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Tons of shit happened on Rock of Bang Bus last night. It was a fun-filled trash extravaganza as usual. First, Melissa busted her implant when she fell on the ice during a hockey game. A leaky brain and a leaky tittay! Melissa also got caught calling her boyfriend in the middle of the night and telling him she had no respect for Bret Michaels. Captain Obvious also told her man that Bret wears fake hair. Yeah, it was nice of you to join us, Melissa. You're 3 years late in realizing Bret wears hair produced by Mattel (their European branch), but you've got a leaky booby and brain, so it's not your fault. In the end, Bret threw Melissa and her "Made In Tijuana" titties off the show because she talked shit about his bald head. Basically.

But the best part of the episode was when the government check version of Juliette Lewis, Ashley, and the other skeezers found out that Brittany had stolen their sweaty socks from the hockey game! Brittany admitted it but said she didn't steal it. The owner of the hockey joint let her take that shit. After she tongue fucked him in the ass, of course.

There was never any kind of explanation as to why that nasty bitch stole their grossness. Brittany is in the porn game, so I figured she was planning to whore that shit out on eBay. The skanks better check the rest of their shit, because Brittany probably snatched their crusty panties and pussberry-covered tampons. Coming to an Ebay listing near you: Authentic Rock of Love Bus smegma!

And if Maria calls herself a "retired model" one more fucking time, I'm going to make her lift up Bret's bandana and stare at his bald head. That's some Grudge shit.

Brad Pitt's eyes are begging us for help. He knows that Saint Angie Jo has slowly sucked the hotness and life out of him like a Hoover. Shit. His youth and hotness is what she mostly feeds on. That's how her bony ass can stand and walk. Well, and the archangels also carry her on their wings.

Brad also knows that she made him wear that pashmina so that she could have laugh at him at his own premiere. That's exactly what she's doing in that picture above. But bitch shouldn't be laughing. That evil granny hair isn't doing her any favors. She looks like the evil stepmother from Cinderella in a power suit. She's just missing a grey streak.

Here's more of Cinderella's nemesis and Beat Face at the German premiere of THAT BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT in Berlin tonight.

This actor is the kind of guy that every single woman over thirty wants to meet. He’s tall, dark, and handsome and successful on TV as well as the big screen. He’s carved out a career playing “the boyfriend” to leading ladies. But this down-to-earth guy is freakier than he looks. He never goes out without a jar of mayonnaise in his backpack. He cheats on his famous girlfriend with frisky gals willing to spread the mayo all over his body. (Blind Gossip)

Whoever it is needs to look me the fuck up. Throw a loaf of bread on my ass and that sounds like a good time. The room would smell like egg salad. I don't know if Scott Speedman is considered "dark," but please let it be him! My other guesses are Chris Noth, Dermot Mulroney and John Corbett?

Which odd couple better hope their mutual spouses don’t discover that they shared a recent night of passion in Las Vegas? (Gatecrasher)

This one confuseses me. Mutual spouses? Um. Those chicks of that polygamist sect in Texas?

Which rising Brit actor is already falling out with Hollywood A-Listers? Who does he think he is? (3am Girls)

Ricky Gervais?

This female singer, who has been talking up her performance at an inaugural event for Barack Obama, is quite the political hypocrite. It turns out that she and her family are actually all registered Republicans. (Blind Gossip)

Beyonce? But Sasha Fierce made her do it!

Which actor is in hot water after making a move on a member of his household staff? He and his wife hired an attractive nanny to help look after their growing brood. The actor had never spent a lot of quality time with the kid/s prior to the nanny’s arrival. However, once the nanny arrived, he started spending an inordinate amount of time accompanying her and the kids to various kiddie activities. A couple of weeks ago, the wife caught them in a compromising position in the nanny’s room. The nanny was promptly fired, and the wife has been quietly asking friends for recommendations for a divorce attorney in the Los Angeles area.(Blind Gossip)

Um. All of them! That's why you have to hire an old ass troll with two teeth and no hair to be your nanny. My guess is Garner and Affleck?

Julia Roberts uses the fuck word! I have never been turned on by Julia, but when she curses out the paparazzi, my nips start lactating. I was expecting her to pull out a shank or whistle for her homies during this clip. The bitch is hardcore when it comes to defending her kids.

I wish I would have known about this yesterday. It would have come in handy when some dumb bitch whore was trying to cut in front of me in the supermarket checkout line. I would've pulled a Julia and shouted, "Fuck off! Aim higher! Get a life! Get away from me!"

