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I used this picture of White Oprah with HoHan, because this whole Lohan feud just isn't the same without her. White Oprah brings her own special brand of attention whoreness to a situation. I hope she wakes up from her cokey coma soon and puts her skills to good use.

Michael Lohan already issued a statement shortly after his dad "literally died in his arms," trashing White Oprah. He issued ANOTHER paragraph of verbal caca to E!. He said:

"Lindsay did reach out to me. She sent me a message this morning. She said, 'Now papa has found peace and maybe we can find peace in our lives, too.' "

Only a few hours after Michael barfed out those words. HoHan took to her MySpace and responded:

the boy who cries wolf
Current mood: busy
Category: Life

just going to put it out there, i have had no contact with my father.
and i hope he uses this time to keep mourn the loss of his father, rather than taking the time to talk to the media about me or anyone in my life.
better he just keeps his mouth shut.

on another note-
im having fun on the set of Ugly Betty, the cast is great, the crew is great, and it's nice to be at work, doing what i love to do!

xoxox

There's something to be said about the fact that White Oprah is coming off as the least shady bitch in this whole drama. Something in the milk really ain't clean.

I'm beginning to think that this whole thing has been planned out. They're saving the best for last. White Oprah is going to appear in the grand finale where she will deliver the mother of all statements. The kind of statement that will make your eyes roll to the back of your head.

In the meantime, the eight ball is in your pocket, Michael Lohan.

Let the engagement rumors begin! Because we all know that if you're wearing a ring on your wedding finger, it means you're engaged and getting married any day now. Or it could mean that you were bored and wanted a little attention. Halle Berry wore this same ring back in May and her rep said it was just something she bought for herself. Blah...blah...blah...

Halle has been married twice before and said she would never marry again. Never say never. That's what I said when I first ate a funnel cake from IHOP. Never again! And the next time I was there, that's exactly what I ordered. We never learn our lesson. My bowels still get teary when they think about it.

If Halle is engaged to Hot Sperm Donor, she better get at least two prenups. You can't trust a man who has the ability to eff you balls deep with his eyes. Trust me. That's probably how Halle got knocked up in the first place. He just stared at her. Whenever I see a picture of him, I can't stare too long or I start to feel a rumble in the no-no area.

Who in Chris Hansen hell thought it was a cute for Shawn Johnson to say, "It makes my taco pop!" in a national commercial?! Shawn, needs to keep her taco to herself! They probably asked Nasty Nastia to do that commercial, but she knows very well that her taco doesn't pop. It coos.

And for the record, Ortega sauce makes my taco dry heave. Wait. Do I even have a taco? I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Too many innuendos make me dizzy.

VIA TMZ

The hottest coochie coochie in the business was out with her husband in Hollywood last night. They were walking around some parking lot. I think that's how a lot of old folks spend their time. They dance around in parking lots, talking to strangers.

Charo is legend and I would ride down the rainbows that come pouring out of her chocha, but why did she wear those shoes with that top?! The better question is: "Why do I give a donkey's dong?!"

And her husband is basically over it. He looks like he's ready for an oatmeal bath and a warm beer. Over it. He's thinking, "If I have to hear her say 'coochie coochie' one more fucking time...."

P.S. - Yes, it is a very slooooooooowwww day.

Woe is Saint Angelina. Not only does she have to rule the world, but she also has to raise her child army and keep up a house the size of Parasite Hilton's snatch. Even with the help of nannies, all that work has drained Angie Jo and she's been forced to seek medical attention. That's what Now Magazine (via entertainmentwise) claims anyway.

A source said, "She's in tears up to three times a day and so tired that Brad's found her collapsed asleep in the bath twice. She's been working around the clock, breast-feeding the babies and trying to get them to sleep. But as soon as one of them drops off, the other wakes up for another feed. She's also not eating very much right now and blames that on being busy. The doctor says that she needs more calories to gain strength and ensure that her breast milk is healthy."

I find this hard to believe. First of all, the twin chosen ones already make every meal for their family. I mean, they are Le Cordon Bleu trained gourmet chefs after all. Second of all, Maddox doesn't need to be taken care of and he pretty much rules Zahara and Pax. Third of all, Shiloh lives in an ivory tower in a land far, far away, so she's not even a problem.

And she collapsed in the bath, because she accidentally caught a glimpse of her holy image in the mirror and passed out.

What did John Lithgow wear to rehearsal today? You know, he is the star of that play Stepford Katie is in. I've been posting pictures of her tattered robot ass every day, so I thought I'd give John a bit of attention. He sort of looks like Santey Claus on summer vacation in Florida. He's so cheery! I bet John always has peppermint sticks on him and giggles like an Elmo doll when you poke his belly.

And because I have to, here's some pictures of the weepy robot shuffling into rehearsal wearing Tommy Girl's Sunday afternoon dustin' dress!

Gay face alert! It's the dudes from the new "90210" - Boy Culture

Sir Ben Kingsley kissing an evil troll (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Blake Lively forgot to wear pants - Hollywood Tuna

Mena Suvari is naked and looking like a hood rat - Egotastic!

Wives, hold on to your husbands. Sienna Miller might be single - Lainey Gossip

Jessica Biel is totally carrying a Timberbaby. Gross - Just Jared

Another "Fast and the Furious" movie?! - Towleroad

Nasty tattoos on a bunch of nasty ass skanks - Cityrag

Jack Black and Jessica Simpson should get together - Hollywood Rag

The American Kath & Kim still looks terrible - Popsugar

We already know that the Empress of Lucite can float on sand, bring flowers back to life and cause angels to faint, but did you know that she's also a phenomenal actress? A true thespian. Above is a clip from her STARRING role on "Renegade" in the late 90s. The clip starts out as a brokedown porn movie, but it all changes when the luscious and elegant Shauna Sand comes on the screen. It's like Bette Davis has come back to life in the form of the most gorgeous woman in the world. The starts out as something out of a dime store Skinemax flick. It quickly changes to a scene from "Now, Voyager." The emotion! The layers!

It's obvious why Shauna isn't one of the most celebrated actress of our times. Actors and actress who are made of hate don't want to share the stage or screen with someone that will make them look like acting school drop-outs. It's really a curse being Shauna Sand.

Here's the always ravishing Shauna wearing her exquisite lucite heels while feeding the children in some third-world country last night.

The angel pussy from China is not going to be happy that Posh Beckham jacked its signature look! Posh is going to an angry e-mail that says: "meow, meow, CUNT, meow, meow." Yes, pussies only know how to type the words "meow" and "cunt." Angel Pussy is going to fly over to England and scratch her eyes out.

Posh wore this angel pussy outfit while whoring out her fashion line in Manchester. Later that night, Posh left a restaurant with a bunch caca in her ear. Hopefully, she saved that ear junk for later. It would make a nutritious snack and bitch needs all the protein she can get. Although, it's probably just fake tan diarrhea. Bitch, fix yourself!

Vadge cannot be bothered with petty shit like putting on clothes while going through airport security. She's Vadge! She can do whatever the hell she wants.

Yesterday, at an airport in German, Vadge breezed through the metal detector wearing a "Dancing Queen" robe, clip-on bangs and sneakers. At least she kept her memaw crotch covered.

If one of us wore this shit, airport security would tackle us to the ground, spread our cheeks and check our no-no holes for anything illegal. Wait. I'm wearing a bathrobe the next time I go to the airport.

And I'm surprised Vadge's powerful vagina didn't set off the metal detector. It is made out of titanium.