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Here's the grotesque duo, Twit & Twat ,attending the 4th Annual Pink Party to Benefit Cedars-Sinai Womens Cancer Research Institute in Santa Monica yesterday.

Is there something fraudulent going on here (COUGH!!! fake ass made for TV relationship COUGH!!!)? Seriously, if these two were actually together, there's no way Heidi would let Spencer look like he just rolled out of a pile empty beer cans and puddles of his own urine. He looks like a fucking hobo. And not even a hot hobo who might give good sexy times.

And what the stitch popping pus draining hell is going on with Heidi's lips? They are out of control! Hopefully she keeps plumping her face labia's so they get too heavy to speak, let alone sing. She is such a famous-for-nothing dumb twat plastic surgery addict. If she continues jamming dirty needles in her face she will look like Mike Tyson punched her in the fucking mouth.

Say NO to cheap plastic surgery! You can do it Heidi, I have faith in you. Or should I say I have faith in your producers? Hmmm...

Jennifer Hudson is engaged to Punk from "I Love New York." The girl is an Oscar winner and she's going to marry a dude who probably had a couple of sword fights with New York. I mean, the dude most likely tossed New York's salad and licked on her nuts! NO!

JHud's rep told People: "I can confirm that Jennifer got engaged to her boyfriend David on Friday night in L.A."

The two have been dating for less than a year. They have been seen together a few times, but have pretty much kept their shit on the down low. I don't blame JHud. Why the fuck would you want to be seen with one of New York's leftovers?!

JHud is either knocked up or she's extremely dickmatized. I don't care how good the dick is. He's had his tongue down New York's masculine throat! That's a deal breaker.

Seriously. Good dick is both a curse and a blessing. It will make you see the world like a beautiful fairytale wonderland, but it will also make you fuck up your life by marrying a reality show douche!

And what happened to the dude JHud was with for so long? The dude she fell in love with before "American Idol"? JHud needs to wake up from this "good dick fog" and see the light!

JLo's injured foot had a miraculous recovery and she was able to compete in the Nautica Malibu Triathlon today. And she actually finished! People reports that JLo finished a half mile swim, 18-mile bike and a 4-mile run in 2 hours, 23 minutes and 28 seconds.

While JLo was running her ass off, I was drinking Mimosas and filling my fat mouth with stuffed french toast. Hmm...maybe I should get off my lazy ass and do a push-up or something. Ugh. Even the thought makes me sweat, which is probably making my body burn some calories, right? I'll just think about working out and it'll make me burn calories. Brilliant!

When JLo's mega ass crossed the finished line, she told the crowd, "I feel really great and so glad I finished and that I made it out of the water but more amazing than that, I feel really great that we raised $127,000 for the Children's Hospital of Los Angeles and hopefully it'll go to good use."

Matthew McConaughey also competed in the triathlon. He did it in 1 hour, 30 minutes and 44.7 seconds. Damn. It's the power of the bong!

I seriously wish I was there today. I would've tracked JLo like a wolf watching his prey. I just know this bitch got a double to do the hard shit! She was probably sitting in some trailer, with her white candles, sipping on champagne and getting her make-up done to look all natural and "flushed." Then she got out of her chair, lightly jogged across the finish line and took all the glory! The truth will be revealed soon! And by "soon" I mean in 20 years when the Dragon Tales Twins write a tell-all.

It's a low down dirty shame that this trailer from "The Soup" isn't real. I would gladly hand over $12 to see Spaghetti Cat (even his puppet version) on the big screen playing an intense NYC detective. It's the role he was born to play. And Lou as his co-star just makes it that much better. Hopefully, Hollywood will take this as a hint and put Spaghetti Cat in the movies. I'm sick of seeing fake ass pussies on the silver screen. It's time for a pussy who really has something to give movie-going audience. Something like bare noodles and cokey eyes.

Spaghetti Cat is not only all over TV and the Internets, he's also been starring in my dreams. Last week, I had a 4am dream featuring SC. Even though he was white with orange spots and had a bowl of Ramen noodles in front of him, I still called him Spaghetti Cat. I'm sure that means something. Why are early morning dreams always the weirdest?

Brit Brit and her family have donated to the Promises Foundation in L.A. an autographed portrait painted out of automatic transmission fluid and Pennzoil 30W motor oil. Joking. It's an oil painting done by Daniel Maltzman. How sweet, bitches couldn't write a check?!

The auction started out at $10,000 on eBay, so bid with confidence! If you got the coins to buy this piece of American history, get your ass to eBay. Winning bid will also receive choices of a case of WD-40, a box of 12-gauge shot gun shells and/or a year supply of beer nuts.

Pictured above is Brit Brit standing next to the glamour shot. The painting includes a letter of authenticity from Daddy Spears (who more than likely will be promoting in the near future, a boxing match between himself and Adnan), which states: "I hereby verify that the portrait of my daughter, Britney, has been in our home since it was completed by the Daniel Maltzman Studio."

What?! Bitch, you need some fucking glasses!

