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Last week, pictures of Vadge looking like Tommy Girl's used-up ass lips were all over the internet. This week, Vadge is looking a bit better, but she still looks like the saddest she-hulk in the room. You know why Vadge usually looks like she used to host a show on HBO from 1989 to 1996? It's because she's too fucking healthy! Seriously! The bitch works out too much and all she eats is seeds and grass. It's not right.

This ho needs to spend two days with me and she'll be back to normal! Here's the Michael K way:

Breakfast: 8 cups of coffee with sugar and Coffee-Mate (french vanilla), 2 Pillsbury Toaster Strudels, a big glass of Tang and 2 Bagel-Fuls.

Lunch: 1 A&W Cream Soda, 2 servings of Easy Mac (their servings are small), 1 Mexican style Hot Pocket and your choice of a frozen Snickers or 1 Nilla Cakester.

Snack: Kraft Easy Cheese on Fritos or saltines with Kraft slices melted over them. Wash it down with a chocolate Slim-Fast shake.

Dinner: 4 vodka tonics and your choice of American (McDonald's), Cajun (Popeye's), Mexican (Taco Bell or Chipolte), Japanese (Top Ramen from the corner deli), Italian (Olive Garden) or seafood (Red Lobster). I would say Chinese, but we don't have P.F. Chang's or Panda Express around these parts which really sucks.

Exercise: 3 hours of reality TV, bong hits and at least 1 hour of porn (to boost hand eye coordination skills)

Vadge would look brand fucking new if she did it my way for the next couple of days. Her shit scent would make the lights flicker and the walls sweat, but that goes away after a couple of hours.

Here's weepy Vadge and Lourdes leaving the Kabbalah center in NYC last night.

97-year-old Grace George was fast asleep dreaming of Robert Redford in a hot Metamucil bath when she heard her big pussy yelping all loud and shit. Okay, when I hear a pussy howling, that usually means it needs a little q-tip action. Grace was pissed that her pussy, Boo Boo, woke her memaw ass up, so she got out of bed to beat that pussy down. No, but she got out of bed to investigate.

Grace picked up Boo Boo and was about to throw her outside when she smelled smoke. Grace's house was on fire! Grace then ran outside in the rain and flagged down a car. She said, "Thank God it was a lady. All I had on was bikini underwear and a tank top." This memaw likes to keep it sexy for bed times. You know she's lying though. She was really wearing a g-string, exquisite lucite heels and pasties.

Grace and Boo Boo are safe and sound, but her house is busted up. That bitchy ass fire caused $115,000 worth of damages to her house and possessions. Grace canceled her home insurance 4 years ago! Grace isn't complaining though and is thankful that her big pussy saved her life, "I'm going to get her a special treat, a can of salmon. That's $2."

Grace should raise cash by putting Boo Boo to work! I'm talking about a career as a recording artist. Obviously, pussy can howl! If a big, dirty pussy like Heidi Montag can get a record deal, so can Boo Boo!

Source

Thanks Kath

I'm so used to seeing international supermodel Phoebe Price only posing with her dog Henry, her mom and various inanimate objects, so it's a little weird seeing her with this chick. I have not yet determined if this chick is good enough to be in the company of such greatness. The chick's name is Meredith Ostrom. She's an actress or some shit. You know she paid PP thousands of dollars to hang out with her for just an hour, because she knows being seen with a major A-lister will boost her career. PP was kind of enough to take pity on her.

Here's our very own "Hot Babe of the Year" in Beverly Hills yesterday, posing with an audition script, some dresses, a bike, and a car. I bet PP graduated first in her class at Barbizon School of Modeling! I didn't even graduate in the top 10! And please tell me PP is playing the role "Gloria Ramos" in a movie or TV show. Also, please tell me Gloria Ramos is a chola. Seeing PP as a chola would be my cue to exit this world. There would be nothing more to see after that.

This is Saint Angelina laughing at us for already making plans to rush to the newsstands on Monday morning to plop down a few dollars for 30 pages of pictures of her precious twin messiahs. Yes, 30 fucking pages of baby pictures alone. Gawker reports that the hos at People closed the issue last night and the entire spread clocks in at around 30 pages.

