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The executives over at FOX obviously didn't learn anything from the shit show that was Emeril!, because they have decided to develop a half-hour comedy sitcom based on The Dog Whisperer. FOX needs a new pack leader.

Wilmer Valderrama, who is best known for dating every young vagina in Hollywood, will play the title role. Emily Kapnek, one of the executive producers of Hung, will write and direct the show. The real dog whisperer Cesar Milan will serve as one of the producers.

Wilmer probably thinks he's perfect for this, because in his mind his peen has tamed hundreds of bitches. You know he totally calls himself The Vagina Whisperer.

And Wilmer does have a lot of experience working with slobbery beasts who dry hump anything that stands since he worked with Ashton Kutcher for all those years. So, I guess this sort of makes sense (not really).

Source: Variety

This is almost easier than Paris Hilton herself! A million crab jokes just landed on my tongue. Imma put some RID on it later.

So, Page Six says that the producers of the movie "The Other Guys" (starring Marky Mark & Will Ferrell) were not amused when Wonky's people handed them a rider with all her demands. Wonky was only scheduled to shoot for one day, but she still requested all sorts of fancy ass shit. A source said, "Paris has a cameo role in the movie, where she plays herself. It is all being kept very hush-hush. But the producers were shocked when her team handed them a three-page list of demands -- including live lobsters to be prepared fresh when she's ready to eat and a bottle of Grey Goose vodka -- all for just one day on the set. All celebrities are typically offered riders, but it seemed excessive for just one day's work playing herself. She was due to fly to New York to film in secret last week." Wonky's spokeswhore says this story is made of lives, but I'm going to choose to believe it. I mean.....

LIVE LOBSTERS!!! Aren't you sort of mad that Wonky stole the punchline to that joke? But seriously, those lobsters weren't for her. Obviously, her coochie crabs must be more gangsta than we thought. Those bitches eat live lobsters! Wonky's crotch crustaceans are cannibals! We're seriously doomed.

Image by 14 of Gallery of the Absurd

Just for shits (aka for maximum pap exposure), Scary Spice's husband, Stephen Belafonte, decided to get an Xtina smear on his lips and hit the streets looking like a female version of Khloe Kardashian. You can tell Stephen is loving this from his toe nails to his bald head. All of Stephen's lips are puckering!

And I would never have guessed that Stephen is a Winter, but that red really brings out the fierceness in his face.

Birthday: 1982ish
Age: 27
Birth Name: ?

Original Date of HS of the Day: October 16, 2009
Claim to Fame: Derek J is a hairstylist/wig-tamer in Atlanta who became a fashion icon to all after he made a came on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Derek J still makes my gay bone tingle at all hours of the night (not like that!). If you ever need a healthy supply of glitter and glamour injected into a boring ass event, invite Derek J!

Where is he now? Most likely ransacking the BBW and shoe sections at a designer discount department store. Bitch will destroy a TJ Maxx "just in" designer section like NOBODY ELSE!

Why is he Hot Slut of the Week? Look at him! If this amazing Tasmanian He-Devil doesn't make you feel things you've never felt before, then I don't even know!

(Image via Derek J's MySpace)

Adrianne Curry as Princess Lame-O. Yes, I'll be here all week - Hollywood Tuna

Dear Hasselcrack, your baby didn't see your nipple, because he'd be frowning instead of smiling if he did - Just Jared

Californication should just change its name to EvaAmurristittication already - Egotastic!

Gretchen and Slade take their pr stunt relationship to the pumpkin patch (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

The noise isn't from Vadge dancing, it's from the nutsacks of her victims screaming and pounding for help - Popeater

James Franco wants to dick slap himself in the face. Sort of. - Towleroad

Please tell me Marisa Miller is butt burping - Popsugar

Elisabetta Canalis must have a strap-on permanently attached to her crotch - Lainey Gossip

Personally, I think Mutya should form a new trio called the Sugabrows - Holy Moly!

Nothing says "I love you" in Lohan-talk like a restraining order - Celebitchy

John Stamos was just fucking drunk in Australia - Hollywood Rag

JLove is a poet - I'm Not Obsessed

Anna Wintour has gone full CRAZY, because Ashlee Simpson is going to be in Vogue - Socialite Life

Sarah Michelle Gellar must have gotten the post-baby Posh special - SOW

Can Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher join the Shrek 4 cast? - ICYDK

Xtina's gayelle fantasies - Cityrag

We could all party with this bear, because dude knows what's important! Over in Hayward, Wisconsin on Thursday night, a black bear strolled into a grocery store and headed straight for the liquor section. Black bears are just like us!

