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I've decided for myself that Pill-Poppin' Abdul and the new chick hate each other. HATE each other. Like a "I think about opening a hot curling iron in your asshole" kind of hate. I don't know this for a fact, but it's the only way I can accept the new chick. Look at Paula. If she wasn't Robitrippin so hard, she'd slap the new chick with her good hand. Her other hand is always numb from all ze Vicodin. And the new chick is softly praying to herself, "Please help me find a way to not whip this crackie's ass. I just got this job!"

Here's the new and maybe-improved "American Idol" family at the NYC audition today. Simon Cowell's manchichis are looking so perky. I bet he has some duct tape holding up those things.

Some Catholic cardinal is getting all bitchy with Ricky Martin because he used a surrogate mother to carry his twin boys.

The cardinal of Honduras compared the way Ricky became a father to raising cattle. Oscar Andres Rodriguez said: "What Martin did diminishes the dignity of a human being. You can't just buy or rent life. It's even worse when someone famous and in the public eye is doing it." Um....does Cardinal Oscar know about Saint Angelina? He's probably been warned by the powers above not to say anything bad about her or else he may disappear in a cloud of smoke!

Cardinal Oscar isn't the only one who thinks Ricky Martin is a sinner. Mexican talkshow host Esteban Arce said: “Ricky, the truth is that’s it’s bad. I don’t support or applaud him. He’s a degenerate, and I feel sorry for those kids. I don’t think it’s right to deny children of maternal figures, just because you have a big ego. These kids are going to be raised without mothers."

Whatever. Ricky is going to be a wonderful mother. Who says you need to be raised by two parents to turn out right? I mean, my father didn't help raise me and look how I ---- bad example.

And there's nothing wrong with being a degenerate! All my friends and family members are degenerates!

Although, these dumb hos may have a point. Instead of using a surrogate, Ricky should have called me up instead. I would have helped him out. I'm pretty sure my non-existent eggs are busted up, but we could have tried all night and all day. I believe in miracles.....and butt sex.

Source

Michael Bolton and Nicollette Sheridan have ended their fairytale engagement. The two started dating back in 1993. They broke up after a year and a half. She probably couldn't stand his long mop. They got back together in 2005 and announced their engagement in 2006.

Nicolette's rep told People, "Nicollette Sheridan and Michael Bolton have amicably ended their engagement. They appreciate your respect for their privacy in this matter." Don't you love how it's announced right before "Desperate Housewives" starts again? Perfect timing!

Michael said he loved her, but he lied. And Nicolette wants to know how is she supposed to live without him? She's missing him. He was her soul provider. But honestly, how can they be lovers if they can't be friends? They had a love that was so beautiful. She'll get back on her feet again. I can do this all day.

Seriously, how is Nicollette going to get over this break-up if she can't even listen to Michael Bolton songs. He has some of the best break-up songs ever!

"How Can We Be Lovers" will be in my head for the rest of August. I'm bringing you down with me:

Michael Lohan has confirmed to E! that he's engaged, but it's not official. Yeah, what?! Michael asked his longtime girlfriend Erin Muller to be his wife, but he's not ready to announce anything. The man is not good in the brains. Fucking White Oprah is bad for your mental health.

Michael said, "We picked out a ring, but it's not official." He said they will officially announce their engagement when "some family issues are resolved." He doesn't realize what he's saying. Somebody please pack Michael a paper bag lunch and immediately put his dumb ass on the short bus.

The family issues Michael is talking about have to do with his father's health. He's also waiting to find out if he's the father of 13-year-old Ashley Kaufman. The paternity test results still have not come in. I don't know why they went through the trouble of getting a DNA test. They could have just asked Ashley what 1 +1 is. If she said, "HUH?" then we know she's related to Michael.

Michael, being the mega famewhore that he is, also talked to E! about SamRo. He said, "People like Samantha Ronson don't need to be around Lindsay. She shouldn't be dragging Lindsay around nightclubs. Who was Samantha Ronson before Lindsay Lohan? She was nobody. She is using her for her own gain. All these people have inserted themselves into her life like parasites, and it's not right. I'm done with them." Again. Put him on the short bus NOW! Words are coming out of his mouth, but he has no idea what he's saying. Who's calling who a fucking user?

And Erin needs to take a good look at the cell phone strapped to Michael's waist. That says it all.

