Archives

In news you could smell (an intense odor of maple syrup covered condoms and irrelevancy) from ten thousand miles away, Avril Lavigne has filed for divorce from her husband of 3 years Deryck Whibley. Avril named "irreconcilable differences" as the reason why their marriage is now just a cold lump in the litter box. In the world of Avril, I'm pretty sure "irreconcilable differences" means that she loves the bottle more than she loves Deryck. Understandable.

According to Radar, Avril isn't asking for a monthly check from Deryck, but she also doesn't want to give him one either. Avril says that September 4th was the day she stopped dying Deryck's dick bush with Manic Panic.

It seems that Avril has already found a new dick to keep her Emily the Strange lunchbox warm at night. Star Magazine (via Celebitchy) says that Avril has been living in Hawaii with the heir to a canned pineapple empire. Some source said that Avril is getting dicked by Dole Food Company billionaire Justin Murdock. The source added, “Avril and Justin have been to Hawaii together but mostly they’ve been holed up at his place."

Let me get this straight, Avril is fucking on a billionaire who probably devours pineapple by the pound? You know what they say about bitches who eat pineapple! So, not only does the dude fart money, but he also has Penis Colada on tap. Dude is way too good for the punk fart princess.

Nothing makes me want to suck on a tongue like the succulent scent of week-old hot dogs, urine and burnt coffee. Glamberace and his main squeeze obviously feel the same way, because here they are mouth fucking in the parking lot of 7-Eleven yesterday night. Personally, I'd rather make-out in the 7-Eleven bathroom, but they are classier than I am, so they took it outside.

And since we're sort-of on the subject of convenience stores, here's an 11-minute long video of me visiting my neighborhood bodega last Tuesday at 11 in the morning.

Just so you know, I had a giant bowl of fresh vegetables and big glass of tomato juice that morning. Memaw Ruth was RIGHT!

31-year-old Jake Pavelka, who was dumped on The Bachelorette last season, will be the next "Bachelor." ABC made the announced last night during Dancing with the Fallen Stars. Jake will be the ten millionth piece of broccoli who will pretend to date a group of ladies, then pretend to propose to one, then pretend to have a relationship with her, then pretend to dump her a few months later after their contract ends.

Jake told People that he can't wait to find "the one," “I’ve dated some really amazing girls, but I’ve never been successful at finding that one girl. and I saw how the whole thing comes together, the process with Jillian. I saw how the process works and I believe in it. That’s a unique way to meet somebody.”

You know what's also a unique way to meet somebody, Jake? Stick your peen in a hole and see who licks it. Try it sometime.

And I'm okay with ABC continuing to cast bowls of lukewarm oatmeal as The Bachelor, as long as they also continue to cast crazy bitches who have an endless supply of dresses from the prom section at JcPenney.

Even though Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom had a big wedding filled with romantic shit like cameras, lace jock strops (all for the bride), scripts, stage managers and fluffers, they still aren't legally married. Khloe and Lamar still have their dicks out over the prenup.

TMZ is saying that Lamar isn't about to lay down and let Khloe do him in the butt (not over this anyway). WHEN they divorce, Lamar has agreed to pay Khloe a yearly lump of cash no matter how long their marriage lasts (SPOILER ALERT: not longer than a sneeze). Lamar's deal with the Lakers is worth around $33 million, and he doesn't want Khloe to get her beastly claws on that shit. Lamar doesn't want his income to be community property.

Sources close to Khloe says that she's willing to accept the deal, because she thinks she can get Lamar to loosen up later on.

Khloe should get Lamar to promise that he'll pay for her body waxing sessions and asshole bleaching for the rest of her days. That's a big chunk of cash right there. Khloe should also get Lamar to agree to NEVER EVER raise his lip (see above) like that again. Maybe he thinks that if he makes a "Cowardly Lion after a seizure" face, Khloe will look less beastly. Didn't work.

And just for the record, I'm starting a fan club for Khloe's whore-ensemble. Love that slut dress, but not on Khloe.

You might have already seen the ridiculous Ralph Lauren ad on the left which was Photoshopped by a cross-eyed chihuahua who has a bad case of ADD and a strange fascination with tree branches. After everyone cried "outrage" over the pic, Ralph Lauren issued some half-assed apology saying they take full responsibility...blah..blah...blah. The model in the picture, Filippa Hamilton, doesn't actually look like that in real life. Filippa's head is actually bigger than her hips. Nuts, I know.

At 5'10" and 120lbs, Filippa is pretty svelte, but she still isn't skinny enough for Ralph Lauren. On the Today show this morning, Filippa said Ralph Lauren sent her to the guillotine, because she didn't look like she might fall over if you a blew a kiss at her.

Filippa said, "They fired me because they said I was overweight and I couldn't fit in their clothes anymore. I'm very proud of what I look like, and I think a role model should look healthy."

Karl Lagerfeld just went into cardiac arrest from having an ass orgasm over this.

Ralph Lauren confirmed to the NYDN that they pink-slipped Filippa "as a result of her inability to meet the obligations under her contract with us."

Maybe this has something to do with the recession. Maybe the brains at Ralph Lauren think that since people can't buy food, we will all look like malnourished praying (for food) mantises. Not only that, why pay Filippa when they can pull some random kid off the street and give them a couple of Skittles to draw the next Ralph Lauren ad:

R.I.P. Captain Lou. I will think of you every time I defeat King Koopa - Best Week Ever

Twilight's Ashley Greene really doesn't like bras - Egotastic!