When the bear got to the beer cooler, he climbed on top of it and sat there. The bear must have been waiting for the store to stock the cooler with his brand, because he just chilled there for about an hour. That store was filled with a bunch of rude ass bitches, because nobody offered him another kind of beverage or even a beer nut. Instead, they called animal officials who showed up and tranquilized the bear so that they could safely get him out of the store. RUDE!

The next time that bear gets thirstay for some of the sweet nectar, he should go to The Dugout in NYC. Now that's a place where they fully embrace beer-loving bears.

Hmmm...or maybe the bear wanted to be tranquilized, so he came up with that scheme. Kind of genius. So if you see Paula Abdul hanging out on top of your grocery store's beer cooler, you know what she's up to.

VIA Buzzfeed

Now we know where the wild things are! They're hiding in Mr. August's pits. And you know James Gandolfini is the voice for those hairy pit beasts. Moving on....

iCarly is a show for kids, tweens and pit lovers on Nickelodeon. I've never seen one episode, but after glancing at this calendar, I might have to get my Tivo on that shit. Apparently, iCarly's 26-year-old brother, Spencer, put together this calendar featuring European fun guys and a little boy in a tuxedo (???????). Yeah, I don't even know either. I've always had the feeling that the hos at Nickelodeon had the best kind of acid in their desk drawers, and now it's confirmed.

Disney better step up their whore game, because Nickelodeon is coming at them hard! Don't slime yourself now!

Just a quick minute ago, there were rumors that Alexander Skarsgard and his True Blood co-star Evan Rachel Wood were dating on the down low. Well, Askars loves to spread the hotness, because now Radar is saying that he might be getting loose with another co-star, Kate Bosworth.

Kate and Askars, who just finished shooting a movie together in Louisiana, were acting all couple-like at the Spike TV Scream Awards in Los Angeles this past Saturday night. After Kate presented Askars with the Best Villain award, they "canoodled" backstage. Some witness said they were whispering in each other's ears while holding hands.

Spokeswhore for both of them say they are just fweeeeeeendz.

Askars knows he's the peen of the moment, so he's just having a little fuck time fun. That's all this is. If he isn't serving Evan Rachel Wood a plate of his Swedish meatballs, then he's letting Kate Bosworth lick on his homemade Blodkorv. Although, I'm a little concerned for Kate. Bitch is the size of a fetus' nose hair, so she better down a dozen protein shakes before she tries to fuck on Askars all the way.

Image you're a horse (Trace Cyrus, you're excused from class) who is forced to work in NYC on a rainy Saturday night. You would rather be in your stall, smoking some hay and watching the uncut version of My Friend Flicka. So you're already hating life, and then two giant asshole sclimb into your carriage expecting a romantic ride through the park. What do you do?

Do you sacrifice yourself for humanity and run off the nearest bridge? Do eat Hailey Glassman and say you thought she was a rotten carrot who needed to be put out of its misery? Or do you just suck it up and take them for a ride hoping that Kate Gosselin's rabid possum jumps into the carriage to ravage the both of 'em?

Well, that horse is better than me, because it went with the last option. If only somebody told that horsey it would win the Nobel Peace Prize if it just kicked Jon and Hailey in the ass bone.

While some of you slut whores were doing ho shit over the weekend, a brand new type of venereal disease was birthed in Hollywood when Balthazar Getty and Blohan dry fucked each other at a club. Yeah, I think your genitals grew a puss-filled wart just from thinking about it. See you at the free clinic.

People says that Blohan showed up to West Hollywood club Voyeur with the still married Balthazar at her side. Some source said the two snuck in through the club's backdoor (hopefully, the backdoor was covered with a dental dam) and only stayed for 30-minutes. During that time, they were "all over each other" at a table in the front room.

Okay, before you start farting about how Blohan is licking up Sienna Miller's sloppy seconds, think about it for a minute. Sienna Miller is a cock connoisseur, so Blohan figured Balthazar must give good dick. And for her big return to the peen, Blohan wanted to make sure she got on a dick that would make her pork loaf simmer.

And if you see a weepy dick and tortured vagina hitchhiking along the highway, they belong to Balthazar and Blohan. They're trying to get away again. Put on your masks and wave to them from afar.