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Mickey Rourke has a face only the inside of a toilet could love, but beasts need affection too. Once you put the constant dry heaving in check, Mickey probably knows how to do that shit right. I mean, he had to have learned something from 9 1/2 Weeks, right?

Well, Evan Rachel Wood thinks she's too fucking good for Chowderface Rourke. Miss My Twatty Lips Are Made Out Of Fine Crystal is pretty much offended by the rumors that she's licking on Mickey's pork rind peen. She told Rolling Stone, "I’m upset because I feel disrespected by the press and by Mr. Rourke. Just because I’m single doesn’t mean that you can take advantage of me. It’s unfair that the performances might suffer because of all of these distractions. I'm not attracted to him, he's too old for me. Nothing ever happened and nothing ever will."

Mickey didn't queef in her ear, so why she so mad at him? Or maybe he did and that's why she feels disrespected? Whatever. You know, I felt disrespected when I watched her butcher a few Beatles songs, but I smoked a bowl, slapped my a-hole and got over it. She should do the same.

And this bitch is delusional for sticking her nose up at Mickey when she has sucked on Marilyn Manson's baby powder-covered skelepeen. I'd take Mickey's stretched out mug over Marilyn Manson's anything any day.

Welcome to the real word, Asshole Kutcher. Little Ashton Kutcher posted a video this morning of him crying and whining after the construction workers next door woke him from his baby sleep at 7:30 in the morning. Ashy bitched that he's been dealing with it for six months and then called his neighbor a "jackass" and a "dickweed." I don't know who he's calling a jackass with that hat on.

After his video douche rant, Ashy took to updating his Twitter about the situation. He said his "SOB owl feces cougar placenta jack bone dick" was polluting the whole neighborhood with the noise.

Ashy's neighbor told TMZ that he's just acting "silly." You hear that, Ashy? You are silly! The man added that according to laws or something he has the right to start construction at 7 in the morning. The dude claims Ashton's dick bag kingdom took 10 years to build and everyone in the neighborhood had to put up with the noise.

Ashy later twittered that it was all a joke and he didn't really mean it, "I'm not saying im not pissed at the banging but common." Yeah, everyone. COMMON! Please, you know the dumb bitch just felt stupid that everyone was laughing at him for being such a whiny fool.

If he wants to hear real noise, he should move to fucking NYC. Recently I got woken up at 3 in the morning by some bitch on the street who was screaming that someone stole her pet ferret! No joke. Did I get weepy about it? No. I stuck my ears plugs in, blasted my dream soundtrack and continued dreaming about Rojo Caliente gently combing my hair.

And how long have we put up with the noise pollution coming out of Ashton's mouth hole? Yeah, consider this payback.

WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! This shit right here is pure dark-sidedness! Why in Croc hell would you buy your pet an evil cunt bed? Everyone knows that Crocs are personally made from the devil's hands and I this shit is no different. Just like the Cros that go on your feet, this will suck the soul out of any living thing that touches it. Before you know it, your pet will be shuffling around with dead eyes like it's a bitch on The Hills!

And they call this the Sasquatch Pet Bed! That's because it will stomp out your poor dog's innocent soul! Will someone please radio animal savior Annemarie Lucas! Her assistance is needed here.

Thanks Adrienne

Lady CaCa looks like she stepped out from an old episode HBO's Real Sex. Oh, how I love vintage Real Sex episodes. I like seeing how bitch's kept their private shit bushy and lovely in the early 90s.

Anyfamewhory, it was nice of Lady CaCa to actually cover up her disaster zone with a skirt. That way we don't have to witness her tampon's second escape attempt. It was also very kind of her to wear the outfit Hazmat provided her to protect her skeezerness from the rest of the world. However, I wish she would have also worn the matching face mask.

When she's done with that rubber skirt, she can give it to her best slut friend forever Wonky McValtrex. Wonky can use it as a dental dam. Yes, her toxic pussy is that wide.

Here's Lady CaCa frolicking around London last night. Remember, the famewhore gene keeps her warm.

Which cheesy reality star goes on $30K shopping sprees and returns all items the next day when she realizes she can’t actually afford them? (Gatecrasher)

There's a tightrope to bankruptcy... My final guess is the wig cemetery known as Kim Zolciak?

It looks like supermodels aren’t the only ones treating their household staff badly. An employee of a television star in the Los Angeles area has been talking about filing charges against their boss. The celebrity - known for their quick wit - is accused of some not-so-funny behavior, including serving the staff burned or spoiled food to eat, forcing them to work long hours without overtime pay, and refusing to allow them to seek professional medical attention when they injured themselves on the job. (Blind Gossip)

Goddamnit, Kathleen! I immediately thought of Kathy Griffin, but I don't know if she'd pull that shit.

Which celeb has a habit of inviting young ladies into posh hotel toilets with him to smoke and take drugs - so they can take the rap if he’s caught? (3am Girls)

ALL OF THEM. But I'll guess Russell Brand?

