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Some bitches will seriously fuck anything. This dude is one of them. A 41-year-old man was hanging out in Hong Kong's LanTian Park in the middle of the night when he got the urge to get sexy with a steel bench. I don't know why? That bench is tore up. It's used and abused. I could see if it was a sexy bench.

Anyway, the dude stuck his little peen into one of the bench's hole and started hitting it from the back. I hope he at least kissed the bench. Romanced it a little. As he started getting into that shit, his little peen started to grow, and well, it got stuck. Damn! That bench has a tight coochie for being such a dirty slut.

He started freaking out, so he used his cell to call the police. After the police arrived and probably shit themselves from laughing so hard, doctors showed up to try and get his dick out. They couldn't, so they cut the bench free and they all went back to the hospital for COCKtails. 4 hours later, the doctors were able to get his dick out. They said if it would have been stuck for an hour longer, they would've had to pull a Lorena Bobbitt on that shit.

I don't know what's more embarrassing. The fact that this dude did fuckey fuckey times with a bench, or the fact that his dick was able to fit in one of those little holes. Dude needs to call it a day. And that bench needs to stop being such a skank!

Source

Thanks Lolo

International supermodel and chanteuse Phoebe Price is here to serenade you into the weekend with her thrilling and emotional rendition of Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl." PP has changed the lyrics as a touching homage to her dog Henry. Chicken Cutlets singing "poo poo chocolate" is now my ringtone. Enjoy!

And Levi's probably already hitting the bong too. I mean, look how fucking baked his daddy is in the picture above. Matthew McConaughey looks mega stoned in all of these pictures! It looks like he's sweating bong water.

He basically confirmed he was operating on smoke when he explained why they brought Levi Strauss out, "Levi was gonna stay home, but then he said, 'Dad, mom, I wanna go support mom's purses!'" He's not joking either. He really heard Levi say that. Actually, Matthew probably heard his bongo drum say it, but figured Levi channeled his thoughts to it.

The Bong Master said they take Levi everywhere. They even took him to a John Mellencamp concert. He said Levi is "equipped to be around the sights and sounds of people." Have they checked on Levi since then? He's probably deaf now. That probably wouldn't bother Matthew. He'd just say, "Awww. He'll be alright. Just give him a little weeeeeeeeeeeed."

Matthew kept the stoner talk going when he talked about how they kept the placenta and umbilical cord for some kind of Australian aboriginal custom.

He said, "They had a placenta tree that was on the river, and it was for the women, and it was the most fertile land and fertile river. And all the placentas of all that tribe, all that clan ... went under that one tree, and it was this huge behemoth of just health and strength. And this tree was just growing taller and stronger above the rest of Mother Nature around it. It was gorgeous."

I just have four words for Matthew: PASS. ME. YOUR. BONG.

Here's Matthew and Camila at the launch of her handbag collection last night.

It's been over a week since the ho from "Hairspray," her daddy, and Bianca from "ANTM" were arrested for beating each other down at an airport in Turks and Caicos. Nikki Blonsky and Bianca were released on bail shortly after their arrest. Carl Blonsky couldn't come up with the $75,000 for his bail, so his ass stayed in jail. Nikki should have blackmailed John Travolta for the money. She must have some kind of juicy gay dirt on his bottom ass.

In a court hearing today, Carl said he needed to go back to the US because he has health issues he needs to take care. Basically, the judge told him "Bitch, sit down." The judge thinks he's a flight risk since he's not from around those parts. Carl has to stay in jail until August 19, the start date of his trial. He faces up to five years in the chokey.

The woman Carl is accused of beating down, Bianca's mother Elaine, was recently released from a hospital in Florida after five days in the ICU. She was airlifted there from the Caribbean. The prosecutor on the case said Elaine is still suffering from memory loss, insomnia, slurred speech and a broken nose. Carl's lawyer accused Elaine of making her injuries seem bigger than what they really are. He thinks she's trying to set up a lawsuit.

Where the hell is that lady from after-fight video? I need her to comment on this fuckery! Seriously, Carl told the court today that he has nerve damage in his arm. The "nerve damage" in his arm didn't keep him from busting down on Elaine.

I doubt Elaine is lying about her injuries, but I wouldn't blame her if she was. Whenever someone is threatening to kick my ass (which happens a lot), I think to myself, "Michael, if this bitch hits you, stumble to those stairs over there and throw yourself down them. If you live, you might get some major cash out of this."

Source

Some political bitch who goes by the name of John Edwards admitted that he lied about cheating on his wife with a former campaign staffer. The National Enquirer broke the story last October. See! They get shit right, sometimes! Okay, just this once.

When the story came out, John said it was all lies. He denied the story over and over again.

