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White Oprah has already responded to Anderson Cooper's comments about 45-year-old Ali Lohan on "Regis & Kelly" this morning.

Mah Boo Andy spoke the truth when he said, "Allegedly a 14-year-old girl, looks to be about 60... I say that with concern and love. She allegedly wants to be a singer and or actor-slash-performer of some sort, striptease person, I don't know." Striptease person! That sounds so respectable. I'm going to tell all my stripper friends to refer to themselves as a "striptease person."

I couldn't wait to read one of White Oprah's epic statements in response to the Silver Fox. Seriously, I was expecting her to call him a "stupid nancy boy meanie" or something! But this is all she said to OK! Magazine, "People are just cruel! This is bad karma for him."

Huh? Karma? The best she could do is pull a Sharon Stone? Did White Oprah knock her head on the coke plate or something? This is not like her. Hopefully, this is just a tiny preview on what's to come tomorrow.

And what's cruel is the fact that she's whoring out her "allegedly 14-year-old" no talent daughter.

I don't even know if this is Photoshop. It looks more like a cut and paste job. And they didn't use a computer. They literally cut out a picture of Rachel Green's head and used Elmer's to paste it over the model's body. Her head is the size of one of her knees. This is high art.

A Dlisted reader found Jennifer Aniston's "flaring panty-hose" at a store in Germany. They really should have went with HoHan's head instead. I mean, "flaring" panty hose? Duh.

Since we're on the subject of Jenny Aniston, here she is sans "flaring panty-hose" doing old-maidey stuff in Los Angeles today.

Wonky McValtrex has responded to John McCain for featuring her skanky ass in one of his ads. The video response from Funny or Die would be hilarious if it was anybody but Wonky!

The writing is funny, the useless skank delivering those lines is not. It was hard to pay attention to what she was saying because I kept thinking, "Damn, bitch! Your eye is so fucking wonky! Get that shit checked." And then I thought about how much I want to push her ass into that pool. Grrr. She makes me want to spit in the eye of a baby bird and then hug it until it bites me. She makes me so mad.

Those bitches taking picturs of SamRo and HoHan are so hot. It's like they are the zoo and SamRo and HoHan are a couple of lezzie baboons. They're not even trying to hide the fact that they're taking pictures of them up close. I don't think they've ever seen hipster gayelles up close like that. Just don't feed the gayelles! They eat enough of each other.

These two have taken their lezzie act on the road again. This time they're spreading the gayelle cheer in Miami. And by "cheer" I mean fleas. Lesbian fleas.

Here's more of the hipster gayelles smoking fags in Miami. Speaking of smoking fags. I have a question for all the whores out there. That means it's time for the children and the Christians to leave the room. Okay, whenever a dude smokes a lot, his jizz usually tastes and smells like a fucking ashtray. Is it the same for chicks who smoke? Like does their lady juices taste like ciggie ash? Inquiring whores want to know. I want to know.

Lisa Marie Presley and her jaunty husband, Michael Lockwood, have confirmed that they are having twins. It was rumored a few months ago that she had two babies hanging out in there. It makes sense since she's about the size of Graceland.

Priscilla told ET, "She wanted it really to be kept a secret for a long time, you know, and I think women should, because they should be able to announce what they're having and when it's time to make the announcement." I'm surprised Priscilla can still move her face, let alone talk. She probably wrote down her statement, because there's no way that woman can move her mouth without the help for a crane.

Lisa Marie's daddy, Elvis, was a twin. Priscilla's younger brothers are also twins.

MORE TWINS! Saint Angie, JLo, Julia Roberts, Marcia Cross, Becky Romjin Lettuce and Nancy Grace all had twins. IVF is in the Hollywood water.

42-year-old Reginald Peterson of Jacksonville, FL had an extremely valid reason for calling 911. He called them because the dumb bitches at Subway got his sandwich wrong! Finally! Someone has stood up and done something about the injustice that's going on at Subway!

He told police that his sammy "did not include 'everything' as he had requested." He told the police that they "could have his sandwich made to his specifications."

Reginald claimed the sauce in his Spicy Italian sandwich was left out. He called 911 twice. Once to complain about the sandwich, and a second time to complain about the officers taking so long. This man is amazing.

The whores at Subway told police that he flipped out and started screaming at everyone because they couldn't get his sammy right. They locked him out of the store after he went to call 911.

When the police got there, they tried to calm him down, but that didn't really work out. He just wanted his damn sauce! Reginald was arrested on a misdemeanor charge of placing false 911 calls.

I don't blame him. I'd be pissed off too if I got an Italian foot-long without the sauce. Although, I'm not talking about a sandwich.

Seriously, it's not completely his fault. The little voices in his head kept telling him that he deserved the damn sauce!

Source

Thanks Lex

Anderson Cooper filled in for Regis on "Regis & Kelly" this morning and the conversation turned to the Long Island trainwreck known as "Living Lohan."

Andy must have thought he was having cosmos with the girls, because he said, “Ali Lohan is supposed to be 14 but really she’s more like 60." What a bitch! Andy can slap me on the ass and call me 60 any day.

And do you hear that? It's the sound of White Oprah busting out of her third spray tanning session of the day and running to her computer. She's going to put those Lee Press-Ons to fucking work. Andy better shut down his inbox, because here comes one of White Oprah's long ass statements and you know that bitch asks for a return receipt.

White Oprah doesn't know who she's messing with. If that bitch fucks with MAH BOO, I will rip off Ali's annoying choker and use it to whip the bullshit out of White Oprah.

UPDATE: Here's the video of Anderson ripping into "Living Lohan." We truly need to become best girlfriends.

VIA Lainey Gossip

Thanks Debra

Jeff Lewis' main bitch for the win! Jenni Pulos beat out Tempest Storm, Irv Richards and Marilyn to win July's Hot Slut of the Month! Thanks to all you whores who voted and NO THANKS to the bitches who didn't.

It just so happens that tonight is the season finale of "Flipping Out." This show better come back for a third season or I'll fuck up Jeff's coffee order and you know how feels about that.

My TV has been on the fritz, so I haven't been able to get in my 3-4 hours of reality TV. I've been forced to read a book at night. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS FUCKERY? Me reading a damn book? Don't imagine that. It's not something your brain needs to process right now. Hopefully my shit is working tonight or else I just might have to come over one of your houses and you don't want that. I will fuck up your toilet. It's Taco Bell night.

DAMN! How the hell is Gwen Stefani standing up? - Popsugar

Mary Louise Parker, I see your chichis! - Egotastic!

Little boy terrified by Emmy Rossum and rightfully so - Just Jared

Dominic Cooper is wet - Towleroad

ScarJo covers up the goods - Hollywood Tuna

Chad Michael Murray has "date rape face" - Lainey Gossip

Dunk ass celebrities - Cityrag

Tila Tequila shows off her ladyboy ass (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Keep the children away from Miley Cyrus - Hollywood Rag

Rage Against The Machine crushes Lollapalooza - IDLYITW

YES! Stepford Katie's reminder to us all that we dressed like a bunch of foolios in the late 80s is back! Although, this bitch really needs to spend more time on her cuff. That shit is an art form. I would even staple that shit down.

She also needs to get herself a Hypercolor t-shirt, because the top does not match the bottom. The top is totally Ann Taylor Loft and the bottom is Guess Jeans circa 1989.

And Tommy Girl got his lil' robot a haircut. She's thisclose to looking exactly like him. The only thing she's missing is his moobs, his jumbo Chiclet teeth and about 2 feet off of her height. Transformation almost complete!