And I think I love her even more because she goes to Islands. No wonder she was getting crazy. Those pappies were keeping her from enjoying a delicious Hawaiian burger!

VIA ONTD

Birthday: 1963ish
Age: 45
Birth Name: I don't know!

Original Date of HS of the Day: January 14, 2009
Claim to Fame: Famous Russian hairdresser, make-up artist, pop star, sex symbol, ladyman, tranny lion..etc...etc.. A plastic surgeon's scalpel is also his best girlfriend.

Where is he now? Probably getting ass fucked with a tube of glitter lipgloss or getting his nostrils pinched for the ten millionth time.

Why is he HS of the Week? Because SerGAY really makes me want to quit this bitch, move to Russia and get a job gluing glitter on his no-no. And he should also get some recognition for his transformation from Beethoven look-alike to the pretty Russian lady that is eager to meet you (see your spam box for details). And if that hasn't sold you, just watch the video for his song "Dolce & Gabbana (aka the guido's anthem)."

Fabien Baron is no Silver Fox - Towleroad

U2's new shit sucks - Popsugar

Tara Reid or Pamela Anderson? - Hollywood Tuna

More of Vadge's sascrotch and hair pussy (two separate things) - Egotastic!

Leave Marilyn Monroe alooooooooone! - Hollywood Rag

I really thought this was Daniel Craig's wax statue - Just Jared

Shit that makes me happy: LeVar Burton singing The Reading Rainbow theme song - Popoholic

Jeremy Piven sucks at lying - Lainey Gossip

Kate Moss' 35th birthday party was obviously sponsored by Peta (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Eddie Murphy with some grade A ho - Cityrag

Yes, my dreams have come alive thanks to the South Korean who invented this french fry-coated hot dog. This would be a mouth orgasm on a stick if the hot dog was filled with mayo and cheese. I'm going to pretend it is. It's making my tongue jizz. The things I want to do with that thing.

And I bet you it looks exactly the same way coming out as it does going in!

Source: Urlesque

If you are the owner of a beautiful pair of backwards eyebrows, why would you hide them by painting them in? That's what Raven did last night before she went out in DC. This saddens me. She should wear her bald spot eyebrows with pride. That coat however needs be thrown back into the moth's nest. Where is a crazy French flour bomber when you need them? And maybe they would have gotten a little flour on her eyebrows so she had to wipe that pencil off. RAVEN, STOP HIDING THOSE BEAUTIES!!!

Raven's eyebrows are here to host your open party. This is where you can talk about all kinds of shit (even shit). Noooooo topic!

Dumb fuck JLo didn't wear her gaudy ass ring to the Golden Globes because she said it didn't go with her tranny-worthy dress. Well, last night she must have decided that her ring was worthy of this blue dress because she wore it. She also wanted everybody to know that she had it on her finger. I know it's hard to see her ring since her gleaming ego is blinding you. You can see it if you look through a pinhole in a piece of paper. It's a nice ring, but it would look shoved down her throat.

Anyway, JLo continued the ring fuckery at last night's Latino Inaugural Gala in DC, which was also attended by Paulina Rubio and Shakira. JLo and Skeletor apparently sang for the audience at the end of the night. This was a pretty fucking ingenious idea from the party's organizers. Nothing sucks more than trying to get drunk ass whores to leave your party so you can clean up and shit. And nothing clears a room faster than JLo singing live. She should seriously start selling her services. JLo: The world's premiere party emptier!

No, she wasn't arrested for wearing that lipstick. She was arrested for slapping a whore who called her fiance "stupid." Kelly obviously learned from her mother that when a bitch talks shit about your loved ones, the best way to handle it is to spank them in the teefs.

The shit went down last August inside a club in London when gossip columnist Zoe Griffin made fun of Kelly's dude Luke Worrall for not knowing what an earthquake is. Kelly flipped out and allegedly slapped Zoe. In her column in The Mirror, Zoe quoted Kelly as saying, "I have an issue with you. My boyfriend knows what an earthquake is and everyone has been laughing at him and he's upset." The two started arguing and that's when Zoe felt Kelly's hand on her mug.

The police in London confirmed that a 24-year-old chick was arrested by appointment. She was given a court date in March and was released back into the world on bail.

If you don't know what an earthquake is, you definitely have a "vacancy" sign hanging inside your skull. Kelly slapped the wrong bitch. Kelly should've busted a fist earthquake on her man's head instead for not knowing what that shit is. Don't hate on a truth-teller.

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