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At a press conference in Fort Collins, CO today, Sheriff Jim Alderden announced that Richard Heene put together the Balloon Boy story as a publicity stunt to get his own reality show. In other oh-so-shocking news, Tommy Girl just farted out a cum bubble.

Sheriff Jim, who will be played in the Balloon Boy TV movie by Wilford Brimley, said that they expect to file several charges against Richard Heene and his wife. The charges will include conspiracy, calling in a fake emergency and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. If they are found guilty of all charges, they could face up to six years in the clink and a fine of $500,000. Balloon Boy and his brother won't be shuffled off to prison since they are barely old enough to wipe their own asses, but Child Protective Services will investigate.

Sheriff Jim said this isn't so surprising since Richard and his wife met at acting school. Apparently, they spent the past 2 weeks putting together the fourth grade science project known as The Flight of Balloon Boy. The Sheriff also added that Richard Heene's "education level is only high school ... he may be nutty, but he's not a professor." DAMN! Richard Heene got Ziiiing-ed by Sheriff Jim.

The Sheriff should also file charges against Richard for wasting everyone's precious time! Seriously, most of us spent hours glued to the TV watching a stupid ass balloon. We could've spent our time doing more important things like licking hard peen, making a Kahlua and Mother's Cookies milkshake, shaving our pubic bush into the shape of a witch's hat or hiding in the bushes outside of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's apartment building. GUILTY! Throw the Heenes into death row. And by "death row," I mean the guest room in the Gosselin's house where they will be forced to watch this video on a loop:

"Does this bra make me look BATSHIT FUCKING CRAZY?!" - Richard Heene

VIA Jezebel

And no, she wasn't put in handcuffs because she's associated with the Lord of the Fleshbeards Spencer Pratt. And she also wasn't arrested, because the police thought The Joker got a sex change in order to evade them. No, Stephanie Pratt of The Hills' was arrested for getting behind the wheel of a car while suffering from a serious case of the DRUNKS. File this under: "So this is how we're trying to stay relevant."

TMZ says that She-Pratt was taken into custody at 3:45 this morning in Hollywood on suspicion of driving under the influence. She is currently sitting in a jail cell on $5,000 bail.

She-Pratt's latest arrest is just another credit on her already glittery record. Back in 2006, she was busted for trying to steal a bunch of fancy stuff from a Neiman Marcus in Honolulu.

To be fair, if I was related to Twit & Twat, I'd be permanently hooked up to an IV bag filled with various kinds of the bad shit and every brand of booze. However, Stephanie didn't need to drive. Stephanie should've puffed up those balloon lips just a little bit more, and they would've carried her home safely.

(Image: WENN.com/FayesVision)

Those of you who get the tingles for NIN's Trent Reznor, will have to nurse your fuck part with some Chamomile tea and a showing of Milo & Otis, because he got married last night. Trent married an alien from Mars' Bai Ling Tribe who goes by the name of Mariqueen Maandig. Mariqueen used to be in the band West Indian Girl, but now that she's fucking on Trent's nine inch (I hope) nail, she doesn't need to sing for her supper anymore.

The marriage hasn't been confirmed by Trent's spokeswhore, but his good friend Danny Lohner Tweeted this eloquent message last night:

"goths the world over will mourn this day- off to a wedding....CONGRATS my nagguh!"

Methinks "nagguah" is douchanese for "my fellow dicktard." I think. We'll get Jon Grosselin to translate later.

Mariqueen's extra terrestrial brows are hypnotizing me to say that Trent absolutely picked the right alien to make his wife. When Trent's peen no longer sings sweet nothings for Mariqueen, he should ask for her eyebrows in the divorce.

Kourtney Kardashian is the latest celebwhore to join The Bitch Got Robbed Club (along with LiLo and Ceiling Eyes). TMZ reports that the extremely pregnant Kourtney (no, unfortunately that's not just hot air) came home on Friday night to find that her Calabasas townhome was ransacked and the thieves got a hold of thousands of dollars worth of joo-ree including her boyfriend's $30,000 Cartier watch, a shit load of diamonds and a few pieces her father gave her.

Kourtney lives in a gated community, so police aren't sure how the joo-ree snatchers got in (SPOILER ALERT: They hid in Kim's ass crack).

The most valuable piece of jewelry I own is a half-eaten candy necklace from last Halloween, but if I owned a pile of shiny diamonds, I'd keep that shit under lock and key. Or I'd just keep them near a Kourtney Kardashian scarecrow that constantly babbles about her pregnant farts and how she wonders if amniotic fluid comes in scented flavors. That will keep any bitch out.

And whoever robbed Kourtney better watch out, because Khloe will pick up their scent and track them down in the dead of night! The thieves better keep a prenup and feminine hygiene spray close by.

Michael Gray - Star of the 1970s Saturday morning TV series Shazam!. Shazam!, which was campier than Glamberace's Bar Mitzvah, ran from 1974 to 1977, and starred Michael as a boy who had the power to transform into Captain Marvel (played by a totally different actor). Since Michael knew that he would never ever be able to top the glory that was Shazam!, he shut down his acting career and retired from the business. Michael now runs a flower shop in West Hollywood, CA with his wife. Yes, Michael went from acting alongside a hunk in tights to selling flowers in West Hollywood. THE LIFE: Michael is living it! Below is the opening credits to Shazam!:

Zac Efron (22)
Carly Schroeder (19)
Freida Pinto (25)
Ne-Yo (30)
Curtis Stigers (44)
Vincent Spano (47)
Wynton Marsalis (48)
Jean-Claude Van Damme (49)
Erin Moran (49)
Marina Navratilova (53)
Arliss Howard (55)
Pam Dawber (58)
Terry McMillan (58)
Dawn Wells (71)
Chuck Berry (83)