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Terrible news for those of you whores who coochie cream over Michael C. Hall. He went off and got himself married to the chick who plays his sister on Dexter. Ew! You're boning your sister! Seriously now, his spokesbitch told E! that they did the deed on New Year's Eve in Big Sur, CA.

Michael, 37, and Jennifer Carpenter, 29, have been dating on the down low for about a year and a half. They are expected to walk the red carpet as man and wifey this Sunday at the Golden Globes.

Dexter is not a member of my Tivo queue family, but I was all about Six Feet Under. David Fisher is married to Keith Charles! Not this stick bug lady!

P.S. - Let's all clap for that hot Asian girl in the picture above. She's giving us face.

Ever since I started wearing pants, my hand has been down them, because that shit is my favorite thing to do. It's not even a "thing" anymore. It's a way of life. My mom calls it the "Al Brady." Yes, she means the "Al Bundy," but she gets her TV hos mixed up. Seriously, I do it all the time. It's not a sexual thing, you nasty bitch! It's not like my finger is up my ass. Well, not usually. It's just comforting keeping my hand right above my crotch area. Although, my slutty hand does travel a little too far south sometimes, but only to say "hey."

And just like Mickey Rourke, I even do that shit in public. But I always do it without thinking. When I'm waiting to cross the street or something like that, sometimes my hand will just creep into my pants out of habit. Whoever I'm with will usually call me a nasty perv and tell me to never leave the house again, but it's not like it's obscene!

In fact, I'm glad Mickey Rourke did it at the Critics Choice Awards last night. It distracts from his chilaquiles face.

I haven't seen the alleged epic kangaroo shit pile known as Australia, so I can't comment on Nicole Kidman's performance in it, but I can comment on her FACE. The face that is thisclose to looking exactly like Julie Masking. This is probably what made Nicole so uncomfortable while watching her own movie.

In an interview with a Australian radio station 2DayFM (via LA Times), Nicole said, "I can’t look at this movie and be proud of what I’ve done. But I thought Brandon Walters and Hugh Jackman were wonderful. It’s just impossible for me to connect to it emotionally at all."

Change out the word "movie" with the word "mug" and then she's finally speaking the truth. Oh and while you're doing that, also drop the "it" and add an "anything." There, fixed.

Nicole also said, "I sat there, and I looked at Keith and went, 'Am I any good in this movie?' "

She went on to tell Keith, "Um. Can you just give your answer in words, because I can't see your face. The light beams from your shiny highlights keep ricocheting back and forth off my forehead."

Personally, I don't think Nicole Kidman is a shit actress. But it's probably hard to convey raw emotion when your eye ball falls out every time you try to move a muscle in your face.

Shitty news for a Friday afternoon. Patrick Swayze was hospitalized for pneumonia. Ugh. I hate pneumonia. I even hate the name.

Patrick was scheduled to attend an event at the Television Critics Association in Los Angeles today for his new show The Beast. A&E's president told reporters, "Patrick Swayze has checked himself into the hospital. However, he asked us specifically to go forward with today's panel. We wish him the very best with his recovery."

Patrick, who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last year, recently told Barbara Walters in an interview that he's going through hell. And now this. 2009 was supposed to be better.

Send a million and more good thoughts to Patrick....

Round 2 wasn't even close. Spaghetti Cat proved that even though his creators have died (see below), he will go on! SC noodled off (I know, but he doesn't run) with 67% of the votes leaving Michelle Duggar's super snatch behind. Now on to our third round. The slut who wins this round will go on to dick fight Spaghetti Cat and La Pequena in the final finals. Here are your choices:

September: Abandoned Couch - Seriously, it's an abandoned couch. That's it!
October: Clara Meadmore - The 105-year-old virgin! And she's still alive!
November: Kim Zolciak - Fake cancer survivor and the place where wigs go to die.
December: Rojo Caliente - No explanation needed.

