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I'm liveblogging the MTV VMAs tonight, so we can all torture ourselves together. Use one hand to hold mine and the other hand to hold an economy-sized bottle of vodka. You're going to need it. If you don't have any booze in the house, then rubbing alcohol and cough syrup will do. If you don't even have that, then cut a little Drano with some tap water. Hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. And did you remember to make a very special Flaming Cheeto Loaf for this very occasion? If not, put one in the fucking oven and join me after the jump. JUMP!!!

Double the fug alert! The world is barely ready for one Emo baby, now some friend of Vagina Wentz claims Asshole Simpson is popping out twins. The stock for flat irons just went up. Yes, there is a stock for flat irons. Check!

Petey's friend, Tyga, told E!, “They’re having twins. They’re really happy.” And we're really barfy.

I'm still getting over the "fact" that Pete has a penis. A penis that he stuck into Asshole's vagina. It's like junior high school sex education class all over again. This info makes me feel uncomfortable, dirty and confused. I'm also giggling like Tommy Girl during a prostate exam.

A spokesbitch for the two twats denies she's popping out twins: "It is not true."

I think Rumer Willis is crossing her tater fingers, hoping Asshole pops out two babies. That's going to double her chances that a bigger tater head than her will exist on earth.

Here's Ashlee farting around in Los Angeles the other day.

Crackie overboard! Amy Wino actually showed up to a gig! Yes, she rolled onstage 45 minutes late, but that's 45 minutes early in Wino time. She didn't slap any bitches or hawk any of her crack loogies on anybody. That's progress! I'm sure she still managed to scream "Blaaaake" every 5 seconds, but it's not her fault. Just like coke magically jumps into her nose, the word "Blaaaake" pops out of her mouth without force.

Here's more of the Crackie of Camden making LOLcrackie faces while performing at the Bestival festival yesterday. And I wonder if her belly was full of 45 bottles of Jack?

Ty Ty Banks may be an expert at "smiling wit yo eyes," but can she do this shit with her eyes?! You know she can't. Only international supermodel Phoebe Price knows how to "binge drink wit her eyes." That takes major skills. Even John Robert Powers can't teach this shit. You must be born with it.

PP was outside of some parking lot the other day when she took time out from her busy schedule of posing and headband selling to offer some help to TMZ's Harvey Levin. PP thinks Harvey needs help in the make-up department and said she would be happy to take him down to Neiman Marcus to find the right foundation for his skin. She is truly generous. A day of foundation buying with an international supermodel sensation like Phoebe Price is priceless. And when she said "Neiman's" she really meant Rite-Aid.

PP couldn't talk long because she was late for her day job as ticket taker at The Revenge of the Mummy show at Universal Studios. I'm joking and I'm lie-telling! She was late for a very important show that I'm sure involves plenty of posing and "getting drunk wit your eyes."

Gary Coleman, his giant wife (yes, they are still together), and his bodyguard --- WAIT! Gary Coleman needs a bodyguard? Is he paying him in animal crackers? I double checked and his bodyguard is not Todd Bridges. I don't know why he needs to hire a bodyguard when his wife can pretty much defend his ass with her wild horse teeth.

I digress.

Gary and his hos were leaving a bowling alley in Payson, Utah on Friday night when 24-year-old Colt Rushton got in his business and tried to get a picture. When Gary turned him down, Colt got even more aggressive and took a few pictures anyway. That's when the little angry man got into his vehicle, started to leave and ended up hitting Colt and another car. I've been hit by a Big Wheel before, it's more painful than it seems.

Colt has a totally different side of the story. He claims that Gary's scary giant wife grabbed his cell phone and when he tried to get it back, Gary started punching at him before getting into his truck and running him over.

Colt is not a quick thinker. Everybody knows that the best way to block punches from Gary Coleman is to hold his head while he's swinging. Duh.

Colt was taken to the hospital, treated and released. Hopefully, the nurses gave him a special hug for getting his ass beaten by Gary Coleman. That can't be good on the ego.

Police are currently investigating this shit. No arrests have been made, but they said booze might have played a part. That goes without saying. Gary really shouldn't have had that extra wine spritzer.

Source

Ray-Ban's favorite gayelles hiked up their ham wallets to sit front row at SamRo's sister's fashion show at Bryant Park yesterday. I'm kind of into SamRo's baby biker butchie look. I don't think I've ever seen a skinny ass biker dyke before. This is some "Skeletor does 'Easy Rider'" shit.

And it's nice to see that HoHan's magnificent chichis have come out to play. They look jollier now that she's lickin' the labia. SamRo must be an expert motoboater.

Here's more of these two vagitarians at the Samantha Ronson show yesterday. In the pictures below, the woman sitting in back of them nearly made my morning. I seriously thought for a second she was the cook from "Clue the Movie."

Edwina Rogers - Republican strategist on Fox News and also the wife of some rich Republican dude. That's not why she's a "hot slut." She's a hot slut, because she wraps presents in real money. The clip below is from some show called "Powerhouse." Edwina invites the cameras into her home, dubbed the "Republican Shangri-La," to show everyone how to wrap presents in real dollar bills. How practical! Candy Spelling doesn't have shit on this crazy bitch!

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