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I know some of you out there have scratches on your peen from getting down with a pair of fake vampire teeth while thinking of Viking Eric from True Blood! You know who are you (Tommy Girl). Well, you can put those vampire teeth away, because here's something you can safely wrap around your wang. It's the Count Cockula, and the only thing it will hurt is your dignity!

For those of you who prefer your beejes without teeth, let the description really sell it to you:

Polish up your stake and drive it into this soft, vampire mouth for an orgasm that will wake the living dead. Packing the same punch as the original Fleshjacks but housed in a compact soda can and featuring the exclusive Vampire Fang inner canal texture not found on any other Fleshjack product.

And if you're really feeling kinky/lonely, you can use the Count Cockula with the Twidildo! It will be like having a threesome with RPattz and Vampire Beeehl. You won't need lube since your tears of self-pity will get the Count Cockula nice and wet!

With all that being said, I'd hit it. I'm joking (no, I'm not).

(Thanks Thomas)

Birthday: ?
Age: Don't ask unless you want a knot in your forehead.
Birth Name: Abuelita. Simply, Abuelita.

Original Date of HS of the Day: October 21, 2007
Claim to Fame: I'll let Abuelita herself explain: "Por generaciones, el Chocolate Abuelita de Nestlé ha sido parte esencial de nuestra cocina. Al ser rico y espumoso, nos brinda un exquisito sabor con “calor de hogar”. Úsalo para darle vida a tradicionales platillos, como el mole. Y para esos días en que tienes poco tiempo y mucho antojo, disfruta de Abuelita Instantáneo." Doesn't that just warm your inner soul, and make you want to look behind your back for flying chanklas?

And time for a fun fact: Mexican legend Sara Garcia has been the image of Abuelita hot chocolate since the olden days.

Where is she now? Probably burning some brat's tongue for talking back. And Abuelita burns with a hot knife.
Why is she HS of the Week? Do we even need to ask?

Amy Wino's daddy already confirmed that she got new chichis put in, but he didn't tell us that she went with size: BABY HEAD. To be more specific, size: FAT BABY HEAD. Wino is serious about her titty implants.

You know that I'll throw down for a pair of magnificent chichis, but nothing good can come out of Wino's new pair. I mean, they look harder than a stale crack rock, so Wino is definitely going to use 'em to knock a bitch out. So if you sass Wino, you'll get a crack-covered loogie in the eye and a speedball titty on your head.

Thankfully, that didn't happen at tonight's Q Awards, but it came close. She was supposed to present an award to her friends The Specials, but bitch showed up on Wino time (aka minutes late). While The Specials were accepting their award, Wino pulled a Kanye by showing up on stage and crashing their speech. When The Daily Mail asked Wino why she was late, she shot back with, "What’s it to you, I was doing my hair. Fuck off." I think Wino meant that she was literally doing her hair. You know, humping on her crackhive. They are close like that.

Wino's shenanigans didn't stop there. When Robert Plant was on stage accepting an award, Wino started heckling from the back of the room. Robert stopped for a quick second, realized it was just the crackie acting up again and went on with his speech.

So, there you go. Brand new chesticles, but the same ole' fuckery!

It took me a few nipple pinches and a couple of eye blinks to realize this was Grace Jones in her natural state! I almost didn't recognize her without a broken disco ball on her titties or a sandcastle on top of her head. Even without all that glitter, Grace is perfection. You won't ever catch me saying a bad word about her. If Grace wants to grow out her Chia Pet Pits (see thumbnail #2), she can!

By the way, proof of Grace's powers are in the picture above. Grace is text-messaging with her cooch! Hands are for amateurs.

This B+/A- list movie actress has been considering throwing in the towel on her long time religion in favor of Scientology. Her B list movie star significant other has been introducing her to some of his friends who are big proponents of Scientology and she has been giving it a try. (CDAN)

So who will be having programmed conversations with weepy Stepford Katie? My guesses are: Anna Faris & Chris Pratt? Or ScarJo & Ryan Reynolds? Or Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell?

This busy guy must be really good at juggling. He is a very successful actor and has more than one high profile project in the works. And as if he wasn’t busy enough at work, he also has a wife, a mistress, and an ex-girlfriend, each of whom thinks they are number one in his heart. It was actually pretty surprising for us to hear about the latter, because this actor comes across as the ultimate nice guy – the kind of guy who would never, ever cheat on his wife. He must be a really good actor. Perhaps his juggling skills aren’t quite as sharp as they could be, though, because his ex-girlfriend thinks she’s pregnant. (Blind Gossip)

Why do I wish the guy was Ben Affleck and the ex-girlfriend was Fishsticks Paltrow?

Maybe they have an arrangement. I don't know. What I do know is that this A list female singer was spotted making out with someone who was most definitely not her celebrity husband. (CDAN)

Mimi?! But she was probably just making out with Kerokerokeroppi, and that doesn't count as cheating since Nick is already cool with it.

(Image VIA Wesley Blogs)

HoHan goes topless with a titty bear in The Sunday Times Style Magazine. Sadly, I don't think Photoshop has a "de-crackwhore" tool yet - Egotastic!

