Archives

This week, I won't be spending any money on booze, Twinkies, porn, "massages," anal bleaching, bikini waxes or the good shit (I don't mean that last one). That's because I will need all the coins I get my hands on to spend on the most important auction of ALL auctions! This auction is so important that it even has its own trailer!

The Empress of Lucite has announced that she is giving the world another amazing gift by letting us peons bid on her personal works of art. The auction, which will be held on the ultra-exclusive website known as eBay, will start on October 23rd. The items will include bikinis, pairs of pantyhose, posters and LUCITE HEEEEEEEEELS! Yes, exquisite lucite heels that touched her royal feet. My tinsel Christmas tree will look beyond elegant with a pair of an angel's lucite heels sitting on top.

This is our chance to own a piece of history (along with a few hard-to-get STDs). If I can't pay rent this month, I will tell my landlord that GOD himself (aka The Empress of Lucite's baby voice) ordered to me to spend every last cent on Shauna's masterpieces. If he tries to evict me, I will sue him for religious discrimination. Or something.

VIA Heyman Hustle (Thanks Livia)

Detective La Toya has learned the hard way that getting to the bottom of EVERYTHING can be dangerous! The road to the truth is a deadly one, and friends of Detective La Toya says that she knows this now. Apparently, Det. La Toya thinks the same evil doers who "killed" Michael Jackson are coming for her. Agatha Christie, get your pen out!

One source told the National Enquirer (via Showbiz Spy), “La Toya is convinced someone paid Michael’s personal physician, Conrad Murray, to kill him because they stood to gain up to $1 billion from his death. La Toya has been telling pals she can name the mysterious people Michael’s doctor was working with when Michael died. She is convinced they killed her brother and wouldn’t hesitate for a moment to kill her as well. She says too many people have got too much to lose if the truth gets out. She fears for her life. She says her information is explosive and that Dr Murray did not act alone in Michael’s death. She’s extra cautious now of the people she talks to and the places she goes. She only goes to crowded restaurants and refuses to go the supermarket when it’s dark outside.”

Just to be safe, Detective La Toya should wrap a white blanket around her every time she goes outside. And she should only travel in the basket on Henry Thomas' bike!

But seriously, Detective La Toya's instincts are always right on, so she better learn some ninja moves and keep a pistol under her deerstalker cap at all times.

(Thanks Brian)

For a few weeks, we were teased with the promise of homo lip action on Gossip Girl between Chuck SeaBass and some hot piece. Last night, I carefully took off my pants, folded them next to me and was all ready to watch the tongues fly, but all I got was a peck. A PECK! The kind of peck you'd give your accountant in the middle of a Sunday afternoon. That shit is beyond G-rated.

This is The CW we're talking, so I wasn't expecting a salad tossing or teabagging, but that wasn't a kiss. I mean, Chuck Bass obviously knows his way around a man's tongue, so I don't know why he acted like they were forcing him to kiss a rubber vagina. I want a refund.

Stepford Katie has already said that Tommy Girl smacks his lips, rotates his head and gives her the "Girl, no you didn't" eye whenever she's wearing a dress he doesn't approve of. Well, at last night's Elle's Women in Hollywood Tribute, Katie told UsWeekly that Suri is her main stylist and picks out most of her outfits. A three-old dressing a robot. There's a sitcom in there somewhere.

Katie said, "She loves clothes and picks out her own." Apparently, Suri even picked out the ensemble Katie's wearing here including that sheer blouse with the black bra. SURI THE HARLOT! In all seriousness, I'm not surprised to hear that Suri is Katie's stylist. I mean, I've always figured Suri had an intense fascination with the 90s (example: Katie's overuse of tight-rolled jeans).

One of Katie's friends (HA! Like she has those) said that Suri not only calls the shots when it comes to fashion. Suri is the BOSS OF EVERYTHING! The friend said, "Suri makes the rules and Tom and Katie go along with it. She is not a spoiled brat, but she is the center of their universe."

Xenu trembles in Suri's presence, because she really is the Queen of the Aliens. You know that kind of hurts Tommy since he's been forced to put away his "Queen of the Aliens" sash.

Don't ask me why, but The Trials and Tribulations of Balloon Boy is still taking up precious media space. Because of this, the media has not left Balloon Boy's neighborhood which has given some of his neighbors a case of the angries. Take this dude for instance. Dude has had it with the media getting in his life and decided to do something about it on Sunday evening.

