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Yes, I know Irv Richards is wearing his celly on his waistband. He's the only one allowed. He needs his hands free at all times to slap Denise Richards in the mouth if need be.

Irv has become the breakout star of Denise Richards' reality show "I'm Constipated." That's why they should give him his own show since Denise's show is facing cancellation. Star Magazine claims that the show will probably not see a second season due to shitty numbers.

A source said, "The numbers started out pretty good -- just over 1.5 million tuned into the premiere episode. But the audience has dropped off. Denise has turned into an unappealing reality star." This is Denise Richards we're talking about. She's about as pleasant as a salad tossing from a cactus.

The source went on to say that viewers complained when Denise used the "cunt" word. "Viewers were disgusted that a mother of two young girls would use such foul language." That's funny, because that's when I got on the Denise slutwagon. She brought the word "cunt" back into my life. I try and use it as much as possible now. I don't even know my dog's anymore. I just say, "Come here, Cunt." I'm joking! Put down the phone to Peta. You know how they are.

Rumer Willis rolled out of bed and took the sheets with her to shop in NYC yesterday. That curtain crap she's wearing is not flattering. Whatever that pillow case bullshit is, she needs to button it up! I can see her "squirrel covers," as Harry Connick Jr. in "Copycat" would say.

Tater Head is in my fair hamlet to promote that "House Bunny" movie she's in. Beverly D'Angelo is in that shit show, so it's a must see.

Since we're on the subject of Tater Head, a while ago someone e-mailed me a video with the subject "Rumer?" in it. I opened it and nearly swallowed my tongue whole. And I thought I had the heart of Satan. The video is extremely NSLF! Click here if you choose to watch it and if you do, stay until at least the 10 second mark. I know I'll be punished for this.

Yesterday's Hot Slut of the Day, Bernann McKinney, might be crazier than we thought! Bernann has been in the spotlight for paying Korean scientists $50,000 to clone her dead dog Booger. Because she's been on TV and shit, some people thought she looked almost exactly like a former Miss Wyoming who was involved in a bizarre sex scandal 30 years ago.

Could the crazy dog lady actually be Joyce McKinney, a woman accused of kidnapping and raping a Mormon man back in 1978?

Visit the Daily Mail to read the entire scandal known as "Mormon Sex Slave Case." It's a fucking long story. I'll sum it up for you the best I can.

Basically, Joyce was accused of kidnapping and raping Kirk Anderson, a Mormon missionary, who she had a brief relationship with in the US. After their affair, Anderson escaped to England to get away from her crazy ass. Joyce and a friend named Keith May tracked him down in Surrey. They kidnapped him and then chained him to a bed using mink-cuffs. Joyce tried to get Anderson to agree to marry her, but he kept turning her ass down. That's when she put on romantic music and forced him to do sex with her. This happened 3 times. Anderson finally agreed to marry her. When she loosened the cuffs, he escaped. Joyce and May were arrested.

It gets crazier! Joyce spent three months in prison. She was released on bail due to the fact that she's a crazy bitch and her mental health was failing. Joyce and May used fake passports to flee to Canada. They disguised themselves as deaf mute mimes. At this point, the story was a worldwide sensation. The press found Joyce disguised as a nun in Atlanta. She decided to cash in on her fame by posing topless in men's magazines. The authorities finally arrested her ass, but she was later released on bail.

She spent the next 5 years consumed in a world of drugs and prostitution. In 1984, she was arrested AGAIN after cops found her at the Salt Lake City Airport where Anderson worked. They found rope and handcuffs in her car. She never showed up to court and the case was dropped.

In the 1990s, Joyce was living in North Carolina. She had another run in with the law when she broke into a dog pound to rescue a dog. She really hasn't been heard from since.

FUCK! I need two cocktails and a colonic after reading and writing that shit! Damn!

So....is Bernann McKinney really Joyce McKinney? Bernann denies that she is. When asked about it, she said, "That's garbage, that's rot!"

She totally is Joyce! I mean, the woman cloned her dead dog!!!! Crazy has been running through her veins for years. Below is a picture of Joyce McKinney. I mean, they do look the same.

And now I need a cigarette even though I don't smoke.

HoHan's main partner in pussy, SamRo, turns 31 today! I'm sure she'll celebrate by blowing the flames out of HoHan's firecrotch. Eating cooze works for her, because the girl looks younger than HoHan. Although, that's not saying much.

I thought she should celebrate this important gayelle day by looking at a couple of pictures from SamRo's senior high school yearbook sent in to me by a reader. SamRo went to a fancy all-girls joint called The Chapin School in NYC. Above is SamRo's senior stats. We never had that shit! We only had our names and they usually fucked mine up. Here's what it all means:

Name: Samantha Ronson
Dream: Jack
Reality: Whack
Best Kept Secret: Natural blonde
Male Equivalent: Puck
Quotable Quote/Trademark: Out of uniform
Starring in the Remake of: Rebel without a Cause
Usually Found: ?
You in 20 Years: Famous

Fascinating, isn't it? And please don't tell me she's talking about Puck from the Real World: San Francisco?! Puck used to eat his own scabs! Okay, that makes sense. And it's so cliche of her to want to star in remake of Rebel without a Cause! She'll play Jim Stark of course. HoHan is way too haggard-looking to play Judy. She can play Mrs. Stark.