Megan Fox is the new body of Armani Panties. Does this new job require her to say words? - Popsugar

Lady CaCa and Beyonce's duet will be like a spiked dildo for your ears - Just Jared

Gerard Butler's ass will probably get nominated for an Oscar before he does - Towleroad

Ten million shades of perfect - Hollywood Rag

Jayde Nicole's face looks like that of a slightly melted real doll - Hollywood Tuna

Mop Head is stealing Phoebe Price's signature poses! (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Maybe Katie Holmes is pulling a "Sleeping with the Enemy" and training for the day her ass finally runs away - Lainey Gossip

Big dicks in nature - Cityrag

Catch the motherfucking football, you punk ass Mickey - ICYDK

Jason Lewis after watching today's open post host - I'm Not Obsessed

Tracy Morgan brings up a good point, where IS Cheri O'Teri? - Celebitchy

Whore. Pit. Viper. - Holy Moly!

Chris Pine might be the new Jack Ryan - SOW

Our Lady of Cheeto's 3 is 1 - Socialite Life

I'm pretty sure LiLo has been a resident of Rock Bottom for a long time now - Popbytes

It's like one of Paris Hilton's labia lumps come to life and starring in a revue as a California Raisin. WHY!!!!?!!!?!!!! This dude has a zillion videos on his YouTube account that are just like this. Don't click over there unless you want to enter a world where the ocean is made of your own vomit and the sky is the color of your bloody tears. Before watching this mess, hold your tongue down with a Popsicle stick, because you might bite it off.

How will I close my eyes tonight?! Even piles of Ambien won't help me escape the image of this raisinhead convulsing like Gene Simmons' tongue during cunnilingus. Speaking of Gene Simmons, here's another one for you to file away in the folder marked DARK-SIDEDNESS.

VIA Videogum

There's a million celebwhores that deserve to be punched in the face (i.e. almost every bitch on a reality show, Dr. Phil, Michael Lohan, etc...etc...), but someone that isn't on my list is Leona Lewis. Obviously, not everyone agrees with me, because Leona got straight-up slapped in the face at a signing for her new autobiography today. BLEEDING MUG! Who knew that Leona Lewis of all people could drive a dumbass to get violent?

The Sun reports that a 20-something dude went to the trouble of waiting in the long line just so he could slap her. One of Leona's friends said, "Leona was utterly shocked and appalled as it came out of nowhere. The man queued up patiently, then as soon as she signed his book he smashed her in the face. He didn't say anything to her and she is at a loss as to why anyone would do such an evil thing. She is devastated as she comes from quite a humble background and loves meeting her fans. She was doing a three-hour signing and planned to sign hundreds of books. She's been taken to a Harley Street doctor by her record label as she needs to be fixed up as it was quite a punch and she's very dainty."

Leona's rep confirms the attack and says they are working with the police. The rep added that Leona didn't need medical treatment. According to the BBC, the slapper has been taken into custody.

I know we've all heard "Bleeding Love" enough times to make us go crazy, but DAMN. It's not that serious. Calm down, sit on your hands and eat some weed. Shit.

Last night, NY Mag's Vulture did a quick interview with John Mayer which ended in him threatening to butt rape the editor. You know, being sodomized by a douchebag would probably be like getting a colonic, so if John Mayer goes through with his threat, he should charge for that shit. Colonics are expensive (so I've heard).

A John Mayer interview is like getting finger banged. Most of the time it's just annoying and awkward. But sometimes it make your nipples curl and your eyeballs tingle. I'm not sure which category this interview falls under. You be the judge:

What do you think about health care? Would you take the public option?
"Have you ever heard me play guitar? I'm really fucking good. You know what I'm bad at? Answering questions about public health care. This is not in my wheelhouse. Do you have any questions about music? I almost got a mad need to lighten up. You need to lighten up, because the questions you asked me were all trouble-making questions. If someone gave me the Nobel Peace Prize, and I didn't deserve it, I would just shut my mouth and enjoy the hell out of it."

Which I'm sure he's doing.
"What's he going to do, send it back? It's like I'm getting a wrongful bulge in my pants and everyone's thinking I've got a nine-inch cock. I'm not going to argue with them, I'm going to let them think I have a nine-inch cock."

How about a style question?
"Yes, this seems to be apropos. Do you get paid for this?"

I do it more for fun.
"You do this for fun? That's like me saying ... never mind."

What do you think about guys with seventies mustaches?
"I don't give a fuck about who wears their face what way. If I could grow a beard, I'd have some nutty things going on on my face."

You can't grow a beard?
"It's a pituitary thing. I know you're not that much of a moron."

These are questions my editor wanted me to ask. I'm trying to build my journalistic career here.
"You're not building a journalistic career. You're making yourself look like a moron and you're not a moron. Who's your editor?"

Jada.
"Jada is making you sound like a moron in front of people."

Why don't you tell me about your new album? You've been in the studio for a while.
"I have a record coming out November 17."

Any particular theme or inspiration behind this one that makes it different from previous albums?
"Look what we're doing right now! We're connecting right now! This is great! Yeah, it's going to be quite melodically bright, but the themes are all about heartbreak."

How is that different? Haven't you written a lot about heartbreak?
"I think most artists do, but this is really breaking into the theme of it as a concept."

Is there hope behind the heartbreak?
"The melody is the hope. The lyrics are the heartbreak, the melody is the hope. If you have the lyrics being the heartbreak and the music as the heartbreak, your editor made you ask stupid fucking questions! You're standing in front of me acting as if these questions are fair, but now we're talking about something real. So there was stuff I wanted to put on the record that just didn't fit the concept. So the next record will have that concept."

What concept?
"More political things, worldly things."

Such as?
"Nothing rhymed with public option."

You don't always have to rhyme, though.
"I'm going to forcefully sodomize your editor."

On that note, here's some pictures of possible butt rapist John Mayer leaving a salon after getting his mop cut.