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Tomorrow night, I'm going to go see Harry Potter's magical peen in Equus on Broadway. Oh and the dude that's attached to it is going to do some acting too.

I'm not sure if I would've bought tickets if I read this DanRad quote first. Okay, I still would've bought tickets, but now I have to find a way to somehow slip some Viagra into his water.

DanRad admitted that his peen gets a little stage fright before it makes its entrance. He calls it the "David Effect" after David's battle with Goliath.

He said: "He (David) wasn't very well endowed, because he was fighting Goliath. There was very much that effect. You tighten up like a hamster."

Tighten up like a hamster? Has he been hanging around Richard Gere lately?

Dan went on to say: "The first time it happened, I turned around and went, 'You know there's a thousand people here, and I don't think even one of them would expect you to look you best in this situation.'"

Um....I expect him to! That's the reason I'm going! Harry Potter's junk should get top billing. I don't want to see a melancholy peen onstage. I want that shit standing proud, ready to give a fucking monoglue. Shit, I want his peen to open up its lips and address the audience.

Those of you that won't be able to see DanRad's scared turtle live, (NSFW) click here to see some pictures taken from a camera phone. I still need to see that shit for myself! If I wave at it, do you think it will wave back? For $100 a ticket, it better!

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Mimi was outside the Cavalli store in NYC the other day, probably daydreaming about unicorns dancing on a rainbow salad or something, when her pooch dropped a few caca nuggets on the sidewalk. Instead of picking that shit up or forcing one of the help to do it, she fluttered off back into the store. She left the dog shit right there on the sidewalk for an innocent person with nice shoes to step on. Illegal, but I don't blame her. I rant about dog shit all the time on here, because it's the worst part of my day. I've tried to train my dog to not shit at all, but I haven't had any luck.

Now if I left even a crumb of my dog's doody on the sidewalk, at least three dumb whores would pull a citizen's arrest on me.

The other day, my doggy was doing the squat dance all over the place and some dumb ass whore of a stupid lady stopped to watch. Not because she loves poochie poo, but because she wanted to make sure I was going to pick it up. I know the type. She probably slipped on wet canine poo in the past and it made her some sort of dog shit nazi. The wench waited until I picked up every last piece. Thankfully, my doggy didn't go diarrhea or I would've been screwed. I just would have dropped his leash and dog shit bag and screamed, "I quit this bitch!"

I hate dog shit. End of rant.

Source: Page Six

I don't think Jocelyn Wildenstein was what her boyfriend had in mind when he posted a personal ad that read, "man seeking sexy cougar." He got a cougar alright, a fucking real live one.

The stunning Jocelyn and her longtime boyfriend Lloyd Klein, who is legally blind (I'm joking), had lunch in Beverly Hills yesterday. And by "lunch" I mean liquid lunch, because she can only open her mouth wide enough to barely stick a straw in.

I fear for Jocelyn. She lives in Beverly Hills where Sharon Stone also resides...... For Jocelyn's sake, I hope she never runs into the evil Cruella de Stone! Jocelyn would be slung over Sharon's shoulder before you could say "karma."

P.S. - Does anybody know if Jocelyn was in Pennsylvania recently? Maybe that poor lady wasn't sprayed by a skunk. Maybe she was sprayed by a Wildenstein!

If you're a lipstick lesbo, shouldn't you always wear a hot shade of lipstick? That paint color on HoHan's lips should be illegal. It looks like she gave a sloppy blowjob to a Pepto-Bismol bottle. I mean, she eats pussy with that nasty lip color on? For shame!

Anylezzie, HoHan wore an unfortunate shade of lipstick to the "Ugly Betty" premiere party in NYC last night. She only has a couple of days left on the set. How do I know this? Bitch blogged about it, because that's her thing now. Here's what she wrote:

first off-HAPPY BIRTHDAY MUMMY!!! (it was yesterday but i didn't have time to post a blog)

2 days left of my shoot on Ugly Betty-I am quite sad to have to leave the wonderful cast and crew behind. it's always sad to leave people that you get close to..it's been such a delight to be a part of this show!!-My sister, Aliana is visiting me on set today and i loooove having her around... she makes me smile, just like another certain someone :)
love you baby xoxo

MUMMY? That's funny, because White Oprah does look like a fucking haggard mummy who has been left out in the sun. And why is HoHan always so coy about SamRo? We know they're grinding 'ginas! She doesn't have to come out and say it, but we know who that "certain someone" is. We all know!

Eva Mendes has accomplished a lot in life. I'm not talking about all the movies she's been in or all the "most sexiest" lists she's been on, I'm talking about the fact that she's fucked in all 50 states.