C list actress. I had to look her up on IMDb because I didn't recognize her name. I should have. Judging by her resume she has been on some very hit shows as a lead or co-star. They just are not shows I watch. One of the shows made someone an A lister, unfortunately it was not our actress. She is recently divorced and her husband is a major player in town. I remember when they got divorced but only because I knew his name. The rumor at the time was that the reason they divorced was that constantly cheated on her. Although I am very sure he was, she is not so innocent herself. At the same time he was cheating with everyone who jumped on his casting couch, she was showering her ex boyfriend with vast sums of money that she took from her husband. Whatever this guy wanted she bought for him. When the husband discovered this, it was over for the couple. Unfortunately for her, he had a very good pre-nup drawn up. Now, running out of money she and her ex-boyfriend troll through clubs looking for her next husband. (CDAN)

This one confuses me and I don't like it when my brain hurts. For some reason it also made me think of Vonda Shepard. She's not my guess, but I miss her. There was a never a person on TV that was as boring as Vonda and there never will be. Vonda! Vonda!

Image Source

Chick-to-dude tranny alert! Pete Wentz is proud of his old douchestache - Just Jared

Adriana Lima is nipple shy - Egotastic!

Ceiling Eyes at a gas station, but I'm more interested in those delicious snack pies - Hollywood Tuna

The ultimate British man looks like a stroke victim who was just hit with a piece of wood - Towleroad

Can Michael Lohan just drown in his own verbal vomit already? - Hollywood Rag

Joaquin Phoenix's craziness is authentic - Lainey Gossip

Twit and Twat go dignity shopping at the 99 Cent Store - Popsugar

John Cleese has quit his crazy menopausal Barbie doll - Daily Mail

There's a whore at the end of the rainbow (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Celebrity Fat Club - Cityrag

You would think that Jennifer Aniston would fall in love with any dude who had a pulse and a high sperm count. Well, she made an exception about the "pulse" thing for John Mayer. Jenny says she has some standards. She told Access Hollywood that she won't date a dude with a shag carpet attached to his back. She said, “I got to say, that’s a deal breaker. The occasional rogue hair, I can easily help that one out."

She's lying. If the dude told her his back hair was really a fertility field, you know she'd be scooting her vag all over that shit. And you can get Epilady to make a high-powered back plucker, Jen. Don't be so damn picky! Take a few hundred gallons of NADS to that shit. For the record: NADS is junk....so I've hard.

Jen's deal breaker reminds me of a dude I once had sexy talk with on the internet. He sent me a face picture and he was definitely worth washing my parts out for. We got to cyberfucking and then he warned me that he was kind of hairy. God gave me fingers to pluck pubes out of my mouth, so this didn't really bother me. And then he sent me a picture of him topless. The Harry and the Hendersons theme song started playing in my head. It would be like fucking a dead bear rug. And no, I didn't hit it. I don't want rug burns on my ass lips.

The title says it all. This is an open post where you can talk about whatever, but I hope you talk about this bitch falling on her face in a convention center (or wherever the fuck she is). I'm having a hard time putting this wonderful moment into words even though I've watched it eleventy times. I love seeing people eat floor, but seeing them eat floor while riding on a Segway is even better. Way better. And yes, I'll probably be ran over by a Segway sometime today for laughing at this shit, but it will be worth it.

VIA Buzzfeed

I didn't mean that in a McDonald's way. Okay, yes I did, but I also meant that Jessica Simpson is absolutely busting pussy Whoppers over all the attention she's getting about this FAT shit.

Last night during my nightly ritual of watching all those entertainment shows while eating a nutritious snack (a microwaved powdered donut with Hershey syrup on top), I almost chucked at all the Jessica Simpson coverage. That damn picture of her smothered crotch kept flashing on my screen. It almost made me quit my donut, but I could never do that. Not in this economy!

During one of the shows, they even showed a "Jessica Simpson body timeline." Fucking ridiculous. The only person I wanted to hear from about this subject was my mom. This is what she said: "Um....No. She's not fat. Just a little thick, maybe. A little big-boned. Kind of juicy. She could eat more vegetables." Case closed.

And you know Papa Joe hasn't left the house in days. He tries to, but he can't stop the orgasms from all the attention. It's like a sea of Papa Joe semen up in that house. He turns on the TV, sees Kathie Lee talking about his daughter and BOOM! There pops another one.

Anyway, here's Jessica frowning on the outside, but running through a meadow of Pop Tarts on the inside while arriving at some place in Virginia last night.

Mickey Rourke has a hatchetface perfect for the wrestling world, so I'm a little disappointed to hear that he's not going to pulverize opponents with his fug mug on WrestleMania 25. The rumors started when Mickey told E! at the MyFaceDontSAG Awards that he was going to tuck his roid rod into some sexy neon lyrca pants and get down at WrestleMania. Mickey even threatened Chris Jericho by saying, "You better get in shape because I'm coming after your ass." After he said that, Chris' ass cheeks shriveled into his asshole out of fear of coming nalgas to fug with Mickey.

Mickey's threat prompted all parties involved to bounce on Larry King. It was a good night for human virgins with pure blood, because Larry and Mickey were not out hunting them for nourishment. Instead, Mickey was busy taking a verbal beat down from Chris Jericho. Yeah, it's just an act. It's hard to take wrestlers seriously when they always talk in that "I so menacing" voice. Imagine Chris' sexy talk. It's probably a totally boner breaker. Instead of sounding like he wants to softly lick your puss, he probably sounds like he wants to punch and pin it down.

Shortly after Mickey's appearance on Larry King, his spokeswhore issued a statement denying that he was going to go pro. "Mickey was very honored to be asked, as he has the greatest respect for WWE. However, he will not be participating in WrestleMania. He is focusing entirely on his acting career."

Micky was probably just afraid that if someone slapped him the wrong way, his face would go flying off into the audience and that would embarrassing.