In an interview which airs tonight on ABC's "Dateline," John admits to boning Rielle Hunter. He said he never loved her. I see what he's doing there. Since he doesn't love her, it's not really considered cheating. It's just two genitals dancing together. Totally platonic.

John also said he told Rielle that his wife's cancer was in remission before they did secret sexy times together.

Rielle claims John is the father of her baby, born in February of this year. John denies it and said the timing just doesn't add up. Somebody tell Maury to wait in the wings! We might need him in a bit.

John denied ever paying Rielle to keep her mouth shut, but he did say it's possible some of his friends did without his knowledge. That's just fucking laughable! That's like me saying, "I didn't smoke weed tonight, but it's possible that my friends put the bong in my mouth while I was sleeping."

Click here to see blurry pictures of John's supposed secret love child. Why is Mark Harmon holding that baby?

With all that being said, I'd hit it and let his "friends" pay me to keep my mouth shut.

Source: TMZ

Brit Brit shot a promo for the MTV VMAs yesterday with host Russell Brand and some grouchy elephant. Yes, that elephant is grouchy! He's been forced to hold his nose and breathe through his mouth, because Brit Brit cut one.

The promo was shot at Paramount Studios, the joint where this year's awards is being held. A source told E!'s Marc Malkin about the promo, "It was mostly ad-libbed, with Russell asking her for advice about hosting the show. There's also a 9,000-pound elephant in it, as in 'the elephant in the room.' "

It was smart of Brit Brit to do a promo with Russell. His lizard's nest makes her weave look like it came directly from Rapunzel's head.

MTV kept their traps shut about the possibility of Brit Brit presenting or possibly performing at this year's awards show.

MTV needs to make this happen! She needs the chance to top last year's Vicodin-induced masterpiece. I know she doesn't have a new song or anything, but she could just perform "E-Mail My Heart" with dancing computers.

And you know Russell tried to hit that. He should've just told Brit Brit that his dick tastes like cheese. He wouldn't be lying!

SamRo turned thirty-wonderful (that's what my mom says) yesterday and she celebrated with her bumpin' buddy, HoHan, and some other skanks. The party started with dinner at Matsuhisa, a sushi restaurant in Beverly Hills. Why go out for raw fish when you can have it at home?!

After dinner, the party continued outside on the street where an ice cream truck was waiting for them. Ice cream trucks always scared me as a child, because my bitch of a cousin told me that's where they store dead children. This skank said the ice cream man would kidnap kids, chop 'em up and put them in the freezer in his truck. I'm sure that's happened before, but that whore bag didn't have to tell me that! It still didn't keep me away from spending my ho money on delicious frozen treats.

Anylezzy, here's more of SamRo's birthday last night. HoHan is looking a little praying mantis-ish. It's because she's on the all-fish diet. And look at the first thumbnail, you know that shit is going to be put to good use. Ice cream in the firecrotch!

Ceiling Eyes in a sea of homo douchebags - Egotastic!

Did Brooke Hogan have more work done? - Hollywood Tuna

Keanu Reeves has a candle in his ear - Just Jared

DeAnna Pappas and that one dude in some seriously staged pictures (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Jenny Aniston without John Mayer. OMG! They totally broke up - Popsugar

Pink disses her ex - Hollywood Rag

Milo Ventimiglia in Corduroy Magazine - Lainey Gossip

What in blue hell happened to my Mena Suvari? - IDLYITW

James Franco talks about Sean Penn's penis envy - Towleroad

The best asses in beach volleyball - Cityrag

I'm a little disappointed with Sienna Miller for keeping Balthazar Getty's salchicha around this long. But it looks like he's still making her chocha sing, because they were spotted together in Malibu yesterday. You know Sienna even had to buy that shit for herself! I don't get it. The dude has issues and he might not even inherit anything from the Getty fortune!? Seriously, he must have "slap yo momma" dick.

And why does this twat need to buy clothes? She never wears any!

Princess Chunk, the abandoned fat pussy from New Jersey, has a new pot to shit in. I pity the fool who has to clean that pot. The 44lb pussy also got a clean bill of health from the vet. He doesn't have a thyroid problem, but the vet suggested a new high-protein, low-carb diet for him. More beef for pussy!

Princess Chunk became a national superstar after he was found wandering the streets of New Jersey looking for a cow to eat or something. His owner abandoned his chunky ass, because she lost her home. She just couldn't handle the chunk.

500 whores applied to be Princess Chunk's new owner. The NYDN reports that the shelter chose a family that already has two cats. Are they BBPs (big beautiful pussies) too? If they aren't, Princess Chunk is going to swallow those pussies whole. Pussy eating pussy.