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You might have already read about pet "teacup pigs" being all the rage right now. So, of course, Parasite Hilton had to get on that by dropping $4,500 for her very own micro piggy from Oregon. Wonky's new toy has already arrived and she named her "Miss Pigelette." Apparently, unlike Wonky, Miss Pigelette is already potty-trained.

Wonky's spokesbitch said: "Paris is thrilled! She is a major animal lover and is excited for the arrival of her new piglette."

Just because Wonky is always in the doggy-style position doesn't make her a "major animal lover."

Poor piggy is going to get bullied around by Wonky's crotch crustaceans! They are going to nip at it and force it to hide underneath the sofa. And if that's not bad enough, the swine probably has the Wonky Flu by now. Why isn't Peta parachuting into Wonky's house to save that piglet!

Speaking of "poor creatures in distress," here's Wonky at the opening of Carnival in NYC the other night with a chimp. Why is that chimp kissing on Wonky? Doesn't he know where her mouth has been?! Free clinic, here he comes. Sad faces all around.

Here's a little tale that will tickle your tonsils and make your genitals pass out. Some source (*cough*Tommy's dildo cleaner*cough*) told OK! Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) that Stepford Katie is helping her alien master lose some chunk in his titties by giving sex to him any chance she gets. I tried picturing these two assholes rubbing on each other, but all I got was a 404 error. Katie does not have the hard drive needed to make Tommy's pussy pucker. Does not compute.

Just for farts and giggles, let's see what the source had to say about this shit: “Tom had been complaining about how hard it is to keep off the pounds, so Katie vowed to help him out. Katie read somewhere that you burn up 600 calories just by having sex three to four times a week. So she’s told Tom to think about how much they’d burn up if they put daily sex sessions on their schedule! Tom thinks the sex order is the best part of Katie’s diet plan, and he’s promised to up the bedroom romps whenever they are in the same town just for the sake of his diet!”

The only way Katie can help Tommy lose 600 calories instantly is by thrusting her robovag and jiggling her bits at him. That will make Tommy vomit from every orifice. Cue Jack Nicholson shouting, "You can't handle the cooch!"

Here's a few pictures of Tommy butching it up on the set of Wichita in Boston yesterday. What Village People song do you think is playing in his head? I'm going to go with a medley of "Macho Man/Can't Stop The Music."

Usher and Tameka Foster can also act like two spoiled toddlers fighting over the prime spot in the sandbox. Move over Jon & Kate....

TMZ says that Usher had to call the cops on his estranged wife, because he caught her scratching up his car. When the po po arrived, Tameka had already busted out of there. Usher also had to call 911 a second time, because Tameka refused to leave his property.

Usher thinks that Tameka scratched up his truck, because they had a fight over the custody of their children the night before. The day after the fight, Tameka showed up at his house demanding to see the kids. The kiddies were at his mother's house. When Tameka left, Usher immediately drove his ass over to his mom's house. Tameka was already there, banging on the door and acting the fool. Usher called the cops, but Tameka busted out of that bitch before they arrived. The next day, Usher found his truck all scratched up. SANTIO DIOS!

Tameka is scratching up the wrong thing. Tameka should be scratching up Usher's credit card by buying everything from dick on Craigslist to booze by the bulk. Seriously, when are these bitches going to realize that it's much more fun just to sick back, smoke a bowl, pop on HSN and spend his money. Scratching cars in the middle of the day sounds exhausting!

The Sun is saying that Amy Wino went off to a clinic in London last week, and not because she had the drug ills. No, they say she went in to get a pair of £35,000 plastic titty sacks installed in her chest area.

One source said that Wino has gone from a 32B to a 32D, "She looks amazing, like a new woman. Amy told us she wanted a new look - it's all part of her fresh start for her big comeback. We all feared she'd fallen off the wagon when she came in. Then we saw her bouncing around with these huge boobs which stand out as she's so tiny and skinny."

Apparently, Wino decided to pump up the volume on her chichis for her big comeback (AGAIN) on tonight's Strictly Come Dancing. Wino will sing back-up for her 13-year-old protege and goddaughter Dionne Bromfield. But since this is Wino we're yapping about, there's a chance she may not even show up.

While I am a big fan of oversized Tupperware titty balls, I'm not sure if this was a wise move for Wino. I mean, how is she going to slap bitches and chase after paps with two giant fake breasts in her way? Although, maybe Wino had a genius idea and filled her sacks with silicoke. When Wino squeezes a nipple, out comes a dollop of the bad shit. Expect Blohan to get a pair in 3..2..

In case you haven't heard from the crazed screaming tweens (and pedos) running down your block with tears in their eyes and blood on their wrists, Miley Cyrus left Twitter. Yes, this is a devastating blow to the spirit of this country, but we must move on as a people! However, Billy Ray Cyrus didn't take it so well. Right after his daughter signed off for good, he jumped on his Twatter and begged her to come back. This shit will give you the achy-breaky barfs.

Maybe the Twitter executives promised Billy Ray a lifetime supply of peroxide and highlight caps if he brought Miley back. Or maybe Billy Ray just doesn't know how he's going to spend his nights now that Miley is no longer Tweeting webcam pictures of herself and her friends. Yeah, that's the ticket.

But Billy Ray now understands why Miley made the OMGWTF important decision to dump her Twatter thanks to this rap video she made. I'm too old for this video. Actually, we're all too old for this shit. WARNING: This might make you want to bust into a "Goodbye Internet" rap.

Didn't Miley learn anything from the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie? Chipmunks should never ever rap.

Gloria Loring - Gloria is best known to me for playing chanteuse Liz Chandler on Days of Our Lives. But Gloria is much more than a magical bubble in the soap opera world. Gloria has had several adult contemporary hits that I'm sure your mother listens to when she cleans out the refrigerator on a Sunday morning. Gloria also co-wrote the theme songs for Facts of Life and Diff'rent Strokes with her then husband Alan Thicke. It really takes a special genius to come up with those lyrics. And yes, Gloria is the mother of Robin Thicke, so she's semi-responsible for bringing his "castrated Justin Timberlake on helium" voice to this world, but we won't hold that against her.

Below is Gloria serenading the residents of Salem at Doug's Place:

(For Tanya)

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