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There's a vicious, vicious, vicious remake of Bonnie & Clyde currently in the works starring Hilary Duff and Kevin Zegers. If Satan was a chipmunk-fucking movie producer, he would be behind this slaughter party. Shit like this makes me want campaign for a drug free America, because whoever came up with this brilliant idea was definitely shooting up some of the bad, bad shit.

Faye Dunaway is in my box, because the Chicago Sun-Times says that when she was told about it, she said, ''Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?''

Hilary Duff's jumbo Chiclets were knocked out of her teeth after hearing those 8 beautiful words from Master Faye. That must have felt like a wire hanger up the ass. Hook first. The truth always destroys.

The last time we left ScarJo's singing career, she had just finished butchering a bunch of Tom Waits songs. Sad. I hope she gave them a good titty jiggle before they met their demise. Well, ScarJo's next victim is Jeff Buckley. ScarJo covered Jeff Buckley's "Last Goodbye" for that I NEED A MAN: The Jennifer Aniston Story movie. The only thing this bitch ScarJo should cover is her fucking mouth.

Okay, ScarJo's version doesn't make me want to fuck my ears with skewers, but it's just not worthy. The bitch has the emotional depth of a crotch crouton. This shit would make sense if it was packaged with a bottle of Nytol, a glass of lukewarm milk and one of those precious body hugging pillows. She sounds like a mouth breather who just overdosed on Tylenol PM. To sleep!

And who is ScarJo the song-butcher going to go after next? If she even tries to cover the legendary musical genius of my life known as Debbie Deb, then you better stay indoors because an out-for-blood homo will be on the loose.

VIA ONTD

TLC's Toddlers & Tiaras is a reality shit show about the creepy and fucked up world of child beauty pageants. These little girls make The Real Housewives look like low-maintenance natural beauties. These kiddies get spray tans, hair weaves and fake toe-nails glued on. By the time they are 12, they are going to have third-degree acne and their real hair is going to stop growing. They are also going to have permanent Joker smiles.

The real stars of the show are the weird ass parents. I feel like I knew each and every one of them in high school. They were the girls who ate boogers and asked everyone to smell her farts, but also auditioned for the cheerleading squad and campaigned for homecoming queen. They grew up and stopped eating their boogers, but still want to be the most popular girl in the room and that's why they whore out their girls in beauty pageants. They are living vicariously through them.

My favorite crazy parent is the multi-talented and charismatic Stacey Alley (above). I don't have to say much about her, because her awesomely amazing performance will tell you everything. It may also make your wet yourself so watch out for that.

Substitute her baton for an umbrella and Stacey would be straight out of RiRi's Umbrella video. Stacey didn't win the top prize, but I think the judges were secretly jealous of her professional moves and they were taking their jealousy out on her. H8RS.

Secondly, here's the ultra straight and ultra masculine David Perez. David is married to a biological woman with a vagina. The two somehow had intercourse and a daughter was conceived. David should win Miss Big Imagination in a pageant, because homegirl has amazing powers. He is able to turn his wife into Vin Diesel! I mean, how else did he fuck her? I need to stop. David is a bigger lady than I will ever be and I'm jealous of that.

Which young celebrity should be reported to the humane society? She made a big fuss over a new puppy a while back, bringing it everywhere with her. Then the dog got older and bigger and more unruly, and the novelty wore off. She stopped traveling with it, and after a few indoor accidents, stopped allowing it in the house. The poor pup now spends half its time completely alone in the backyard, sometimes without food and water for the day if the owner forgets about it. The other half of the time, it’s left in a kennel while the owner travels. (Blind Gossip)

The list is long for this one. Aubrey Ho'Day? Blake Lively? RiRi? Brit Brit?

Which married Oscar winner was caught pants- down in a club closet, getting naughty with a tranny? The waitress who walked in on the pair was so stunned, she dropped her drink tray. (Gatecrasher)

Helen Mirren, how could you? Sean Penn's face first hit me when I read this shit, but it could also be Cuba Gooding Jr.? And that is one damn dumb waitress for bringing drinks into a closet.

This celebrity couple has been together for a few years now. They have at least one child together. Earlier in their relationship, she had an affair, a baby was born, and the couple continued their relationship. As the child gets older, however, it is becoming more and more apparent that the child very strongly resembles the fling. In fact, if you compare the photos of the celebrity child to childhood photos of the fling, they look like two peas in a pod. And, yes, the fling is a celebrity too, although not as high profile as the celebrity couple. (Blind Gossip)

Xenu tells me to guess Tommy, Katie and Chris Klein?

This star tweener actress very recently had a procedure done which avoided the need for a shotgun wedding or awkward questions when doing her next press tour. It also probably saved her the explanation to her current boyfriend about why the baby was not going to look like him. (CDAN)

I was about to guess Jamie Lynn Spears, but then I got to the "press tour" part. That bitch don't work. Who is Miley Miley, Alex?

I guess older teenagers couldn't be found. This B list actress from a hit network drama and A list name recognition has been telling everyone that her latest boytoy is 21. To her closest friends she has admitted he is actually 19. This despite the fact she is in her late 30's. It probably wouldn't be an issue except for the fact that she knows that he is actually only 17. Oh, and to make it extremely cliche he is her pool boy and not a guy about to graduate from college as she has told everyone else. (CDAN)

Brenda Walsh? She better keep her young piece away from that skank Kelly.