Kelly Osbourne left her house in London today looking like she just went toe-to-toe with Vadge's roided-up vagina and LOST! Kelly wouldn't say how she got the shiner.

Kelly, whatever you do, don't blow your nose! My friend recently got a black eye from being a drunken mess and bitches kept telling him not to blow his nose at all! I guess it makes it worse. If you can't blow your nose, how are you going to get the jizz out after facials? That's my question.

Here's more of busted up Kelly with her pretty boyfriend on their way to the doctor's office.

I feel like I hardly ever see pictures of Pax. He must work the day shift guarding Shiloh's ivory tower. Well, on his lunch break one day, Maddox should take him down to the salon. I do like Maddox's blue mohawk, though. It's probably not hair dye. One of the twin chosen ones touched his hair. If Manic Panic was around when I was a kid, I probably would have had pink hair with glitter in it like Jem!. Yeah, thank Cheesus it wasn't around.

Brad and the boys arrived in Italy today for the Venice Film Festival. Brad's movie "Burn After Reading" premieres there tomorrow. Saint Angelina isn't expected to grace the crowd with her godly presence. She's too busy trying to figure out who's going to be the next President of the United States. In case you haven't heard, she's the only one voting. Oh yeah, she also has to decide who's the winner of the next American Idol. And what you're going to have for dinner tonight. Yup, she decides that too.

This is going to come as a shock to absolutely no one! Denise Richards' reality caca show "I'm Constipated" has been sent to the glue factory. It's been rumored for a while now that the show was facing cancellation because the ratings were in the sewer. I guess not many people were into watching a hooker robot try and find a fuck buddy for her pet pig. "Pet pig" is not a code word for her vagina. Just clearing that up.

A source confirmed to The Insider (via NY Post), "The numbers started out pretty good - just over 1.5 million tuned in for the premiere episode. But the audience has dropped off. "

Denise can now spend her time stalking Charlie Sheen's new fetus.

I am going to miss Irv Richards. He's the pepaw I never had! I'm sure we'll meet again when Denise finds another way to whore out her family.

Garden gnome in a stripper bikini - Hollywood Tuna

The big-tittied frog is still trying to do the "country" thing (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Elsa Benitez is completely nekkid - Egotastic!

When does Wonky McValtrex not act like a fucking child? - Hollywood Rag

Jon Hamm is hot - Towleroad

Jennifer Aniston loves playing the victim - Lainey Gossip

A bunch of Hollywood skanks invade Hawaii together - Popsugar

Uma Thurman is skinny dipping with her billionaire boyfriend. I hate her. - IDLYITW

Nicole Kidman is holding a live baby!! - Just Jared

No more stupid hats! - Cityrag

I used a picture of Sister Bertrille, because she's one of my favorite nuns of all time. I mean, she can fly! What's better than that?

The Italian priest, who was putting together an online beauty contest for nuns, has temporarily called off the pageant Jesus probably told him to quit playing games and get to work.

Father Antonio Rungi told Reuters (via MSNBC), "My superiors were not happy. The local bishop was not happy, but they did not understand me either. It was not at all my intention to put nuns on the catwalk." His superiors probably grounded him by taking away his altar boys for a full week!

Father Tony (can I call him that?) insists the contest wasn't about outer beauty, but about inner beauty. He said, "We have to draw more attention to the world of nuns, who are often not sufficiently appreciated by society. Many monasteries in Italy are dying because of a lack of religious vocations."

Father Tony needs to put down the communion wine, because earlier he said he wanted to show the world that not all nuns are "old and dowdy."

He said he plans to do the beauty contest sometime in the near future. Well, I guess this means I should also postpone my plans for a wet thong contest for priests.

Thanks Vany

Sad news this afternoon. Dr. Dre's 20-year-old son passed away over the weekend. Andre Young Jr. was found by his mother Saturday morning at their home in Woodland Hills, CA.

Andre was out with his friends the night before and came home at around 5:30 in the morning. His mother called the paramedics when she couldn't wake him. They pronounced him dead at the scene.

An autopsy was performed yesterday in Los Angeles. Andre's cause of death is not known at this time.

Dr. Dre's rep confirmed the news to People: "Dr. Dre is mourning the loss of his son. Please respect his family's grief and privacy at this time." Sadness.

Rest in peace, Andre Young Jr.