Next thing you know she'll be signing pictures of Vladimir Putin and passing them off as herself and selling them on eBay for $50,000. If the artist really wanted to make the picture more convincing, he should have painted a bag of Cheetos or a Frapp in her hand, hell even a picture of her dropping a baby out of her arms. Something!

You know what, I'm gonna start taking the pictures out of frames at Wal-Mart and signing them and selling them as myself on eBay. Bidding starts at $1.00 with a low reserve.

P.S. - Is it just me or does it look like a crow is pecking at her eye in the painting? She probably has a few Cheetos crumbs in there and he's getting himself a little snack.

When Wonky McValtrez isn't busy making fuck tapes and boning everything with a peen she can get her rat claws on, she's out doing normal people stuff. Only when she does it, she still looks like a dumb prostitute who forgot to wipe the jizz from her eye.

First, the Garbage Pail Kid flunky was at The Ivy with her mutant kin, Nicky. Then, approximately two hours later after being stuck in traffic, she stopped at McDonald's for worm burgers and fat ass fries. Delicious! I wonder if she got a sperm McFlurry with that? McSpermie!

For someone who's so skinny, why does she stuff her nasty mouth in a two hour time period? It's one of two things, either she's knocked up since "everybody's doing it," or her crabs have quite an appetite. I'm going with the latter.

And why is that McDonald's employee smiling at Wonky?! They never smile at my ass! They usually just roll their eyes at me, suck their teeth and then tell their co-worker that they can't wait to get their "drink on" tonight.

Mark Ronson and his toddler girlfriend are no more. Okay, she's not a toddler. She's like 19 or some shit. The Daily Mail reports that the two ended it after a fight in NYC four days ago. Friends say that the 14-year age difference between Mark and Daisy Lowe is to blame.

I'm going to blame Gavin Rossdale, Daisy's sperm donor daddy who doesn't want anything to do with her. Just blame him for everything from now on.

Daisy wants to focus on her modeling career (hah) and isn't ready to settle down. The friend said: "Despite his party-boy image, Mark’s quite serious and just wants to meet the right girl and settle down. That was an issue for Daisy, who is still quite young at heart. They’re in different places at the moment and they both need some time and space to think about things. Mark’s at the top of his game. He’s very self-assured and confident and he knows what he wants. Daisy still has quite a lot of growing up to do."

"A lot of growing up to do" basically means she wants to slut around and I don't blame her. That's what your late teens and 20 were made for. It's when your genitals are at the top of their game.

Mark will be fine. I'm sure he's already found another young thing to mend his broken heart. You know, there was a time when I would get all hot in the groin for Mark, but those days are over. Now I get this creepy "Pee Wee Herman" vibe about him. I mean, he looks like he loves playing with his stuffed animals way too much if I ain't being too subtle. He probably hugs his teddy bear while doing sexy times. And he always has this smirk on his face like he farts diamonds and dandelions.

That being said, I'd still hit it on his collection of stuffed animals.

Yesterday, the Ivy rolled out the royal carpet for the Empress of Lucite and that piece of trash Prince Von A-Hole. The always gracious and elegant Shauna Sand allowed that bag of hot donut sweat to bestow her with some cheap lingerie. Being the kind soul that she is, Shauna accepted Prince Von A-Hole's gifts with a beautiful smile. But we all know that the minute she puts on that sleazy shit, her celestial skin will melt it off. The Empress of Lucite is much too pure for tawdry shit like that! Only the finest shit from Paris belongs on her skin.

I'm a little worried for her, though. She didn't wear her exquisite lucite heels yesterday, which means her powers weren't as strong. This is probably why Prince Von A-Hole was able to touch her without his greasy paws getting burned by her blistering elegance.

Here's more of the natural beauty with a nasty beast on Robertson Blvd. in Los Angeles yesterday.

In case you missed it, here's the one and only Tina Fey as Sarah Palin on "Saturday Night Live" last night. Fey seriously became Palin! This whole skit was made of magic. Yes, I was drunk when I first watched it, but I saw it again this morning and still giggled like Tommy Girl getting his feetsies tickled by John Travolta.

I could have watched these two all morning. Tina should win an Emmy for her posing skills alone. Why didn't I learn that shit at Barbizon?! Anybonerkiller, watch that shit if you haven't already.

SNL should have ended right after Tina and Amy's skit, because the rest of it was pretty bleak. I mean, we were told that Michael Phelps hosted, but he pretty much disappeared after his first monologue. They put him in the corner and gave him like 3 lines to spout. The only time I laughed was when Kristen Wiig was on the screen. The woman saves every fucking skit she's in. Nobody does "slow person in need of an exorcism" quite like Kristen.

Okay, I'll admit that I did crack a smile when they showed Debbie Phelps having a "Chico's kind of day."

Carole Jackson - Author of "Color Me Beautiful," the book that tells you what season you are and what colors work best for your hair color and skin tone. This book was the shit in 80s! I've never checked to see what season I am. I'm probably the season of the fucking witch.