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So your checking account is crying because its HONGRAY and you've got Jude Law's shiny new baby friend in your arms. What's a self-respecting gold digger to do? You do the math.

All you have to do is polish that baby and push her out on the ho stroll! And that's exactly what Samantha Burke is doing.

The Daily Mail reports that Samantha sold the first pictures her daughter Sophia to the highest bidder. Samantha's agent confirms that Hello! Magazine snatched up the pictures and interview for around $300,000. A source said that Samantha has kept her baby under lock and key so that paps wouldn't get any shots of her, "Samantha may have got pregnant by accident but she’s a smart businesswoman. The child has rarely left the house since her birth and when Samantha has had to take her out for some reason or the other, her face is carefully covered."

The first time Jude ever lays eyes on his new baby is probably when she's on the cover of Hello! Magazine since he hasn't gone down to Florida to visit her.

While my wallet fucking heart applauds Samantha for making that money, I have to say that she needs to think bigger. Magazine pictures are for amateurs. Everyone is doing that. Samantha needs to put baby Sophia out on tour! Sophia can sit on stage goo goo and ga ga-ing for two hours. Shit, it sounds more entertaining than watching Jude Law in Hamlet.

And yes, everything I know about parenting I learned from Joe Jackson.

Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber will take a break from working on the sequel to Phantom of the Opera to undergo treatment for prostate cancer. Sir Andrew's rep told the BBC that they caught the cancer in its early stages. His rep added that he will be back to work by the end of the year.

Next year will be a busy year for Sir Andrew. He will be the head judge on a reality show searching for the next Dorothy and Toto to star in a revival of The Wizard of Oz in the West End. And the sequel to Phantom called Love Never Dies is expected to open in London this February.

I'm sure it won't be long before Sir Andrew is back to composing songs for me to sing around my apartment while cleaning on a Sunday afternoon. My version of "Skimbleshanks: The Railway Cat" (accompanied by my dog's cries for mercy and the vacuum cleaner) boggles minds...and busts ear drums.

La Toya Jackson is proving that she's the most gifted person on this planet. Not only is she a crime-solving genius and the entertainer of all entertainers (next to MJ and Rebbie, of course), but she's also a ghost whisperer. In an interview with The Mirror, La Toya confessed that is Michael is speaking to her from beyond the grave. I always knew La Toya's wig was the portal to the afterworld.

La Toya said, “When I go to his house I say, ‘Hello, Michael. How are you? If you’re here, please, please let me know’. And the lights start blinking. I can feel him. I can smell his Tom Ford cologne and I’ve felt him brush past me. It’s the most wonderful feeling and the biggest smile comes over my face. I tell him I love him so much and ask him to show me he’s here again. The lights blink again. I know he’s there, answering me and knowing he’s watching me is a huge comfort. I never believed that people could speak, hear and communicate in that sense. But I’ve witnessed it several times now and I want to investigate it further. I am certainly open-minded to speaking to a medium. No other members of the family have experienced it. Just me.”

The flickering lights weren't coming from Michael's house, they were coming from La Toya's head. You know, because her thoughts are so powerful that it causes her brain to blow a fuse every now and again.

La Toya also added that her brother is helping with the investigation into his death, “I ask Michael to help me understand what took place. I’ve told him to find a way to let me know. A person’s name will pop into my head out of the blue, I’ll call them, they give me information and I’ll find the connection I’ve been looking for. It’s amazing.”

La Toya just watched a MEDIUM marathon, right? Or maybe La Toya inspired MEDIUM? Yeah, that's must be it.

Finally, La Toya said that Michael's pet macaw is also having conversations with him, “Michael had a macaw and he was saying, ‘Everything’s OK, Michael. Everyone’s fine, don’t worry. The kids? How are the kids doing? Well, see how the kids are playing. They’re playing and they’re having fun’.”

And let me guess, La Toya was the only one that heard the macaw talk to Michael? Not only is La Toya a glamorous version of Oda Mae Brown, but she's also a regular Dr. Doolittle!

I didn't know Frederick's of Hollywood had a prostitot Halloween section? An ensemble like this was only meant to be worn while Bret Michaels tells you that your tour ends here. It was not meant to be worn by a 9-year-old girl! When is that time machine going to be ready so it take us back to the time where 9 year-olds dressed like spooky goblins, bacon-eating robots, and lumpy pumpkins?

Here's Noah Cyrus and her friend at Jamie Lee Curtis' Halloween party yesterday dressed like....like...I don't even know. And you know, I don't want to know either! Let's not skip down that road, because Chris Hansen will probably be waiting at the end.

When Noah and her friend showed up to the party, everyone probably called it a day. They did not want to end up on some government list.

We've had a good run, but I think we should all be thrown in a convent. It's Billy Ray's fault.

Just so you know that the theme of the party wasn't "Vh1 reality stars," I threw in some pictures of Jamie Lee (as Mother Nature), the Sprouse Twins (as Brad Pitt and Shiloh) and Daryl Hannah (as your office manager on Halloween).

Chrissy Amphlett of the Divinyls - Today is the golden anniversary of Chrissy's life, and it got me wondering if she's ever been la mujerzuela caliente del día. After checking my files, I learned that she hasn't. ILLEGAL! This is mind boggling since I"m sure that 99.9% of us have given wet lap dances to both "I Touch Myself," "Make Out Alright" and "Pleasure and Pain." Chrissy has helped us sluts be sluttier and we owe her everything for that. So put on your school girl outfit and thrust your fuck parts for Chrissy today!

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