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Jennifer Garner released a baby into this black-hearted world sometime this afternoon. Jen and Ben already have a toothy 3-year-old they call Violet.

Jennifer's spokesbitch told People, "Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck gave birth to a healthy baby girl." The bitch did not fess up a name.

I'm really hoping they name their girl something meaningful. I'm thinking JLo? Or maybe Fishsticks? Or maybe Band-Aid? Or SavaMarriage? And if they are going to keep with the flower tradition, they better pick a hot flower name like Baby's Breath, Goldenrod, Honeysuckle, Morning Glory or Petunia.

But knowing these two boring boiled rutabagas, they gave her a memaw name like Rose, Ethel, Bertha, Gertrude or Myrtle. Oh shit. I really hope they named her Ethel. Nobody names their baby Ethel anymore! Come to think of it, nothing is named Ethel anymore. The next time you bring a baby, dog, cat, plant, rodent, cockroach, fish, homeless person or hooker into your home, you have to name them Ethel. The name must be kept alive!

Every night before Wonky McValtrex goes to bed, a dozen dicks slap her to sleep. It's the only way she can get a good night's rest. Well, one of the dicks slapped her in the head a little too hard, because the dirty cooch is talking crazy.

In the new issue of Britain's Glamour Magazine (via SS), Wonky says, "I've only done it with a couple of people. People make up stories, but mostly I just kiss. I think it's important to play hard to get. Nobody wants the fake Prada bag; they want the brand new bag that no one can get and is the most expensive. If you give it up to a guy he won't respect you; he'll want you much more if he can't have you."

Nobody wants the bag that will make your genitals foam at the hole and that's exactly what Wonky's bag will do. And what she really meant to say before the rude interviewer cut her off is, "A couple of people........in my snatch at one time." She's really modest, though. Wonky could fit at least a couple of NFL teams up in there without lube. EASY.

There's no way she could have meant "a couple of people." Whores who have to duct tape their vagina together haven't only fucked just "a couple of people."

If someone calls me a "skank," I respond with, "Why, thank you." Not Liskula Cohen. That skank bitch responds with a lawsuit!

Liskula is a 36-year-old model who has worked for Vogue, Giorgio Armani and Versace. One of Liskula's arch rivals started a blogged called SKANKS in NYC devoted to trashing her.

The blog's 5 posts, all made back in August, features pictures of Liskula acting like a slut (I didn't say skank). The anonymous blogger also wrote such gems as: "I would have to say that the first place award for "Skankiest in NYC" would have to go to Liskula Gentile Cohen. How old is this skank? 40 something? She's a psychotic, lying, whoring, still going to clubs at her age, skank."

Liskula filed a lawsuit in Manhattan court to force Google and Blogger to reveal the identity of the bitch who thinks she's the #1 skank in NYC.

She told the NYDN, "It's petty, it's stupid and it's pathetic. And when I do find out who did this, at least I'll know who my enemies are."

This fucking pisses me off! I fuck my ass off to be called the #1 Skank in NYC and this ho doesn't even want the title! Fuck! What the hell is a skank supposed to do?! How can I out-stank NYC's #1 Skank?!

And by the way, when I use the words "skank, whore, bitch, slut, cunt, skeezer, heifer, etc...," I don't mean it the way everyone means it. What I really mean is that you are a fine person with pure genitals and the highest of morals. So you don't have to worry about calling your lawyer. You stupid SKANK!

For a quick second, I thought the magnificent Shiba Inu 6 would make your hearts grow back, forcing you to vote for them to win, but this did not happen! Rojo Caliente won over 50% of the votes. This was the right choice. Rojo is now the final Hot Slut of the Month and the first part of voting will begin tomorrow to determine who is the hottest slut who ever slutted (during 2008 anyway).

Thanks to all who voted!

Celebwhore relationships are like ass pimples. When you pop one, another one grows in its place shortly after. Yesterday, two Hollyweird couples went bust, and today another announced they are gettin' married!

Alyssa Milano's spokeswhore told People that she's engaged to some Shrek-beast-type-man who goes by the name of David Bugliari. I shouldn't say that. I'm sure he's a wonderful person. And by "wonderful person" I mean he probably has a big peen. Although, it kind of looks like he has a hairy dick trunk. That's what my peendar tells me anyway.

Dave is an agent at CAA. They've been dating for about a year. If they go through with this shit, it will be Alyssa's second marriage.

Alyssa is only 36 (that still makes me feel old) so she still has time for her third, fourth and fifth marriage. And she's also smart in the brains for marrying an agent. If you're a has-been, you should either marry an agent, marry an Arab billionaire, leak a sex tape or humiliate yourself in a reality show. The first two are definitely your classiest options.

Brody Jenner's new douchemance. But he'll have to share with the pre-op on the left - Towleroad

Jim Carrey should be wearing the bikini - Egotastic!

