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And we're off! Michael Lohan, being the publicity hungry attention whore that he is, has issued his own statement to Access Hollywood regarding Anderson Cooper's comments about Ali Lohan looking like a 60-year-old. Click here to get the whole run down if you have no idea what's going on. Well, have a drink and an Oreo first.

Michael removed his head out of his loosey goosey ass (he was in prison) long enought to say, “I think Anderson Cooper is an opinionated, hypocritical idiot who should be an adult and keep his opinion to himself. He is the last person to judge anyone, when he and his own family have their own issues.” Don't worry his head went right back in after he issued this statement.

Let's see, White Oprah whores out her family on reality television and we're not allowed to have opinions about it? Michael needs to wipe the coke from the mirror and take a good look. He's probably creaming in his dad jeans at all the attention his family is getting over this shit.

Will Anderson Cooper please enlighten us with more of his bitchy words of wisdom? I await his guidance.

P.S. - Am I the only one that secretly wants to see Andy and Michael Lohan make out? Ugh. I feel so dirty and dark-sided. I need a cold shower.

It's the pastor's wife versus the flight attendant with roids! Opening arguments are set to begin tomorrow in a lawsuit against Victoria Osteen, wife of toothy mega pastor Joel Osteen. A flight attendant who goes by the name of Sharon Brown, claims in a civil lawsuit that Victoria assaulted her ass on a flight to Vail, CO in 2005.

Sharon said that before the flight began Victoria flipped out over a stain on her first-class seat. Victoria became so angry that she threw Sharon up against a bathroom door and elbowed her in the left tittay. That fight sounds kind of sexy, but then I look up at that picture of Victoria and it just kills the moment.

Sharon claims the incident affected her faith, caused her anxiety and even gave her hemorrhoids. Naturally.

She wants an apology from Victoria as well as punitive damages amounting to 10 percent of her net worth. So that means Sharon wants like trillions of dollars? Aren't the Osteens richer than God?!

Victoria was already fined $3,000 by the FAA for fucking with a crew member.

Why don't I ever get this kind of hot lawsuit when I go in for jury duty?! Seriously! Obviously, this is crazy bitch against crazy bitch. Which one is crazier? I'm gonna go with Sharon. Now if Victoria elbowed her in the right tittay instead, I would completely understand.

Joel Osteen is also expected to take the stand. He's going to smile the whole way through. I want to see him say "hemorrhoids" with a smile.

And I think I've got a little hot tickle in my asshole just from looking at Victoria's picture. The bitch does give you roids! There goes my social life for the week. Preparation H should hire her ass!

Source: HuffPo

Catherine Keener and Benicio Del Toro are licking each other's no-no holes on the down low, so says OK! Magazine (via SP). Some ho watched the two act all couple-like will eating at the Green Door in Los Angeles last week.

The witness said, "He whispered into her ear, and she listened with rapt attention. He brushed his hand on her back. They had nice chemistry." Rapt? Did Edgar Allan Poe rise from the dead to witness this shit?

I mean, if the word "rapt" is involved, they are obviously fucking. The last person I listened to "with rapt attention" ended up giving me a sorry case of crabs.

These two may seem a bit odd together, but they make sense to me. Isn't Catherine best girlfriends with Brad Pitt? And Benicio sort of looks like Brad Pitt. If you take a shot of whiskey, squint your eyes, turn your head upside down, and play with yourself at the same time - he will look like Brad.

Shia LaDouche may lose his pinky! The pinky is my favorite finger, so I'm sad to hear about this. His pinky looks fine in the picture, but maybe it's sad on the inside. Weepy pinky.

A source on the set of the next "Transformers" movie told Star Magazine that Shia told the producers his doctors may have to cut off his left pinky due to the injuries he suffered from his drunken car accident last month.

The source also said, "It's really thrown the movie into turmoil." Why? Did they plan up-close shots of his left pinky?

That totally sucks for him. The pinky is a wonderful finger. It's also the gayest finger, which makes it the fanciest finger, which makes it the best. He'll have to drink tea with his right hand. He'll have to pinky swear with his right hand too. And it's one of the skinniest things on our body. Whenever you feel fat, just look at one of your pinkies. I love my pinkies.

Image: INFDaily.com

Here's Josh Holloway from "Lost" with fakey tattoos on the set of some movie yesterday. No, it's not "The KFed Story." He's doing some shit called "Stay Cool" with Winona Ryder. He better get an extra-secure safe for his trailer.

I don't care if that ponytail was sticking out of his asshole, I'd still hit it. I'd hit it in the back, in the front, to the side, diagonal, upside down, topsy turvy, it doesn't matter! I'd let that bitch go balls deep, balls in, whatever it takes. He could call me "Peaches" if he wanted to. Fuck, he could call me "Tina" too. Anything.

