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As John Mayer left the gym in NYC yesterday, he talked to his best friends, the paparazzi, about his break-up with Jennifer Aniston. He said, "There's no lying, there's no cheating, there's no nothing. Jennifer Aniston is the smartest, most sophisticated person I think I have ever met."

He went on to say, "But she tied me to the bed with mink handcuffs, put on sexy lingerie and kept calling me her 'mormon husband.'" Okay, he didn't say that last part, but Jennifer Aniston is totally the next Bernann McKinney. She's going to try and clone Brad Pitt using the hair she cut from his head every night as he slept. Believe it.

When asked what went wrong with their fairytale romance, he answered, "Well, I figured out I was dating Jennifer Aniston." No, he said, "People are different, people have different chemistry. I ended a relationship to be alone, because I don't want to waste somebody's time if something's not right." Translation: "She poked holes in the condoms to try and get pregnant and I'm a man whore who can't control his 'Dominican penis.'"

Here's Mayer with his brother in NYC last night. I know he's related to John Mayer, because I can see the douche in his eyes. That shit is genetic.

Portia de Rossi, 35, and Ellen Degeneres, 50, completely ruined their relationship by getting married in California yesterday. It's a known fact that marriage ruins people's lives!!! Although, Portia and Ellen will beat the odds. Gayelles do it better.

Ellen's spokesbitch confirmed to People that they made it legal at their home in Los Angeles. They both wore Zac Posen, because details like that are very important. When you lay awake tonight, thinking about what in muffin hell Ellen and Portia wore to their wedding, you'll have the answer. Oh! And the flowers were by Mark's Garden. Another very fucking important fact.

Only 19 people were invited to the ceremony. Iggy the Dog better have been their ring bearer or I will slap Ellen with a veiny dick and she won't like that very much. In fact, it might make her vomit uncontrollably.

Congratulations to these two lezzies in love. Do you think whoever officiated the ceremony said, "You may now scissor the bride"?

Debbie Phelps - Mother of superhuman Michael Phelps. Actually, he's probably been named a god by now. As you know, Michael won his 8th gold medal last night becoming the greatest person in the world or something like that. Personally, I think Debbie should've won the gold medal in freaking out. I couldn't find video, but the look on her face when she found out Michael won the 100m butterfly was priceless. It looked like she went pee pee times in her memaw panties, and she probably did.

Sean Penn (48)
Giuliana Rancic (34)
Donnie Wahlberg (39)
Gilby Clark (46)
Sue Hawk (47)
Belinda Carlisle (50)
Rick Hilton (53)
Martha Coolidge (62)
Robert De Niro (65)
Maureen O'Hara (88)