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Every time promo shots come out for the new season of "Desperate Housewives," I expect to see a bunch of mannequins looking all "desperate" in a room filled with apples. The promo pictures for season 5 aren't anything new. These hos look about as waxy as those apples laying around them. What is up with all those apples anyway? Teri Snatcher needs to pick one up and eat it. Eva LongWHORIA needs to stuff one down her throat. And Marcia Cross looks like a hot ginge ghost who is about to eat your soul. And her skin is making the floor look tan.

I usually don't look forward to this shit show, but I am this season. Gale Harold, the return of Edie and a haggard (more than usual) Eva LongWHORIA? I'm in.

The holy Brangelina family was recently featured in a ten million page spread in People magazine, but I guess that wasn't enough attention for them. Fashion Week Daily reports that Brad Pitt photographed Saint Angelina and the rest of the family for the cover of November's W Magazine.

Brad and Saint Angie were last on the cover of W in 2005 (above).

Brad took the pictures of his family last week at the Church of Brangelina aka Chateau Miraval in France. This will be Brad's first time shooting a cover. Photography has apparently been a hobby of his for a while and Saint Angelina even bought him some fancy camera for his birthday.

We get it!!! Why do we need to be constantly reminded?! They're utter perfection. They can do everything better than everyone else. They're family is so beautiful that stars fall from the heavens when they walk by. They shit diamond covered golden nuggets.

We all spend our nights crying into a bowl of soggy Rice Krispies because we will never be like them and we know it. I'm talking to you Aniston.

These two need to get their own reality show already. They can even fancy it up by calling it a "documentary" and putting it on PBS. They love flaunting their amazingly flawless family, so it just seems like the natural thing to do.

Terrence Howard told The New York Times that he got the inspiration for one his songs while stalking his ex-wife. Terry said: "I wrote that song (No. 1 Fan) as a stalker. It was raining, and I was sitting there in front of the house, watching her come home from a date after we were divorced. I was imagining what she did on this date, and watching her giving him a kiss. I went home and wrote this song."

No. 1 Fan? Please, you know he wrote that song for baby wipes. It's okay, Terry. Your obsession for baby wipes is undeniable.

But just in case, some of you should get a restraining order against Terrence Howard. You can never be too prepared. I'll take my chances. Terry is Creepy McCreepster, but I'd still hit it.

Source

What's the point of watching the MTV VMAs if Brit Brit isn't going to be onstage whipping her possum's nest around? Brit's manager, Larry Rudolph, told Ryan Seacrest that she would not be performing at the VMAs. Ryan made the heartbreaking announcement on his KIIS-FM radio show this morning. He said: "Britney Spears will not be performing at the VMAs this year. I'm telling you officially and unequivocally." Ryan went on to say that Brit will be involved in the show somehow.

What a way to crush my Cheeto dreams. I was planning on making a Cheeto Chicken Casserole in her honor. Mmm.....Cheeto Chicken Casserole with a Frappitini. Delicious. Here's the recipe in case you want to impress your special someone with something truly gourmet:

Ingredients:
4 to 6 chicken breast, cooked and cut up
1 can cream chicken soup
4 boiled eggs, chopped
1 onion, chopped
1/4 c. mayonnaise
1/4 to 1/2 c. celery, chopped
Crushed Cheetos for topping

Directions:
1) Mix above ingredients together and put in long casserole dish.
2) Crush enough Cheetos to cover top.
3) Bake in 350 degree oven for 30 minutes.

Your mouth says yes, but your bowels say no.

A priest in Italy will hold an online beauty contest for nuns to show the world that not all of them are old and homely. Rev. Antonio Rungi of Naples said he got the harebrained idea from the nuns he works with. He's lying. He probably got the idea from watching "America's Next Top Model." Thanks Tyra.

The "Miss Sister 2008" pageant will start next month. Nuns from around the world will be able to submit a picture of themselves along with a short bio. It will be their choice to pose with a veil or not. But can they post with JUST the veil and nothing else? I know there's some naughty nuns out there.

Rev. Rungi said, "We are not going to parade nuns in bathing suits. But being ugly is not a requirement for becoming a nun. External beauty is gift from God, and we mustn't hide it."

People will have one month to vote for which nun they think can "be a model." It's basically the holy version of "Hot or Not." Will the winner get a spread in the Catholic Bible?

