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File this under: This is why you don't sleep nekkid with animals who can bite your parts off in the middle of the night (insert a million simultaneous side-eyes here).

About a year ago, one of Bai Ling's ex-boyfriends gave her a $30,000 cheetah-cat as a gift. Bai named the chee-pussy Quiji (pronounced chee-jee). According to crazy ass Bai, Quiji's dad is a cheetah and her mother is a regular ole' domestic cat. Yup, Quiji's mother was a hardcore slut, because she was getting from a damn cheetah.

Anyway, Bai tells PeoplePets that Quiji is her soulmate, because she believes she was a wild pussy in her past life, "In my previous life, I was a cheetah or leopard or some sort of really wild and dangerous animal in nature. But the thing is, Quiji is really the most affectionate, even compared to human beings."

But Quiji is a little too affectionate, because she tried to eat one of Bai's nipples during a make-out session in bed. Bai explained, "I sleep naked ... She was kissing me, and suddenly, she woke up. She saw my nipple, and oh my God, she went for it. If I wasn't fast, my nipple is gone. She thought it was a toy or something."

First of all, we really don't need to know about Bai playing with her pussay in bed. Second of all, THIS CRAZY should not be closing her eyes around a wild animal. This is how bitches lose fingers, faces and more! Bai has some serious nipples, so Quiji probably thought it was a jumbo Tendervittle. Bai could at least sleep with thimbles on her nipples and clitty. Bai does not want to have a "MY PUSSY BITE ME IN MY BAGINA" moment.

Which divorcée hasn’t had a date with a man in months, because she digs the ladies? The housewife introduced her girl as ‘a friend,’ but now that things are over, she’s on the prowl for a new gal to keep her company. (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)

She By Sheree of The Real Housewives of Atlanta? On tonight's reunion (cliiiiiip above), Heree (on purpose typo) says that she's strictly dickly and denies that she has ever clit wrestled with her homegirl Tania. Uh. Huh.

This past weekend this C list cable reality star who had his own show spoke at an event addressing tattoos, taboos and Jews but he did talk a bit about his TV show a bit as well. As an admittedly non-practicing Jew he was asked if he had any Jewish tattoos. His reply? “I have a dollar sign on my hand.” Some in the audience laughed, most did not. Know your audience dude. He recognized how reality TV had changed his life financially for the better and that it opened many doors for him, but he also spent considerable time complaining about the show. He did not enjoy it and never wanted to do subsequent season(s) but was tied to obligations in his contract. He complained about how the producers wanted to make each episode about death. He felt less like an artist and more like he was playing psychiatrist to the customers. He seemed very bitter about the experience. (CDAN)

One of the dudes from Miami Ink?

This pop diva has caught the acting bug. While she has barely any acting experience, she’s been begging the producers of this highly anticipated biopic for a role. No, she doesn’t want to play the star. She wants to play her famous offspring. She has already made several phone calls to the producers, and has impressed them with her dead-on impressions. She’s also been promising to “ugly down” and use her real name in the film’s credits. In short, she’s willing to do almost anything for a piece of the fame once enjoyed by the characters of the film. (Blind Gossip)

Lady CaCa who has already completed the uglifying process. Yes, it was too easy and I just had to snatch it.

Which celebrity mom and network TV star with a teenage daughter just walked in to find her underage little girl doing a line with one of her adult co-stars? Not Teri Hatcher. (BuzzFoto)

If only Patricia Heaton had a teenage daughter!

This isn't just your average Lil' Wayne birthday cake. This cake was a gift from Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger to their 14-year-old daughter Ireland, who I really hope is a Lil' Wayne fan.

If you don't have strong ankles and good health insurance, you shouldn't even think about licking on this cake. If this cake is anything like the real Lil' Wayne, swallowing a little of its cream will knock you up in a few seconds flat.

And I'm guessing "Happy Birthday, Rude Little Pig" didn't fit on that heart.

Source: Rosebud Cakes via Gawker

Since every optometrist's office in London is filled with charbroiled eyeballs asking to be put out of their misery due to witnessing Wino's crackie sacks live, she decided to give the city a break and covered up when going for a sexy walk today.

Although, Wino found other ways to offend people (and dogs). I'm talking about the hair pick and the visor. I'll give her a pass on the pick since it's probably an afternoon snack for her crack hive, but THAT VISOR. Unless you're a California hot dog vendor circa 1983, this lady jogger, a poker playin' pepaw, a surprised cat, an old timey accountant, a German Shepherd or a pacifier-sucking raver, you have no business wearing a visor. Actually, Wino might be all those things combined, so carry on!

