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It really doesn't. It looks like Nicole Kidman took one of those creepy Jabbawockeez masks to her plastic surgeon and told him that's what she wants her face to look like. I think Vivica Fox and Nicky share the same DuPont-trained surgeon.

I mean, how does Nicky eat, blink, burp or suck dick? Silly me. She doesn't do any of those things. She spends her days with her face over a fan to keep it from completely melting.

Here's forever frozen Nicky and Keith out in London tonight. And yes, it was only 2 months ago that a pillow came from under Nicky's shirt. She dropped the extra feather weight in no time.

Thee most annoying baby twat on "90210," Shenae Grimes, doesn't know who she's fucking with. If The National Enquirer is telling the truth, she's about to get the Brenda Walsh beatdown special. Apparently, Shenae, 18, hates Shannen Doherty and is letting everyone know.

A source said, “(Shenae) actually referred to Shannen as an ‘effin bitch’ and said from the first moment Shannen walked onto the set she’s been acting like she’s special. Shenae was saying that Shannen talks down to the costume designers and caterers like they’re her servants and prances around the set like she’s Hollywood royalty.”

Shannen is an "effin bitch"? Flattery will only get Shenae a Brenda Walsh fist to her Ali-Lohan-wannabe face! And Shannen doesn't "prance." She fucking stomps.

Since we're on the subject of "90210," Kelly Taylor's hot cokehead mom is back tonight and my Tivo isn't going to record it! My Tivo has conflicts, so I have to wait until tomorrow. They repeat "90210" on Wednesdays.

Seriously, why can't Tivo or DVRs record more than two shows at once? Some of us are completely addicted to TV and need the ability to record as many shows as possible at the same time. Everybody needs to stop what they're doing and work on this situation until its fixed! Or maybe I should just get another TV and Tivo.

Last week, The Chicago Sun Times claimed Usher, 29, and his she-man wife, Tameka Foster, 38, separated after only one year of marriage. They also reported that she's knocked up with their second child. Today, UsWeekly and People both "confirm" through a source close to Usher that Tameka is in fact with child.

Usher's spokesbitch hasn't commented on the break-up or baby rumors.

This will be Tameka's fifth child. She gave birth to Usher Raymond V last November.

Tameka is a tranny with serious gold digging game. When your marriage to a rich dude is about to go down the toilet, rub your nuts together and make a baby! Child support from one baby is alright, but child support from two is even better!

Reader Megan directed me towards this MySpace page which apparently belongs to Maury Povich's most infamous guest of all-time, Victoria! Victoria's Myspace (which is marked private) announces to the world that she gave birth to a baby named Javen Angel on September 4th. If Javen is ever cold and needs a blanket, "dat's aight cuz she hazit." If you have no fucking clue what I'm going on about, then just skip this shit and watch the video above. You won't be disappointed.

Victoria went on Maury this past May to announce that she was knocked up! She was 15 when she first went on Maury, but she's 18 now. Victoria said she wouldn't "still" anything and will stay in school so she can get a job and support her baby.

I think it's time for Victoria to return to Maury! I need new amazing quotes. I mean, who else could come up with shit like: "I'm ginna drezz mah baby in all bran namez 'n' if I can't afford it, I guess I'm ginna still it!" or "If mah baby losez its pacifier, I have three mo'!"

Visit Victoria's MySpace to see a picture of her baby which I'm sure all us tax payers are helping to support. I'm joking! Victoria doesn't need our help because "shez gottit like dat."

Somebody's dreams will come true tomorrow when they win Jacko's size-28 Calvin Klein panties in an eBay auction. The reserve price is $1 million. For that kind of money, Jacko's panty pudding better have bits of diamonds in it. Ugh. Forget I wrote that. It has bits of something, but it ain't diamonds.

The dirty panties in question were part of Jacko's 2003 child molestation case. The DA took a DNA sample from them. The panties eventually found themselves in the hands of a NJ business man (shudder). He got a hold of them in a bankruptcy case. Jacko's undies come sealed in an evidence bag with police tape wrapped around it.

Other shit being auctioned include a handwritten note from Jacko to Lisa Marie Presley explaining why he wants an annulment and a half-used tube of skin bleaching cream.

