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Someone close to Chelsy Davy should take her in to get a brain scan immediately, because something is not right up in there. She has quit Prince Hot Ginge. Beat me in the face with a boiled horse dick, because I am at a loss. The News of the World says Chelsy just could no longer "put up with his lifestyle" after 5 years together. This weak ass bitch. I could put up with a dozen Black Mambas biting at my ass if it meant I got to lick on Prince Hot Ginge's royal scepter and jewels. Homegirl really ain't right in the brain area.

A source said that Chelsy broke that shit off last week, "The couple had a lot of fun but the relationship has run its course. They are still on speaking terms but the relationship has ended."

Okay, I know that every time Hot Ginge opens his mouth, douchewater-covered shit nuggets come pouring out, but Chelsy just had to shut him up with her vagina. That's what I would do. Whenever he started to speak, I'd just shove my glazed donut hole in his mouth.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go submit my application video (shot in the bath tub, of course) for a spot in the British Army so I can get close to Hot Ginge. It's my duty as an American who loves ginger Brits. He needs comforting in his time of hurt and sorrow. And by "he" I mean his carrot peen.

Having a hip bone that pokes past your arms could come in handy. You could hang your little baggies of cokey from it. If there isn't a coat rack around, you can hang your jacket on that shit. And little kids can take turns swinging around on it. It has many fun and helpful uses. I would try and get my hip bone to stick out like that, but there's a problem. I like eating food. Yeah, I wouldn't be happy only eating pussy, meth, Diet Red Bull and nicotine. Okay, maybe just for a second (sans the puss), but then I'd miss apple fritters and macho nachos too much.

So, here's skinny ass HoHan trying to find size "BITCH EAT AN AWESOME BLOSSOM (OR 50)" while shopping with her sister Ali OLDhan, Ali's "suddenly there" titties and White Oprah in SoHo yesterday. The fact that you could wash your dirty clothes on HoHan's spine doesn't seem to bother White Oprah. She's too busy trying to spend that bitch's money!

And looking at these pictures really make me want to run to HoHan, grab her ass and use her to pole vault over something. 2012 here we come!

I woke up this morning craving an acid tab, but I don't need to go there anymore thanks to The Killers new video for "Spaceman!" This is the kind of shit I would've come up with when I was 7-years-old after playing with my Barbie, He-Man, She-Ra and My Little Pony dolls together in the backyard. I think they all make cameos in this video in some form or another. This is seriously like The Wiz meets Mad Max meets American Apparel and not in a sexy way.

You know, I would pull the lint out of Brandon Flower's belly button with my ass lips, but that "Venger from Dungeons & Dragons goes to a gay Mardi Gras party" has left me destroyed. But I do thank Brandon for keeping my round velcro mit from the 80s safe on his crotch.

Even 26-year-old rising fashion stars who designed Michelle Obama's inauguration dress punch us in the heart by using "over the moon." Yes, Jason Wu told the New York Times, “I was over the moon. I know I am an unusual choice for a first lady. I didn’t think it was my turn yet.”

When can we throw the phrase "over the moon" over the moon so it can never return. Isn't the moon sick of whores jumping over it? What about "over the dildo"? Or "over the peen"? Or "over the Spaghetti Cat"? Or "over Kristie Alley's bare nalgas"? Anything!

(Thanks Andrea)

This news makes me happy only because I get to use this For Keeps? poster. FINALLY. Nobody ever talks about that shit. They always bust nuts over Sixteen Candles, Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink and Townies. I wasn't serious about the last one. But I am serious about For Keeps? I mean, the movie has Molly Ringwald suffering from post-partum depression, the film debut of Pauly Shore, Conchata Ferrell and a local slut named Michaela (that shit excited me because we almost have the same name). Perfect. And if I got an STD for every time someone told me, "Young lady you need to learn how to keep your mouth shut and your legs crossed!," I'd be Parasite Hilton!

Anyway, Molly tells People that she has two babies laid up in her womb. One has a penis and the other has a vagina. She already has a 5-year-old daughter named Mathilda with husband Panio Gianopoulos. She's pushing her twins out in August.

It is Molly's duty AS Molly Ringwald to name her twins Darcy and Stan after For Keeps?. Or maybe Theodore and Theodosia after the baby's name in that shit. She has to.

And isn't it weird that Molly Ringwald is old now with a family and shit? She's one of those people that should never have been allowed to get old. She should be forever sixteen.

Stains from It's Me or the Dog - On The Soup last night, they made the crazy-eyed Stains a STAR! I would do the same shit with my eyes if some dumb whore put a plate of delicious cupcakes in front of me and told me not to eat them. Seriously, I think Stains was using his eyes powers to kill all the hos in the room so that he could be alone with that big plate of heaven. Or maybe he was devouring that shit with his eyes.

This is living thing abuse!!!! You don't big a plate of cupcakes in front of a bitch and tell them not to eat one. Cruel! Clip below:

Neil Diamond (68)
Mischa Barton (23)
Nicole Lenz (29)
Tatyana Ali (30)
Kyle Brandt (30)
Matthew Lillard (39)
Mary Lou Retton (41)
Natassja Kinski (50)
Yakov Smirnoff (58)
Gennifer Flowers (59)
Aaron Neville (68)
Ernest Borgnine (92)