He could even bend you over the dining table, hit it from the back, and dust off your chandelier with that little ponytail. Two birds....

Yes, this is my ten millionth Katie Holmes post of the week and it's only Wednesday. I can't help that I'm obsessed with her jeans. Blame her. Stepford Katie looks so sad-like today. She should click her ruby slippers and pray to be taken back to her "Dawson's Creek" days. I'll even settle for her "First Daughter" days.

I think she finally listened to all of you, because she didn't roll her jeans this afternoon. That doesn't bother me. What's bothering me is that she doesn't have any other jeans. Can't she ask Tommy Girl if she can borrow $20 from his lube fund to buy a new pair at the Goodwill. I hope she's at least sticking those jeans in the freezer when she gets home.

The title of this post should really be "There's no place like homo." I'm sure Katie is thinking of Tommy Girl. She's always thinkingof him. He's programmed her that way.

The Silver Fox has once again taken out his claws and sunk them into White Oprah. It's going to take weeeeks to get the grease out of his claws. As you know, Anderson Cooper basically called Ali Lohan an alleged 14-year-old who wants to be a striptease person on "Regis & Kelly" yesterday morning.

White Oprah responded with, "People are just cruel! This is bad karma for him." Seriously, that's all she said. I feel totally ripped off.

Well, Andy has kept the fun and games going. Last night, he responded to her response. He said that White Oprah probably didn't see his comment live "because she was out clubbing and it's on early in the morning. So she was probably just rollin' home." He went on to say that he "feels bad" for Ali Lohan, but that she shouldn't be in a shitty reality show.

I just want to be put on a rubber suit and go silver diving into Andy's pubic bush. I especially love it when he giggles like a Tickle Me Elmo doll.

This is White Oprah's second chance to really come back with the statement of all statements! Or they can settle it the way I always like to settle things: CAGE FIGHT! White Oprah already comes oiled up. And I'm sure Andy already has the outfit.

VIA ONTD

This post is for the three of you out there that actually watched "The Next Food Network Star." Aaron McCargo Jr. already won that shit. He beat out Adam Gertler and my personal favorite, Lisa Garza. Well, get this shit! The Food Network has also given Adam is own show. Fuck me with a crooked pork chop, because this isn't right! Lisa is the true star. Nobody can squint their eyes like she can. And nobody can rock white anal beads the way she can! She also reminds me of Suri Cruise in 40 years.

Anyway, TVSquad reports that Adam's caca fiesta called "Will Work for Food" will debut on September 30th. One of the HBIC of the Food Network said, "He earned millions of fans across the country, who have let us know that we have a second star in our midst. We feel this series is a perfect fit for his talents, letting him showcase his brand of humor while he works for food."

Please, head whores of the Food Network! Hear my plea! Give that Star Trek-looking bitch her own show! The clip below can be her opening. "Welcome my friends to my beautifully basic buffeeeeeeet"

Thanks Ted in LA

The Empress of Lucite has made the cover of The National Enquirer's "Most Elegant Women on the Planet" cover. Yes, I know it's about plastic surgery nightmares, but they didn't mean that! They couldn't have. Shauna Sand is perfection personified. That picture was obviously doctored by some evil hater of all things elegant. Shauna's stomach is not capable of looking like that. I'm sure she's tried, because she's sick of being so fucking gorgeous and she wants to fit in with the normal people of the world. I'm telling you. Natural beauty like Shauna's is a curse. The Enquirer didn't even show off her best feature - her exquisite lucite heels! WTF?!

Click here to see other pictures of Shauna in a bikini from that same set. I mean, all you see is perfection? Right? RIGHT?! May you choke on that Baby Ruth you're scarfing down if you didn't answer HELL YES to my question.

Somebody needs to put Shauna in touch with Phoebe Price. PP has been through this before. Do you remember cellugate? Chicken Cutlets will put Shauna in touch with the right "legal management team." She will also get Shauna to deny the claims by going on every TV show from "The Insider" to "QVC's Quaker Factory." The Empress of Lucite's good name must be cleared!

P.S. - Did Phyllis Diller's face finally fall off or is that bacon?

Image VIA Cover Awards

Umm.....who is this? Because it isn't Beyonce - IDLYITW

Thomas Jane is "Hung" - Towleroad

Heidi Klum forgot to wear a bikini top - Egotastic!

So did Cindy Crawford - Hollywood Tuna

The Covergirl Princess shows off his guns - Just Jared

Eva LongWHORIA loves being frumpy - Hollywood Rag

Kim KardASSIAN, high-waisted pants are not your friend (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Happy Belated Birthday to Maddox! - Lainey Gossip

Babies hate Parasite Hilton - Cityrag

Ryan Phillipe should quit the acting thing and just walk around topless all day - Popsugar