It ended with him throwing punches after he got tackled from behind (not in a sexy way). Somebody needs to send a carrier pigeon to these two with a message that says they are directing their anger at the wrong person. If you need to slap a bitch, slap Richard Heene. The line forms to the right.

And I can't say that I blame the bald dude. It's not easy to get your dealer to make a house call when you've got a zillion camera crews on your front lawn. I'd punch a trick too.

VIA FreddYo

Bitch got lucky. He must have had a lucite-covered Mother's Circus Animal cookie in his pocket - Towleroad

Lily Allen is topless and stoned in Venice - Egotastic!

Sonic the Douchehog has already replaced his punk rock princess - Lainey Gossip

Every day is Slut-O-Ween for Adrianne Curry - Hollywood Tuna

An adorable little butterball baby still can't make Katherine Hagel look sweet and maternal - Popsugar

To be fair, an obese trout could kick Jimmy Fallon's ass - Popoholic

Sienna Miller bones on the rag - Just Jared

The Helen of Troy of this generation making people weep on the streets of L.A. (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

OctoMom wants to wrap her OctoPussy on Jon Gosselin's doucherod - Popeater

CHERYL BURKE casts a black magic voodoo spell on Kelly "Heat Miser" Osbourne - Socialite Life

Dental victim Mischa Barton looking good at the Whitney Museum Gala - Hollywood Rag

Things our mother already told us: "The Butler" is a manslut - Celebitchy

Is it wrong that I'm staring at Ricky Martin's crotch area while he's holding one of his babies? - ICYDK

The only reality show The Hoff needs to star in is Celebrity Rehab - I'm Not Obsessed

I really don't know want to know what Russell Brand and Katy Perry are going to do with a robotic petting zoo - Holy Moly!

Drugs make you better - Cityrag

Kate Hudson better watch out, because Derek Jeter's juicy ass cheeks have successfully woo-ed her man! At yesterday's Angels/Yankees game, A-Roidy just couldn't help himself and had to squeeze on Jeter's ass. You can tell by the look on his face that A-Roid really really means it.

Maybe the mound of muscle before him made him miss Vadge for a second, so he hugged it with his hands for old time's sake. Clip below:

VIA Towleroad

Either a) RiRi no longer has alien nipples, because that barb wire sliced them off. Or b) That's not barb wire, it's black licorice. If that's the case, this cover is delicious. Yes, I'm one of those "black licorice" people. It all makes sense now, right?

So, this is Alien Princess RiRi looking like she escaped Hostel on the cover for her new single "Russian Roulette." Just in time for Slut-o-Ween! For real, do you know how many broke down versions of this costume we're going to see on the night of October 31st? Sluts will find any excuse to wrap junkyard artifacts around their chesticles.

And if you care, here's the audio that goes along with this cover. While listening to it, you might need to cut at your nipples with barb wire to stay awake.

If this shit doesn't work, click here to listen to it.

Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes proudly pranced out of the always private Katsuya restaurant in West Hollywod last night looking happier than two famewhores in a sea of paps. Both of them looking pretty smug, but I'd have the same look on my face if I was bouncing on Eddie Cibrian, Sure, the dude is an asshole of epic proportions, but he could slap a baby bunny and you'd still spin on that shit.

And I think it's time that Renee Zellweger hand down the title of "Squinty" to LeAnn, because bitch always looks constipated in the eyes. Pass the fart, and open your eyes, HO!

I understand if you have to excuse yourself from this post so that you can run to the nearest church where you will dip your face in holy water and fill your eye holes with crushed up communion wafers. This picture will have some of you grabbing for the cross. Moving on....

Yesterday, there were a rumor going around that LiLo and Balthazar Getty got it on a club in Hollywood. Blohan has taken that rumor, boiled it up, spread it on a flat surface, chopped it and snorted it up her nose hole! She claims it is all sorts of false. She told Gossip Cop that she only met Balthazar Getty for the first time that night. She also added, “You think I would do that to Sam [Ronson]? I love her.”

Blohan probably doesn't remember what happened 10 seconds ago, let alone what happened this past weekend, so the moment could have already been expelled from her brain. As it should have.

And how is she supposed to keep track of all the people (or things) she makes out with? I think she just sticks her tongue down any open hole from a bathroom drain to Balthazar Getty's mouth (they taste the same).