Seriously, what's next? A reality show to find the next pope? Devout Catholic Jenna Jameson (see below) can host.

Source

Jenna Jameson is knocked up with Baby Huey's baby duckling. Yada yada yada! Who isn't carrying a baby in their belly nowadays?! Maybe I should just start announcing who isn't with child, because it seems like everyone is knocked up. BABIES!!!! I'm afraid to open up my closet because I know a baby is going to be sitting there, waiting for me. They're everywhere!

Anypornbaby, it's no surprise that Jenna is pregnant. There were rumors a couple of weeks ago. She finally confirmed it to UsWeekly, “Yes, I can confirm I’m pregnant. It’s still early, so I’m being cautious. I’m resting as much as possible. I'm so happy! I'm just saying super healthy. I’ve moved down to the beach with Tito — I love being by the beach.”

The best part of UsWeekly's article is this: " But the devout Catholic — who has tried in vitro — told Us, "It was all in God's plan." If she's a devout Catholic, then I'm Mary Full of Grace.

Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller are expecting their first baby together. You hear that? It's Denise Richards' screaming "Charlie Sheen's baby batter belongs to me!!!" Ugh. Writing that made my eyeballs fart.

It's true. Charlie and his wife of 4 months found out she was knocked up on Friday. They already issued this statement to People: "Ahahaha! We're pregnant and Denise isn't!" No. They said: "Brooke and I are thrilled! She's the best stepmom Sam, Lola and Cassandra could ever hope for. Seeing her love and affection with those three, I know she'll be an amazing mom. Unless I bat 100 percent, perhaps a boy awaits us."

Denise once said that Charlie had "prostitute tranny infested sperm." Does this mean Brooke is going to pop out a tranny prostitot?! Pray for tranny prostitot because Denise is going to makes its life a living hell.

And I can't wait for Denise's response. I hope she fucking claims the baby really belongs to her and Brooke stole her fetus! I wouldn't put it past her.

Sand floating on sand! Only the Empress of Lucite has the power to walk on sand in exquisite lucite heels. Notice how the people around her are in awe of her powers (not really, but go with me on this one)? I'm sure she can walk on water with them too. With exquisite lucite heels on her feet, she can do anything!

The always elegant Shauna Sand brought a whole lot of glamour and beauty to the beaches of Miami this past weekend. I'm sure the emergency rooms were filled with peons who went into cardiac arrest from being that close to Shauna's extreme elegance. Even the dolphins in the ocean bowed before her. Shit, even the sharks curtsied. If you look close enough you can see the crabs in her precious oyster the sand crying because they are in the presence of greatness.

Seriously, her daughter is the luckiest little girl in the world. Even Shiloh Jolie-Pitt jealous.

Breaking news! Sienna Miller actually covers up her mini-chichis - Egotastic!

Parasite Hilton looking like a discount mail order bride - Hollywood Tuna

One of the Olsen trolls with her equally raggedy boyfriend - Popsugar

Vadge will never run out of fishnets - Hollywood Rag

MORE BABIES!!! Alessandra Ambrosio popped out a girl - Just Jared

Sophie Monk's blowjob face (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Zac Efron is a liar - IDLYITW

JFK's fancy JetBlue food court will be messed up in a couple of months - Towleroad

Even bad ass bikers can't resist a cute puppy - Cityrag

The Elf and The Trump - Lainey Gossip

Ginge living on the edge alert! Marcia Cross was out in Malibu yesterday when she had to go pee pee times. The chick's bathroom was taken, so she strolled on into the men's room. Arrest her! Yeah, this is something you all do. I even use the chick's room from time to time whenever there's a line for the dude's room. It happens. I'm practically female so nobody gives a fuck. I even piss sitting down when I'm really tanked.

This shit reminds me of one of my gorgeous chola cousins. This bitch mostly uses the men's bathroom at clubs or bars. What's her reason? This delusional ho said whenever she uses the women's room, other chicks stare at her with lezzie eyes or hate on her because she's so gorgeous. No joke! She said dudes never bother her. This never made sense to me because if she's so fucking sexy hot, wouldn't dudes be all over her in the bathroom? Her answer is that most dudes just want to get their piss on and can't be bothered. Some bitches have real issues.