Archives

Just the other day I was wondering what was going on with one of my 90s crushes, Bryan Abrams from Color Me Badd. Well, the dumb bitch is in jail for beating up his girlfriend and threatening to kill her. Ooooooooooo! I Wanna Beat You Up! I'm just going to throw in random titles of Color Me Badd songs in this post, so bare (typo, but I'm keeping it) with me.

TMZ reports that cops were called to a restaurant in Oklahoma City last Friday, because Bryan allegedly punched his girlfriend in front of everyone. Cops say he was noticeably drunk, reeked of alcohol and was slurring his sentences. All 4 Booze!

Bryan's girlfriend claimed he verbally threatened her by saying, "I'm a kill you! You and me! You and me!" How can Bryan go from singing "I Adore Mi Amor" to screaming "I'm gonna to kill yo ass"?

Bryan is still in the clink on $4,000 bond.

That's a damn shame. Color Me Badd was the shit. I wore out the cassette tape and then later bought the CD. Bryan was always my favorite, because he had some seriously skinny eyebrows. And they matched his skinny stache. He must have been tweezing like crazy. Obviously, he didn't keep that shit up.

Sigh. Oh well. We'll always have this:

Those are 5 words I love to hear in the evening. This shit right here sounds like the flimsy plot of a gay porn movie. It's not, but you can still make it extra sexy by taking off your pants, snuggling up to an 8-inch pork sausage and imagining the "bow chicka bow bow" song playing in the background.

21-year-old Antonio Vasquez was arrested in Fresno on Saturday morning for allegedly breaking into a home, stealing $900 and then beating one dude with a giant sausage and rubbing spices in the face of another. I told you this was going to be sexy.

It all started when Santiago Cabrera was sleeping on the porch of his home in Fresno, CA on Saturday morning. Santiago suddenly woke up to Antonio hitting him in the face with an 8-inch sausage. If only I had such problems.

While Santiago struggled to get up, Antonio kept hitting him in the face and head with his giant sausage.

After Antonio was finished beating Santiago with his juicy sausage, he ran inside the house and found Cesar Macias sleeping on a futon in the family room. Instead of attacking Cesar with his big sausage (I love writing that), Antonio threw Pappy's seasoning in his face! A load of hot spices to the face. This just gets better. Pappy's is made from "high quality all purpose spice blends, sauces and marinades." I bet it is.

Before busting out of the house, Antonio took off his shorts, with his drivers license, credit cards and cell phone in its pockets. He ran into an orange orchard with only a t-shirt and boxers on. He looks like the type who will beat you with his big sausage and then run off into the morning. Typical

Antonio was quickly caught by the cops in a field. They recovered the money, but the pork sausage was nowhere to be seen. When the cops asked Antonio where it was, he answered, "a dog ate it."

Antonio is currently being held on $100,000 bail.

Okay, in addition to being the plot of a gay porno, this could also be a "Three Stooges" episode.

Seriously, Antonio shouldn't threaten me with a good time! If that was my ass, I'd beg Antonio not stop! I'd play a little game of "pin the sausage on the hiney." Wait. What kind of sausage are we talking about again?

Source

I hope Lynne Spears is on the phone with fucking Jackie Collins, because it sounds like her book is going to need some major rewrites before its release next week. Last week, it was reported that Lynne wrote about Brit Brit's drug use, virginity and boozing in her new book. Well, none of that shit is in there. Her book just went from "a good toilet read" to "toilet paper."

The publisher said that Lynne's book of crap is not a tell-all or a parenting book. Instead, "Through the Storm" is "an inspirational tale of a mother who struggles to keep faith at the center of her life." If I wanted "inspirational tales," I'd watch the Hallmark Movie Channel. Seriously, those movies make me want to bake cookies from scratch and turn my apartment into a halfway house for wayward young girls.

Even though Brit Brit's cherry poppin' tales aren't in the book, she's still pissed off at her mom for releasing it. Page Six reports that she's only talking to Daddy Spears now. Brit blames Lynne for most of her problems and issues.

Lynne has chitterlings for brains. If you're going to whore out your kids, at least do it right. Don't half-ass it! Spill all of their dirty secrets and make sure to include a lot of scandalous pictures! Nobody cares about her stupid "inspirational tales."

Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Pitt were in Toronto at around the same time this past weekend. Can't you tell? It's obvious Jenny is scanning the land for any sight of Brad in one of his silly hats. She can probably smell his aroma nearby so her stalker eyes have gone into overdrive. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like they ever met up.

The Sun claims they had cocktails together. UsWeekly claims they didn't. I don't think they did. We would definitely know it. If it happened, Jenny would leap through the streets of Toronto in her lucky granny panties, singing about how she's got her man back. Then lightning would strike her because....well....Saint Angelina knows Zeus personally. I think he owes her a few favors.

Despite, not running into Brad, things are "great" for Jenny. She told People, "Things couldn't be better." I'm sure she said that while grinding her teeth and digging her nails into her thighs.

