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Michael Lohan has already burped about how he's going to stage an intervention for LiLo, because she's gobbling up pills like a late 80s popstar who was recently sent to the back of the unemployment line. Well, now Michael is saying he knows exactly who LiLo's bad shit supplier is and he's going to git him.......as soon as he finishes yapping for dollars.

Michael, who thinks he's a regular Detective La Toya (AS IF), told Radar, “This guy follows Lindsay all over the place. All over. Lindsay pays for him to go everywhere. He has no job. No job. He does nothing. All he does is supply everyone in LA.”

Since Michael was keeping his meter warm, Radar wanted to know his thoughts on White Oprah's comments about how LiLo never talks to him. Michael said, “I feel really bad that Dina would have to stoop to that level and say those things. I really think she is a beautiful person. If I was estranged from Lindsay, why is it that before she went away to Japan, when she was robbed, that she called me and I was the one who flew out there, who worked with the police, and who stayed with her?”

Michael Lohan is the worst. THE WORST (next to White Oprah). No wonder his entire family has the crazies running through their veins. If you had Michael Lohan barking at you, you would be pouring fake tan grease into your ear to deafen the sound.

And when Michael Lohan catches up to LiLo's pusher, he should ask him for something strong that will make his lips go numb PERMANENTLY.

Here's a little preview of Gay Al's appearance on TV One's "Life After" which airs this weekend. In the clip (which has a cameo by Jane Velez-Mitchell!!!), Gay Al briefly talks about the rumors that he goes cuckoo for cock and how his relationship with Star Jones is "tender." TENDER!

My prostate went weak when he said that. I mean, I think he's really talking about his precious pearl lips. When that happens to me, I just marinate them in a bowl of burn cream, put a warm compress on them, sing them an acoustic version of "You Light Up My Life," and then plump them back up with a dab of cinnamon sugar.

VIA Crunk + Disorderly

This year, TyTy brought in $30 million from America's Next Top Model, The MEMEMEME Show, and her other TV projects. Katherine Hagel brought in $18 million for Grey's Anatomy and that movie about ugliness she did with Gerard Butler.

TyTy and Hagel both topped Forbes' annual list of the highest paid chicks in prime-time television. While the wig and tobacco industries send both of them a "thank you" basket for single-handedly keeping them alive, all of us will shake our heads. If you shake your head hard enough causing it to fall off and roll across the room, send your hospital bill to TyTy and Hagel. Those bitches can afford it.

I know I should be proud of Hagel for proving that being a major cunt pays off, but I just can't! I sort-of (not really) can understand why TyTy queefs hundred dollar bills, but I still can't wrap my brain around Hagel making 18 million clams. So many layers of NOT RIGHT. Here's the full list:

1. TyTy - $30 million
2. Hagel - $18 million
3. Marg Helgenberger - $9.5 million
4. Eva Longoria Parker - $9 million
5. Mariska Hargitay - $8.5 million
6. Julia Louis-Dreyfus - $8 million (tie)
6. Maura Tierney - $8 million (tie)
8. Tina Fey - $7 million
9. Marcia Cross - $6.2 million
10. Jennifer Love Hewitt - $6 million

VIA Radar

Long before January Jones was on Mad Men, she dated Mr. Demi Moore himself Ashton Kutcher. In the new issue of GQ, January says that Ashton pissed all over her dreams of an acting career by telling her to quit because she was never going to make it.

January said, "He was not supportive of my acting. He was like, 'I don't think you're going to be good at this.' So—fuck you! He only has nice things to say now—if anything, I should thank him. Because the minute you tell me I can't do something, that's when I'm most motivated."

Yes, acting advice from the dumbass who was in Dude, Where's My Car?. This just proves that you should never open up your ear to Ashton. The dude may be a hot piece (depending on how stoned you are), but dirty douchewater tends to pour out of his mouth regularly.

Open up your vagina hole to Ashton, but don't open up your ear hole. The latter is way too painful.

And here's January showing Ashton what's what by showing off her titty balls. Even though she's bringing the chichiness, these pictures aren't that great. January looks a little bored. Hell, even her boobies look bored.

A Pennyslvania judge has demanded that Ed Hardy's down-low lover Jon Grosselin has to return $180,000 of the $230,000 he snatched from his joint checking account with Kate Gosselin. An arbitrator will determine what happens to the remaining $55,000.

Jon has until October 26th to pay up or he has to face the judge again for contempt. I'm sure the judge will punish Jon by making him sleep without his Ed Hardy pillow person.

Kate issued this statement to TMZ: "As difficult as this has been for me, I am pleased that the Court has ruled fairly on behalf of myself and my children. Now that this matter has been ruled on, I look forward to returning to private arbitration, as we have agreed to do, to resolve any remaining issues."

As much as it pleases my soul to know that Kate's rabid possum will get to eat live mice again, I'm a little concerned. How is Jon going to pay his fancy lil' lawyer now? If Jon can't pay his fancy lil' lawyer, how is his fancy lil' lawyer going to maintain his fanciness? No more fancy hair plugs. No more fancy fake tanning. No more fancy Louis Vuitton business woman purses. No more fancy lil' boy suits from Brooks Brothers. No more fancy lifts. And no more fancy 14k gold thongs (you know he wears that shit). Insert fancy sad face here.