(Thanks to Erin for picture)

Ooooooh shit! On last night's Nip/Tuck, Jennifer Coolidge returned as a ghetto-fied white rapper named Hot Coco with a track called YO STINK. It really should've been called I STOLE YO TRACK, because this shit was straight out of Wendy Ho's precious cunt. Same gorgeous hair. Same elegant ensembles. Same everything. But Wendy Ho did it first.

This hurts like hard constipation, because Jennifer Coolidge is a bitch that can make me laugh so hard until I punch myself in the throat. But Wendy Ho has this. In a rusty razor fight: Wendy would come out with not one new scratch on her body. Hot Coco better cover her face in Vaseline, because Wendy Ho is coming after her.

You be the Judge Judy. Above is Hot Coco's Yo Stink and below is Wendy Ho's Bitch, I Stole Yo Purse. Ring-a-ling-a-ling!

Thanks Bill

Today's "Face of Meth" is brought to you by Mischa Barton - Hollywood Rag

Ashley Scott forgot to put her dress on - Hollywood Tuna

Ricky Martin and his twinsies are walking in a gay winter wonderland - Towleroad

Ian Thorpe or a BBGB (big beautiful Gerard Butler)? - Just Jared

The ten peso question of the second: Why did Angie Jo wear her dress backwards? - UsWeekly

THAT BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT in Tokyo - Lainey Gossip

I don't know who Doutzen Kroes is, but she has nipples - Egotastic!

Arizona Iced Tea's douchiest spokeswhore - Popsugar

Hef's new twin hos are legal potheads (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Vintage Megan Fox - Popoholic

Beckham ass - Cityrag

Are you feeling too smart today? Do you want to feel dumber? Well, watch this entire video and your brain cells will quickly start exploding one by one. Before you know it, you'll be babbling incoherently just like Wonky and Lady CaCa.

This brain killing clip is of Wonky "interviewing" Lady CaCa in some rundown storage room (how fitting) at a club in London during a Nokia event. Wonky talks like she has a dick in her mouth, because she usually does. Lady CaCa talks like she just gargled with a gallon of cokey water (and swallowed a lot of it). But in her defense, being that close to Wonky makes you dumb. Scientific fact.

Seriously, a frozen dog turd and a Kim Zolciak's road kill wig could have a more intelligent conversation than these two fucktards.

And make sure to watch the 1:42 mark to see Wonky's "special needs gorilla" dance.

Here's some new pictures of Chester's favorite little Cheetoling from her official website of her practicing her "sexy awesome moves y'all" for her "I Know Karate & Karazy" world tour. If those sweats were any lower, I'd see her Cheetodingles.

You know, I tried to get tickets for that shit, but I need to be on the floor so I can fully take in all her Cheetoness. Most of the floor is standing only! Eff the fuck that! Standing is my least favorite thing to do. I'm one of those dudes that have been known to piss sitting down, because I'm too lazy to stand for 5 seconds. Even for Brit Brit. And I was totally going to make her a bouquet made out of Slim Jims.

So this is an open post where you can talk about Brit Brit's Cheetodingles or whatever the fuck your little black heart desires.

This is Jeana's son Shane without his shirt on. This is the only way Shane should go through life: topless with his mouth closed. Because when he opens his mouth, his hotness melts into a giant puddle of chunky diarrhea full of corn bits.

On last night's The Really Plastic Housewives of Orange County, Jeana and Vicki traveled to Illinois to watch Grouchy McPoopypants play minor league baseball. While they were driving to the game, Shane texted Jeana to not come because he wasn't playing. Well, his exact words were: "Stay the fuck away from here." Instead of playing minor league baseball, he was clearly playing a game of major league douchebaggery.

Jeana showed up anyway and Shane greeted his lovely mother by saying, "Get the fuck away from me!" Surprisingly, Jeana didn't respond to that by throwing him up in the air and using a bat to hit him out of the field Nope. She just shrugged and said, "That's kids!"

Shane's bid for a VIP spot on the short bus to hell continued later on at the restaurant. Shane and his other brother Colt kept verbally punching their mother in the bagina bone in front of everyone. Let's see, he said he wanted to hit her with a bat and also said he can't wait to pull the plug on her so he can have more money. Vicki and I were making the same faces as the rusty daggers flew out of Shane's mouth and into Jeana's heart.

Instead of threatening to hit his mom with a bat, Shane should shut his caca mouth and hit my no-no with his skin bat. Seriously. But you know, even I wouldn't touch that shit now. My peendar says he's got a soggy french fry dick and he's compensating for it by acting like a mega dick bag to his mom. Okay, I'm lying. I'd still hit it, but I'd call him a "really bad person" while he was tapping it from the back. Clip below:

A baked beans museum has opened in Port Talbot, South Wales! No, that's not Benji Madden with a mystic tan. It's Captain Beany and he has turned a room in his house into the first ever museum dedicated to the tiny fart makers. We should all quit this bitch and move to South Wales to open up a TUMS museum next to that shit. Or maybe an UnderEZ museum.

For the record, I can only eat baked beans over a hot dog and covered with melted cheese. But that's the only way I can eat most things.