Katy Perry's top might have been Liberace's scarf in its past life - Hollywood Tuna

Broadway's newest gay power couple - Towleroad

Where the hell has Rachel Bilson been hiding her seriously glamorous friend? - Hollywood Rag

Ricky Gervais will try to make the Golden Globes funny - Just Jared

Joseph Gordon-Levitt's brother is trying to make some kind of joke with those hair braids....right? - Lainey Gossip

Taylor and Taylor might be dating. Unfortunately, I'm not talking about Taylor Dayne and Rip Taylor - Popsugar

Mia Michaels' shaved head had everyone screaming the "cancer" word - Cityrag

This just goes to show Ungaro that they got what they paid for - I'm Not Obsessed

Ashley Greene is on a mission to make sure every pair of working eyes on earth have seen her titty area at least a dozen times - Popoholic

Tania Mcintosh finally got her paws on Simon Cowell - Holy Moly!

Sandra Bullock doesn't want her stepdaughter around porn stars, junkies or guns? What fun is that?! - Socialite Life

Failloose? - SOW

Pamela Anderson needs to go back to pre-school where they teach you the difference between a shirt and a dress - ICYDK

The Olsen trolls are selling shit at JcPenney. Shit being the key word - Celebitchy

If you agree to go on The Amazing Race, you should be well aware that you will be forced to do some shit that will will make your stomach turn on you and file for emancipation. Whether that be eating Satan-made nastiness or going down a water slide in Dubai. The latter is what totally killed the spirit in Mika's floaties on last night's episode.

Mika's arch enemy is heights so it wasn't exactly a surprise when she freaked out after learning she had to go down a water slide. I sort of felt Mika's pain, because I don't fuck with water slides after seeing a boy shit on one at Raging Waters. However, if a million dollars was at stake, I'd swallow the Valium I hid in my no-no (for this very occasion) and conquer that bitch. A Duggar fetus goes down a water slide every year, so it can't be that bad.

At one point, Mika's teammate/boyfriend Canaan tried to push her ass down while she cried for HELP!!! You know, Canaan went about it the wrong way. What he needed to do was hug her like he meant it, carefully put her on the slide, whisper sweet nothings into her ear and then push her ass when she least expected it! Yeah, her heart probably would've jumped out of her mouth, but at least she would have gotten down that slide!

In the end, Mika refused to slide and her team was eliminated. Canaan said that he doesn't hold it against Mika, but I would've dropped that trick in a quick second. Mika saying "fuck you" to a million dollars over a water slide was hurtful and confusing! Who just lets go of money like that? And IN THIS ECONOMY!?

Either the air in Miami was filled with slobber last night, or Skeletor spotted a young virgin in the distance, because dude's pits were creaming like Tommy Girl at an L.A. Galaxy game. Skeletor's pit bones need whatever JLo uses to keep her colossal nalgas from sweating through her clothes (SPOILER ALERT: Botox and maxi-pads).

Here's more of part-owners JLo and Skeletor at the Miami Dolphins game with Kris Allen last night. Kris was probably not happy when he got home and realized half of his t-shirt was covered in zombie pit jizz.

Yesterday, my ass posted a little story about how Jude Law's one-night-fuck turned baby mama, Samantha Burke, sold the first pictures of her baby for $300k to Hello! Magazine. Well, here's the cover of Hello! starring (warning: clear your throat before you read this) 24-year-old Samantha and her adorable bag of money. In the issue, Samantha tells her "amazing story." I'll save your eyeballs the trouble and give you the Cliffs Notes version.

Basically, Samantha rode on Jude Law's raw peenus and one of his jizz fishies fed itself to her lady egg thus creating a fetus! Then Samantha pushed out her baby girl, slapped a price tag on her ass and sold her off to a magazine. The End. You're totally amazed, right?

And Baby Sophia needs a DRANK! Homegirl looks like she'd rather be watching Sky Captain on a loop than pose for the cover of a magazine. But at least we got to see that Sophia inherited her daddy's hairline (or lack thereof).

VIA Daily Mail

Amy Wino might have knocked the crack devil off her shoulder, but she still can't control the itch in her snatch for Blaaaaake's rash-covered tongue. The Sun reports that even though Wino and Blaaaake killed their marriage last September, they have continued to talk through their Facebook accounts and may be back together.

Wino must have been playing with her Facebook zombie when it reminded her of how much she misses peeling Blaaaake's skin off under a full moon.

Blaaaake and Wino both changed their status to "married," and friends (aka their dealers and pipe holders) have started to congratulate them. Blaaaaaake even wrote this precious post about their reunion, "Can't argue with true love. What's the point?" Although, he could've been talking about the 8-ball sitting on his kitchen counter, and not about Wino.

I know a bunch of tweens would disagree with me, but getting married on Facebook isn't exactly legal, so there's nothing to worry about here. I doubt Wino and Blaaaaake are rubbing scabs in real-life. Wino is just having a little cyber fun.

That being said, don't even try to tell me that my Second Life wedding to Mah Boo Anderson Cooper was not the real thing. Just ask Second Life Rojo Caliente. She officiated the beautiful affair! And Second Life Rojo could never tell a lie.

Image: Bauer Griffin