Here's our favorite cat lady at the TIFF premiere of her movie "Management" last night. I also threw in some pictures of Billy Goat Pitt at the TIFF premiere of "Burn After Reading" on Friday night.

Kate Hudson was in a full elevator, on her way to the roof top party for Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe's new reality show, when she started freaking out like her vagina was on fire. A source told Page Six: "In the elevator she kept screeching, 'I'm freaking out! It's too much!' while waving her arms around."

Maybe her vagina was on fire? It's possible. She did sleep with Dax Shepard once. Or maybe she suddenly realized that she might have to look at Chupa up-close. That would make even the calmest whore go into panic attacks.

I'm seriously pissed at the people in that elevator. They lost their chance to really send Kate over the edge. If Kate Hudson started losing her caca in an elevator with me, I would calmly look at her with cunty eyes while pushing the emergency button. After the elevator came to a screeching halt, I'd sit back and relax while Kate climbed the walls like a trapped rat in heat.

When Kate finally got out of the elevator, she refused to do any press, saying, "I don't do that." Her spokesbitch denies the whole story. They said: "This is all ridiculous and completely untrue. Kate did go to Rachel's party to celebrate her new show, had a great time and left with the group of girlfriends she came with."

Now I know that spokesbitch's statement is a lie. Kate leaving a party with a group of GIRLfriends? It it doesn't have a working peen, Kate isn't leaving with it.

Image: Getty

Birthday: July 20, 1958
Age: 50
Birth Name: William D. Mays

Original Date of HS of the Day: September 3, 2008
Claim to Fame: Billy started selling shit right out of high school. He used to sell portable washing machines on the Atlantic City boardwalk. He quickly moved up the ranks and eventually became the main saleswhore for Orange Glo and Oxi Clean.

Where is he now? Probably tightening the rope on his nutsack. That's how he keeps his voice so constipated sounding.

Why is he HS of the Week? Billy is like a part of my family. I see him almost once a day. He screams at me like the angry uncle I never had.

Below is his infomercial for Mighty Putty. I am thisclose to buying this stupid shit. It might keep my asshole in check. I fucking love how Billy tells us it holds up to 350lbs but can pull an 80,000 lb tractor trailer. WTF?! Oh Billy! You don't make sense in the brains, but I believe you.

Lil' Mama is ringmaster of the Busted Mess Circus. I think she's taking styling tips from Solange's basement friends - Just Jared

Kendra Wilkinson in a discount Posh Spice wig - Hollywood Tuna

Sad Clown Baby is already addicted to Starbucks - Popsugar

Andre 3000 is not gay. Glad we got that cleared up - Towleroad

George Clooney skips Toronto for Italy - Lainey Gossip

Meadow Soprano flashes her snatch (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

ICYMI: Brit Brit's boring ass VMA intro - IDLYITW

Veronica Mars and her d-bag boyfriend are at the beach - Egotastic!

The bitchy ho from "90210" looking like a Robert Palmer girl reject - Hollywood Rag

Name that celebrity trend - Cityrag

Who needs lunch anyway? AVN reports that a website (NSFW) went live this morning selling the full Mini-Me sex tape for just $9.99. Hey! That's the price of your lunch. Skip the tuna melt and feast on some little people porn instead.

The site was registered in China and it's still up as of now. I'm not, though.

If you don't think you can stomach seeing Mini-Me busting a mini nut, then click here (NSFL) to see a few stills. It's going to take a few therapy sessions for me to get over the picture in the top right corner.

After this picture was taken, several hos around the Empress of Lucite were rushed to the free clinic and treated for severe exposure to concentrated elegance. Once again, Shauna Sand has no idea the power she wields. One air kiss from Shauna is enough to put you into a deep coma where you'll only dream of lucite and Wet 'n' Wild lip gloss.

Here's the most famous pair of exquisite lucite heels on the planet with their gorgeous owner at a National Lampoon party the other night. Oh and Holly Madison was there too. She made the mistake of posing next to perfection. That's one of the first things they teach you in modeling school. Never pose next to Shauna Sand!

Jessica Simpson and her titty balls made their Grand Ole Opry debut on Saturday night and some of the audience members were not pleased with the fact that her rack was out in full display.

One bitch told People: "I think she should have put some clothes on." I think she should have put a muzzle on.

Another ho also complained about Chestica's chest: "I loved that new girl, Crystal [Shawanda] – and she was dressed appropriately." Crystal Shawanda?! I have no idea who that chick is, but she's already my favorite country star of all time. I think the angels gave her that name.

After watching her "performance," I'm more offended by her strained frog warble than what she's wearing. She sounds like a raccoon getting a 5-finger anal exam.

Jessica belongs on a pick-up truck dashboard, not on the stage of the Grand Ole' Opry.

She summed it up herself by saying: "I can't believe I am here!" Somewhere in heaven, Hank Williams is screaming, "ME NEITHER!"