Three fugs in a row - Hollywood Tuna

Jakey and I feed our dogs the same shit! Meant to be.... - Popsugar

Goop talks poop - Hollywood Rag

Hot trash picking up trash - Just Jared

Shenae Grimes is a fucking idiot (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Hugh Jackman in lethah - Lainey Gossip

Elephant and dog: a beautiful love story - Cityrag

Cameron Diaz would look prettier if she was holding that bag higher - I'm Not Obsessed

I wish they would say "Bye Bye" to this idea - SOW

Tim Allen is having a baby - ICYDK

John Mayer totally wants to lick Pete Wentz's clitty - Celebitchy

This will be even better than Tempestt Bledsoe's talk show - Socialite Life

Holly, Kendra and Bridget have been replaced by 19-year-old twins, Karissa and Kristina, and now 22-year-old Crystal Harris (the skeezer in the headband). Over the holidays, Crystal apparently went on E!'s message boards and told everyone she was now on Hef's payroll as his third hooker. The NYDN says Crystal, a San Diego State psychology student, wrote, "Hef gave me permission to fill people in on the new updates as a voice from the mansion."

She also said that right now Hef just has three whores, but "there are a couple that we have interest in. ... As for now, it is just us three."

Crystal hasn't been in Playboy yet, but she has bared her Ziploc sacks for the website. Click here to see her precious MySpace. It looks like the brain of an 12-year-old girl created it. Oh wait...

I'm getting a total Kendra vibe from the new ho. Well, if Kendra swallowed Holly and Bridget whole and had trouble digesting them.

And it makes sense why Hef always needs three skanks on staff. He needs one to pull his right prune cheek, one to pull the left and the third ho gets in there and wipes him up real good.

This is a new feature we're going to try out today. If it works out, this shit will be here every day with a new host. If it FAILS, we will forget this ever happened and never speak of this again. EVER!

Many of you commenters want to talk about shit I don't cover on this here site and are too lazy to register on the forum, so that's why I created this little space. You can talk about whatever the fuck you want like Gordon Ramsay's sun-dried tomato face, boring political shit, your boyfriend's chunky jizz, etc... etc.... Just keep all your off-topic banter here and follow the same rules: no racist caca and if you fight, don't leave marks. Happy ranting!

Over the Christmas break, I spent ten gazillion hours watching the Golden Girls marathon on Lifetime from my mom's couch. It made me wish I could have these memaws in my life every single day and now it's possible with the Golden Girls dolls! Except, they're sold out. Fuck! My! Dreams!

My friend Guy sent me over this site which features all sorts of dolls of beloved characters from TV and cinema. Usually, dolls make me scream for my mommy, but these Golden Dolls don't. Although, the Bea Arthur doll sort of makes me uncomfortable since it looks like she's coming to tear my head off and stuff it into her mouth. Okay...maybe I do need my mommy.

Click here to see the rest of the dolls including the extremely horrifying Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? dolls. Satan does exist! And the Nicole Kidman Moulin Rouge doll looks more life-like than the real thing.

P.S. - The doll artist also does commissions! A Rojo Caliente doll can finally be mine! They already have a Chicken Cutlets doll!

Before we get into this tragic tale of getting beat down at the Vadge concert, can we discuss the picture above. Is that mega peen or pocket gas? If it's the former, Patrick Wolf has just earned a place on my "No-No's Most Wanted" list. I can ignore his Tinkerbell fell in a dumpster look as long as the peen is major.

Okay, so if you're going to a Vadge concert, you should expect to be surrounded by shiny gayness. The gayness in the air should be so thick that you'll start to cough up glitter. That's not the case and singer (and frequent guest on my iTunes playlist) Patrick Wolf learned this the hard way.

In an interview with Electroqueer, Patrick said he was trying to get a little sugar from his boyfriend at Vadge's gun show, when he was told by security that he needs to stop that funny shit, because prudes were bitching about it. Patrick said:

"Three songs in, me and my man were kissing and there were loads of conservative straight couples around us that complained. And then the bouncers came up to me and said, 'Can you stop that? This is a family venue.' No joke...

The bouncer said, 'You know we can do this the easy way or the violent way' and I said, 'I'm staying so you do whatever you want.' And then they just grabbed both of us. We were beaten up outside Wembley, handcuffed. These guys were like football bouncers. The police came and it just went on and on and on. My man's face covered in blood. I couldn't move for like a month. I had to lie in bed on painkillers for ages. They totally twisted my arm and my legs - it was just mad.

They are currently researching the CCTV - it's just really nuts. We basically got beaten up by the police. You know it means I can't be bothered to listen to Madonna ever again - which is good because it means I have more time for better music. You live and you learn.

You get into scraps with bouncers the whole time, but that was one step up because there were like seven of them and they just wanted to have a go because they were bored. There was a lot of quite homophobic shit going down which I was really pissed about seeing - it was a Madonna concert, y'know!"

Now I have another reason to never go to a Vadge show again! The first reason is that I really don't want to take a second mortgage on my mom's house to buy a ticket. And now I've learned that if you go, you might end your night in an hospital where you have to shit in a bag because you got your ass kicked so badly. It's bad enough that I have to go caca in a bag in the comfort of my own house, but in a hospital with everyone watching? Too much.

Seriously, how is the Vadge show a family event? CPS better come knocking on your screen door if you take your kids to that shit. Who cares about the cursing and sex! It's her Gremlin-crotch that will give your children night terrors for the rest of their lives. They'll wake up screaming about the toothy clit coming to get them!

Thanks Emily