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The Emmys are probably the most sleep-inducing awards show in all the land, so let's all hold hands and try and make the best of it. This is what Cojo would want us to do and he's Chastity Bono's long-lost twin, so he knows what's good.

If you have nothing better to do, grab a bottle of Boones Farms, park your lazy ass on the couch, switch your TV from the Spice Channel to ABC and join me as we watch all these TV hos read lines off of a teleprompter. Exciting shit. Oh and don't forget to say a little prayer hoping Eva LongWHORIA falls on her ass!!!

This Lunesta fiesta is like ten hours long, so I'm splitting it into two posts. Part 1 will cover 8pm to 10pm. Part 2 will cover 10pm and beeeeeyoooond. Part 1 after the jump. I lied. I'm going to do all of it in one post. It's going to be long as hell, but your mouse can use the exercise. It's all after the jump. JUMP!!!!

Like cutlets to a flame.... It's our very own international supermodel and "Hot Babe of the Year" Phoebe Price at the Emmy Awards this afternoon. PP is nominated for Most Glamorous Member of the Poultry Family in a Paparazzi Video. She's totally going to win.

It looks like the Frederick's of Hollywood outlet store had a red light special! I'm joking! I'm sure PP's stunning dress was made by herself on the floor of her living room using an old Butterick dress pattern and a sewing machine she borrowed from her elderly neighbor. I'm joking again! I shouldn't be so jokey when it comes to Chicken Cutlets. She's serious business. But I do think my slutty aunt who got vagina rejuvenation surgery did have curtains like that in her boudoir. She said the red lace curtains made her feel like a real sensual woman.

PP is playing it smart by wearing red panties under red lace. Just in case PP's copper wire bouquet should peek out, we won't even notice! The fire bush matches its covers!

Here's more of the sexiest seat filler in the business at the Emmys looking like she's on her way to audition for the sequel to "Staying Alive" called "Staying Aliver." And that's PP's mother/agent/manager/assistant/cutlet handler/publicist behind her.

Tommy Girl bounced around NYC yesterday in some truly sexy platform sneakers while Vanessa Hudgens' "Sneakernight" played in his head. "Oh, put your sneakers on! Oh, let’s go all night long!"

Tommy looks like a middle-aged horny nurse off the night-shift and ready to get her pussy tended to. I'm probably not far off with my assumptions. For real though, when is Tommy going to stop playing games and finally wear his exquisite lucite heels out in public. You know he probably has a collection that rivals the Empress of Lucite's. He wears them around his Scientology sex dungeon. They make him feel like the statuesque vixen he is inside.

After Tommy finished working it in his sneakers on the streets of Manhattan, he took Suri to the Build-A-Bear Workshop. Awww....isn't that sweet? Now they have matching toy bears! Maybe Tommy's pet bear, John Travolta, and Suri's new bear can have a tea party together. Although, Johnny should probably leave the butt plug at home when he comes over for their playdate.

Looks like this country bumpkin and her possum-haired pa are turning into some greedy ass motherfuckers. What's the matter, you don't have enough Firebirds sitting on cinderblocks in your front yard?

Sounds to me like Billy Ray has been filling Miley's head full of raccoon shit. Apparently, her TV show "Hannah Montana" isn't making enough scratch to support his mullet habit and his wife's other lil' chilluns. So he needs his cash cow to make more cash.

Doesn't this heartless hillbilly care about her little fans?! 30-year-old dues who live in their mothers basement and eat Cheerios for breakfast, lunch and dinner will be heartbroken and devastated!

According to TMZ, sources say Miley is acting like a brat, showing up late to the set and pissing off the cast and crew. They also claim Billy Ray has told people on the set that they're only going to do twelve more episodes and then they're out. But the whore machine known as Disney insisted that they finish the twenty-four episode season and will be doing another six episodes. I'm sure there's also contracts involved to prevent any quitting or firing from happening.

Billy and Miley would be extremely stupid to dump her TV show. I mean, what will they do when her singing career tanks and they can't afford all those back country luxuries.....like moonshine and Pabst Blue Ribbon?

Here's a few pictures of Miley with a friend and some blended coffee drinks in Los Angeles yesterday. That's right. That ho knows better than to buy a Starbucks Frapp. That drink is off-limits! There's only one pork-rind-lovin' popstar in Los Angeles who gets to drink those things.

