Archives

Here is case #3,457,485 of a bitch using the phrase "over the moon" to describe a new part of their life. It's my duty to keep track of this kind of overused fuckery.

This one comes from Sarah Palin. She issued this statement yesterday about the birth of her new grandkiddie Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston: "We are over the moon with the arrival of this healthy, beautiful baby. The road ahead for this young couple will not be easy, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy."

Wait. If this came from Sarah Plain, shouldn't they be "over the dead moose"?

Thanks Michael

Why is Wolverine so angry? The jacuzzi is supposed to be soothing. Have a glass of boxed wine, put your peen in the jet and relax - Towleroad

Chloe Sevigny is in a two-piece - Egotastic!

No break for Beckham - Lainey Gossip

Brit Brit returns to her native Walmart - Just Jared

Beat and beater - Hollywood Tuna

Jennifer Garner has been pregnant for decades - Popsugar

The horror of celebrity clowns - Cityrag

The Queen's family jewels have been stolen - Hollywood Rag

How was Aretha Franklin not #1 on this list? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Working out every day isn't going to erase Fergie's methface - I'm Not Obsessed

Sophia Bush still exists - ICYDK

Kate Hudson is boring - Celebitchy

Yeah, this is Kelly Clarkson's new single cover and not Kate Hudson on the cover of some 1970s soft-core porn movie. If Kelly wanted her single cover all shiny-like, she should have just spent 5-minutes to make some shit using Blinggee. It would've looked better and she could have put a little sparkly "Sexy Mami" stamp in the corner.

And it's illegal of Kelly to make a delicious lollipop look so not-delicious. It doesn't even look edible! It looks like a crotch lolly! The kind of lolly that's meant to be sucked by your other mouth.

VIA ONTD

Which newly married starlet gave a guy she trysted with a nasty STD right before her wedding? (Page Six)

ScarHooooo? But what kind of gift does ScarJo give? She looks like a herp kind of girl.

Which on-the-rocks couple have been headed for divorce for a while? The rock star was cheating on his actress wife immediately after they got hitched and has been carrying on with his comely female sound technician. (Page Six)

The word comely never sounds like a good thing to me. My guess is an obvious one: Fishsticks and Cunt Martin?

Which television actor should ask his new fling for her secret photo album? While she was in college, she took some nude pictures that are floating around the hard drives of local frat houses. Somehow, we don't think the actor will be turned off. (Page Six)

TV dude who loves the skanks? Has to be The Piv?

Which TV actor didn’t realize who he was kissing? This handsome guy walked into a bar on New Year’s Eve and started hitting on a beautiful girl. The two got kissy very quickly. His friends finally arrived, and one of them pulled him aside and whispered in his ear that the girl was actually a very beautiful and very feminine transvestite. The actor turned red, was heard shouting “No f* way!”, and left immediately. In his rush, he left his cell phone behind, which he sheepishly had to pick it up at the tranny’s home the next day. (Blind Gossip)

See above.

This celebrity couple looks stable from the outside, but from the inside, it’s a mess, and their relationship will certainly end in 2009. She is doing all the work trying to save their relationship, and has enrolled them in couples therapy. Her significant other, however, doesn’t even show up half the time, claiming that work commitments prevent him from doing so. However, he does seem to have plenty of time to travel for fun and play games and run around with his friends. Besides, why should he bother trying to save this relationship when a past girlfriend - about whom he was totally crazy - may soon be back on the market? (Blind Gossip)

Sydney Bristow and Ben Affleck. He has his choice of two ex-girlfriends who will soon be available: JLo and Fishy.

All I wanted for Christmas was a little Rojo Caliente and my wish came true!! That lazy ass Santey Claus brought it 8 days later, but at least it's still here! I did wonder why the sun in California was shining brighter than usual. I should have known that Rojo Caliente was here! Her fire locks ricocheted against the shining sun covering California in her hotness. I also should have gotten a clue when I went to my favorite new hangout, Home Depot, and there was a sign on the door that said, "Closed in observance of a holy day."

For once, Disneyland was really the happiest (and hottest) place on earth, because it got a visit from Rojo Caliente herself on New Year's Eve! You know, I considered going to Disneyland on New Year's Eve, but they don't serve booze and that's a problem, so I nixed that plan.

I don't know what I would've done if I came face to ginge with the greatness that is Rojo Caliente. I probably would've pushed Mrs. Rojo out of the way, got on my knees and begged Rojo to let me be her woman! I can scrub her BVDs in the sink, polish her power tools and sit on her face at the same time. There's no way Mrs. Rojo can do that shit. Rojo may miss the poon by being with me, but I'll make it better by dabbing a little Chicken of the Sea on my no-no.

