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When the whores at Disney heard the rumor that Miley and Billy Ray wanted out of the "Hannah Montana" show, they probably sent Goofy, Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck to take care of those hillbillies and set them straight. Because Miley issued a statement today claiming she will stay on the show.

Disney's biggest cash cow said: "I am fully committed to Hannah Montana. It's what gave me this amazing opportunity to reach out to so many people. I couldn't do it alone. We have an amazing cast that is so supportive, including my dad who has been there for me every step of the way."

That's right. Homegirl knows who's putting supper on the table: MICKEY FUCKING MOUSE. Mickey probably told Miley, "Billy Ray ain't your father. I AM! I'm your daddy! I say when this game is over! Now go shake that ass and bring home the cheese!"

Here's Mickey Mouse's slave with her gay boyfriend and her crazy-eyed mommy last night.

When did Chris Klein become the creepy man on the block your parents warned you never to talk to? The man that would always buy lemonade from your stand and ask you if you like watching R-rated movies. Chris is almost as creepy looking as Katie Holmes. Almost.

There was a time when Chris was semi-hot, right? Now he just looks like he lives in his grandmother's basement and surrounds himself with his massive porcelain doll collection. He's freaking me out the way he's staring into the camera and through my soul. He's heavy petting me with his eyes. Gross. I bet he uses Purell as lube, because he's majorly OCD about germs.

That being said, I'd hit it on a puddle of instant hand sanitizer. Well, he looks like he's majorly freaky in the sheets.

UPDATE: It looks like someone has decided Latarian needed to make a comeback. Reader Tracy wrote to tell me that the story is in none of the local papers or on local news stations.checked to see. Whoever put this clip together used old footage from the first time Latarian stole his grandmother's car and presented it as though he struck again. As far as I know, Latarian did not steal his grandma's SUV again. It was just a trick! I was bamboozled!

If Latarian is still doing hood rat stuff, he's doing it on the down low. I'm sorry, Latarian! I'm sure he'll pistol whip me later.

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Latarian Milton, the 7-year-old kid who stole his memaw's car last April to do "hood rat stuff," has struck again! Struck four more times to be exact.

Latarian stole the keys to his grandma's 2006 Durgano AGAIN! How the hell is she just leaving her keys out in the open like that?! She needs to hide that shit under a fruit bowl or somewhere else he will never look.

After Latarian stole the car, he drove down the street, turned into Costco, hit two parked cars, got back onto the street and hit two more parked cars before pulling into the Wal-Mart parking lot. He finally hit a sign and then drove into a ditch. His grandmother's Durango is totaled and Latarian doesn't give a fuck!

We all know why he want to Wal-Mart. For the chicken wings!

When asked why he stole his grandmother's SUV again, Latarian said, "Cause I wanted to do it. My friend was in the car with me. I took it on a high-speed chase!" And what does he think about the people whose cars he hit? "I think nothing about them!"

The reporter is the most patient and professional woman in the business. I would have knocked those ice trays out of his hands and then bit at my own hands to stop from shaking him. Or I would have laughed hysterically and then cried myself into a little ball on the floor.

Judge Judy is to blame for all of this! She was supposed to have him on her show and then she canceled it at the last minute. She could have saved Latarian!

Thanks Jenn

When you find yourself fighting over The Mac Dude, it's time to roll up your genitals and call it a day. That's what Drew Barrymore and Kiki Dunst need to do. Some nosy ho told OK! Magazine that the two were bitchy towards each other backstage at SNL and also at the after-party. Drew used to do gross things with Justin Long and Kiki recently did nasty things with him. Kiki denies it but we know she's a lying sack of unsifted flour.

Drew was at SNL to watch her friend Pizza Face Diaz in one of the skits. Kiki was there to support her Spider-Man co-star James Franco, who hosted the show A source said: "Drew and Kirsten had a really awkward run-in. James had to deflect the situation by making a joke and walking away with Kirsten while Drew then fumed about it to Cameron." Did James make a joke about wanting to lick the foundation off of Zac Efron's taint, because that's not a joke.

At the after-party, the tension between Drew and Kiki was still there. The nosy ho said: "Both Drew and Kirsten were there. But Kirsten didn't want to be near her, so they stayed far away from each other the entire night."

Damn. These two are both boring ass faces. Stay away from each other? Doesn't Drew know that when you're in the same room as your ex-boyfriend's current eff buddy, you're supposed to call her a cunt and then pour a pitcher of beer over her head. That's standard practice.

Here's more of Kiki's uncooked flapjack face and Drew Barrymore on Saturday night. There were a few other scraggly celebrities there including Juno and Chace Crawford from "Gossip Girl." Drew ended up leaving with Chace. That's right, Drew. Forget your troubles with a little lesbionic action.

And I thought the Emmy Awards was a Simply Sleep enema. Well, the fashion was even more boring and predictable. It was one generic gown after the other. Thankfully, some broad named Christina DeRosa won a contest from Subway Sandwiches and got to go to the Emmys. No. I don't know how she got in, but I'm glad she did. I'm also glad that when she got tangled up in the paper shades in her apartment, she decided to make it part of her gorgeous ensemble. The woman in back of her obviously agrees.

I've already named international supermodel Phoebe Price as the best dressed at the Emmys. That goes without saying. Christina DeRosa is a close second. This is how you do it. She's perfection from her hair to her shoes. I think she transported back to the mid-80s to get her updo done at the JcPenney salon while Lil' Suzy blasted in the background. I can smell the mixture of AquaNet and burnt L.A. Looks gel from here. That's the kind of hair you lose your virginity in after prom. She also gets a gold star for making a handbag out of folded coffee filters. Bitch is so resourceful!