Chelsea Handler was lying face first on her bathroom shag rug in a vodka coma and missed her photo shoot for Playboy, so they had to paste her face on the half-nekkid body Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken. Yeah, you didn't know PBSDK had it like that underneath his pastel paisley blazer? PBSDK has titties of fantastical wonder.

Anyiwouldtotallydochewy, Chelsea unveiled her Playboy cover on Leno last night and even made a joke about how every single Photoshop tool was used on her, "We need the guy that airbrushed me to come back."

Unfortunately, Chelsea kept her Pikachu and her Pokemons to herself. You'll have to buy her at least half a drink (bottom shelf is okay) to see that!

VIA E! Online

Run, Dakota, RUUUUUUUUUUUN - I'm Not Obsessed

Sophie Monk just happened to be aimlessly strolling down the street dressed like a slutty ladybug - Hollywood Tuna

Fishsticks Paltrow's tribute to Balloon Boy - Just Jared

As usual, Brit Brit looks like she stepped off the catwalks of Paris - Popsugar

The Yankees lost and it's all Kate Hudson's fault (as always) - Lainey Gossip

6 minutes of pure entertainment: Ukrainian hipster girls vs. a memaw & a pepaw (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

A chocolate covered Heidi Klum - Egotastic!

Chaz Bono's newly grown chin fuzz has already given him a shaving fetish - Towleroad

Miley Cyrus is the worst. Like officially. - Celebitchy

One day soon, BABIES!!! and dogs will get their revenge - Cityrag

You can have her, Scientologists - Holy Moly!

I'd hit it - ICYDK

Taylor Swift does have a case of the squints, so maybe she didnt see Swastika Boy right next to her? - Popeater

Pedobear's new wallpaper - Hollywood Rag

Stephanie Pratt should be jailed for being Stephanie Pratt - Socialite Life

RPanttiez vants to suck your blood....during that time of the month.

You know, just like the Twidildo, this makes all sorts of sense. I mean, Edward Cullen is responsible for thousands of pairs of chonies getting covered in massive amounts of creme de la coochie. So panties with his mouth on the labia area was the next natural step.

At this point, it won't be long for some bitches puts out sparkly Twitamponz. It won't leave a drop! The "Jacob Black Twitampon" will be extra furry for those with heavy flow.

Source: Robert Pattinson Online via The Frisky

Jakey G and fellow hairy monster Elmo recently spent a little time together while shooting an episode of Sesame Street. Elmo might be suffering from a temporary blackout here, because it looks like Jakey is choking the hell out of him. Unless Elmo is into that sort of thing. That kinky muppet!

And "choking the Elmo" has become the phrase of the minute, because it sounds like something Prince Hot Ginge does with himself under the sheets.

VIA Popwrap

Here's Joe Jackson practicing his money counting skills, because he's going to be doing a lot of that once the giant bags of cash start rolling in. In an interview with Extra, loving father Joe Jackson said that his son is worth more money dead than he is alive. Doesn't that just make you want to punch yourself in the throat to keep from heaving?

When Joe realized that his constant inner monologue jumped out of his mouth, he tried to save it by saying he'd rather his son was alive. When talking about the new Michael Jackson movie This Is It, Joe queefed, "He's worth more dead than when he was alive. I'd rather have him alive. When he was living, they didn't show this."

Joe went on to say that whenever he hears a Michael Jackson song he starts to get a little teary-eyed, but no one will ever see him cry, "When I'm off to myself and I start thinking about things that we went through."

OH JOE! Keep that pimp game up. We all know Joe gets weepy, because the sound of the cash register in his head is just so moving and beautiful. And Joe doesn't ever have to worry about anyone seeing him cry. It's physically impossible for the tears to come out of his eye holes since gigantic dollar signs are always in the way.

Courtney Love must be sick of ventriloquists randomly sticking their fists up her ass to get her to speak, because she has vowed that she will never put her parts under the knife again. Courtney told The Sun that she was scared straight after staring at the luminous face of Jocelyn Wildenstein!

Courtney said, "I could do with another boob lift, but no way. I don't want to end up looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein. She looked freaky."

EXCUSE HER BEAUTY! This just confirms that Courtney Love is just like that crackhead leprechaun of Alabama: on the wrong stuff! Who wouldn't want the face of a hemorrhoid in mid-squeeze? I mean, Jocelyn's beauty is so scorchingly hot that her face singes her own eyebrows (example above).