Archives

Over two weeks ago, we got the sad news that Christina Applegate was battling a form of breast cancer. Well, she's in the clear! In an interview airing on "Good Morning America" tomorrow, Christina said, "I'm clear. Absolutely 100 percent clear and clean. It did not spread. They got everything out, so I'm definitely not going to die from breast cancer." Thank Buck Bundy!

Christina was able to catch it early thanks to a doctor ordered MRI. She said that when she first found out she "was so mad and I -- I just remember I was -- I was just shaking - and then also immediately, I had to go into... 'take-care-of-business-mode,' which was ... I asked them, 'What do I do now? What - what is it that I do? I get a doctor, I get a surgeon, I get an oncologist? What do I do?"'

She quickly started calling around to find someone to teach her how to live macrobiotically. Does that mean she can only eat seeds, grass and berries? Can you at least drink booze on a macrobiotic diet? It's made out of natural shit, right? Just say yes!

UPDATE: Christina said she underwent a double mastectomy, even though the cancer was detected it only one breast. She said, "My decision, after looking at all the treatment plans that were possibilities for me, the only one that seemed the most logical and the one that was going to work for me was to have a bilateral mastectomy. So basically I had a prophylactic double mastectomies. I didn't want to go back to the doctors every four months for testing and squishing and everything. I just wanted to kind of be rid of this whole thing for me. This was the choice that I made, and it was a tough one." She didn't undergo chemotherapy.

Phew! I'm happy to hear that Christina is going to be alright. Let's all celebrate by getting off of our fat asses and doing the "Bundy Bounce" in her honor. And don't forget to say, "The newwwwwww Allante" while doing it! Clip below (skip to 9:18):

VIA UsWeekly

Just like the Pussycat Dolls and Gwen Stefani before her, Avril Lavigne might have to change her act in order to play Malaysia. The Islamic party has asked the government to cancel her upcoming concert on August 29th, because they feel her act is "too sexy." That pretty hilarious, because Avril is about as sexy as wet granny panties hanging over a shower rod. Seriously, why did my abuelita always insist on washing her enormous panties in the sink and drying them on the shower rod? It was always one of the first things I saw in the morning growing up. Memories.

Anyway, a party official said this about Avril's show, "It is considered too sexy for us...it's not good for viewers in Malaysia. We don't want our people, our teenagers, influenced by their performance. We want clean artists, artists that are good role models."

The Ministry will discuss this shit in a meeting tomorrow. Concert organizers are positive that they will be able to work things out. When PCD and Gwen Stefani played Malaysia, they had to tone down their show and cover up their shit.

In Avril's case, I'm guessing "too sexy" really means "fucking annoying."

Source

I can't believe Beyonce and Daddy Knowles actually let Solange out of the basement to shoot a video for "Sandcastle Disco." What am I saying? They shot this shit in the basement. If you bring your nose close enough to the screen, you can even smell Beyonce's musty wigs marinating in basement dust.

Beyonce must have told Solange that "Sandcastle Disco" would be a cute title for a song. NOT. It sounds like the name of a tranny bar in Thailand.

And it's not right that Mama Knowles made Solange's outfits out of Beyonce's old ass prom dresses. Some of the shit Solange is wearing makes her look even more like the broken condom baby of Diana Ross and Orlando Jones. Not right! I blame Beyonce!

Don't worry, Solange. I'm still your biggest fan. Hell, I think I'm your only fan.

Beth Stolarczyk from "The Real World: Los Angeles" and countless "Real World/Road Rules Challenges" got hitched over the weekend in Santa Monica to some real estate developer named Matt Ciriello. Not only is she a married woman, but she's also carrying a baby Bethasaurus in her belly.

I can't believe that someone actually married this crazy bitch! Did he have a gun to his head? If Tami from The Real World were here, she should scream, "It wasn't not funny!"

Beth told UsWeekly, “I have never been happier in my life. We are over the moon. I was not expecting to be pregnant on my wedding day, but then I’ve always done things a little controversial." Beth's baby girl is due this December.

You better believe pregnancy isn't going to keep her from doing another RR/RW Challenge. She's going to get out there, huge belly and all. Nothing keeps Beth from the cameras!

On Saturday night, Michael Phelps became the greatest human being that ever lived after he won his 10 millionth Olympic gold medal or something like that. Saint Angelina even bowed down to him for a quick second. Anybutterface, Michael's 8 gold medals could earn him up to $100 million in endorsement deals. WTF? For splashing around in a pool?!

Michael's agent spoke to the Wall Street Journal and right after he finished wiping the drool from his greedy mouth, he said, "What is the value of eight golds in Beijing before a prime-time audience in the US? I'd say 100 million dollars over the course of his lifetime." His agent said that he's been getting around 50 offers a day. 49 of those are offers from cougars and gay dudes who want to do the body butterfly with him on their waterbeds. You know who you are....MOM!

Michael already has deals with Speedo, Hilton and Omega. One industry expert said that if he leaves Speedo, Nike could pay him up to $50 million. Bitch better get that money! And once he gets it, he better build Debbie Phelps a crystal palace, because she deserves it! That woman is a diamond.

AND! Michael Phelps has already reached Chuck Norris levels of awesomeness. Someone started a website full of "Michael Phelps Facts." Here are some of my favorites:

Water drinks Michael Phelps.

