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Michael Lohan has been relatively quiet lately. I figured he finally took everyone's advice and stuck a dick in it for good. Well, Michael must have eaten a suppository this weekend, but he was back to spewing verbal diarrhea. He shot off an e-mail to x17online.com and called SamRo a "dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity." That's a compliment where I come from. If he said that to me, I'd thank him with a cunty curtsy.

Michael also accused SamRo of writing HoHan's MySpace blogs. That might be the case, but HoHan is probably busy sitting on SamRo's face. Yes. SamRo can eat a skin burger and blog at the same time! Talent!

He went on to suggest that SamRo wipes her vag with a cardboard toilet paper roll. "Have you ever seen her apartment? For God's sake, when she runs out of toilet paper she tells people to use the cardboard roll. (I was told this firsthand)."

I never thought of using a cardboard roll before. When I'm over someone's house and they don't have tp, I either use their hand towels or the bathroom rug. And if either of those things aren't available, I turn their sink into a bidet! I'll have to remember the cardboard roll. Those lezzies are so smart!

Of course, HoHan had to respond to her devil daddy. She wrote an e-mail to Page Six saying SamRo is not evil and that she's in a great place...blah...blah...blah.. She also said: "My father obviously needs to be on medication to control his moods. He is out of line and his words show how much anger he has, and it's dangerous and scary as it reminds me of how he treated my mother and I my whole childhood. He needs to be stopped. This is yet another reason why we aren't speaking."

HoHan, it's times like this when a simple "STFU" will do as a response. Better yet, ignore the loon and let him self-destruct on his own.

Here's HoHan and her cardboard-roll-loving girlfriend walking around Los Angeles the other day.

We need to send out a search party for CoCo's sense of style, because it's obviously missing. Look at this ordinary and classy shit she wore last night! Is she joking with this demure mess? The dress looks like it costs more than $50. This is not like her. Where's the elegant and glamorous CoCo I have come to know and adore? This crap belongs on some humdum plain Jane, not on a unique beauty like CoCo. I don't understand. She's not even showing off her best feature: her camel toe of dreams! Whenever I see her camel toe, I feel a calmness fall over me. CoCo's camel toe lets me know that everything is okay in this world. What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

Hopefully, CoCo realizes what she has done and immediately throws that trash dress into the garbage or donates it to a nun or something. I do still have feelings for her. Maybe she wanted to be something she's not for the "Nights in Rodanthe" premiere. Oh, Coco. Less class, more ass.

Speaking of "Nights in Rodanthe," why do I really want to see this sappy nonsense? The other day I watched the trailer and I immediately wanted to get wrapped up in Diane Lane and Richard Gere's doomed romance. When Diane says, "You came along and helped me find those parts of myself I thought I lost forever," I felt it in my very soul! WTF is wrong with me?! Read this fucking description: "Now, with the storm closing in, the two turn to each other for comfort and, in one magical weekend, set in motion a life-changing romance that will resonate throughout the rest of their lives." I'm going through the change, right?

Pinch with me with a nipple clamp! I think I'm dreaming. What are the chances we would get not one, but TWO Rojo Caliente sightings in less than a week?! The gayelle gods are shining down on us. If we see her a third time this week, I will give up the peen forever and become a full-fledged butchie who eats coochie for breakfast, lunch, dinner and all three snacks. I love you Rojo, but please stay inside the rest of the week and shut your shades. My no-no hole depends on this.

The rare Rojo sighting took place outside of a Rite-Aid in Venice, CA two days ago. I know you're assuming Mrs. Caliente is making "sicky icky poo" face, but she's not. This is what happened. When they were inside Rite-Aid, Cynthia, like she always does, got the intense urge to lick on Rojo's flaming carrot muffin. Cynthia's craving was so intense that she forgot to protect her tongue and she suffered the consequences! She's trying to stop the burning! I know it sounds like a stretch, but that's the gayelle's honest truth! If you can't stand the heat, don't eat Rojo's pussy.

You're probably sitting at your desk and enjoying a delicious frozen ice creamtreat, but did you know that you're slowly poisoning yourself by ingesting all that cow milk?! And you're also forcing our cow friends to get knocked up every nine months. Well, that's what Peta claims anyway. They sent off a letter to Ben & Jerry's asking them to stop using cow milk and to use breast milk instead. They got the ingenious idea from a restaurant in Switzerland who is using titty leche in their soups, stews and sauces.

Unfortunately, Ben & Jerry's isn't taking their advice. They issued this response to Peta: "We applaud PETA's novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother's milk is best used for her child."

Maybe Peta should give it a second thought. Think of all the money they would save! I mean, they could ask Aretha Franklin to get pregnant only once. She would squirt out enough titty juice to last the rest of our days.

I also think Ben & Jerry's should take it a step further and think about the defenseless cherries and cocoa beans they are harming. They didn't ask to be eaten for our enjoyment! Ben & Jerry's can still make flavors like Cherry Garcia, Chocolate Fudge Brownie, Sweet Cream & Cookies and Bananas on the Rum using substances our bodies naturally produce. Use your nasty imagination. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with my toilet.

