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Remember on The Real Housewives of New Jersey when Teresa showed off her ridiculous mobster palace that was made of onyx, marble and the skeletons of her husband's former associates? Well, it seems like Teresa's juicy delicious husband failed to make their mortgage payments, because their dream home is about to get snatched away by the bank. Radar reports that DLJ Mortgage Capital filed papers with New Jersey's Superior Court to take control the house Teresa shares with her husband three daughters.

I thought that Teresa and her husband only paid with cash. I was under the impression that their gaudy house of tackiness was paid for with blood money and threats. I have to say that I'm a little disappointed, because he's not the crime boss I thought he was. Sad midget mobster is sad.

But don't worry, Teresa and her Planet of the Apes forehead will be fine. If she gets kicked out, she can always go live in the gorilla exhibit at the nearest zoo. I'm sure they will give her a table to flip so she'll feel right at home.

I was about to shout "SPOILER ALERT," but I'm not spoiling it for anyone since nobody watches this mess besides Bronx Mowgli and me. And Bronx only watches it during the commercial breaks for The Biggest Loser. Besides, Melrose Place spoiled itself a long time ago when Ashlee Simpson came on the screen.

Anyway, The Ausiello Files reported today that Ashlee Simpson and Colin Egglesfield (who plays Auggie on the show) are the Rhonda and Sandy of the new Melrose Place, because they have been pink-slipped. The producers claim that it was always the plan for Ass and Colin to be sent to the glue factory after their storylines finished. Todd Slavkin, the show's executive producer, said, "Well, we always knew that this murder mystery would end in episode 12. And we always knew that [Ashlee's] character of Violet would be instrumental in that as a suspect, and [Colin's character of] Augie as well. And once that murder mystery was solved, she would go on her way. That was the original plan going into the development of the show."

Todd said that both Ass and Colin took the news well since they already knew their roles would most likely be temporary. Ass and Colin's last episodes will air in January.

Todd added that with both of those characters gone and the mystery of Sydney's death solved, the show can lighten up and focus on other things like Amanda Woodward. Heather Locklear's episodes start airing in November and she'll stay with the show through the season.

It's a good thing that Ass got the ax, because watching her trying to act was painful and uncomfortable. It was like sitting through church. All of her scenes should come with a prescription for morphine, because you will need it. Laura Leighton's farts could win an Emmy over Ashlee Simpson.

That being said, I don't want this shit to lighten up! If I wanted light and fluffy, I'd watch baby bunnies giving each other a bath on a loop! What that show needs is some Kimberly Shaw-approved craziness. Hopefully, Heather Locklear will once again bitch slap some life into this shit.

Alan Thicke and Gloria Loring will soon have fresh baby barf all over their clothes and slobber on their cheeks, because their son Robin is going to be daaaaaaaaaaaaddy. Really, the mating is getting out of control.

UsWeekly reports that Robin Thicke and his wife Paula Patton made their first baby together. I know it's too early to throw around names, but if he doesn't name their baby Dr. Jason Seaver Jr. (even if she's a girl), I will question his loyalty as a SON!

And honestly, this post was just an excuse to put up Alan's Playgirl cover. Unfortunately, we don't get to see if Alan's thick. GONG!

Word around the Internet is that David Boreanaz has been passing his fuck bone around to ladies who aren't his wife. Star Magazine is saying that David pulled a Billy Crudup by humping on the down low while his wifey was carrying their baby friend. Angel is no angel.

Apparently, David has been carrying on with the trick in the picture above whose name is Rachel Uchitel. Rachel is a NYC events planner and she met David last spring at his 40th birthday party. Their genitals immediately started dripping for each other, and they started to have an affair. For the next few months, they would bump it in either NYC or L.A. Some source said, “David would walk in the door, and they’d have sex right away. Every time I have sex with you is like the first time.”

After a while, Rachel begged David to throw his wife and two kids into the gutter so that they could be together. David promised Rachel that he would leave his wife, but we all know how that works. Rachel finally dumped David after he called her from the delivery room while his was wife was popping out their new baby. The source added, “He was on the phone with Rachel, giving updates. That grossed her out, because she felt that should have been private.”

So, let me wrap my head around this for a quick second. Rachel's skin is crawling over David giving her the details of his wife's birth, but licking his wife's dried up pregnant vagina juice off his peen doesn't gross her out? Makes sense.

However, that picture above should really gross her out. I mean, why must us slut whore skanks always pucker up like that in pictures? I always have to check myself whenever I start to pucker up like I'm a child beauty pageant contestant. It's never a good look.

Which dancing hunk would rather be doing the mambo with a guy? Though publicly straight, he’s been carrying on an affair with a man for years, and he intends to keep it secret. (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)

My nipples are praying this is Maksim, but I'm thinking the only dude he likes to get with is himself...in front of a three-way mirror. Therefore, I'll guess the obvious choice: the dancing Ken Doll most popularly known as Derek Hough?

