Archives

I get that kids get attached to certain toys, dolls and other shit. When I was a kid, I had this Cabbage Patch doll who would never leave my side. Over the years, the doll became dirtier and dirtier. His yarn hair fell out and he probably had snot and drool on every inch of his plastic body. If you put my doll under a microscope, you could probably witness a germ orgy. My mom would always try and get rid of it, but I'd scream and cry if it never left my side. Okay, I wasn't a kid. I was 20. And yes, it still sleeps with me.

Back to Suri. There may be a reason why she's so in love with that busted doll. Star Magazine reports that Suri doesn't have any little friends, because Tommy Girl and Katie keep her away from other children. A source said that Katie takes Suri to play at a gym...by herself! The source said: "Suri takes a private class in a room in the back of the gym. I have never seen her play with any of the other kids." The source also said that when Suri is around other kids, she doesn't know how to play and she doesn't like share. What kid does?

Okay, that's fine and everything, but can't they get her a prettier doll? That doll needs a Glamour Shots makeover. And while the doll is at it, it should drag Stepford Katie with it. Homebot is starting to look like Shelley Duvall towards the end of "The Shining."

Clay Gayken looks like a 40-something gayelle with an extensive collection of holiday sweaters and ceramic ducks, but he's kind of likeable. Gayken gave an interview to Diane Sawyer (who talks like she's on ludes and wine) about the whole gay thing. The singing at the beginning made my ears twitch, but I wasn't completely annoyed with the rest of the interview. I would never EVER hit it, but I'd share a big dick with him. FUCK. I swear, I'm not turning into a Claymate! NO.

If you ever see a post on here with the title "Yes, I'm a Claymate," immediately throw my ass into the crazy house before I completely become a mom jeans wearing maniac!

This is what happens when you bump fuglies with the same bitch for a long time. You start dressing like them! HoHan and her labia lickin' lady friend went to the unhappiest place on earth yesterday wearing pretty much the same shit. Ray-Bans? CHECK! Lezzie Club shirts? CHECK! Skinny jeans? CHECK!

And yes, I said the "unhappiest" place on earth. Whenever I go to Disneyland, I always think that rainbows are going to fly out of my ass because of how happy being there will make me. The opposite usually happens. I get all angry after paying $6 for a sodie pop and I usually always get into a fight with some stupid bitch who is talking way too loud in line. I'm sorry, but while I'm waiting ten hours for a 10-second ride, I don't want to hear about some whore's life. That's why whispering was invented. Yes, I have major issues. We already know this. Just file this shit in the "MK IS A BITCHY BITTER HOMO" folder and then go make me a hot chocolate.

Here's more of the hipster scissor sisters acting all gayelley at Disneyland. It's funny that SamRo is wearing a Jack Skeletor hat, because they have the same body.

Watching SamRo dive into HoHan's crotch would have been more exciting than David Blaine's lame "Dive of Death" last night. TMZ caught up with the royal doofus and asked him what the hell happened. Instead of saying, "I'm a dick bag. I fail at magic," he blamed Dubya's speech on TV last night and the wind. Dubya is to blame for a lot of shit, but David should have come up with a better excuse. He should just have just pulled an Asshole Simpson and blamed his acid reflux.

61-year-old Philip Seaton of Louisville, KY waltzed into an operating room last October to get a circumcision as part of treatment for a medical condition. When Philip woke up after surgery, his foreskin was missing alright, but so was the rest of his peen! The doctor straight-up cut off the dude's wang! The phrase "not right" was invented for this story.

Philip is suing Dr. John Patterson for chopping off his turtle friend without permission. He is also suing the anesthesiologist, Dr. Oliver James, because Philip claims he did not agree to general anesthesia. He is seeking peenitive...I mean...punitive damages against both doctors.

Dr. Patterson said he amputated Philip's willy after finding cancer. Philip's attorney said, "Sometimes you have an emergency and you have to do this, but he could very easily closed him up and said, 'Here are your options. You have cancer,' and the family would have said, 'We want a second opinion. This is a big deal.'" How big of a deal exactly?

This is what I think. The court should decide based on the size of the member. If it was 8.5 inches or more, these doctors should hand over their entire fortunes to Philip and spend the rest of their lives in jail. If it was 6 inches or less, well then.... You know what?! I take that back. Peen is peen! Did Dr. Patterson go to the Lorena Bobbitt School of Surgery?! You just don't treat dick that way! You wine and dine dick. You take it to the theater and buy it flowers. You don't fucking hack it off without getting a man's blessing first!

Source

Thanks SK

Brad Pitt is looking so "oatmealy," which is funny since he's making constipated face - Just Jared

MiserAlba is still on vacation and looking not-so-miserable... - Egotastic!