Whoever buys Jacko's panty-pudding stained undies better automatically receive a surprise visit from Chris Hansen. What the hell do you do with Jacko's Jesus-juice-stained underoos anyway? Actually, I don't even want to know. Even my mind doesn't go to those kind of places. Okay, it does, but I'm not sharing.

If Nicole Richie isn't wearing one of Phoebe Price's luxurious bedazzled headbands, then I'm going to cross her off my Christmas card list! Okay, she was never on my card list, but I will write her name and then quickly cross it off....with a SHARPIE!

On second thought, I don't think one of PP's headbands would even fit Nicole. She has a chickpea head. Nicole's headband probably came off the wrist of her Crystal Splendor Barbie.

Here's Sad Clown Baby's mommy outside the Marc Jacobs show last night.

Chestica Simpson started to perform the song "With You" on Good Morning America today, but had to stop because the police arrived and were about to arrest her for disturbing the peace. No. Chestica told the audience: "Hold on, I know this is live TV but I can't hear anything."

You're not the only one, honey. I could barely hear anything either after listening to her frog warble for a few seconds. Jessica should take this as a fucking sign. Even her own ear monitor couldn't take that shit!

Chest started the song again, but continued to have issues. Click here to see this shit.

Her "hearing" issues weren't her only problems. What in the pork rind hell was she wearing?! It looks like Miss Piggy's unused maternity dress from when she had a pregnancy scare that one time.

Personally, I don't think Chestica is knocked up. She's just an attention whore! Papa Joe wants people to think Ches is with child, so they can keep talking about her ass. And I've fallen for his trap. Damn him!

HoHan's saggy chichis in a slutty dickey - Egotastic!

Kelly Brook has a new dude - IDLYITW

Apple introduces the gayest iPods ever - Towleroad

Brad Pitt sure loves his stupid hats - Popsugar

Gabriel Aubry is a total DILF - Just Jared

RiRi does her best Grace Jones impersonation and fails (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

A Pacey and Joey reunion - Lainey Gossip

Thankfully, there's only going to be one Emo Baby - Hollywood Rag

There's a hairy pussy on HoHan's boobs and I'm not talking about SamRo - Cityrag

Hayden Panatroll in some seriously stupid arm warmers - Hollywood Tuna

This is what poultry dreams are made of! I couldn't think of a better or hotter suitor for international supermodel Phoebe Price than a bootleg Donald Duck!

I must say a little prayer for George Eastman today, because without his help, this picture would have never been taken. I mean, Chicken Cutlets kissing a plastic duck?! It doesn't get any better than this. Her chicken tender kisses have left him stiff. Literally!

Here's even more stunning photos of PP once again answering the question "Why is Phoebe Price an international supermodel?" You don't see Kate Moss posing on a little kiddie ride usually found in front of KMart. That's because Kate doesn't have the skills for that shit!

The pictures of PP in front of the mirror are also my favorites. The mirror has four chicken cutlets!

On his radio show today, Howard Stern will interview a 22-year-girl who is selling her virginity to the highest bidder on an auction site. Who said romance was dead? Goodbye virginity, hello prostitution!

The chick who is going by the fake name of " Natalie Dylan" is going to use the money to pay for her college education. Okay, if you're going to go by a fake name, why choose Natalie Dylan? Her marketing efforts are already failing! She should have picked something "flashier." I'm thinking "Poppy My Cherry."

Rush & Molly reports that Howard introduced Natalie to Dennis Hof, the creepy fat dude who owns the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada. The auction will take place on bunnyranch.com and the winner will take Natalie's v-card at the ranch. Natalie's sister already works there.

Natalie said she's been forced to sell her cherry, because her stepfather took out a student loan in her name, so she's unable to finance her education. She said, "I don't have a moral dilemma with it. Why shouldn't I be allowed to capitalize on my virginity? I understand some people may condemn me. But I think this is empowering. I'm using what I have to better myself."

In order to prove that she's a virgin, Natalie will take a lie-detector test and undergo a gynecological exam. She's not just choosing any dick either. The highest bidder won't necessarily be the one she does bloody sexy times with. She's going to screen the bidders and find a dude she's happy with.

Natalie already has her bachelor's in women's studies from Sacramento State. In January she starts working on getting her master's in marriage and family therapy. HA!

Heidi Montag better step up her hooker game. It looks like she has some serious competition for the title of world's greatest feminist hero.