That famewhore Khloe Kardashian will do whatever it takes to get into someone's shot! Shameless - I'm Not Obsessed

Did Leighton Meester record her new song after morning sex? - Popsugar

Marky Mark must be insanely jealous (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

For the Jennifer Aniston in all of us - Towleroad

JLola's armpits..... - Just Jared

Marisa Miller completely covered up in a burka. No, she's wearing a bikini as usual - Egotastic!

One false move from JLove's ass, and bits of spandex leggings will go flying - Hollywood Tuna

Tania Mcintosh's tribute to Stephen Gately - Holy Moly!

Zach Braff is not dead - SOW

The dirty dick fight between Christy Brinkley and Peter Cook is not over yet - Popeater

Why is Justin Timberlake turning into your dad? - Lainey Gossip

JLola has armpits and isn't afraid to show 'em - Just Jared

That picture of Jamie Foxx you may or may not have dry humped is completely real - Celebitchy

Amy Wino has a new boyfriend who is probably made out of crack smoke and only shows himself when she rubs her pipe three times - ICYDK

The Terminator hates the paps - Superior Gossip

Kim Kardashian proves that she should be the newest member of Mensa by pumping her own gas - Hollywood Rag

Barbie loves to bump "ambiguous crotch areas" with other Barbies - Cityrag

Remember that one video of Seth Green freaking out like a leprechaun who lost his rainbow on the set of some commercial? And the one of him getting mugged in some parking lot? Well, your brain might have already barfed up that important information, but in case it hasn't, you should know that it was viral marketing for Butterfinger. Yeah, Butterfinger has replaced a tiny yellow boy creature with a tiny ginge boy creature. Homer better choke a bitch over this.

The videos are part of some contest for Butterfinger. They released this statement of words:

Someone has laid a finger on Seth Green`s BUTTERFINGER. Nestlé USA today announced the launch of "Dude, Where`s My Bar?" an innovative online narrative game for consumers to help solve the mystery surrounding the October 2 theft of Green`s vintage Butterfinger bar. The "lite" alternate reality game starring Seth Green will call upon the clever, irreverent thinking of Butterfinger fans, as they compete to find and solve clues that could lead to the return of Green`s
missing bar and a one-of-a-kind grand prize: a solid-gold Butterfinger bar worth $10,000.

Green, a lifelong Butterfinger fan, was announced recently as the official Butterfinger Mouthpiece, in conjunction with the brand reintroducing its tagline "Nobody`s Gonna Lay A Finger On My Butterfinger." Green collaborated with Butterfinger to produce "Dude, Where`s My Bar?" using comedy and the real world as a platform. Dubbed an "alternate reality game lite" (ARGL), DudeWheresMyBar.com propels fans into an entertaining storyline created by the comedic genius of Green and the one-and-only iconic candy bar brand. "Dude, Where`s My Bar?" combines the innovations of a multi-platform narrative game with video vignettes featuring Green and co-starring actors Sean Cullen, Stuart Pankin and Jon Wellner.

"Butterfinger has long been associated with clever, irreverent humor," said Butterfinger marketing manager Daniel Jhung. "Leave it to this brand to serve up the first-ever consumer packaged goods ARG with a light, Butterfinger twist."

There you have it. You can go back to not caring.

And I bet that Seth's peen kind of looks like a bite-sized Butterfinger after a sloppy butt fuck party. I'm sorry.

Mel Gibson was at the Today show this morning to shoot more scenes from that beaver movie with Cherry Jones (who recently broke up with her main beaver -- sad face), Jodie Foster and Matt Lauer. I'm sure human resources was on hand to make sure Matt Lauer kept his hairy beaver jokes to himself. Matt's "sexual harassment" file is way too thick for another complaint.

You know, this is the happiest I've seen Mel in a long time. Usually, dude has the grouches in a serious way. Either Mel's body is attached to a catheter filled with blessed bourbon, or he just really loves having a beaver attached to his hand at all times. I'm going to go with the latter, because Mel loves it that he has finally found a beaver that won't/can't run away from him.

SamRo has basically closed her eyes, ears, fingers and mouth to Lindsay Lohan, so what's a pill-pooping (typo and it stays) crazy to do? LiLo had no choice but to hop on her Twitter to cry about how SamRo's family is pussy-blocking her and stealing her shine. Or something.

Lilo, who is a graduate of Courtney Love's School of Incoherent Tweets, needs to stop freebasing an entire bottle of NyQuil while Tweeting. I mean, calling SamRo "brilliant"? My 6-year-old cousin will go to sleep with a smile tonight when I tell him that the ho from Herbie: Fully Loaded thinks he's brilliant, because he also knows how to make a playlist on iTunes.

You know what LiLo needs in her life?! Yes, she needs a mother whose idea of breakfast isn't a bowl of Adderall and Red Bull. But she also needs a party-crashing deer in her life. Seriously, look at this party-crashing deer from Michigan:

Every time LiLo tries to take her crack antics to Twitter, a deer needs to jump into the room to stop her. SIGN HER OFF, party-crashing deer!

There is not a pumpkin in all the land that Chicken Cutlets can't pose with! Last year, PP struck the same "look, my breasts are actually squash" pose with bigger pumpkins. This year, PP decided to go smaller since we're in a recession and all. Yes, PP is sensitive to world issues!

PP is even working so hard to bring you the glamour that she ripped her own pants! Or maybe her dog Henry finally snapped and attacked her ass in the car? Possible.

And is that a "no posing with pumpkins" sign in the last thumbnail? PP queefs (don't picture that or you may bleed internally) on that sign! You can't keep an international supermodel DOWN.