lee. She'll fuck any foolio in a band and he'll fuck anyone with a pulse, so this works out just swell.

Daisy's spokesbitch told E! that they are "just friends." Daisy needs to stop lowering her voice and pretending to be her own publicist. We know that raggedy tampon doesn't have a spokeswhore! And we know what "just friends" means to her. That just means she hasn't let him do it in her no-no hole yet.

Daisy also flashes her skanks bags in Tommy Lee's Titty Cam video which plays before every Mötley Crüe's show. Aww....they work together. It must be true love. Honestly, these two poster skanks for the CDC make sense to me.

And I think you caught the clap from reading this post. You better head down to the free clinic and get that shit checked out.

A jury in Houston, TX ruled today that Victoria Osteen, wifey of mega pastor Joel Osteen, did not give a flight attendant hemorrhoids.

Sharon Brown, the flight attendant, claimed crazy-eyed Victoria attacked her ass on a flight to Vail, CO. Sharon said that Victoria choked her ass and elbowed her in the tittay after a stain on her first-class seat wasn't cleaned up quickly enough. Sharon said the attack gave her hemorrhoids, affected her faith and caused her anxiety. She wanted at least $405,000.

Outside of the court house, Joel Osteen flashed his teeth made of Wite-Out and said, "It's a great vindication and shows us the faithfulness of God." Oh shit. The clouds just turned when I read Joel's statement. That's God rolling his eyes.

Sharon was robbed! I believe Victoria gave her hemorrhoids. Look at that woman! She probably hypnotized the jury with her crazy eyes! Actually, methinks Victoria's crazy eyes could also burn off Sharon's hemorrhoids. They should look into that. And if you've never seen a picture of roids, click here (NO, DON'T!)

Thanks Momus

Quick, Julia! There's a Nazi trying to get into your safe house. Throw that big fish at her before she busts in!

In a report out today, Julia Child has been named as one of the 24,000 people who worked as a covert agent for the OSS during World War II. You know Julia Child beat the schnitzel out of a few Nazis and then made them a delicious roasted chicken dinner afterwards.

The Guardian has the details:

Child was one of more than 24,000 covert agents working on behalf of the Office of Strategic Services (OSS), a second world war-era precursor to the CIA. Her fellow spies included professional baseball player Moe Berg, US supreme court justice Arthur Goldberg and Miles Copeland, the father of The Police drummer Stewart Copeland.

In new records released today by the US national archives, Child admitted she left a previous job in furniture advertising after personality conflicts with her employers.

"I made a tactical error and was out," the French-cuisine guru wrote in her OSS application. "However, I learned a lot about advertising and wish I had been older and more experienced so that I could have handled the situation, as it was a most interesting position."

Child, who died four years ago this week at age 91, applied for the spying post years before marrying Paul Cushing Child and opening her storied French cooking school, L'Ecole des Trois Gourmandes.

I bet you Julia's signature voice isn't real! Her real voice is probably sultry and velvety, but she didn't want any of the Nazis to find her out. I love her even more now. Although, I can't fuck with her recipes. I tried to make one of her recipes once and after I took a glance at it, I closed up the book and ordered Chinese. That shit is impossible.

Mary-Kate Olsen must be cackling at the rumors that she's "burning through her cash." The Olsens are probably the richest trolls in the world, raking in $40 million total each year. Shit, the Travelocity gnome even makes less than that.

Maybe the source meant that she's literally "burning her cash" because she's so fucking rich. There's just not enough room in her tree trunk anymore. The talking wolves who guard her riches told her that some of her cash needs to go. They just can't keep up.

The source told UsWeekly (via MSNBC) that the troll is spending her money on everything. Her people have told her to cut down on “travel, jewelry, clothes and especially security.” They forgot to add cocaine. Oh shit. I didn't mean that. I meant to say limited-edition Troll dolls.

If the troll is going broke, then I'm going celibate.

That's the same face I make whenever I look at pictures of Tori the Hutt and her oaf of a husband. In fact, I'm making that face now. Come to think of it, I should always make that face. You never know when a 10-incher might magically land in. Enough of that filth talk. Out of the gutter and into the Tori.

Tori the Hutt and that douche-person she calls a spouse caused a paparazzi frenzy yesterday when they tried to have lunch. I don't know why the paps were going so crazy. Don't they know that Bigfoot has already been found?

And is Tori knocked up again?! I wouldn't doubt it. Every time I see her in pig tails, it seems she's about to spawn again. Tori and Dean probably fuck the way bearded dragons fuck.

In other Tori the Hutt news, she told OK! Magazine that even though she's not in the pilot episode of "90210," she plans to do the show in the future. She didn't talk about the "money issue" though. She said, "I was supposed to be in the pilot and then I had Stella daughter when they went back into production so it didn’t work out, but I’m hoping to return later in the season."