I don't even want to look at 30 pages of pictures of babies I'm related to! I mean, what the hell? Here's a picture of Hard Knox with his eyes closed! Here's a picture of Vivie with her eyes closed! Oh! Here's another picture of Hard Knox with his eyes closed and his mouth is open. What's sad is, I'm still going to carefully analyze all 30 pages. I hate myself.

It was rumored that People and Hello! Magazine bought the rights for around $10-$15 million. A source told AP that the final number was $14 million. The cash will go to a foundation created by Brangelina that helps children around the world.

People should seriously find ways to make more money off of these pictures. They could put out a coffee table book and sell t-shirts. Shit, they should make wallet-sized versions of the pictures. That way Brangaloonies can carry them around in their wallets and easily show friends pictures of their "best friends' babies." Seriously, Brangaloonies will look at their friends with glazed eyes and say, "You want to see pictures of the most beautiful humans in the entire history of the world? Say yes or I'll cut you."

And in case you haven't already tattooed it onto your forehead, the first picture of the golden twins will be on People's website tomorrow at 7pm EST.

Yes, I'm the only dumb skank who gives a tiger's penis (NSFW) about Stepford Katie's love of tight rolled jeans. They made their first known appearance over two weeks ago. I hated her jeans at first, but now they're slowly growing on me. I've been stuck in the mid-1980s for so long and Katie's hideous tight rolled jeans have slowly brought me into the late 1980s and early 1990s. The New Kids on the Block reunion has also helped me move past 1985. I'm getting there.....

That being said, Stepford Katie still looks like a bowl of wilted lettuce with no dressing. You know she thought she looked extra sexy with Tommy Girl's disco jacket on.

And since we're talking about the early 1990s. I leave you with this musical masterpiece. When I was a kid, my friends and I would choreograph dances to this song. Again, thank GOD YouTube wasn't around then. For the longest time I thought he sang, "shit is on the window." I thought that was really edgy.

Even with all his problems with that horsey lady with the scaaawy teefs, Mini-Me still manages to get the hot chicks. It's funny that Mini-Me's lady is making that face, because she's going to be making that same face later when Mini-Me's toddler leg is halfway up her chocha. It's okay, girl. Just breathe and think about rainbows and garden gnomes. Well, maybe not gnomes.

Mini-Me is still no match for me. I'd get with that bitch, but he would have to bring his A-GAME. One leg isn't going to cut. I'd have to shout at him, "Bitch! Use two legs. I can't feeeeeel it, bitch! Put a condom over your body and dive on in, because I'm ready to do this!"

Here's Mini with some chick at a Sidekick party last night. This makes me really want a scooter. It would make life so much better.

SamRo and HoHan were doing lezzy things at LAX yesterday when they were asked how they felt about Police Chief Willy's comments. In case you lost a few memories from binge drinking last night, LAPD Police Chief Willy Bratton said they don't have to deal with the paparazzi as much because HoHan has done and "gone gay." Yeah, because that's easy to do. Watch out! Don't hit your head too hard on anything or you might go gay! That's what happened to me. I was hit over the head with a fat dick and voila! Gay as Tommy Lee's peen is looooong.

HoHan responded to TMZ, "Police chiefs shouldn't get involved in everyone else's business when it comes to their personal life. It's inappropriate." Don't worry, HoHan! That Chief Willy doesn't know what he's saying because he's got JD for brains.

However, I think it's inappropriate that SamRo and HoHan are wearing that many clothes in fucking August! That's when you can tell a bitch is rich. Rich people don't really dress for the weather because they go from air conditioned car to air conditioned room. Poor folks gotta wear coochie cutters, crop tops and flip flops to keep from passing out from the heat.

Here's SamRo and HoHan on their way to Chicago yesterday.

Beatrice Rosen - The hot Russian ballerina, Natascha, from "The Dark Knight." She had big chichis for a prima ballerina, but she was one of my favorite parts of that shit. I couldn't find the scene where she's talking to Harvey Dent, but her Russian accent sounded like fucking Natasha Fatale! So Hot!

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