Archives

First things first, that man in the left corner is watching you! He sees you, so you better not do anything shifty. Okay, we've all been warned.

Halle Berry never whored out her baby on the cover of any magazines. Imagine that! A celebrity not making a quick buck off their kid. She also didn't release any pictures of Lion King Baby aka Nahla Ariela, so this is the first time I've really seen her. You know how I feel about BABIES!!! They give me the shakes, because I know they are soon going to be our world leaders. But Nahla is pretty adorable. Her eyes are like two little stars sparkling in the ocean's reflection. I can't believe I just wrote that sentence. No, I'm not high.

Here's Halle, Baby Nahla, a bodyguard-type person and Mia Michaels at the L.A. Zoo today. No! That's not Mia Michaels. It's Halle's mother. I seriously thought for a minute that Halle's mommy was everyone's favorite deep-thinking gayelle dance choreographer. I thought to myself, "Damn. Halle is going the gayelle way. I mean, it is the way to go."

The organizers of the Rock En Seine in Paris booked the infamous Crackie of Camden for their festival and seemed to think she was going to show up. HA! Cue the cackle track. Well, Amy Wino cancelled two hours before she was supposed to take the stage and shake her heroin maker for the crowd. Hey, at least she called!

The event's organizers are fucking pissed and threatening to sue her ass. They issued this statement: "We were told by Winehouse's agent at 8pm that she would not be there, and we were forced to cancel the performance. We have still not been given any explanation of the exact reasons for her absence."

Wino's spokeswhore told the Daily Mail that she was too sick to perform. "Amy Winehouse is currently at home recovering. The illness is nothing serious, nothing that some time in bed and not singing won't cure."

Yeah, I'm sure she just had a bad case of crackiellitis. Screaming "Blaaaaaaake" all the time in between puffs can really fuck up a beautiful hummingbird's voice.

Chad Johnson, wide receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals, has legally changed his last name to Chad Javon Ocho Cinco. Chad gave himself the nickname of "Ocho Cinco" two years ago in honor of Hispanic Heritage Month. 85 is also his number. Ocho Cinco means 8-5 in Spanish. Duh.

Not everyone is down with the name Ochoc Cinco. One time before a game, Chad put his nickname on the back of his uniform. The team's quarterback tore that shit down. Damn. What did Chat put it on with? Elmer's? The team's coach has also referred to Chad as “Ocho Psycho."

When asked about why he legally changed his name, Ocho said, “It’s something I don’t think anyone has ever done before. Have I ever had a reason for why I do what I do? I’m having fun.”

I'm sure the numbers 8-5 mean a lot more to Ocho than we think. 8 is his IQ. 5-inches is the size of his dick fully erect. 85 is also the number of times he was dropped on his head as a child. See!

Although, I shouldn't hate on Ocho. Chad Ocho Cinco sounds much sexier than Chad Johnson. I should change my name to Michael Seis Nueve. It has a nice ring to it. Is the official name changing office open on Saturdays?

Source

Thanks Isabelle

Last night, Spaghetti Cat returned to the place that made him an Internet superstar sensation, "The Soup." Okay, it wasn't the actual Spaghetti Cat. It was some stuffed animal with beady marble eyes, but if you hug yourself hard enough while watching the clip, you will believe it's the real Spaghetti Cat.

I am so obsessed with Spaghetti Cat that I tried to get my dumb bitch of a dog to eat with a fork, but he bit my hand instead. He doesn't have the skills (or Ketamine) that Spaghetti Cat has!

Spaghetti Cat still doesn't get enough attention! He should host the presidential debate! Naw. Maybe that's not such a good idea. Dubya would probably show up to try and kiss Spaghetti Cat and steal some of his noodles. Only Joel McHale can kiss Spaghetti Cat.

Spaghetti Cat will dance on a plate of naked spaghetti noodles in my dreams tonight.

I've always wondered why musicians sweat so much. I mean, all they have to do is sing. What did the Deppster do, douche himself with baby oil before he came out? He looks like somebody grabbed his ass by the ankles and gave him a swirly in the toilet.

And while we're on the subject of crappy garage bands, we must have gone back in time. It feels like the grimy 90's all over again. I thought grunge went out when Kurt punched his time card early. Should Johnny have to keep looking over his shoulder for Courtney Love lurking in the shadows waiting to plunge a syringe in his forearm?

Here's Johnny's old high school rock band The Kids at a benefit concert in Pompano Beach, Florida last night.

That's being said, I'd hit that shit and slip 'n slide all around his Crisco covered chest. No lube required! And I'd suck up the rest of his greasy sweat with my no-no hole. Dyson ain't got shit on me.

This is probably the most amazing thing I've seen all morning. Yes, I've only been up for an hour, but still!

An amazing person (who should win every award given to man) at ONTD put together an extensive collection of photographic evidence proving why Christian Bale and Kermit the Frog are long-lost twin brothers.

Don't fucking hesitate. Smoke a bowl and click here to being your journey. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll feel things you have never felt before! It's truly fucking wondrous.

Thanks to ferdalump at ONTD

Chad Rogers from the Bravo reality show "Million Dollar Listing" - This month, I've gotten more "Hot Slut" requests for Chad than for any other whore! It must be the hair. Chad is like a robot douche in a discount Beatles wig. He's the only reason why I watch this show. He speaks to people like he's in an infomercial. I am definitely on "Team Chad." Visit Chad's blog to see a shit load of clips of him and his hair.

Chad has apparently gotten rid of his bowl cut! Noooooo! In the last picture below, Chad is wearing a new haircut. Bring back the bowl!

Andy Roddick (26)
Lisa Ling (35)
Cameron Diaz (36)
Frederique Van Der Wal (41)
Michael Michele (42)
Michael Chiklis (45)
Paul Oakenfold (45)
David Paymer (54)
Peggy Lipton (61)
Elizabeth Ashley (60)
Kitty Wells (89)