Walking into a restaurant and seeing Twit and Twat's constipated mugs plastered on the wall is like finding a pubic hair in your clam chowder. Or a booger stuck underneath a table. It's a disgusting surprise that nobody ever hopes to see.

This one time, I got a pizza from Domino's and underneath the pepperoni I was about to consume I found a ginge pube. No lie. When I see Heidi and Spencer's faces I get that same sick feeling in my gut, like when I found that kinky ball hair floating somewhere between the cheese and pepperoni, slathering itself in the grease. That being said, I still ate it. Well, if it's covered in grease and cheese, then it's okay!

Here's Hollywood's not-so-favorite manufactured douchebag couple immortalized on the wall (for what, I don't know. It's not like they cured cancer or anything) of Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant, "Cut" on Friday.

Twit and Twat were "honored" and said it “felt better than winning an Academy award.” Of course you two dolts would say something stupid like that! Last time I checked, they didn't give Oscars out for being dumb whores with Chiclet teeth and Tupperware titties.

These busted ass flunkies join George Clooney and Jack Nicholson as the other portraits on the wall of "Cut." Twit and Twat in the company of Clooney and Nicholson? Everything is wrong with that. Everything.

No, Mischa Barton is not wearing a headband designed by the one and only international supermodel Phoebe Price. Strike one. She's wearing a headband she designed herself. STRIKE INFINITY! Didn't Mischa get the memo that there could only be one mega celebrity (ha) headband designer and that spot has already been filled by Chicken Cutlets!

Out of all the things there are to design, she chooses headbands?! That is a major slap to PP's cutlets! Hmmm...slapped cutlets. I think I'm having chicken paillard for dinner.

Anypoultry, couldn't Mischa design cellulite jewels or saggy titty pasties? Anything but headbands!

AND! She even used a Sharpie on the wrong part of her face. You use the Sharpie on your eyebrows, not around your eyes! I swear. Mischa needs to go take a nap. She might as well. She's already wearing a nightgown.

Here's Mischa and her craft project headband at the Gift of Life Charity Ball in London last night.

Dr. Fred Mullins of the Augusta, GA's Joseph Still Burn Center held a press conference this morning to give an update on Travis Barker and DJ AM's injuries from Friday's plane crash that killed 4 people.

Dr. Fred said the two are expected to make a "full recovery." He said they both suffered second and third degrees burns. He added that it can take up to a year to recover from such burns but the two didn't suffer any other type of injuries. He went on to say that Travis was burned on his torso. DJ was burned on his hands and part of his head. Dr. Fred would not say what percentage of their bodies were burned or if they were conscious. He also said they should be able to return to performing once they have recovered.

Given the circumstances, this is good news.

During the press conference, Dr. Fred read a statement from the families:

“The families wish to thank fans from all over the world for their prayers and concern. Deepest sympathy is expressed to the loved ones of those who perished in the crash. As the two recuperate and mourn this loss, privacy for them, their families and friends is requested at this time.”

Source

George Michael, the singer not the kid from "Arrested Development," was arrested inside a public bathroom in London last night for possession of weed and crack. Can you imagine if George Michael Bluth from AD was arrested in a public bathroom? Lucille would probably give him a hug and a Hot Toddy. I digress.

The police were tipped off by a toilet attendant after they witnessed George loitering around the underground bathrooms in London's Hampstead Heath. George was just looking for a little cock to go with his crack!

45-year-old George was busted and taken to the police station where he was cautioned. I like it when they say "cautioned." I picture them sternly looking at George and saying, "Now don't do this again, Georgie! Here's a letter you must take to your parents. I want them to sign it and bring it back to me. You've been very bad! Very bad!"

This isn't Georgie's first time at the rodeo...or public bathroom in this case. He was arrested in 1998 for trying to get a little sexy action in a men's bathroom in Beverly Hills. He's also been busted a couple of times after he was caught passed out in his car in possession of drugs.

Come on, George!!! It's called Craigslist and a drug dealer who makes house calls. Look into it! If he loves public bathrooms so much, he should build one in his back garden or something. He should install a men's public toilet and a car for sleeping.

Honestly, he's getting too old for this shit. He should never use a public bathroom. They are bad news. And crack?! Seriously? Did we not learn anything from Wino?

Source

Rutina Wesley - Rutina plays Tara, the hot bitch best friend of Anna Paquin, on HBO's "True Blood."

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