Here's also a page from SamRo's yearbook featuring her in a skirt! You know she totally wore shorts underneath there. And of course a picture from her basketball team. Figures. I also threw in some pictures of my favorite hipster gayelles in Los Angeles yesterday. E! reports that they recently got matching black heart tattoos on their hands. Awwww.....it is love and it's smart. I'd rather have a black heart on my body than some bitch's name. In fact, I'm going to get a black heart tatoo on my sleeve.

It's that time again. Time for me to comment on Katie Holmes' jeans and time for you to shout at your computer "JUST FUCKING STOP!" I'm not the only one who gives an eff, though! Reader sluts send me updates on how Katie is wearing her jeans today. Her jeans are becoming more famous than she is. They totally have their own MySpace page, I know it.

It looks like Katie decided to stop making the "tight-rolled" thing happen. But she's still wearing the same tired Bugle Boy jeans! Katie's stylist, Jeanne Yang, confirmed to UsWeekly that she IS wearing Tommy Girl's Prps jeans. Those fugly jeans belong to Tommy?! Lie-telling! How is this fucking possible? They don't look like they came from the big boy's department. If they were Tommy's jeans, she wouldn't have to roll them. Fuck, they would look like shorts on her.

Oh Tommy Girl, I know you want the world to think you're a big kid now. That's sweet.

Here's Stepford Katie going to rehearsal today. And those sneakers look like they came directly from the Scientology gift shop. They're so culty-looking.

It's always strange to me when I have to black out a nipple on my main picture. I know I have to do it, because most bosses would frown upon seeing a breast hanging out of a chick's shirt.

I hardly black nips out on thumbnails (e-mail me if that's ever a problem), because you can't really see anything unless you pull a Renee Zellweger. It's not like Lily Allen's nipple is fucking a raw asshole on a burning cross. I mean, they're just nipples! Most of us have them. Although, mine have been looking a bit wonky lately. A bit chewed up and spit out. Literally. They need a good ice soak. But that's not the point! Nipples are harmless. Talk to your boss about that and tell me what he says.

And here's some pictures of Lily's breast with an exposed nipple on it. The thing was popping out all day. That's what happens when you don't wear a bra. She also cleaned up her pepaw's front yard earlier in the day. Yes, it's a slow gossip day.......

Meet Miss Crustacean 2008! I think she was representing the State of Paris Hilton's Snatch - Best Week Ever

It's the right thing to do: LaDouche is off to the tank! - Hollywood Rag

Maddox spent his birthday go karting with Brad - Is that a cockatoo on his head? - Popsugar

Robert Downey Jr. on Rolling Stone - Lainey Gossip

Hermione Granger is in a bikini! - Egotastic!

Praise Cheesus! Brit Brit is wearing a bra (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Cupcakes in ice cream cones. What a beautiful thing - Cityrag

Kanye West: "Say no to the f-word" - Towleroad

Why is Kim Kardassian hiding the one thing she's famous for? - Hollywood Tuna

Posh doesn't realize that babies can also exit out of her vagina - IDLYITW

Keanu Reeves actually looks kind of clean. I said "kind of" - Just Jared

Eva LongWHORIA revealed her true fugliness on the set of "Desperate Housewives" yesterday. Bitch has "throw-up face." I'm not sure if she's knocked up or if it's fake padding to make her character look chunkier. All I know is that I love seeing that bitch like this! She looks even more like a mole person without all that make-up and Paves' pony hair.

Hold up! This skeezer is totally going to get an Emmy for pulling a Charlize Theron, right? Fuck!

Joss "fucks for tracks" Stone pissed off her entire family when she showed up 30-minutes late to the baptism of her half-brother's one-year-old son. They were waiting for her ass, because she was supposed to be the godmother.

She angered her family even more when she refused to read the church order of service and called them "old biddies" when they called her out on it. She's so proper. I probably would have called them "a bunch of memaw cunts."

Things turned violent when her half-brother, Daniel, started getting on her case. A witness to this amazing event said, "She was absolutely furious and they had a full-blown argument. They were screaming at each other and the next thing, Joss headbutted him. Other family members ran over to break it up and she stormed off. It turned from a nice family affair into a brawl between Joss and her brother. No one could believe it."

Headbutted him?! Bitch is no joke. It was sort of smart of her to headbutt him. She didn't want to ruin her nails. A swift kick to the corn nuts would've been better, but to each his own.

There's really nothing like a good old-fashioned family brawl. I wish my baptism was like this. The most exciting thing that happened at my baptism was when I pissed myself during the mass. And no, my baptism was not last week! I know what you were thinking! I take pills for that now.

Source

TMZ reports that the Empress of Lucite is officially without her emperor. Her divorce from that Romain Chavent dude was made final on Monday. REJOICE! My peen lips are singing Hallelujah!!

Being a gayelle is a major trend in Hollywood right now. That's why I may have a chance with the most gorgeous creature in all the land. We'll be like the new SamRo and HoHan with triple the elegance! I would even lick Shauna Sand's precious pearl. I'm sure it tastes like fresh strawberries dipped in French champagne, and my tongue would turn into a diamond on contact.

I adore her so much that I would do sexy times with her exquisite lucite heels. WELL! Her exquisite lucite heels are iconic! It would be my doody (typo and it stays).