Ewan McGregor loves the gays - Lainey Gossip

Two dirty dykes in Rome - Popsugar

Mini-Me's next sex tape co-star (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Barf. Katy Perry needs to cover the fuck up - Hollywood Tuna

Christopher Ciccone should shove that whole book down his throat and keep it there - Towleroad

Mary-Kate steals Ashley's hair - Cityrag

Aren't all celebrity friendships fake? - Hollywood Rag

A couple of days ago it was reported that Cruella de Stone lost joint custody of her older son to her ex-husband Phil Bronstein. Cruella's lawyer dude, Marty Singer, claims it was all just a misunderstanding and she still has joint custody.

Fox News reports that Cruella had asked the court for permission to enroll her son in a school near her house in Los Angeles. Her son currently goes to school in Northern California, where he lives with his daddy. The judge obviously felt it was stupid for Cruella's son to be pulled out of school for really no reason, so he rejected her request because he felt Phil "can provide a more structured continuity, stable, secure and consistent home for the child."

The court documents state that Sharon still has visitation rights and other shit. Something in the milk ain't clean about all of this. Phil can still have sole custody with Sharon getting visitation rights. How could it be a misunderstanding? The better question is: What should I have for lunch?

No, this is not a promo picture for Eminem's next album. It took me a couple of eye blinks before I realized it was the fallen pepaw Ed McMahon. 85-year-old put on one of KFed's outfits to rap in two viral videos for FreeCreditReport.com. If you look closely at the picture above, you can see Ed's dignity crawling away. Shit. I shouldn't have said that. Ed is gangster now. He can bust a catheter in my ass.

FCR asked Ed to star in the videos after they saw him talking about his money problems on Larry King. Ed jumped at the chance, because let's face it, the bitch needs cash.

The Huffington Post has the sad details on the two videos:

In the first video, McMahon _ who once pitched the American Family Publishing sweepstakes _ and a bodyguard are cruising through a neighborhood looking for sweepstakes winners to ask for some money back, but McMahon doesn't actually go through with it. In the second spot, McMahon dons a new suit after undergoing a financial and emotional makeover.

"When I retired, I was famous," McMahon raps in the video. "I had money and glory/I bought a house for 6 mill/I thought nothing could touch me/Until my credit went south, and debt started to crunch me/Next thing I know, instead of playing gin rummy, I was scrambling just to make ends meet/It wasn't funny."

You gotta do what you gotta do to pay for your rusty trophy wife's obsessive shopping habits. And I guess it could be worse, he could be doing pepaw porn. Shit. That's next.

Don't expect Johnny Depp to return your phone calls anytime soon, because he's going to be tied up for a while. And not tied up in the way you've fantasized about over and over again. The pimps at Disney have announced that Johnny will star in 3 films for them. Depp is officially a Disney whore! He's also the only Disney whore I want to see half-naked on MySpace.

Johnny is currently shooting Disney's "Alice in Wonderland" for Tim Burton. He plays the Mad Hatter opposite Mia Wasikowska as Alice and Matt Lucas as Tweedledee/Tweedledum. The film will combine performance-capture imagery with live-action shit. Tim is also shooting it in 3-D.

Okay, Tim owes it to the world to add a full nude scene featuring the Mad Hatter. Seeing Depp's peen in 3-D has become my newest mission in life.

After Johnny finishes "Alice," he will move on to "The Long (typo, but it stays) Ranger" and "Pirates of the Caribbean 4." Obviously, he'll be playing Jack Sparrow again in the latter. In "The Lone Ranger," he'll play Tonto and not the title role.

Okay, Disney owes it to the world (for bringing Miley Cyrus into our lives) to cast Rodrigo Santoro as The Lone Ranger and add a sex scene. Oh and that shit should be shot in 3-D too. I mean, it makes sense. Tonto and The Lone Ranger always wanted to do dirty sex to each other.

The only bitch smiling in these pictures is the tranny sewer rat known as Aubrey O'Day. Her pooch Ginger looks like she needs to be put on suicide watch along with Aubrey's sad Tupperware titties. Seriously, those things look like they just had a fight, because they are trying to get as far away from each other as possible.

I love Aubrey because she's a shameless skeezer with no morals, but she really needs to treat her chichi sacks and pooch better. Ginger does not want to be dragged around against her will. I know my dog isn't into that shit. He would rather be at home, in his bed, licking his no-nuts area. Besides, whenever I take my dog out, crackhead whores always want to touch him and shit. And after they finish petting him with their crusty paws, they always ask me for 25 cents or a quarter. That's why he's better off at home.

Here's more of the slut whose taint probably smells like aged Brie at a Declare Yourself event last night.