And it was nice of Tommy Girl to lend her a pair of shoes from his personal collection.

I also threw in some pictures of JLove and her creepy boyfriend, because she obviously got her hair done at the same joint as Christina, but ran off in the middle of it. Oh and everyone's favorite goth club grown-ups, Vyxsin and Kynt from the "Amazing Race," were also at the Emmys. And you know Tommy Girl is ordering Kynt's shoes in every color right now.

The chick from Mad Men has magnificent chichis - Hollywood Tuna

Did Mila Kunis get a titty job? - Egotastic!

Being grouchy all the time does a body good for MiserAlba - Popsugar

Juliette Lewis looking like a really hot crack whore on the catwalk (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Mandy Moore visits DJ AM - Just Jared

Sting kisses a dude on the new Little Britain USA - Towleroad

LOLCelebrities - Cityrag

Keira Knightley has a 23.5 inch waist - Hollywood Rag

Patrick Dempsey's wife has chronic bitchface - Lainey Gossip

Brit Brit needs a Cheeto break - IDLYITW

During Jimmy Kimmel's pre-Emmy special last night, he showed a "Grey's Anatomy" spoof featuring the God of Water as Dr. McSwimmy. I approve of the sea cucumber stuffed speedos, but the Crocs.....THE CROCS! That is unforgivable! I don't care if it was part of his costume! CROCS only belong on the hooves of the devil! Thankfully, Crocs did not make an appearance on the final cut.

Debbie Phelps was probably on set and refused to let this happen. What am I saying? She's probably a Crocs-a-holic! I bet she owns Crocs high heels in every color. She thinks they look extra sexy when paired with her No Tummy Pants from Chico's.

Below is the spoof featuring Dolphin Boy. They should have put the "censored" bar on his face instead. Well, you were thinking the same thing.

Image: JCChambersOnline - Video: ONTD

It looks like it's going to be another dog caca-filled week here on Dlisted. That's pretty appropriate, actually. Anyfeces, a judge in Los Angeles has evicted Dane Cook from his apartment, because he won't pick up after his dog's shitty ass even though his neighbor's filed several complaints.

Dane is appealing the judge's decision and claims that if he leaves that apartment, he will suffer emotional distress and his career will tank. You see, Dane said he only lives there, because John Belushi and Steve Martin used to live in the same building. Dane states in the documents, "I know that the presence of those that have lived there before me affects me deeply and provides me with inspiration."

Umm....Dane's career is headed for the dog shit bin regardless if he lives in that apartment or not.

Dane went on to spew, "In the same way that writers can get writer's block, comedians can really easily run out of ideas and 'stories'; I am extremely frightened that this will happen to me if I am forced to move out of my apartment. I've seen it happen to other comics, that something interferes with their connection to their creative muse, and it's destroyed careers."

If he's allowed to stay, Dane will pay $40,000 to the owner of the apartment building for doggy poop damages.

I see what he's doing here. The judge better see through this bitch's fuckery and charge him with being a grade A asshat. That shit is punishable by life in a prison cell filled with dog diarrhea. Dane probably didn't even write that crap himself.

And I don't blame his dog for having the mega shits. Anybody would get a bad case of the runs from being around Dane that much.

Source: TMZ

This morning in NYC's Central Park, David Blaine was hung six stories in the air for his latest and stupidest stunt. David will hang upside down for the next 60 hours straight. When the 60 hours are up, he will do something called a "death dive" to the ground. This is the first and last time you will ever see the words "David Blaine and hung" in the same sentence.

Doctors tell ABC News that David's head won't pop off his body (rats!), but he could have a stroke or go blind. David is hooked up to a catheter for all his needs. Please let that catheter explode all over his face.

I say we get a group together, go down to Central Park and take throwing rocks at the douche pinata. You know what? Eff that. I'm sure he's only stuffed with dirty douche water and butt pebbles.

Here's David with Kelly Ripa in Central Park this morning. Kelly's crotch is definitely going through some messed up shit in these pictures.

Kate Moss and her Count Von Count-looking boyfriend, Jamie Hince, have broken up and this time it's forever. That's what some bitch tells The Sun anyway. A source said they split last Monday after some big fight. I'm guessing their body parasites just weren't getting along. Or maybe Jamie got sick of getting his lip caught on Kate's snagtooth when they kissed.

Now that Kate is single and ready to jingle, Dreamboat Doherty has apparently been begging her to take him back. One of Dreamy's friends told The Mirror: "Pete is pretty single-minded about it. He is desperate for her to give him another chance. He's spent most of the time in his Marlborough cottage trying to figure out a way to persuade Kate to take him back. He believes Kate is 'the one' and won't give up the idea of reuniting."

The friend said that Kate isn't even entertaining the idea of getting back together with Dreamy. She's still heartbroken about her break-up. I'm sure she can't even look at a box of Count Chocula without bursting into cokey tears.

This story is so full of LIES! Stick this story to a polygraph-machine and see for yourself! There's no way Dreamy is begging Kate back. It's the other way around! She probably spends all night banging on his shanty house door, hoping he will take her into his pasty crack arms and slobber heroin phlegm all over her hag face! It's not going to happen! Dreamy doesn't beg anyone for anything. Well, maybe his drug dealer, but that doesn't count.