Thanks Clarisse

I'm just going to cut to the cheese with this story. This is Jose Cruz of West Charleston, West Virginia and he was charged with battery after he busted a fart on a police officer and then flamed it in his face. Even worse, it was a drunk fart. Drunk farts always smell like creamed chipped beef and yeast.

It all started when Jose was pulled over because his headlights weren't on. The police officer arrested him after he failed a few sobriety tests and took him to the police station.

When Jose was being fingerprinted, he lifted his leg and farted loudly on the officer. The violated officer wrote in the complaint notes that Jose then "fanned the air with his hand in front of his rear" onto the cop. The officer went on to write that the gas "was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature." The officers' notes should be released as a comedy toilet book.

Jose was charged with DUI and also battery for dropping a stink bomb on a policeman. Assault with a stinky weapon.

The officer thinks he had it bad? What about Jose's innocent chonies? I'm sure they weren't happy about getting covered in Jose's ass mousse. That must violate some kind of law.

And somebody needs to show this shit to Tony Romo. The next time Jessica Simpson dutch ovens him, he should know that he has legal options.

Thanks Jesse

Birthday: ?
Age: Old
Birth Name: Levitz Model #AF7879324

Original Date of HS of the Day: September 15, 2008
Claim to Fame: This weepy abandonded couch was about to end it all on the streets of North Hollywood, CA when it saw a car careening out of control, so it stuck out its cushion and saved it! A hero in every sense of the word.

Where is it now? Working on a reality show, tell-all and furniture line. It was also seen "canoodling" with one of the Olsen trolls.

Why is it HS of the Week? Because the skanks have spoken!

Katie Price whoring out her new skank juice called "Besotted." More like Beslutty - Hollywood Rag

Does Serena van der Woodsen have fake boobies? - Egotastic!

HoHan is open and smokin' - Hollywood Tuna

Cate Blanchett is really rich - Just Jared

Ricky Gervais to save the Oscars? - Lainey Gossip

Rugby players in panties - Towleroad

Breaking. Ashley Jizzdale is still fugly (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Explain this picture - Cityrag

Marisa Miller has a calendar - IDLYITW

Stop me if you've heard this before... Katie Holmes in tight-rolled jeans - Popsugar

"American Psycho," the book by Breat Easton Ellis about a 1980s Wall Street banker who loves to murder, is being turned into a big Broadway musical. Fun for the whole family!

The bitches producing it said now is the best time to put song into Patrick Bateman's murdering heart, because of what's happening on Wall Street. They are currently looking for hos to write the songs and book. No timeline has been set.

Obviously, Christian Bale is the only one who can play Patrick Bateman. He was in "Newsies," so he can sing and dance! "American Psycho" is kind of like "Newsies," but with more blood, nail guns, Huey Lewis and rats.

Speaking of rats, I can't wait for the musical's Act 2 opener featuring an interpretive dance between a woman, her vagina, a hungry rat and a chainsaw. Consider yourself lucky if you have no idea what I'm talking about.

The other night Drew Barrymore was seen leaving some joint with Chace Crawford, but it looks like she was only using him to get to the real goods: Chuck Bass. Last night at the Kings of Leon concert after-party at Bowery Electric in NYC, Drew and Chuck Bass were caught tongue fucking each other's mouths. I know. I'm so romantic.

A source told UsWeekly that this is the second time they have made out in public. Shit. This means Drew is pregnant or she's officially Chuck Bass' beard. One of those.

I'm not completely sure if that's Drew and Chuck in the picture above. But I am sure that drunk dude in back of them is about to get even drunker.

I'm guessing that Chuck only stuck his tongue down Drew's mouth because he couldn't stand hearing her lisp anymore! Although, I bet it sounds cute when Drew says his last name. Wethwick. That is kind of cute.

UPDATE: A reader just sent me this shit about Drew and Chuck Bass: "I was standing outside Pourhouse smoking and they walked by me, arms around each other, and he was wearing leather pants and a PURPLE FANNY PACK!!!" That explains everything.

Image: Vanity Fair

Cloris Leachman MUST win "Dancing with the Has-Beens." Better yet, they should just change the name of the show to "Dancing with Cloris" and send the rest of those boring skanks back to the unemployment line. Well, everyone except Susan Lucci and CHERYL BURKE!! I feel like I need to see more of La Lucci's Marilyn Monroe impersonation. I'm just waiting for the night where she looks at the judges and coos, "Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul," and then bursts into "I Wanna Be Loved By You."

And every show needs a villain and that's what CHERYL BURKE is there for. I just want to take her sausage thighs and wrap them around the base of her mop head. I HATE HER! Breathe...Michael.....Ok. Back to the star of the show!

Cloris' did not disappoint last night! It was like watching the episode of "I Love Lucy" where Lucy sneaks into the audition to become one of Ricky's dancers and hilarity ensues! Cloris doesn't really dance. She just stumbles around the stage like a drunk memaw looking for more booze. She's the main reason to watch this shit show.

I think Kim KardASSIAN is going home tonight. She proved just how useless she really is. She has an ass that will make any thong cry and she doesn't even know how to use it! She should be able to clap for herself with an ass like that.