Can you believe the decade is already over? It seems like it was just yesterday that we were all boozing, bonging and blowjobbing in 2000. And now we're going to be boozing, bonging and blowjobbing in 2010! CRAZY! Time flies when you're a drunken whore.
Anyway, I want to wish all of you a very Happy New Year! And if you've already banged in the new year, I want to wish you good luck, because I'm sure your drunk ass is doing one of the following right now: a) trying to protect your asshole in jail b) trying to break into your local free clinic to get a hold of a morning-after pill or c) trying to find a church that is still open so that you can cleanse your sin-covered skin in a bowl of holy water.
And I also want to thank you for joining me during this year full of fuckery. When I dry heaved, you dry heaved right next to me. When I slapped my nipples and pinched my taint, you slapped your nipples and pinched your taint right next to me. When I worshiped at the feet of Chicken Cutlets, you logged off and called Bellevue. We did it together. And hopefully, we'll do it all over again next year.
Speaking of Chicken Cutlets, here she is to wish all of you a frecklelicious 2010! Now log off and call Bellevue. I'll be waiting with a Straitjacket Snuggie on. Happy New Year!
It's still not 2010 for some of us, so it's not too late to name this as the SONG OF THE DECADE! Shit, this might be the anthem of all our lives! It's the hatetress of hate Megan Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church (those "God Hates Fags" loontardians) and her parody of Lady CaCa's Poker Face. It features such amazing lyrics as, "Lady GayGay," "God hates you," and "your whorish face." Listen to this wreck:
Megan should come write for Dlisted! Yeah, I know I should be cyber fisting this crazy bitch in the mouth, but I can't help but want to party with her.
While we're all doing shots, she'll scream at how our souls will turn to ash in the fiery pits of Hell. And then after catching us sucking dick in the men's bathroom, she'll spit in our ear (foreplay) and tell us that our whore faces are worth a first class ticket to Lucifer's chambers. Keep giving us that dirty filthy talk, Megan!
What's really hilarious is that Megan says "Poker Face" is the devil's music, but she probably listened to that song a million times while working on her parody. That means she'll be making s'mores with us in the giant chiminea known as Hell. Save us a seat, Megan!
And here's the object of Megan's lady erection showing off her tuck game in Miami this morning.
Fishy barf - Lainey Gossip
Wino looking as stunning as ever - Just Jared
And I can't wait for Roxanne's tuck slips - Holy Moly!
Kim Kardassian is full of shit - I'm Not Obsessed
Jakey dropped the soap....several times - ICYDK
Maddox & Pax take their pet goat to Dave & Busters - Celebitchy
Hot gay action on One Life to Live - Towleroad
This is all of us tonight - Hollywood Rag
Tranny-alikes - Cityrag
I didn't know Twiki from Buck Rogers was doing vocal for Flavor Flav. That's the only reasonable explanation for why Foofy Foo's new single "I'll Never Let You Go (An Ode to Auto-Tune)" sounds like a robot with Tourettes singing into a high-powered fan. This will make you want to kick technology in the crotch bone.
Jay-Z was dead wrong about auto-tune taking a nap in a coffin anytime soon. Auto-tune is alive and well thanks to this future Grammy-winning masterpiece. Shift fuckery into sixth gear and ride the hell away from this disaster.
On a positive note, this is the perfect song if you're a greedy bitch who is getting married soon. As soon as this classic plays over the speakers for the "first dance," every guest, cater waiter and in-law will bust out of there. More booze and cake for you!
via ONTD (Thanks Brandy)
When the monkeys at the Bronx zoo were presented with a mound of Jell-O with blueberries in it, they didn't know whether to attack it or make out with it. Hell, all of us should approach Jell-O with the same kind of caution, because who knows what the hell kind of jelly jizz shit they put in there.
And this video is also an accurate reenactment of Tommy Girl's first time trying to do oral to a girl.
Jersey Shore's Snookikins, the gorgeous dingle John Waters farted up one night after a manicotti dinner, has a way with words the same way she has a way with pickles. The Pickle Whisperer gave an eloquent statement when asked how she feels about Domino's and Unico (an Italian American organization) hating on her show. Snooki said, "Fuck you! If you don't want to watch, don't watch. Just shut the hell up! I'm serious...Fuck you!" And she is serious. If Domino's doesn't stop it, Snooki will mount one of their pizza slices and fuck the pepperoni off it. Shit, it's orange and greasy enough.
Domino's and Unico both issued hilarious statements in response to Snooki. First up is Domino's:
"Our first response was, 'What a classy young lady—her parents must be so proud. There's no need to get into a war with this young girl, because ticktock, her 15 minutes are almost up."
And now let's shine a light on Unico's corner:
"She is not an embarrassment to Italian Americans -- she is actually an embarrassment to the entire human race!!!!"
The last time I ordered Domino's, they said they would knock on my door in 30 minutes. It took them an hour, so if we're going by Domino's clock that means Snooki will be around for at least another 2 hours. And I already felt in a tingle in my soul for Snooki, but after reading Unico's statement, I want to adopt her midget ass. Embarrassments to the human race need to stick together!
(Image via ONTD)
The ladyfriend Rosie O'Donnell was spotted holding hands with the other day is her new bagina bumpin' lover. And the woman sounds like even St. Angie bows down before her halo. That was served without any sarcasm. Not a drop. I know, mark this day in your calendars.
People reports that Rosie's partner in pussy is Tracy Kachtick-Anders, an artiste from Texas. Tracy is also the founder of the Open Arms Campaign, a non-profit that brings together foster kids with gay and gayelle families. Tracy is the mother of six kids. Five are adopted and several of them have special needs.
The two met online through Rosie's blog. Tracy posted some comment that made Rosie's clit stand up and pay attention. The rest is lezzie history.
It's a good thing that Tracy is a mother to six kids. That means she'll know exactly what to do when Rosie throws one of her major dyketrums.
The other day, a message went up on Van Morrison's website announcing the birth of his fourth baby friend with some chick named Gigi Lee. We all patted Van's sperm on the back for still ticking after 64 years. Well, we need to take our pats back, because he doesn't have a fourth child after all. Van says that some evil hacker posted the bogus message on his website. Van's sperm fishes are still spending their days watching their stories on their Tempur-Pedic bed. They aren't even trying to tap a bitch's ovaries. Not today.
Van's rep issued this statement to Irish Times: "For the avoidance of all doubt and in the interests of clarity, I am very happily married to Michelle Morrison with whom I have two wonderful children." The rep added that Van has never heard of a Gigi Lee and the entire story belongs in Barnes & Nobles' fiction section.
On the fake message left on Van's website, the faker wrote that Little Van was the "spitting image" of his father. Since Little Van doesn't exist, you don't have to carry a cross around anymore for fear that you'll run into the second coming of Benjamin Button.
Well, Squinty only gets to lick on this after Bradley Cooper's had too many Fuzzy Navels and if she doesn't flinch when he coos at her, "Daddy Garber, slap me with your tongue." But she still gets to visit his salad bar once in a blue moon.
Anyway, here's B. Coop poppin' his freshly Nair-ed ass crack while putting his dog in a crate yesterday afternoon outside of Squinty's house. "Putting the dog in a crate" sounds like something Tommy Girl does on his Saturday afternoons.
Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Methamphetamine - super-ette
Her eyebrows are saying “she means business” but her face is telling me Down syndrome. - RecessVillain
Consuela had no intention of buying a magazine that day, she was only brows-ing - starvis
via People of Walmart (thanks to all who sent this in)