I swear, Abandoned Couch is going to pull some shit. I know it! Seriously, I know most of you don't have hearts, so vote with your genitals. It will point you to the right choice. Voting is in the sidebar to the right. The final slut in the finals will be announced sometime tomorrow. You know, whenever I feel like getting my lazy ass out of bed.

Today's caption picture and this mess were separated at the collagen needle - Popsugar

I fear for Amanda Bynes' head. It looks like it's going to roll right off - Egotastic!

RiRi can make Chris Brown bust one just from flashing her eleventyhead - Just Jared

But can I call him Big Pepaw? - Towleroad

Rumer looks like Carrot Top's peen with attached fire bush. I'd hit it - Lainey Gossip

Sherlock Holmes himself also landed in Brooklyn - Cityrag

Another good reason to petition for the immediate wiring of Pete Wentz's jaw - Hollywood Rag

Some girl pissing on the street. Enough said (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Twit and Twat have black belts in douchebaggery - Hollywood Tuna

The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet is responsible for bringing us the life-changing Spaghetti Cat into our world. For that we will forever be grateful. Now that they have served their purpose, they are shuffling off to take a permanent dirt nap. They've been canceled after 2 years. This time, Spaghetti Cat weeps for them.

One of the HBICs of Twentieth Television blamed money problems. I'm sure Spaghetti Cat could have spot them a few, but you know how cheap that pussy is. He won't even buy sauce for his noodles.

Now that there's a time slot open, Twentieth TV needs to do the right thing and put a Mike & Juliet spin-off in its place: The Happy Fun Time Spaghetti Cat Hour Of Power!

Source: THR

Thanks Becky

Our fourth open post host is Suri's cabbage patch doll. She'll make a good host, because she'll bitch out if you get out of hand. Trust me. She can speak. And she can bite.

You know, I'm really upset with my 5-year-old self for not being smart enough to keep all my Cabbage Patch dolls in their original boxes. I could have sold that shit on eBay and pursued my dreams of becoming a bar girl in Thailand. Wait. Scratch that. I just looked up some 80s Cabbage Patch dolls on eBay and those things don't sell for shit! Okay, I'm not mad at my 5-year-old self.

Enough with my ranting! It's your turn. This is where you can talk about how you hate my 5-year-old self or whatever else you want. It's open, so you don't have stay on topic. Happy ranting!

Real talk. Those girls in the back are going crazy for the Shiba Inu puppy. They don't even notice Kelly Osbourne, because Shiba Inus are the new Jonas Bros. And they have better howling voices and aren't ashamed to lick their genitals out in the open. I know Kelly's puppy isn't a member of the Shiba Inu 6, but seeing his face still made me go on over to their old home on the web. Do me a favor, don't go there! It's so fucking depressing. It's missing six PUPPIES!!! trying to commit first-degree murder on each other. The empty Shiba Inu puppy cam is what the inside of my heart looks like.

Peta has once again pulled a WTF by launching a campaign urging whores to start calling fish "sea kittens" so that we won't want to eat them anymore. The catfish of the world are staging a protest. They are the only pussies with gills.

Whatever the hell you call that shit, I'm still going to enjoy a hot plate of "sea kitten and chips" every damn week.

Peta thinks that people don't like fish (Rosie, Ellen, SamRo not included) very much, so they started a website in hopes of changing their image. Peta says on the website, "Nobody would hurt a sea kitten! People don't seem to like fish. We're going to start by retiring the old name for good. When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it's time for a serious image makeover." They also asking hos to sign a petition asking the US Fish and Wildlife Service to stop the promotion of sea kitten hunting (aka fish hunting).

Peta's sea kitten really looks like a pussy eating a fish. It's the new lesbian mascot! Seriously, it does sound like a lezzie sex act done in the bathtub or pool.

You know, I'm going to give this whole "sea kitten" thing a shot, because I'm into making waiters uncomfortable. But if I order the grilled sea kitten and they bring me something with fur and whiskers on it, I'm going to flour bomb Peta.

And when I googled "sea kitten," this is the first picture that came up. Sea kitteh not so cute.

VIA Jezebel