How cute of Tori to think that the show is actually going to last that long. And if it does last that long, they still won't want to pay top dollar for her ass.

Welcome back to The Katie Holmes Denim Watch '08! Although, Katie isn't wearing denim today. She's wearing what I call a "going to do laundry" outfit. It's also the only outfit you'd find hanging in HoHan's closet. It's pretty effin sad that I have no idea what I wore yesterday, but I know what this ho wore. I swear. I need a new hobby.

And when is this sad robot going to cheer up already! Being married to a crazy closet case and worshiping aliens isn't that bad! Okay, maybe it is.

I interrupt your regularly scheduled program of bitching and moaning to.....well...to bitch and moan some more. I've been trying to fight off this horror show of a cold for a few days now. My sister told me to get this shit called Buckley's. She promised me that it works miracles. Well, the bitch must really despise me, because this shit is the ugliest thing I've ever put in my mouth. And that's saying a lot.

I figured Buckley's would taste like every other cough syrup. You know, they all taste like a delicious Lifesaver dipped in formaldehyde. Buckley's is nothing like that. I can't explain it. It's seriously Satan's sperm. That's probably the secret ingredient.

Whenever I swallow it, my nipples clench. Not only does it taste like sex club ass, but it's not pretty on the eyes either. It sort of looks like yellow jizz. It's like when a dude has to cum and piss at the same time, and it both comes out. Yeah, that's what it looks like.

I've been taking it the past couple of days and still hasn't fixed shit! The only thing it's done is improve my gagging reflex slightly. Hmmm....that's not such a bad thing.

Okay, rant over. And now I'm off to gag on some Buckley's.

Chuy is way too good for Ceiling Eyes - Hollywood Tuna

Selma Blair is looking classy - Popsugar

Joe Jonas is a cop - This is someone's gay fantasy - Just Jared

GAY! The U.S. male gymnastics team show off their medals and muscles - Towleroad

Parasite Hilton lets everyone know that she's still a skank - Egotastic!

Rhys Ifans and Kimbo Stewart are still going at it - Hollywood Rag

Celebrity titty jobs gawhore - Cityrag

Squinty Zellweger, where have you been? - Lainey Gossip

Who's gayer? Mischa's dog or her boyfriend? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Clooney is not texting Obama - Mollygood

Ashley Jizzzdale is a moron - I'm Not Obsessed

Miley Cyrus has a new boyfriend - ICYDK

Vadge is not adopting a new baby from Africa - Celebitchy

Cindy Margolis is such a classic beauty - IDLYITW

Christian Bale may not be charged for allegedly "pushing and shove" his mommy during a fight last month in London. Christian was arrested after some nosy bitches called the cops on him. It was reported that Christian's mommy and sissy were trying to get $200,000 for him and he wasn't having it. He denied that he ever touched them in a meanie way.

The Sun reports that if Christian tells the cops he's guilty, he will get a caution and avoid court. If he doesn't, the cops can still charge him.

A caution? That is so polite! So if he says he's guilty, the cops will just say, "Ah! That's kay love! Just don't do it next time. Would ye fancy some tea now that we've settled that?" Or they might just say, "HA! We tricked the Batman! Off to prison ye go - for life!"

UPDATE: Christian will not face any charges. He's officially off the hook. BLIMEY!

Yes, Tommy Girl! We all know how much your ass can take. It's very impressive. We're very proud of you. Your asshole is grinning cheek to cheek. It's so happy for you.

Anycrazy, this is not Tommy Girl's year! He's been replaced by Saint Angelina in a movie, the studio doesn't want him in Mission Impossible 4 and his movie about the Nazis keeps getting pushed back. I just wish it would get pushed off the face of the earth already. Along with Tommy Girl. That wasn't mean of me to say! He's an alien! He can fly to his home planet.

Well, now his longtime partnership with Paula Wagner has come to an end. Paula announced that she is stepping down as co-owner and CEO of United Artists which ends her business sisterhood with Tommy. Paula said, "I'm finally rid of that crazy twat!" No, she really said, "I’ve truly relished working with my longtime partner Tom Cruise to revitalize United Artists, and I am proud of all that we’ve accomplished in the past two years, reinvigorating the brand and developing such a strong slate of films." Blah...blah...blah...jack me off and pour me some lemonade.

Since everything is falling on Tommy's peanut head, does this mean he's going to have an epic meltdown? I have my hard hat ready, just in case. I've been waiting for this shit. Now if we can only program Katie Holmes to leave Tommy Girl for his arch rival, Xenu.