Which C/D list reality star got so drunk at a recent event that when she had a one night stand with a friend of our source, she wet the bed? Not Kristin Cavallari. (BuzzFoto)

The pissibilities are endless. Holly Montag? Kim Zolciak's wig? Zoila from Flipping Out? Or every single one of the uber skanks on Rock of Love Bus?

This fun-loving actress on a hit television comedy won't be laughing over this item. Her husband, to whom she has been married for several years, has been having himself a little sum sum on the side. Even worse, the other woman in this case is another television actress who happens to be one of her friends. Even more interesting is the fact that the two actresses have such a similar look that they could probably pass for sisters. But there certainly won't be any love in this family when our actress finds out what her husband is doing and with whom he is doing it. (Blind Gossip)

My guess is Julie Bowen who is on Modern Family? And the dick-stealing friend Busy Philips or Elizabeth Banks or Derek Hough?

Hopefully someone gave Kim Kardassian a sandblaster for her birthday so that she can get all that paint off of her face - Hollywood Tuna

Vintage Miranda Kerr.....with a cameo by her nipple OF COURSE - Egotastic!

Brit Brit takes her Cheetolings to see one of her old weave's performance in Where The Wild Things Are - Popsugar

GOOPY had already eaten her own bullshit, so she skipped dinner with Vadge & Stella - Lainey Gossip

A nekkid man was making coffee in his own home and a kid saw him through a window. SHUT DOWN THE COUNTRY! - Towleroad

Gis Bundchen and Tom Brady are totally going to name their baby friend TakeThatBridge Brady - Just Jared

One of Parasite Hilton's former slaves pulled a Hulk on her dress (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Brad Pitt isn't listening to everyone's pleas for him to shave the granny muff - Cityrag

The "Whitney Houston would rather get her doody bubble popped by the hand of a female" rumors are back - Superior Gossip

Carnie Asada Wilson is getting her own reality show - Celebitchy

Alex Reid has become Katie Price's own personal drag dolly. Awesome. - Holy Moly!

Tommy Girl is totally going to audition for this - SOW

If Jennifer Aniston's dog dies, no tub of cookie dough will be safe - ICYDK

Three fugly bags - Socialite Life

Who knew that a 16-year-old actress could become a fashion icon to hookers everywhere - I'm Not Obsessed

You you know your brains are covered with several layers of weed dust when you can't stop laughing at this clip of a gigantic pigeon videobombing an important news report in Australia. The anchor dude's unintentional pun drop is not helping.

And if you happen to know the chick in the clip below, please don't tell her that gigantic seagulls are coming to get us all!

VIA Videogum

Here's Nicole Kidman desperately trying to roll her eyes at congress while testifying at "International Violence Against Women: Stories and Solutions" hearing yesterday in DC. Nicole, who is a goodwill ambassador for U.N. Development Fund for Women, admitted that Hollywood contributes to violent against wimmins by portraying them to be weak hussies.

Nicole said, "Violence against women is not prosecuted because it is not a top government and urgent social priority. We can change this. They need and deserve our support. Not with a box of band aids but with a comprehensive, well-funded approach that acknowledges that women’s rights are human rights.”

Nicole promised that she will no longer play mindless sex pots on screen, "I can't be responsible for all of Hollywood but I can certainly be responsible for my own career." Cut to Megan Fox throwing Nicole a shank eye for trying to fuck with her money!

But seriously, Nicole is fighting the fight, so I will keep the Botox abuse jokes under my pillow for another day. And I do see a few wrinkles, so thankfully I think she left the needle at home.

HAPPY CAPS LOCK DAY! HAPPY CAPS LOCK DAY! HAPPY CAPS LOCK DAY! HUG YOUR CAPS LOCK KEY, KISS YOUR KANYE WEST, AND ANNOY YOUR FRIENDS BY ONLY USING CAPS IN ALL YOUR IMS, TWEETS AND EMAILS!!! IT'S CAPS LOCK DAY! FUCK A CAPS LOCK KEY!

Okay, you get the point. I will stop abusing my caps lock key now, because I really don't want to get a bill from your optometrist. happy caps lock day. Awwww, doesn't that seem so sad without caps? HAPPY CAPS LOCK/KANYE DAY! Okay, that's better.

(Thanks Angie)

As you can see, Dennis Quaid and his wife left a restaurant last night looking like they just had an orgy with a few bottles of the sweet nectar. And I'm no Lohan, but it also looks like they have a case of coke mouth. I'd have to sniff at their breath to make an official ruling. Anyway....

A boozed-up Dennis Quaid got behind the wheel of his car outside of Phillipe Chows last night, and was just about to drive away when the po po pulled up. You can get put in handcuffs for just putting your keys into the ignition while under the influence, but the cops decided to give Dennis a warning instead. Splash says that when the cops told Dennis to get out of the car, he told them he wasn't planning to drive away. The officers let him go back into the restaurant and call a cab.

Dennis should give those cops a taint licking and a lap dance, because they saved him from marinating in a jail cell for a few hours. And when you've got the drunks ills, the last thing you want to be doing is using your hands to protect your asshole in jail. You need your hands to keep the booze barfs from coming up.

If I was that police officer I would've arrested Dennis for being related to Randy.