Every time you see a shooting star you are really watching Michael Phelps train in space.

If you look into the eye of a hurricane you will see Michael Phelps swimming.

Sure Jesus walked on water, but Michael Phelps swims through land.

Newborn dolphins learn to swim by watching footage of Michael Phelps.

I really should have titled this is "Kate Hudson's Vagina Needs To Take A Breather." Seriously, it's working overtime!

Kate has basically effed her way through most of Hollywood and NYC, so it's no surprise that she's going in for seconds. A source told Star Magazine that Kate has been burning up Owen Wilson's cell phone. Bitch wants a boot-ay call.

The source said, "He was frosty at first. He felt betrayed when she dumped him for his friend Lance. But after a while, he caved in and has been sweet to her." Owen's friends are afraid that he's going to fall for her again! Vaginamatized! "It's not fair to Owen, because he really cares for her and ends up getting hurt," said the source.

Honestly, I'm more worried for Kate Hudson's vagina than I am for Owen's soul. Her vagina seriously needs to tour the vineyards of Napa, take a yoga class, read poetry or anything else that will calm it down. It's been working it to the pelvic bone.

I'm afraid that the next headline I read about Kate Hudson will be: "Kate Hudson's Vagina Checks Into Cedars-Sinai for Exhaustion."

Over the weekend, John Mayer opened up his tampon lips and started blabbing about his break-up with Jennifer Aniston to the paparazzi. He said that he's the one that ended it and that nobody cheated, lied or blah...blah..blah...insert douche lingo here....blah...blah....

According to one of Jennifer Aniston's "friends," she's not going to talk about the relationship or how it ended. The friend told MSNB's The Scoop, “Jen will never kiss and tell, but it’s she who ended the relationship. (Mayer's) childish behavior only confirms she was right to dump him. Now he’s acting like a spoiled child. Expect Jen to behave like a lady.” I fucking love that. Jen's not going to talk about it, but if you really must know....

The friend said Jen broke up with him for a couple of reasons:

1: He's an attention whore - “He has a relationship with certain paparazzi (and) bloggers. He tips them off. He loves the attention. Jen didn’t want to believe it was happening, but it was, and she has no tolerance for that.”

2: He's cheap as fuck - “Cobwebs come flying out of (Mayer's) wallet when he opens it. John liked living like a movie star when he was with her. ... Jen would never say anything, but you could tell it irritated her.”

A movie star?! What movie star are we talking about exactly? I'm impressed that cobwebs come flying out of his wallet! He should do that trick at his concerts. It would be a lot more entertaining than his music.

And you know that when Jen found out John was talking about her ass, she immediately told her friend, "Oh my god! What did he say? Did he say he loved me? No don't tell me. Did he say I was pretty? No I don't want to know. Should I call him? Should I go over there. Ugh. Forget it. Hand me the Breyer's and just stroke my head." She totally said that all in one breath.

Why did I think Kanye West had major body underneath his clothes? It's like meeting a hot bitch at a bar and thinking they are all ripped under their clothes. You go home with them only to find out that their body looks like something out of an Easy Bake Oven. Total and utter letdown. But that still doesn't stop you from riding that shit until it pops.

And for such a cocky bitch, Kanye has such teensy weensy nipples. Baby nippies. He needs to moisturize his nipples daily with Nipout! It doesn't work on ass lips though. So.....I've heard.

With all that being said, I'D HIT IT! Yes, in all caps. That's how Kanye likes it.

This touching and eloquent obit showed up in the Times-Herald Napa/Sonoma paper. It's already been removed from the papers website, but I'm going to choose to believe that this is a real obit. It's just too amazing to be fake.

I'm sure that when I'm finally strapped into the jet plane to hell, my family will just copy and paste this shit as my obit.

Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008. She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby.

She is survived by her daughters Marietta, Mitzi, Stella, Beatrice, Virginia and Ramona, and son Billy; grandchildren, Donnelle, Joe, Mitzie, Maria, Mario, Marty, Tynette, Tania, Leta, Alexandria, Tommy, Billy, Mathew, Raymond, Kenny, Javier, Lisa, Ashlie and Michael; great-grandchildren, Brendan, Joseph, Karissa, Jacob, Delaney, Shawn, Cienna, Bailey, Christian, Andre Jr., Andrea, Keith, Saeed, Nujaymah, Salma, Merissa, Emily, Jayci, Isabella, Samantha and Emily. I apologize if I missed anyone.

Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing.

Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again.

There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, GOOD BYE, MOM.

Oh Dolores! Your family might have hated you, but I love you and we've never even met! Seriously, Dolores and I are cut from the same bitch cloth.

....and it's everything you would expect. It's basically torture for your ears. On a positive note, I think all the wax in my ears melted away.

Heidi explained the deep meaning to her new song "Overdosin" to Ryan Gaycrest on his KISS-FM show this morning. She said it's about "when you fall in love with someone... and you're just overdosing off of their love." Okay, that pretty much confirms that Spencer probably writes her songs for her.

I want to fucking overdose after listening to that pony warble. It's horrific. It sounds like Parasite Hilton's twatty lips singing into a fan.

VIA UsWeekly