Eva said: "I’ve had sex in all 50 states. A lot of it was on a road trip I took when I was younger." She said she had the best sex in Arizona and Colorado. "Maybe it was the clear air, or the quiet, or the endless sky... whatever it was, it was really, really good.” And what about the worst? She said Alaska. “I’d really like a do-over on that state." Levi Johnston, put your hand down! You're not available.

Many of us haven't even been to all 50 states, let alone done sexy times in it. Eva is a true American hero! I'm sure her parents have a bumper sticker that reads: "My daughter got fucked in all 50 states. Yee-haw!" My parents would!

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The bitches out there that still watch "Saturday Night Live" (me included, sometimes) will be saddened to learn that Amy Poehler is leaving the show after the election in November. Amy, who is knocked up with her first kid, tells Men's Vogue (via UsWeekly) that after maternity leave, she will start working on NBC's "Office" spin-off.

Amy said, "It's gonna be really hard — Boyz II Men hard — to say goodbye to yesterday. SNL was dangerous, late-night, last-minute and star-studded, but like any good drug, you need to know when to put it down."

Ugh. Why did she have to mention that song? Now it's going to crawl inside my one good brain and stay there all day. At least it will have some company since the story about the woman mistaking a skunk for a cat (see below) is also chilling out up there.

Anyway, with Amy leaving, that leaves the show with just two chicks: Kristen Wiig and Casey Wilson.

Why are all the SNL chicks leaving? And where do they go? Maya Rudolph and Cheri Oteri haven't done anything major since SNL. Bring them back! And while they're at it, they should bring back Laraine Newman and Jan Hooks too.

A woman in Pennsylvania thought she was petting a neighbor's beautiful and loving kitty cat, but it turns out she was actually giving affection to a skunk. She thought a skunk was a cat! This is some Pepe La Pew shit!

Instead of purring at her gentle touch, the skunk sprayed her ass and then ran into her house. HA. Wait. I just have to overstate the fact that the woman thought the skunk was a cat!

After the skunk pussy gifted her with its perfume, she called the police for help in getting it out of her house. She even admitted to them that she thought the skunk was a cat! I think I would've kept that little fact from them.

The cops spent hours trying to find the skunk. It's not known whether they ever found it. It's probably curled up on the lady's lap right now, eating cat treats out of her hand.

In her defense, it was just before dawn. I guess a skunk could sort of look like a cat in the dark......after you've fallen on your head.....from drinking too much booze.....and smoking too much crack.

I'm sure the woman has learned her lesson and won't go petting creatures in the dark. The coyote she accidentally mistakes for a sweet puppy might not be as nice as the skunk.

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Heidi and Spencer's posing skills suck. They obviously didn't go to Barbizon - Just Jared

Hot Viggo Mortensen at the airport. Just because. - Lainey Gossip

Xtina: banged and wasted - Popsugar

Mary Louise Parker, I can see your boobies - Egotastic!

Becky Romjin is fucking huge, but maybe that's because she's pregnant (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Even more slutty pictures of Megan Fox in GQ - Hollywood Tuna

ScarJo is a bitch - IDLYITW

John Mayer gave Heidi Klum a lapdance - Hollywood Rag

Vadge's full "Get Stupid" video - Towleroad

Vintage Brit Brit with a power bottom - Cityrag

Kat DeLuna "sang" the Star Spangled Banner at the start of Monday Night Football and it started out okay.... But then Kat suddenly thought she had the voice of Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston and that's when eardrums started to burst.

This is why most people need to sing the National Anthem like they are in elementary school again. Keep that shit simple or you'll sound like a possum choking on a carrot while jumping on a trampoline. Or in Kat's case, a cat choking on a carrot. Most bitches agreed, because Kat got booed.

Ellen Degeneres is the newest face of CoverGirl. And yes, I said Ellen Degeneres and not Zac Efron. Ellen announced on her show today that she will star in commercials for CoverGirl that will begin airing next year.

Ellen, who probably doesn't wear make-up when not on camera, said, "I am very, very excited about it. It's a very cool thing, I'm honored and the photo shoot was 'easy, breezy, beautiful ... CoverGirl.'"

More like "easy, breezy, lezziful...."

I like Ellen. If she made me cookies, I would eat them, but she is not the right gayelle for the job! I just have two words: ROJO CALIENTE! The world needs to pull the dildo out of their asses and recognize this woman! She should be on billboards, in movies and in the oval office. She should be everywhere! The whores at CoverGirl made a mistake!

Unless, they did consider her, but realized that there is no way they can improve upon her natural beauty. Yeah, that must be it.

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