Here is the glorious Rojo at Disneyland on New Year's Eve. Don't ask me who the other people are. I can barely make out their faces, because Rojo's magnificence is outshining them.

This might just be another fairy tale from the pages of Life&Style, but if it's not, I will be holding auditions next week to replace George Clooney's place in my no-heart. Life&Style says he might, just might, be dating Parasite Hilton. Barf on me, because this is hurtful.

The two have apparently met up twice just before Christmas. A friend of Wonky's (probably one of her evil crabs) said they had drinks at the Whiskey Bar alone. The crab friend said, "Paris and George sat and talked together for ages. They didn't seem to be aware of anyone else in the room."

Some other source said the two also had dinner with a group of whores at Dan Tana's the next night.

How can George sit there without worrying about Wonky's twat maggots crawling into his pants and nibbling on his peen? If Brad Pitt should ever make George's dreams come true by turning gay, George is going to have no peen to offer him!

I know George loves the sluts, but this is just beyond. Wonky isn't just your regular cocktail waitress who moonlights as a professional dick sucker at night, she's a straight-up nuclear zone. If he wants to find another beard to replace Robot Call Girl, he should try to find one that's not going to make him the free clinic's #1 customer. Besides, Wonky probably can't even strap-on for him! Whenever something rubbery gets close to her puss-inferno, it melts into a puddle. That would make George sad!

Here's Wonky still terrorizing Australia yesterday. KEEP HER!

I just did something very dangerous. Even the government warns against doing this. I just tried to read one of Courtney Love's blogs in a completely sober state. I feel like I need cuddle from a Pound Puppy to comfort me after attempting to read the whole thing. It's like trying to read spam. It makes no sense and you feel like you're committing some sort of crime by reading it.

There really needs to be a game show that challenges contestants to decipher Courtney Love's crack rants. It can be hosted by Joaquin Phoenix, because Courtney Love is speaking his thoughts.

You know, I'm trying to summarize this shit, but I don't think it's even possible! Especially since it's not even 7:30am in California. My one brain cell has called mercy.

I see the words "Kelly Ripa" along with a bunch of numbers and this sentence: "NOW FOR THE RECORD I HAVENT TAKEN A NARCOTIC OR HAD ANY ALCHOHOL FOR NPW OVER FIVE YEARS." If that shit is true, then it's probably a good time to go back to the crack.

Let's see if you can do any better. Court's entire post is after the jump. You might want to down a shot of something strong, like battery acid, before you start reading it. JUMP TO YOUR BRAIN'S DEATH!!!!

I really should use only use old pictures of celebwhores, because they are usually wearing much hotter outfits than they wear now and the picture quality is always so impeccable. It also makes me think that there was a time when they were just like us! They got their picture taken at the Sears portrait studio too. You know what pisses me off about family portraits like this? Why the fuck do they always have one kid look one way and the other kid the other. They pulled that shit on me and I couldn't understand why my sister got to look at the camera, but I had to look at some lame ass puppet the photo assistant was holding. Did they want our picture to look like an ABBA cover or some shit? Because unfortunately it didn't. It made me look like I was a special needs child who was going blind in one eye. Well, I guess that wasn't too far from the truth....

Anyway, hopefully Brit Brit wore this outfit to her brother's wedding on New Year's Eve, because that shit is the look. Our Lady of Cheetos traveled to New Orleans with her mastah and her Cheetolings to watch her big brother Bryan get married to Jamie Lynn's manager Graciella Sanchez.

A Spears married a Sanchez?! I really hope Graciella's abuelita was there. When Brit Brit was riding high on the crazy train, she really needed an abuelita in her life to set her straight. An abuelita would've slapped her with all her rings on, beat her with a switch and then made her some menudo for her to eat while watching novellas. The bitch would have been fixed just like that. That's why I hope Graciella's abuelita was at the wedding to make sure Brit Brit keeps her chonies and weave on in the future.

Source

Finally, a logical solution to the shrinkage problem....murder the cold. - TFBuckFutter

Runners-up:

In order to cut back on stealing, Amy Winehouse makes her nose gnomes mine coke naked - Provolone

In Alaska, they catch fish by cutting holes in the ice and dropping a worm down into the water. Dude, you DON'T need a hole that big. - rockylife1968

Erica Hill - Mah Boo's sidekick on Anderson Cooper's 360. I haven't really noticed this slut, mostly because my eyes are transfixed on Mah Boo like Wino on a rock, but a friend sent me this clip below of Erica on New Year's Eve getting V-tongued from some drunk douche on live TV. Erica handled it well, but she really should have given him the just jack off and blow job signal instead. It would've been like sign language fucking on live TV! Clip below: